earthrise Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 For the over three years, I have worked at a school. During my first year, I became friends with “Ann.” We would meet frequently for lunch, coffee, etc. I would say we’re both eccentrics and both single (she is about 30 years my senior) and that’s part of the reason our friendship has clicked so well. Over the years, we’ve become close, and in some ways, she has been a great friend. The past three summers, however, she has completely blown me off – basically ignored me – and I don’t know why. Normally, I wouldn’t mind since summer scatters people their different ways, but every May she promises to keep in touch, and suggests we do movies, lunch, even road trips, during our free time. So every summer, her silence has been a disappointment, especially my first summer, as I was new in town and pretty much Ann was my only friend. When the school year started, she has offered flimsy, highly improbable explanations for her silence. Her glibness, and lack of acknowledgement of how she might have hurt me, bothered me almost more than her blowing me off. At the end of this summer, I am moving to another state for another job. Ann knows this is the last summer I am here that we can hang out, and she has been blowing me off, yet again. It hurts on multiple levels – I have come to feel close to her and I am going to miss her, but I am also mad at myself for thinking that this summer would be any different. I went so far to express my concerns in May – I asked, point blank, “Are we really going to hang out this summer?” and she assured me we would. Do you think I should just call it a day, resign myself that I will probably not see Ann again, and move on? I called her the other day and told her, “I would really like to have lunch before I move,” but I don’t think I’ll hear back. It just … really hurts something deep inside me.
preraph Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Oh, I'm sorry. Sounds like she's not being straight with you. And there is literally no telling what her true reason is. If she's very old, it may be that she's every bit as lazy as me and just would rather stay home and do nothing than go out, honestly. Or maybe she was hearing scuttlebutt around the workplace and decided to quash it by quashing the hanging out. It could even be she had a man and he is jealous or that she is afraid she'll fall for you and doesn't think that would be appropriate. There is just no telling. But please try not to just assume it's something wrong with you. I know it's so hard being in a new place alone. It's a bit easier now there's internet, though. I think you have to just walk away. Hopefully the next place will yield more friendships. Good luck. 1
Author earthrise Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 Oh, I'm sorry. Sounds like she's not being straight with you. And there is literally no telling what her true reason is. If she's very old, it may be that she's every bit as lazy as me and just would rather stay home and do nothing than go out, honestly. Or maybe she was hearing scuttlebutt around the workplace and decided to quash it by quashing the hanging out. It could even be she had a man and he is jealous or that she is afraid she'll fall for you and doesn't think that would be appropriate. There is just no telling. But please try not to just assume it's something wrong with you. I know it's so hard being in a new place alone. It's a bit easier now there's internet, though. I think you have to just walk away. Hopefully the next place will yield more friendships. Good luck. Thanks. I think it hurts because ... well, I think the friendship meant more to me than to her. And I know what you're saying about being lazy or whatever -- it is summer -- but if she never had any intention of hanging out, why act all excited about it every spring and then ignore me all summer?
