pappa k Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 My heart is broken after my ex left me and she has a boyfriend now that I have to see when I get my daughter. How do I learn to love myself with all this pain going on ?
jphcbpa Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 You are asking the best question possible. You have to get to that calm centered place of self love, self care. It takes time and might require therapy. Most of all it requires you to be open hearted. The pain is part of this process. Embrace it and lean into it. Trust the process and know that your higher power loves you beyond earthly measure. 1
me85 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) You just have to turn every sad, negative, bitter thought around and make yourself think positive thoughts instead. Easier said than done, I know, but possible. What she does is not a reflection of who you are, it's a reflection of who she is. I understand how hard it is when you are left behind and then they start dating someone new. I've been there. It's so hard getting over those first few humps of recovery but in time, you absolutely will feel less and less pain from it. It will subside little by little. It does get worse before it gets better but it does get better. I promise. Distract yourself with as many things as possible. Refuse to let it get you down. Heck, if you want an ego boost join Tinder. It's a free app you download on your phone. Or maybe even go to counseling if need be. Talking helps. I let myself go through the hard parts. I didn't hold it all inside and honestly, I'm so glad I didn't because that's not the way to heal. If you don't grieve properly you won't heal. You have to go through the grieving process. Good luck & Best wishes, J Oh, P.S. You find yourself again during the process of moving on. You discover yourself. You learn so much about yourself and see just how much you grew & changed. Which makes it well worth all of the suffering you went through to get to that point. At least, that's been my experience. At first you feel like you don't ever get anywhere by doing anything but then one day you finally see your progress and you're just like, woah. Since when do I feel happy and think happy thoughts??? It's awesome. Edited July 10, 2014 by me85 2
scobro Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 what you should do is ask your ex not to have the guy around when you pick up your daughter this way you don't have to see him.Its tough I went through the exact same thing when my daughter was young.....You are hurting because you want what you can't have.If your ex was not with anyone it wouldn't hurt I would imagine as much for you.Its a blow to the ego and its the thought that she has moved on and you haven't.If you had someone it would not hurt.Its all ego and perspective.Also just remember nothing is as it seems you have no idea what exactly is going on.You probably picture she is in ecstasy with this guy every second of the day and they have the greatest sex ever.Well they have problems together like anyone else and if this is a rebound it won't last.My ex did it to me years ago and the rebound guy lasted 4 months tops.Now my ex has done it again new guy real quick I give it 3 months or less.Its crazy to be in a relationship so soon its just all about them wanting closeness with someone thats it.My ex turned into a man crazy freak but thats her I am waiting at least a year or 2 to get myself back to use to being alone and happy with myself single not racing to get back into a couple situation thats insane.
SammySammy Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Pour your time and energy into developing yourself - intellectually, physically, emotionally, spiritually and socially. Do things that please you, things that you love and things that challenge you to become better. As someone said in an earlier post, it's a process. Just start investing into yourself and try to improve a little everyday. I think it's very important to invest in yourself while in a relationship too. Oftentimes, when we meet somebody, we tend to pour ourselves into them and forget our own development and well-being. When you meet the next woman, don't forget to continue to invest in yourself. 2
True Gent Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 You just have to turn every sad, negative, bitter thought around and make yourself think positive thoughts instead. Easier said than done, I know, but possible. What she does is not a reflection of who you are, it's a reflection of who she is. I understand how hard it is when you are left behind and then they start dating someone new. I've been there. It's so hard getting over those first few humps of recovery but in time, you absolutely will feel less and less pain from it. It will subside little by little. It does get worse before it gets better but it does get better. I promise. Distract yourself with as many things as possible. Refuse to let it get you down. Heck, if you want an ego boost join Tinder. It's a free app you download on your phone. Or maybe even go to counseling if need be. Talking helps. I let myself go through the hard parts. I didn't hold it all inside and honestly, I'm so glad I didn't because that's not the way to heal. If you don't grieve properly you won't heal. You have to go through the grieving process. Good luck & Best wishes, J Oh, P.S. You find yourself again during the process of moving on. You discover yourself. You learn so much about yourself and see just how much you grew & changed. Which makes it well worth all of the suffering you went through to get to that point. At least, that's been my experience. At first you feel like you don't ever get anywhere by doing anything but then one day you finally see your progress and you're just like, woah. Since when do I feel happy and think happy thoughts??? It's awesome. Love this post, it's 100% true. I'm reaching the point where I can read your post and feel that Ive experienced or I'm experiencing the feelings of self discovery and growth. You're right what the ex does is a reflection on them not you. Also you've got to face the pain and grieve for your loss exactly as you say. You've got to want to heal, you've got to push yourself and feel every positive and negative emotion that comes with it. That's how you grow as a person. 2
me85 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Love this post, it's 100% true. I'm reaching the point where I can read your post and feel that Ive experienced or I'm experiencing the feelings of self discovery and growth. You're right what the ex does is a reflection on them not you. Also you've got to face the pain and grieve for your loss exactly as you say. You've got to want to heal, you've got to push yourself and feel every positive and negative emotion that comes with it. That's how you grow as a person. Thank you. Yes sir, you said it. That's how we grow as people.
