Why oh why do people think it's ok to ignore the people they claim to love?

[Barby]

Okay thanks to Moi stating this in another post...I HAD to start a thread on it!

 

 

Honestly I feel this topic is a good one, one that isn't addressed much. Now I'm not saying that this is a reason for one person to leave another or a reason for an affair, or anything like that...............but......................

 

 

 

What I don't understand is how when one person ignores the other person's emotional (sometimes physical) needs in a relationship, they expect the relationship to continue on without change and assuming both people will be happy?!?!?! Then when one person wants out the "neglecter" seems "floored" and "shocked"!! Are some people just that self absorbed and selfish that they really HONESTLY don't see when they're neglecting their partner? (Now I realize that it isn't one person's job/place to make another person happy...obviously a relationship needs to be an "asset" to your life...not the center of it. You have to be happy and love yourself in order to be happy and love another and allow them to be happy with you and love you). Now with that said....

 

 

What do you all think about this?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Barby

What do you all think about this?

 

familiarity breeds contempt.

 

that is why when i am seeing a woman i usually keep them at arms length and never let them "in" fully (meaning emotionally)

 

been burned a few times i guess.

[Barby]

Originally posted by alphamale

 

 

familiarity breeds contempt.

 

that is why when i am seeing a woman i usually keep them at arms length and never let them "in" fully (meaning emotionally)

 

been burned a few times i guess.

 

 

 

I can understand that, but if you keep them out so you can keep out the "bad" you have to know that you're keeping out the "good" or the "great" as well.

 

 

But of course I'm sure you know that.

[moimeme]

Why oh why do people think it's ok to ignore the people they claim to love?

 

Okay thanks to Moi stating this in another post...I HAD to start a thread on it!

 

I was going to - thanks for saving me the trouble

 

As for everything else you said, I totally agree. The real kicker is when someone neglects the partner or mistreats the partner for a long time and partner leaves and then the neglecter asks why the other person won't fall back in love with them. You can't beat someone's love for you to death and then expect them to leap joyfully into your arms and forget all the pain you caused just because you finally come to your senses.

 

that is why when i am seeing a woman i usually keep them at arms length and never let them "in" fully (meaning emotionally)

 

been burned a few times i guess.

 

"A life lived in fear is a life half-lived." All your bluster and blather about relationships is a grand rationale for a lack of personal courage. And that's pretty transparent. But people who fear getting into genuine relationships need to construct a world in which such relationships are impossible, so they design, for instance, a set of generalizations about men wanting beauty only and women wanting money only to excuse themselves from checking out of what's real and true.

 

However, rather than preaching the bogus theories about relationships that are cynical caricatures of life, you could just admit that if you let someone get very close, you could get hurt as a caveat to the 'jerk's guide to dealing with women'.

 

Sure, you can get hurt. But you survive. We all do. And the rewards are absolutely worth it.

[Israfil]

Originally posted by moimeme

"A life lived in fear is a life half-lived." ... But people who fear getting into genuine relationships need to construct a world in which such relationships are impossible, so they design, for instance, a set of generalizations about men wanting beauty only and women wanting money only to excuse themselves from checking out of what's real and true.

 

Sure, you can get hurt. But you survive. We all do. And the rewards are absolutely worth it.

 

[Barby]

I'm glad I saved ya the trouble Moi! The other post just got me thinking, it just saddens and mystifies me to no end that someone wouldn't realize the damage they can/are causing to their partners and their relationships, if in fact they're neglecting any part of the relationship/partner. I mean I thought it was common sense..but then again as Alpha said.....

 

familiarity breeds contempt

 

 

 

I understand once you're with someone for a long time...one tends to get "comfortable" and not "work as hard" but I always understand that if you "don't" work as hard or keep things new and fresh in a relationship (basically start taking each other for granted) then a relationship is doomed to failure!

[moimeme]

if you "don't" work as hard or keep things new and fresh in a relationship (basically start taking each other for granted) then a relationship is doomed to failure!

