coralsmith Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I feel like it's always been a flat out rule that we should never have a ONS expecting it to lead to anything else. The thing is, I have had 3 ONS in my life before. The guy has always been interested in meeting up afterwards. 1st time was someone on Holiday. He was from a different continent, but was travelling around europe. He had plans to visit my city but unfortunately it was dates I was out of town. 2nd time, I ended up seeing him long distance 3 months. 3rd time, we slept together on 2 occassions, but again, he lived ages away so nothing came of it. I went in with zero expectations from all3 encounters. All 3 pursued me again to varying degrees. Whether it was just for sex, who knows. Also, 3 of my friends are currently dating people who originally started off as one night stands. Is this just how people get together nowadays?!
Keenly Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 It sounds like with your instances you failed to make it clear that it was a one time thing. When you make a decision like that and you fail to let the other person know that it's just a one time thing, its flirting with the boundary of leading some one on. I mean... its not quite leading some one on because yeah, a ONS should be universally expected to be a one time thing, but a lot of times future sexual encounters can result from some good Sex. So, in short, I have no clue.
Author coralsmith Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 It sounds like with your instances you failed to make it clear that it was a one time thing. When you make a decision like that and you fail to let the other person know that it's just a one time thing, its flirting with the boundary of leading some one on. I mean... its not quite leading some one on because yeah, a ONS should be universally expected to be a one time thing, but a lot of times future sexual encounters can result from some good Sex. So, in short, I have no clue. Well I didn't make it clear because I go into it with an open mind - if he calls me the next day, then i'd probably be willing to meet up and give it a shot. If I never heard from him again, I probably wouldn't care about that either. I just feel it's been drilled into me that guys who have a ONS with a girl will either assume she's a slut and not girlfriend material, or may not judge her for it, but won't feel any sort of emotional connection to her either. But since past experience have proven otherwise, am I wrong to think this? or is it safer to assume nothing will come of it?
babycakees Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I think with how our society is starting to view sex as "not as big of a deal anymore", more and more relationships are starting this way. I have a guy friend who's wife was a ONS.
michellew Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) I've been in the same boat and what I've concluded is the men who stick around after a ONS do so because they like your carefree and confident attitude. You could care less if they call again or not, which means you aren't needy and clingy like SOME women. They see you are happy in your own shoes and this is one of the best qualities one can have. Edited July 10, 2014 by michellew
Andy_K Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 It entirely depends on the guy you pick. If you sleep with a guy who is a player/ass, you'll likely not hear from him again. If you sleep with a guy who isn't, he will probably be perfectly willing to meet up again, whether he is/was looking for a relationship or not. All it means if the guy sticks around after sex is that you've got a decent people picker.
I am Bud Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Dear coralsmith Focusing on ONS as a measure on whether a guy is good boyfriend material or not is probably not an ideal situation. Normally when guys are keen on girls whom they think are keepers, they will go to extraordinary lengths to be patient. So you don't have to provide the carrot straight from the get go and see whether he will stick around for some more the next day. It takes time to get to know someone and having a ONS with someone is just a soundbite in the timeline. You cannot really form a rational opinion on whether the guy will stick around based on an activity that happened the evening before. Guys will only recognize the act of physical intimacy as the ink that signed the contract on their wedding night. Any other night and they will plead ignorance and or insanity to any contract signing. Thus absolving them of any obligations. Despite the fact that your friends are dating guys whom they have one night stands with why not be the exception and go at your own pace? Sometimes the traditional method of waiting until you think that he is the right guy has it's merits. Regards - Bud