Author pappa k Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 what you should do is ask your ex not to have the guy around when you pick up your daughter this way you don't have to see him.Its tough I went through the exact same thing when my daughter was young.....You are hurting because you want what you can't have.If your ex was not with anyone it wouldn't hurt I would imagine as much for you.Its a blow to the ego and its the thought that she has moved on and you haven't.If you had someone it would not hurt.Its all ego and perspective.Also just remember nothing is as it seems you have no idea what exactly is going on.You probably picture she is in ecstasy with this guy every second of the day and they have the greatest sex ever.Well they have problems together like anyone else and if this is a rebound it won't last.My ex did it to me years ago and the rebound guy lasted 4 months tops.Now my ex has done it again new guy real quick I give it 3 months or less.Its crazy to be in a relationship so soon its just all about them wanting closeness with someone thats it.My ex turned into a man crazy freak but thats her I am waiting at least a year or 2 to get myself back to use to being alone and happy with myself single not racing to get back into a couple situation thats insane. I tried asking that but her response was something along the lines of " You can't tell me who i can or can't have over " . Her and her boyfriend have dated 3 times since May . She wasn't sure who she wanted to be with because after they split she wanted to work on stuff but kept changing her mind days later . I would love to have her back but I know it's not a option . I know i need to move on and get stronger and love myself so I can love again .
Author pappa k Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 You just have to turn every sad, negative, bitter thought around and make yourself think positive thoughts instead. Easier said than done, I know, but possible. What she does is not a reflection of who you are, it's a reflection of who she is. I understand how hard it is when you are left behind and then they start dating someone new. I've been there. It's so hard getting over those first few humps of recovery but in time, you absolutely will feel less and less pain from it. It will subside little by little. It does get worse before it gets better but it does get better. I promise. Distract yourself with as many things as possible. Refuse to let it get you down. Heck, if you want an ego boost join Tinder. It's a free app you download on your phone. Or maybe even go to counseling if need be. Talking helps. I let myself go through the hard parts. I didn't hold it all inside and honestly, I'm so glad I didn't because that's not the way to heal. If you don't grieve properly you won't heal. You have to go through the grieving process. Good luck & Best wishes, J Oh, P.S. You find yourself again during the process of moving on. You discover yourself. You learn so much about yourself and see just how much you grew & changed. Which makes it well worth all of the suffering you went through to get to that point. At least, that's been my experience. At first you feel like you don't ever get anywhere by doing anything but then one day you finally see your progress and you're just like, woah. Since when do I feel happy and think happy thoughts??? It's awesome. I've had no luck no Tinder at all . I just don't know how to not get sad when i see his car at her house .