 

Yup, which is why relationships are 'work'. You have to keep reminding yourself to not get complacent and think you're lovable no matter what. This is why the concept of 'unconditional love' bothers me. There's always conditions - condition one is that you be treated decently at minimum! A lot of people demand 'unconditional love' meaning they expect to be forgiven no matter how little attention they pay or how little consideration they give to their ostensible beloved.

[Barby]

This is why the concept of 'unconditional love' bothers me. There's always conditions - condition one is that you be treated decently at minimum! A lot of people demand 'unconditional love' meaning they expect to be forgiven no matter how little attention they pay or how little consideration they give to their ostensible beloved.

 

 

So sad, yet so true! I think in a sense..."unconditional love" is a good "concept" BUT like you said it's NEVER "fully" unconditional...why would you "love and stay with" someone who cheats on you, hits you, is mean to you, ignores you, ect, ect, ect. Some in a sense there are always "conditions" just like you said.

 

On the other hand what some consider "unconditional" is (okay for instance for me)

I would continue to love someone if

 

 

1) they gained weight

2) had an accident and were paralyzed

3) lost their job and took awhile to get back on their feet

 

I could go on and on...but to me unconditional means more of a "physical" thing (i'm weird I'm sure)...

[johan]

What I don't understand is how when one person ignores the other person's emotional (sometimes physical) needs in a relationship, they expect the relationship to continue on without change and assuming both people will be happy?!?!?! :confused: Then when one person wants out the "neglecter" seems "floored" and "shocked"!! Are some people just that self absorbed and selfish that they really HONESTLY don't see when they're neglecting their partner?

 

I can speak from the floored and shocked person's perspective. You can search out some posts by a guy named mont13, for another example.

 

It depends how you build the relationship from the start. It depends how assertive the neglectee is. People aren't as simple as you make it sound.

 

Self-absorption and selfishness are not the only things that can cause you to believe you aren't neglecting your partner. Others are resentment and passive agressive tendencies. Inability to communicate. And, the most insidious in my opinion, the cowardice of the neglectee to say what needs to be said.

 

Passive agressiveness and poor communication skills can cause one to resort to other ways to deliver a disapproving message. You might semi-deliberately act out in neglectful ways in order to cause your partner to start wondering what he/she can do to fix things. This usually backfires. Then you will feel completely let down, because you really did love the other person and they never picked up on your hints.

 

Sometimes the neglectee doesn't realize he/she has been condoning the neglect all along. It seems easier not to rock the boat, particularly if you play a passive part in your relationship. Not to mention the neglector may be led to believe he/she is making the neglectee very happy. Particularly if the relationship was based on controller/controlee roles. When the controlee finally can't take it anymore, the controller can be truly shocked and hurt. The controller may truly love the controlee, and neither will recognize the part the passive partner played in the failure of the relationship. Both of them blame the controller, who ends up with lots of self-hate and pain that are hard to deal with.

[moimeme]

Self-absorption and selfishness are not the only things that can cause you to believe you aren't neglecting your partner. Others are resentment and passive agressive tendencies. Inability to communicate. And, the most insidious in my opinion, the cowardice of the neglectee to say what needs to be said.

 

Completely agree. Relationships take personal courage. I think that's a quality that is, sadly, rare. You have to take a chance to be vulnerable to your beloved. You have to say to someone 'hey, I was hurt/bothered/annoyed/upset at what you did/said there, can we fix this? or "I'm feeling like I'm taking on too much work here, can we fix it?" rather than keeping your grievances to yourself, letting them fester, and in the worst case scenario, having an affair.

 

If somebody loves you, that person wants you to be happy. That doesn't mean you demand your way. It means that person will very likely work with you to achieve mutual happiness when you have trouble - and of course, you must do the same. But you have to give them a chance by asking for what you want.

 

A phenomenal number of humans seem to think their loved ones can read their minds, know every single thing that makes them happy, and understand exactly what to do to make them feel good. And then they assume that when their loved ones do things that bother them or don't do things to make them happy, it's a deliberate slight. And the cycle spirals downhill from there.

[Barby]

Self-absorption and selfishness are not the only things that can cause you to believe you aren't neglecting your partner. Others are resentment and passive agressive tendencies. Inability to communicate. And, the most insidious in my opinion, the cowardice of the neglectee to say what needs to be said.