silvermercy Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 I feel like it's always been a flat out rule that we should never have a ONS expecting it to lead to anything else. That's why it's called ONE night stand. Is this just how people get together nowadays?! No. At least not in my cycle of friends, co-workers, family. It depends where you live and whom you hang out with.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Well I didn't make it clear because I go into it with an open mind - if he calls me the next day, then i'd probably be willing to meet up and give it a shot. If I never heard from him again, I probably wouldn't care about that either. I just feel it's been drilled into me that guys who have a ONS with a girl will either assume she's a slut and not girlfriend material, or may not judge her for it, but won't feel any sort of emotional connection to her either. But since past experience have proven otherwise, am I wrong to think this? or is it safer to assume nothing will come of it? Well they didn't exactly have a relationship with you or marry you... Some guys are looking for a woman, period. If they get into a situation where they don't have a lot of options and meet a girl they're temporarily smitten by it's easy for them to engage in some kind of pseudo-relationship kind of thing, or at least stay in contact...they have no reason to disengage from you completely either, what benefit would they have in moving on when they've already slept with you before? A lot of guys will also fall into relationships, again they're not exactly looking for a relationship but they don't have all the options in the world either, so depending on where they are in terms of that will influence their decision whether to turn it into something more, in the same way a woman might date a man because she's been having no luck finding the right guy and this guy is at least acceptable...so mostly because they don't have anything else to go for, for a lot of men bedding a woman is a big accomplishment, when you don't catch a lot of fish it's hard to just release it back into the sea when you're hungry, even if it's smaller than you'd like. Lastly you went into it with an open-mind and didn't care, therefore for some guys it's going to trigger this reaction to chase or be the white-knight, because you're essentially unavailable..there are factors like ego involved, and if you're not head over heels for a guy or at least attached in some way, some guys will put in work just to get interested...once they know you're interested they're satisfied and they just drift away. So there's a lot of things going on here that have nothing to do with you, I tell people the way someone else behaves has nothing to do with you but because we all like to think we're so special, we feel like we have some quality that changes the rules to the game...but in reality, you have no idea what influenced that persons decision at the end of the day, most people especially women assume they know how a man feels based on her faulty interpretation of his behavior and his easy validation that most men are willing to offer on some level which really doesn't carry as much weight as women think it does at the end of the day. Personally I think you're misunderstanding what is happening here, but go ahead and go have a ONS with a guy and act all into him if you want the result that is typical, it's very likely to happen. Also If it's a ONS it's a "one-night-stand"...not sure what people don't understand about that, just because you sleep with someone right away and then dated them doesn't you altered the waves of reality, it just means that it happen to turned into something more...which is often a whirlwind romance type of situation largely based off sex, that's why these guys are coming back for more. But then when get confused because if he treats her this or that way, or if they don't have sex all the time, etc..but these whirlwind romances are like extended ONS in a way, except they last weeks or months instead of years...I personally don't qualify a 3 month fling as a relationship or success by any means, but I guess everyone has their own interpretation of what is relevant...for me personally I could have a million successful 3 month "relationship", it doesn't take much..but for someone else that might be an actual relationship or something happening. Unless I'm talking to that person for years to come or something really came out of it in terms of a relationship, It doesn't really hit my radar, sure I've met people I've felt intensely about and then never seen again, but I'm not going to constitute that as anything than what is was...I won't assume it was automatically going to be something great without even knowing, just because that's what "I think"...when in reality I don't know, I have no real proof of that.
travelbug1996 Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 (edited) My exh was supposed to be a one night stand but it lasted 7 years. I don't care either way if a man calls after a ons seeing as though the decision was impulsive. Just because my exh pursued a r afterwards didn't mean a thing. I ended up attached to someone I didn't share the same values with. I don't have any regrets because it was a learning experience. I learned that I have a better chance of having a healthy relationship if I focus more on a persons character instead of physical attraction. I prefer to take my time and get to know a person now before having sex. Not unless I know for sure that I only want a ons which hasn't happened in years. There are some real nut jobs out here. Edited July 12, 2014 by travelbug1996
phineas Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 ONS = sleeping with a total stranger then part ways & don't exchange contact information. OP seems to want to call banging on the first date a ONS?
