too many emotions! could use perspective

[theHardestDays]

I've been lurking here for a few weeks and finally decided to make myself post something. For some reason this seems necessary, for me.

 

I was dumped a couple of weeks ago, we 'dated' for maybe 8 months. I'm having a hard time even typing this out because of the amount of context that was present in our relationship- it was pretty ****ed up. I know that I knew this back then too, but the highs of being with her outweighed the pain I knew would come eventually.

 

We go to graduate school together. I met her the first week of school and we became close friends very quickly. She was dating a guy she had been with for 4 years. I had a crush on a different classmate and she was basically my wing man. A month into school and she dumps the boyfriend. We have sex with increasing frequency. It is casual.

 

She sleeps with someone else, I am hurt. We agree we want to be more exclusive, and move past it.

 

She continues to struggle with this. She sleeps with another guy a couple of times. I find out. I am devastated. I drink a lot and after a week feel better about it. I went NC and ignored her at class.

 

She ends up reluctantly coming to me to talk after a few more days. She was late, positive pregnancy test. Paternity was never discussed.

 

I cared about her and didn't want her to have to go through the abortion alone. I tried to practice love with no expectations, just as a human being who cared about someone else in a weird situation. I think I did well with that for a little while. We get drunk together and talk more. We have sex. I take her to the abortion. We are back together basically, and it feels like things have changed. We say 'I love you' now.

 

I know how ****ing stupid this is as I am typing it. I think that's why I'm making myself do this.

 

Anyway, that was like 4 months ago and things were good until recently. She gradually started being more absent, avoiding me and not returning my calls and texts. I went out of town for a week and we exchanged some very sweet voicemails. When I come back things are normal for a few days and then after another weird day of her being very absent and unresponsive I go to her house at night.

 

We talk for a little while. She's drunk, I'm stoned. Things get weird as we go to bed, it's like we're strangers. I finally call her out on how ****ing weird she's been the last few weeks and it all comes out.

 

She's been seeing another guy. She doesn't love me anymore. Things like that. I don't remember exactly what she said. I kind of zoned out.

 

--

 

 

I just feel sad. I have been coping well most days by working out and running a lot, but she is still the first thing I think of in the morning.

 

A big part of my problem is that I feel like my sadness is unjustified. It's like, on one level, objectively, I know that it wasn't even a real relationship. I was an emotional stand-in for her. But we had so much fun together. She was my best friend in this city, and when things were good, things were so god damn good.

 

I can avoid her now because it's summer. My two best friends outside of this girl are also her two best friends. We are all in the same class. Group work is a big part of our curriculum and, you guessed it, the two of us were just assigned to the same group for next year.

 

I just hate myself for getting into this position in the first place. I hate myself for thinking I could change someone while knowing I couldn't. I hate that something that felt so real to me could turn out to be so trivial to someone else.

 

The guy she is seeing is the same one from a few months ago. He doesn't know about the abortion. He doesn't even know about me. That's something I remember asking the night she broke it off. I asked if he knew about me. She said she didn't want to know what he had been up to, so why would she tell him about me? She said she didn't think it was worth mentioning.

 

That's my problem. I feel like it was worth mentioning.

 

Sorry this has gotten so long and ramble-y. I've felt so many different emotions lately that I just needed to unload some of this. I feel like I'm coping well a lot of the time- "I have forgiven her. I am a good person with value. I am attractive. I have an exciting future to look forward to. I deserve much better. I am worth loving" etc.

 

But then other times I just feel down. I get nostalgic thinking about the good times. I worry about seeing her with someone else. I worry about interacting with her in a small group setting for the next year. I worry about not meeting someone else. Etc.

 

 

If you've read any of this, thanks for listening. Just looking for advise and support I guess. I'm making myself post this before I read back and delete it all.

 

Peace.

Edited July 10, 2014 by theHardestDays

[theHardestDays]

It's like she Stockholm Syndrome'd me. Like I know how much she wronged me but I am having a hard time making myself get past her.

[Zahara]

I was an emotional stand-in for her. But we had so much fun together. She was my best friend in this city, and when things were good, things were so god damn good.

 

You were an emotional stand-in, yes. When she was exiting her 4 year relationship as well as all the other times she needed a crutch that she knew would be there.

 

She's not your best friend. In the true sense of the word, there was no friendship. Not a friendship that fostered loyalty, respect, trust, etc. She was someone you had fun with. The worst thing you can do is put her and what you had with her on a pedestal. Take her down.

 

When things were good, they were so damn good. That is the makings of an unhealthy and toxic situation. Highest of highs and lowest of lows. They feed off each other. A healthy attachment is when there's consistency with a few blips here and there.

 

Yes, you deserve much more than that. It's normal for you to feel this way as you had expectations and you were emotionally attached. She sounds like a trainwreck and it is in your best interest to stay away from her. Enjoy the summer. Go out and have fun. Meet people. Make friends. Travel. Volunteer. Date.

[theHardestDays]

You were an emotional stand-in, yes. When she was exiting her 4 year relationship as well as all the other times she needed a crutch that she knew would be there.

 

She's not your best friend. In the true sense of the word, there was no friendship. Not a friendship that fostered loyalty, respect, trust, etc. She was someone you had fun with. The worst thing you can do is put her and what you had with her on a pedestal. Take her down.

 

When things were good, they were so damn good. That is the makings of an unhealthy and toxic situation. Highest of highs and lowest of lows. They feed off each other. A healthy attachment is when there's consistency with a few blips here and there.

 

Yes, you deserve much more than that. It's normal for you to feel this way as you had expectations and you were emotionally attached. She sounds like a trainwreck and it is in your best interest to stay away from her. Enjoy the summer. Go out and have fun. Meet people. Make friends. Travel. Volunteer. Date.

 

 

Thanks for the words. I know you're right, sometimes I just forget and start feeling down. I'm going backpacking next week which should be great for me. I'm just ready to have fewer swings between feeling over it and feeling emotionally injured.

[scobro]

I still miss this woman and have anxiety over her if you can believe it.....

 

Was in a 5 year toxic relationship.

My ex wronged me in the worst way by cheating 3 years ago and I took her back.Plus caught her profile on POF when we were together I actually made a profile and put a pic of her dog and sent it to her catching her saying dump your boyfriend before you try and date...lol sad.... thing it is the second time she had a profile on POF that I caught.She 8 months ago rented a room out to her ex boyfriend who is now gay(apparently) I know the guy and agreed but what she failed to mention is I am now not allowed at her house now so how messed is that?.So for the last 8 months haven't been to her house (other than once she was showing me how the inside had been painted) because he is renting a room how messed is that?She was over at my place and forgot her phone I looked at it bang POF chats with guys...lol So in March I just said this is insane cannot handle this its so not right.Found out she slept with her ex's friend who is 18 years younger and now she has a new guy......the kicker is the woman is 50 years old very hot looks younger but treated me like that I think because I have been unemployed the last year.So she would go out weekends and like a moron I trusted her.....ugghhh.Woman never drank now shes drunk partying up with these guys at Casinos all over the place.....was actually suppose to see her 2 weeks ago but she was late so I left she phoned and we got in an intense argument so breaking no contact was very stupid on my part.

[Zahara]

Thanks for the words. I know you're right, sometimes I just forget and start feeling down. I'm going backpacking next week which should be great for me. I'm just ready to have fewer swings between feeling over it and feeling emotionally injured.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're going to go up and down for a bit and it's perfectly normal. You fostered an attachment. You're human and in touch with your emotions. Better you than her, jumping from one to the other.

 

In time you'll look back and give yourself a boot up the butt! It's going to be one of those, "what the hell was I thinking" moment.