 

Your whole post is good but this is the part that stuck out the most. Communication is an important part....I understand that if the neglectee doesn't realize they're "neglecting" their partner and the "neglectee" doesn't speak up then it falls on both of their heads........

 

 

But if the neglected person is doing all they can to "show" the neglecter that they're feeling this way, maybe subtle hints, and the neglecter doesn't pick up on them (due to the fact that they're "neglecting" the person, how could they pick up on it)?!?!

 

 

Regardless...GOOD communication is clearly the key to any succesful relationship.

[moimeme]

But if the neglected person is doing all they can to "show" the neglecter that they're feeling this way, maybe subtle hints, and the neglecter doesn't pick up on them (due to the fact that they're "neglecting" the person, how could they pick up on it)?!?!

 

I've seen more than a few Dr. Phils where one partner has been telling, asking, begging, pleading, threatening, and doing every possible thing to communicate with the other, who is apparently deaf. Only hauling their butts onto Dr. Phil's stage finally twigs them to the fact that the problem may actually be serious. Seems people tend to ignore each other's distress as 'just whining' or 'nagging' or 'complaining all the time' rather than understanding something serious is going on.

[johan]

You're right, if you're talking to a brick wall, then it's going to be much harder.

 

Assuming you're both committed and not overly selfish, it also depends on your approach to communication. If you're constantly sitting on the edge of your bed together having it all out in long heavy discussions, you'll both go crazy.

 

I often think of the study I heard about on "to the best of our knowledge". They recorded and filmed married people arguing about stuff, and they found that people who could tease each other about serious stuff and spar as equals were happier together and their relationships lasted longer.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by moimeme

"A life lived in fear is a life half-lived." All your bluster and blather about relationships is a grand rationale for a lack of personal courage. And that's pretty transparent. But people who fear getting into genuine relationships need to construct a world in which such relationships are impossible, so they design, for instance, a set of generalizations about men wanting beauty only and women wanting money only to excuse themselves from checking out of what's real and true.

 

However, rather than preaching the bogus theories about relationships that are cynical caricatures of life, you could just admit that if you let someone get very close, you could get hurt as a caveat to the 'jerk's guide to dealing with women'.

 

Sure, you can get hurt. But you survive. We all do. And the rewards are absolutely worth it.

 

well personal attacks are not necessary MOIMEME, and you and all LS only see what I let you. No one in real life has ever said i lack in personal courage. As a matter of fact I have lived with a medical condition since age 18 that is potentially life threatening and modern medicine can do nothing. and it will most likely get worse as I age. which is another main reason i dont' get too close to women.

 

my malady has made me extremely emotionally tough cause it is the only way i can survive.

 

in addition i base most of my opinions based upon what happens in the US which is probably a bit different than Canada. And when I talk about women I talk about attractive women, not average, not ugly, just my expereinces with the good looking ones.

[Stone]

Originally posted by moimeme

 

 

 

 

The real kicker is when someone neglects the partner or mistreats the partner for a long time and partner leaves and then the neglecter asks why the other person won't fall back in love with them. You can't beat someone's love for you to death and then expect them to leap joyfully into your arms and forget all the pain you caused just because you finally come to your senses.

 

Sure, you can get hurt. But you survive. We all do. And the rewards are absolutely worth it.

 

I LOVED that Moi I think I will hang it on my refridgerator.

[moimeme]

Alpha

 

First of all, that wasn't meant to be a personal attack. I was using your postings as an example of a type. To keep people at arms' length and cover it all in a wrap of cynicism helps nobody, yourself included (and that is the general 'you' - only if the shoe fits does it apply to you personally and only you can figure that out.)

 

I'm sorry you have a medical problem. Truth is always far more attractive than blowing smoke. But if you think of it, nobody has a guaranteed life span. Ask anybody who's loved someone who was taken from them too soon and they'll tell you they would not have refused the chance to love that person. I don't know if you're saying that you don't want someone to know about it or that you are staying away in case someone else gets hurt. If the former, well, that's your choice but it's an empty life, isn't it? If the latter, allow someone to make that choice for herself.