irishsimon Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 (edited) OP.. I have just been through this..the exact same thing. I will not lie to you, it is rough. And when you have a child together, well, I guess those without kids can't fathom the depth of that particular pain. You will learn to accept this. It will take time and requires you to follow all the advice throughout this forum. Work on yourself..focus on what contribution you made to the demise of this relationship rather than her. The pendulum will swing that way eventually. Be easy on yourself and try to feel all the emotion. Standard advice. I can't add to anything you will read on here. That is only a simple reminder. But here is the big thing.. This is what you do when you have to see her.. You smile and say hello. Do not show her one iota of your pain. Be upbeat, happy and agreeable. Her ego is in overdrive right now..she sounds ego driven... By not turning up in a depressed state and showing her your strength you will crush her ego and the power she has over you will diminish. I promise you, you will start to feel better. Be there for your daughter. Do everything right, be an amazing dad and show your ex that her behaviour does not phase you. You value yourself more. Taking this mindset is the only way forward. I got the silent treatment at the door for months when I took on this mindset. My ex didn't know what to do. She expected me to be broken after how willingly I gave myself to her during our relationship. I always said if she met someone else.. Things were rocky so we did have that conversation.... I was done. So now she knows my boundaries and just how strong I really am. Yes..it's a game in a sense but what are your other options? Show her you do not need her. Stay cool and do not talk about anything other than your daughter. Follow this path, work on yourself and you will get your power back. You may even wonder why you wasted all this time with her. It will tell you much about who you are. These situations are gifts to higher understanding and healing our own deep seated issues. This is from somewhere else but is amazing advice.. Use what parts apply to you. Go well and be the man you know you can be. Your daughter needs you to show her that. "A common reason for a girl to break up with a guy is that he was too much of a follower. A woman’s mood may constantly change, and she has a lot of whims. If the guy follows her whims, she’ll lose attraction for him. A woman will say and do things based on a negative emotion she’s feeling at the moment, and if you react the wrong way, she’ll lose attraction for you. Although a woman’s mood fluctuates, it’s up to you to have a calm, stable inner state so that she too can feel calm, stable and safe with you. The first step to regaining your power after a woman has left you is to break out of the state she wants you to be in right now. What does she want? Since she’s broken up with you, she wants you to feel lost and lonely. That way you are completely unattractive to her and she can feel okay with her new life without you. She wants to have no reason to be with you anymore. She wants you to be the repulsive beta male. This is the secret psychology of human beings. Knowing how we think gives us great power. But if you’re not lost without her, she’ll lack emotional validation of knowing she controls you. She will start to be the one who feels lost without you instead. She wants to know you’re grief-stricken. But you want to make her think that you’ve moved on and are completely happy with your life. It drives a woman crazy if she dumps a guy and he’s completely cool with it. Very rarely is a woman certain that a relationship is over, especially if she’s dated a guy for longer than six months. Uncertainty is a key part. One minute she hates your guts and wants you to die. The next she cries her eyes out because she’s thinking back to the good times you had together. Then she’ll try to keep track of you to see what you are doing. Then she’ll feel confused, wondering what went wrong. And sometimes she will feel extremely fond feelings for you. She will want you back and think you are the perfect man and she cannot live without you. She will fight the urge to call you. Then one minute later she’s back to hating you again. There is a struggle between her logic and feelings. You must realize that there are two parts of a woman’s mind that you must satisfy, which are her logical and emotional aspects. Once you re-attract her, her emotions are going to make her want to get back with you. However, she’ll only be comfortable with the decision if she can logically justify it to herself as well. So the logic that you want going through her head is “he’s really trying this time.” Always attract emotionally and justify logically for completion. When either one of you reinitiates contact after a certain period of separation, the woman is going to be curious at this point. She’s going to ask you questions and talk to you in a way to investigate whether you’re feeling lost. Virtually a hundred percent of women do it. The way it is structured is that she will say something to find out how you feel. You need to respond to her investigation for feeling lost by conveying that you are an upbeat and happy guy. Show that you are cool and centered in your reality. Most of the time, she will put out a feeler to see whether you’d be interested in ever giving your relationship a second chance. Almost all guys screw this up by giving an enthusiastic “Yes!” at which point the woman has all the power and feels the joy of validation from that. Then all of a sudden the guy hears the girl tell him she’s “busy” and needs to go, but “we’ll talk more sometime.” Don’t say yes, because it’s too soon. You haven’t yet conveyed the attractive new you, so she hasn’t become re-attracted yet. Instead tell her, in a relaxed tone of voice, “I think it’s too soon to be talking about that yet.” Then proceed with your conversation. Just have a