preraph Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Yeah, it's not fair. If she's feeling lazy, she should just say that, but she may not fully realize it herself. She might be someone who has a hard time planning things. I have a relative you cannot make a plan with but she'll call you at the last minute because she's going somewhere to eat or something and invite you at the very last minute, which is also rude. 1
CC12 Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 How often do you ask her to get together? I went so far to express my concerns in May – I asked, point blank, “Are we really going to hang out this summer?” and she assured me we would. That's not really expressing your concerns, you just asked a question. It seems you're thinking that she knows you're hurt by it, but I'd guess she has no idea that it bothers you. if she never had any intention of hanging out, why act all excited about it every spring and then ignore me all summer? She probably did have intentions of hanging out, because it sounds like a nice idea, but people get busy, distracted, and lazy. When you ask her to hang out, do you say, "Friday at 7?" or do you just say, "Let's get together." Because, again, the idea of getting together sounds nice, so of course she'll say yes, but following through is a different story. If you've actually been trying to name a date and time and she's still blowing you off, I'd say to give up on her. 1
Zeurich Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 It just … really hurts something deep inside me. I am truly sorry what happened to you. But I have also faced the same thing from here in EU. So I felt what you said at last, People are different some are just fake friends for the face. And some are real friends even no word at all. I think you better let her know what you feel what she is doing. If she does not want any more keep in touch she should have directly tell you that is what I feel. I faced also the same thing here in EU , I met a lady when I was pregnant from the pregnancy yoga. We kept very much in touch her son born just 3 days before my daughter. We went out but my marriage went up side down she was there helped me like a mother. I was divorced and time passed and I met my new partner and I moved to his city with my daughter. Since then the friend ship faded. She starts ignoring me did not even reply for an email, many excuses, grand mother is ill bla bla, and at the end she did not even tell me the grand mothers funeral. Honestly I thought after grand mothers death everything will back in to normal but no it was not , now she does not talk to me at all, It is truly hurts. But the fact my friend we are offering our selves to another from our heart.And it is touched by our soul , That is who we are. So that is why we get hurt so much when they do something like that... I have learned my self something. I took her off from my mind and just enjoying forums like this. And I have made good friends but not seen who has same ideas like me. Just move on. Who does not understand your value don't waste you time on them. 1
Author earthrise Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 I think you need to take the hint that this woman is only interested in a work friendship with you, and nothing more. Because she works with you, she is fine with going to lunch with you or going for coffee, but getting together in the summertime is a different type of friendship, and one she apparently is not interested in. It could be the age difference, and she prefers women closer to her own age to have as activity buddies/friends. It's time to accept the relationship for what it is, and respect the boundary she has set. She has let you know she's not interested in a friendship outside of the work setting, and only wants a work buddy to hang out with for lunch or whatever on work days. It's most likely the age difference that is causing her to set this boundary, and you need to accept that. She has given you enough hints that she's not interested in expanding the friendship to more than the work setting. Any talk about getting together in the summer is just polite talk that means nothing. Her actions show her intent. Normally, I would be inclined to agree with you; however, she did many things to indicate to me our friendship was special, such as giving me a funny pet name, telling me I was the best friend she had at work, and even signing her emails "Mom". (She never had kids; I lost my own mother at a young age.) I could give other examples, but you get the point. And I am typically detached in my work relationships, but she actively sought me out when I started the job.
Author earthrise Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 Normally, I would be inclined to agree with you; however, she did many things to indicate to me our friendship was special, such as giving me a funny pet name, telling me I was the best friend she had at work, and even signing her emails "Mom". (She never had kids; I lost my own mother at a young age.) I could give other examples, but you get the point. And I am typically detached in my work relationships, but she actively sought me out when I started the job. See the bolded above. Somehow, I think that transcends a typical work relationship. I have been in other mentor-mentee relationships at jobs, and this was different, I assure you.
Author earthrise Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 You're reading more into that than what it is. She's taken you under her wing and been acting as a parental/mentor/friend figure at work, but she doesn't want more than that. Sorry, but you're going to have to accept that. Her giving repeated excuses why she can't get together is the hint that she doesn't want to get together outside of work days. First of all, we hung out several times on "non-school days", including several times over the winter holiday. Secondly, like I stated before, going out of one's way to foster a mother-daughter-esque relationship transcends the typical work relationship. Had she only wanted a work relationship, she could have kept it strictly professional, without pet names, gifts, and non-work companionship, which she clearly did not.
EvelyneConnor Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Hmm. Like other people have said, there is really very little we can say for sure about her reasons. 30 years your senior... At least 50, then? If you want to make your feelings known, you should confront her about it, ask her what's going on and find out for sure. But that's more for you than it is for your relationship... I dunno. This is a tricky one. Lots of things at play here. Good luck anyway!
preraph Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 After all these new posts, I'm starting to think that she realized you are more invested and want too much more of her time and attention than she is willing to give. Once things become imbalanced, she may be thinking, Well, if i give an inch, she wants a mile, and that she is just not up for any frequent contact because she's just not that way. I'm older and I'm like that. Her calling herself your mom could be taken as she sees you as someone who needs taken care of and maybe she's not actually up for that. Probably has her own kids or if not, doesn't want them.
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