Author coralsmith Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 ONS = sleeping with a total stranger then part ways & don't exchange contact information. OP seems to want to call banging on the first date a ONS? If a ONS means sleeping with a total stranger, then never speaking again, that would mean I have never had a ONS. in reference to the guy in my original post - the guy on holiday I had met a few days before - I had spoken to him prior (staying at same hotel as me). Would this disqualify him as a total stranger? second guy was a friend of a friend. I slept with him, he then asked me on a date. I had met him once prior. Third guy I had spoken to before, he is an acquaintance of a friend of mine. I hooked up with him once, then a similar situation arose and we hooked up again. All 3 I spoke to afterwards. So would you say you don't consider this a one night stand?!
Author coralsmith Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Dear coralsmith Focusing on ONS as a measure on whether a guy is good boyfriend material or not is probably not an ideal situation. Normally when guys are keen on girls whom they think are keepers, they will go to extraordinary lengths to be patient. So you don't have to provide the carrot straight from the get go and see whether he will stick around for some more the next day. It takes time to get to know someone and having a ONS with someone is just a soundbite in the timeline. You cannot really form a rational opinion on whether the guy will stick around based on an activity that happened the evening before. Guys will only recognize the act of physical intimacy as the ink that signed the contract on their wedding night. Any other night and they will plead ignorance and or insanity to any contract signing. Thus absolving them of any obligations. Despite the fact that your friends are dating guys whom they have one night stands with why not be the exception and go at your own pace? Sometimes the traditional method of waiting until you think that he is the right guy has it's merits. Regards - Bud Thank you for your input, but I am not a fan of referring to my sexuality as a "carrot". If a man liked me, I'd prefer it if he liked me for who I am - my personality, values,beliefs etc. not based on how long he had to wait for the "carrot". I dislike the mentality that a woman's worth and her status as a "keeper" or not, depends on her sexuality. I have been in relationships with men who had varying degrees of promiscuity before they dated me. I didn't judge them for it and didn't base their worth as a boyfriend or potential partner on it. I understand you mean it's better to get to know someone, but can you not get to know someone after a ONS? Why does a timeframe of when you had sex have to determine the rest of your relationship? If I happened to have a ONS with a guy, who I later found out to share my values,beliefs and whom I was very compatible with, is it relevant if we had sex early on?
phineas Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 If a ONS means sleeping with a total stranger, then never speaking again, that would mean I have never had a ONS. in reference to the guy in my original post - the guy on holiday I had met a few days before - I had spoken to him prior (staying at same hotel as me). Would this disqualify him as a total stranger? second guy was a friend of a friend. I slept with him, he then asked me on a date. I had met him once prior. Third guy I had spoken to before, he is an acquaintance of a friend of mine. I hooked up with him once, then a similar situation arose and we hooked up again. All 3 I spoke to afterwards. So would you say you don't consider this a one night stand?! It's called hooking up or FWB it is not a ONS.
Author coralsmith Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 It's called hooking up or FWB it is not a ONS. Well regardless of terminology (what constitutes a ONS seems to depend on who you speak to), my question still stands in regards to casual sex turning into a relationship. Is there a huge difference in ONS/hooking up really? You can go into a situation believing it to be a ONS and have it occur more than once.
Weezy1973 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 OP I'd say what you are describing aren't really ONS. By definition they're going to be one night only. Also, nothing did become of any of those encounters did they? I guess it depends what you mean by something, but if you mean entering a meaningful, monogamous relationship, that didn't actually happen. And finally I would just keep with being open minded. Chances are you're not going to find the love of your life from a ONS (just because most people aren't compatible), but it's possible. I wouldn't make it the only method of meeting potential partners though...
