jinjin113 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) On 6/19 my bf wanted to break up with me. If you need the back story, you can find it on my other posts. Basically though, he felt that we live too far apart and seeing each other and maintaining the relationship is too stressful for him right now (we both have kids and custody schedules to take into account and he is taking the CFA level 2 exam in Dec). We talked about it and in the end, decided not to break up. I didn't see him again until the 4th of July. We went away on a weekend trip together and I was hoping to regain a sense of security in the relationship. Ever since 6/19, I had been feeling insecure about him wanting to be with me, although I tried not to show it. We had a wonderful time on our trip, but the night we got back, we got into an argument. Not a huge argument, but he said some things that totally shattered almost any sense of security I had regained. We were not sober when the discussion/argument occurred and the next day he acted like things were fine. I brought it up, but he told me not to worry about it, that we weren't sober and what he meant to say came out wrong. That was Sunday. It's now Thursday and I'm going to see him tonight. Ever since Sunday, I've been trying to play it cool and again not let on about my insecurity. I think it shows a little, but I've really tried not to let it take over. I'm afraid to show him it's constantly bothering me because us being stressed out about stuff was something he cited in his reasons he wanted to break up. I wait everyday for him to say something sweet to me, but he never does. I find myself looking back through our old texts and yearning for the things he used to say. Pretty much the only loving thing he says to me is "I love you," which is great, but I don't feel like he is head over heels for me like he was. Do I bring it up with him tonight? Let him know what happened a few weeks ago has left me feeling insecure and that he hasn't done much to make me feel better? Or, do I not say anything and give it more time? I don't want to nag him or make him feel like I'm such a downer. I had mentioned something during our argument on Saturday night about wanting the weekend trip to affirm to me that things were ok between us, and he seemed surprised, like he thought why wouldn't I think things were ok even before the trip? Edited July 10, 2014 by jinjin113
Author jinjin113 Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 I feel like I'm stuck between telling him how I feel and hopefully him making me feel better about it, which wouldn't happen if I didn't give him the opportunity to. If I don't let him know how I feel, I'm not giving him a chance to try to make me feel better. And leaving it alone and letting things progress naturally. I fear that me bringing up my insecurity and essentially asking him to make me feel better might make him see me in a bad light and ruin any chance of him returning to the sweet guy he was before.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Well..what did he say to you during this argument? You say it wasn't a huge argument but it shattered your sense of security in the relationship - those things seem contradictory. If you give us a clearer idea of what was said, we can give better feedback
Author jinjin113 Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 Thanks for the reply. Keep in mind when I say it shattered any sense of security I had regained....I was already in a somewhat fragile state from our near break up. If we hadn't gone through that, what he said wouldn't have had the same effect on me. Anyway, what he said was that he wished I would share more with him and that I never talk about anything. Strange, I know. We've been dating 6 months. I asked him what he meant...didn't we just spend two days together and did he feel like I didn't talk about anything that whole time? He said, "yes." This really surprised me because I've always thought we conversed quite well, and if he didn't think I talked about anything, how could we have been dating 6 months? I mean, wouldn't you get tired of someone if they literally never talked about anything. I also am pretty insecure about my intellect despite having graduated from a pretty prestigious 4 year university, so I got a bit defensive. Anyway, in the end, (I think) what he was trying to say was that I never debate about things with him (I guess....politics, religion, world issues....I don't know). He says he talks about these things with his friends and thinks it would be nice if we could do the same. He clarified that he doesn't think I'm dumb, but that I'm just not particularly interested in these things. This is true, I'm not. However, I would think that was pretty apparent from the beginning. Ultimately though, I think he's just decided that he's ok with this being missing and that we are compatible in so many other ways. Kind of like if one person really liked talking about sports and the other doesn't (which is kind of common with the couples I know). They just accept that that's one way in which they're not compatible. Anyway, I don't totally understand it myself and like I said, it only serves to bring back my insecurity despite the wonderful time we had the two days prior to the argument.
Author jinjin113 Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 I'm still not totally sure what to make of the whole thing. The next day he pretty much said that it came out all wrong and that he doesn't think it's a big deal and that it's not something that is going to be a big problem for him. However, when you hear your significant other tell you that they don't think you talk about anything, that kind of hurts. So, it's still in the back of my mind of course. If he thought I was reticent before, calling me out on it isn't exactly going to make me feel more comfortable debating hot topic issues with him. Plus, that's just not who I am. I am very middle of the road and don't have strong (obnoxious) opinions on things and I'm generally not interested in political debates. Anyway, I did see him last night and I didn't bring anything up. Partly because when we see each other, often times it's not for very long. I basically saw him from 8 pm to 11 pm last night (when we fell asleep) and we both have to get up very early to go to work. He was very loving and sweet in person last night though.
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