normal conversation. Ask her what she’s been up to. Tell her what you’ve been up to by giving her one or two of the stories about how great your life has been and how much things have changed for the better for you, in order to convey attractiveness. That way she’ll see how happy and unaffected you are. Then end the interaction by leading her with a meet up at your will. You have the responsibility to lead. You must lead in everything you do together. Going out to a restaurant and movie? You decide. Having sex? You decide. You are the big, strong man in your woman’s life. Lead in everything that the two of you do together. Take her opinions into consideration when making choices. Don’t make her do things she does not like. The best way to do it is to give her a choice of two or three options selected by you for her to choose from. You can even use magician’s choice. As the alpha male, you must be self-sufficient when it comes to your own emotions. You cannot depend on the woman to support you emotionally. She gets her emotions from you, not the other way around. A lot of men screw up by trying to get emotional support from their girlfriend. It causes her to lose attraction for him. Have friends to give you emotional support. Your job is to give her emotional support, never the other way around. While your woman is emotional, be the calm, stable center of her world. The most common way for a guy to kill a relationship is by being overly needy. When a man has no interests, hobbies, or ambitions in his life, his woman feels stifled. Women find it sexy when a man is independent. You have your own hobbies, ambitions, and interests outside the relationship. You can make yourself happy. You don’t need her. However, the opposite is not true. She’ll love you forever if you make her happy. Men who are successful with woman and all else are their own source of power." Edited July 11, 2014 by irishsimon 1
Author pappa k Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 So I need to be strong and pretend it doesn't bother me that he's there . I need to smile at her and act like I've moved on. I have to go to my daughter 9 month check up with my ex . What do I do? Should I talk to her or not while we're at the appointment
scobro Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Pappa K i was you 19 years ago.My ex and I broke up and I had to go get my daughter.I was crushed when I saw some guy come out of the house and the car parked in the overnight spot I was devastated.It got worse when she had a serious boyfriend who would call for her while I was looking after our daughter at her house while she was out.Then it got worse when my daughter starts mentioning the guys name it absolutely sucks and there is absolutely nothing you can do but just take the pain.I won't lie to you it took me 3 years before I was over it because I had to see my ex every week and every other weekend.Had to talk on the phone and all I wanted was her back.I then got into bodybuilding and working out because of it became a Personal Trainer got a girlfriend way more attractive and wondered what the hell did I ever see if this woman.So trust me the universe has a plan for everyone sometimes things happen for a strange reason. I am going through now just finding out my ex slept with someone I sort of know 18 years younger than her and is now seeing someone new and we just broke up end of March.So its no picnic on my end and it sucks for everyone who feels loss.I know Im in no shape to date or would want to my ex is opposite she needs that constant touch and wanting thats why the last time she cheated on me it lasted 4 months with the new guy its a rebound then stupid me took her back now Im back to the same sort of thing with this woman.I know I will find someone way better emotionally for me.I miss my ex big DD'S sure it sucks someone else is getting his dick sucked and ramming her instead of me but thats the way it goes it takes a big chunk of flesh from you and its painful for a while but you will get over it and in the near future it won't seem as bad going there....trust me I have been you!!
Offspring Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Also you've got to face the pain and grieve for your loss exactly as you say. I find this the hardest thing to do. I can let go of her (i think), it's the grieving of the loss of hope (i had built a life around her in my head), and self respect that i can't let go of.
Author pappa k Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 I can't stop thinking about all the things there doing sex wise that we used to do and it hurts me so much I can't stand it.
scobro Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 I can't stop thinking about all the things there doing sex wise that we used to do and it hurts me so much I can't stand it. It is hard but you have to remember you don't know the situation all you can do is control you and thinking about that, as normal as it is at first is only going to drive you deeper into a depression.The only thing I do when I find myself thinking that I fast forward 5 years and think to myself will this matter in 5 years so don't make it matter right now.Its only sex and you can have sex with someone else in time and do all the things you want then.Its just because you have nobody and she has someone.Trust me, years ago I had sex right away with a hot younger after my ex wife ended things and had someone else, I woke up the next day and felt so ****ty and missed my ex even more.Sex isn't everything but everyone puts it at the top of the list.If she was sharing her inner most thoughts and dreams with this guy and getting his advice on what she should do in certain areas of her life.That to me would hurt more than him sticking his dick in her......sex isn't a relationship and eventually if thats all they have it will be over and she will probably be calling you.I would run if that happens but easier said than done.
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