Author coralsmith Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 OP I'd say what you are describing aren't really ONS. By definition they're going to be one night only. Also, nothing did become of any of those encounters did they? I guess it depends what you mean by something, but if you mean entering a meaningful, monogamous relationship, that didn't actually happen. And finally I would just keep with being open minded. Chances are you're not going to find the love of your life from a ONS (just because most people aren't compatible), but it's possible. I wouldn't make it the only method of meeting potential partners though... No, nothing particularly meaningful came out of them. But this was because of distance - It's hard to get to know someone when you're not able to see them due to distance. So my own experiences don't seem to be a good reflection. And while I can't comment on how meaningful my friends relationships are, they seem pretty happy and are certainly monogamous.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Well it depends on the guy, but casual sex and FWB might not be all that big of a difference...for them you're still sleeping around. So in general, men might consider you a bit "easy"...not exactly relationship material to them as if one guy slept with you for nothing then why should he make you his actual GF, therefore in their eyes your "quality" or value is less than a girl who has not. Therefore the guy who gets upset about you having casual sex, will probably be equally displeased to know you had FWB arrangements. If you're asking if guys will care, yes guys generally do care, some guys don't, some would consider you you damaged goods. Some guys aren't even all that interested in anything serious so they won't even care either way. You haven't been with a lot of men if it's just these 3 either way, or even a few more than that or whatever...I'm not sure why you're so concerned with this, I woudn't worry about this if I were you...some guys who are really serious and might be looking for a more conservative woman, might dismiss you very easily if they knew your past, it's probable, but if you don't want to be with a guy who would judge you for that that why care right? Just date someone who is on the same wave-length and has the same views on sex as you...don't lie to someone who considers it a serious value and compatibility issue and sees sex on another level and wants someone who is on that same level, and don't mention it just randomly anyway to anyone else...as you get older, guys aren't really going to care anyway, but younger guys tend to care more. 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I don't know how people get together these days, nor do I know how they hook up. The whole process is very confusing to me. I'd probably be the kind of guy who wanted to get together with a girl after hooking up with her. But I can't really be sure until that actually happens...
Author coralsmith Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Well it depends on the guy, but casual sex and FWB might not be all that big of a difference...for them you're still sleeping around. So in general, men might consider you a bit "easy"...not exactly relationship material to them as if one guy slept with you for nothing then why should he make you his actual GF, therefore in their eyes your "quality" or value is less than a girl who has not. Therefore the guy who gets upset about you having casual sex, will probably be equally displeased to know you had FWB arrangements. If you're asking if guys will care, yes guys generally do care, some guys don't, some would consider you you damaged goods. Some guys aren't even all that interested in anything serious so they won't even care either way. You haven't been with a lot of men if it's just these 3 either way, or even a few more than that or whatever...I'm not sure why you're so concerned with this, I woudn't worry about this if I were you...some guys who are really serious and might be looking for a more conservative woman, might dismiss you very easily if they knew your past, it's probable, but if you don't want to be with a guy who would judge you for that that why care right? Just date someone who is on the same wave-length and has the same views on sex as you...don't lie to someone who considers it a serious value and compatibility issue and sees sex on another level and wants someone who is on that same level, and don't mention it just randomly anyway to anyone else...as you get older, guys aren't really going to care anyway, but younger guys tend to care more. My total "number" is six, so no i'm not that experienced. I can see how you mean guys may care, particularly younger ones - My ex boyfriend was two years younger than me and could be very immature at times. He had slept with 30+ women, and had created a clear division in his head between his casual encounters to me. They were sluts and I wasn't, he knew I had had casual sex though, it just wasn't something he liked to talk about. His attitude was something that sparked my interested in how ONSs were viewed. So even though it's not something I do very often (or some people view it as something Ive never done at all), it still intrigues me. A male friend of mine has also slept with 60+ women. He knows my sexual history and has told me it is ok for a woman to be "slutty" so long as it's not obvious and she doesn't come across as such. I guess there are a lot of double standards that exist in regards to male/female sexuality so it can be hard to know what's acceptable behaviour, what's not, and what type of behaviour you even agree with.
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