My Marital Situation...just looking for some perspective

[Jonas1]

Hello everyone.

 

I'll start with an overview of the past 18 months and then go into the details. I'll apologize in advance for the long post, but please read if you have the time.

 

In Dec of 2012, my wife told me that she was unhappy in our marriage and that we needed to fix it. Just a few months later, she decided she wanted a divorce and moved out (to our vacation home). I spent the next 7 months trying to save my marriage and trying to convince my wife that she was making a mistake. We ultimately reconciled about a year ago and I moved permanently to the vacation home to be with my family, but I can see the relationship slowly returning to the state it was in prior to the Dec 2012 "Call to Action". Now its me that seems to be having a problem with our relationship. I worked so hard to save the marriage and keep her from leaving, but now its me that is second guessing our future together.

 

Now for the details:

My wife and I met when we were 15 years old. We dated for 6 years before finally getting married at the early age of 21. we have been semi-happily married for 14 years. I dont think I was really ready to get married, but our relationship had gotten to the point where it was either "get married" of "break up"...her father died shortly after we started dating and I think that we both had some serious codependency issues going on that kept us together during college. Anyways, when we decided to get married, it was much more of a decision than a proposal; there was no grand gesture; there was no ellaborate proposal...we just kind of decided we would get married. Even in the weeks leading up to the marriage, I found myself flirting with other girls. Nothing ever came of it, but the wandering eye was there even early on. So, we got married. I dont remember that we were ever blissfully happy, but it was certainly better than what I have gone through in the last 18 months. Anyways, early in our marriage, my wife found out that I looked at porn pretty regularly...I didnt think this was a big deal, but she was crushed...almost like I had cheated on her. I went to counseling and was basically convinced that I was addicted to porn. I layed off the porn for a while, had some fallbacks here and there, but ultimately, it kind of crept back into my life, but I still dont know if it was really an addiction - given the choice, I would much rather be intimate with my wife, but her sex drive is a "once every other week kind of thing"...mine is daily. So, we got past that. About a year later, I ended up becoming really good friends with a female co-worker...she was so much fun and we had things in common that my wife and I never had. Again, i never cheated, but its safe to say that I had a serious crush on this co-worker. I would even talk about her at home with my wife. My wife ultimately called me on it "you have a crush on her..dont you", she said. I admitted that I did, but didnt want to loose her as a friend, so I kept the friendship going - which was a mistake. It ultimately ended really weird, in order to convince my wife that I was not cheating on her, I basically had to tell my co-worker to never speak to me again. I blocked her emails and instant messages. It took a while for the message to get accross, but the friendship ended - abruptly. I guess the next phase of our marriage involves kids. Let me start by saying that raising kids is HARD work. wow. Anyways, we currently have a 9 year old and a 3 year old. When the oldest was 4-5 years old (before the yougest was born), I started to distance myself from the family. It wasnt intentional, I just started doing a lot more stuff with friends and away from my wife and child. I would play tennis one night, poker the next, happy hour the next, maybe go to a concert by myself. I kept this up for a couple months at least and my wife finally called it to my attention and threatened to leave. So I stopped going out so much, stay home, really tried to work on our marriage. During all of this, my wife had been going back to school to finally get her degree. Just as she was getting ready to graduate and start her career, yep, you guessed it. Baby #2 came along. My wife is not the sort of mother who puts her kids in day care, so her career was now on hold. The new baby was TOUGH...and thats an understatement. He didnt sleep through the night until he was 20 months old. With our first child, my wife basically took care of all the "night shifts" since I had to be up early for my job. With the new baby, I was able to take 3 months off from work and I was Mr. Mom...right there with her. We would take shifts so that the load was shared. Once I went back to work, I continued to help with the hard nights. We were both sleep deprived and miserable. We fell of the face of the planet as far as friends go. Before our second child, we used to host dinner parties all the time, but that came to an end. Anyways, as tired and miserable and I was, I felt like I was finally checked into my family and doing my part as a husband and a father and I was proud of that. The problem though was that during this time, my wife had gotten really cold and bristly towards me. Nothing I did was correct, and I always came up short in her eyes. It turns out that right about the time that I checked back into the family (remember when I stopped going out so much), she checked out. I think that was a lot of her motivation to finish school...I believe that she was planning her escape from a dependent marriage.

 

Sorry for the history, but I wanted to provide at least some background before getting into my current situation.

 

Anyways, in Dec of 2012 my wife came to me and said that she wanted to give our marriage a year, and if we couldnt "fix it" by then, she wanted a divorce. She was serious and I could tell. When I was 2 years old, my parents divorced, so I know first hand how hard it can be on children. Based on my own experiences, I had defined my success as a man based on my ability to NOT follow in my father's footsteps. My MO was to stay married at all costs. So, my wife's annoucement and 1-year timeframe was a real wake up call. We agreed that we were going to love each other and turn things around. I should also point out that almost exactly at the same time, 2 other things happened: 1. I had a vasectomy 2. she started working out 7 days a week and losing weight like crazy.....Well, for the most part, we got off to a really good start. Things felt good. And then it was tax time (which also coincides with when I get my bonus at work). We had talked previously about what to use this bonus and tax return for and decided that we would pay off some old student loans...BUT, one day, my wife walks in and tells me that instead of paying off the loans, she wants plastic surgery - the mommy makeover (breast reduction and tummy tuck). This wasnt completely out of the blue - we had talked about it before, but the timing was never right and we never had the money before. Due to her recent weight lose, she really wanted the surgery. It wasnt as much of a conversation as much as it was her announcing that she was going in for her consult. She went for the consult, paided the down payment, and scheduled her surgery. A few weeks later, she went on a trip by herself to see an old friend where we grew up. When she got back, it was like a lightswitch got flipped. She told me that she no longer wanted to try to save our marriage and that she wanted a divorce. I was crushed...I'll save you the play by play, but the short story is that I spent 6-7 months trying to change her mind and that I went ahead and paid for her surgery and also was completely there for her during her recovery. If I had not paid for the surgery, that would have put the nail in my coffen, so I dont feel like I really even had a choice if I wanted to stay married. Again, to try to keep it short, those 6-7 months were a cycle of me trying to convince her to stay, her convincing me that we are not good for one another, me finding out through eavesdropping or snooping that she is being dishonest with me - even during the times when she tells me that she is "trying", me finally giving in and telling her that I am also "done" and that divorce is probably the right thing, and then the cycle starts over again when she realizes how impactful this is going to be on ours and the kids' lives...so she takes a step forward everytime that I think its done. We've literally went through this cycle 4-5 times.

 

Also, during this time, while my wife was "planning her escape", she talked and texted an awful lot with an old high school friend back home where we grew up. He was divorced and also had kids. When she would take trips there, she would hang out with him and our kids would play together. She insisted that he was just a friend and even kind of threw it in my face that she could talk to him and connect with him in ways that she couldn't with me. I told her very honestly that unless he was gay, her plutonic feelings were surely different than what he felt. I also pointed out that if the script were flipped and it were ME talking to and hanging out with an old divorced high school girl friend, then it would go down in history that I had a girlfriend/affair.

 

Almost a year ago, just before the Fourth of July, I told my wife that I was really done trying and that I just couldn't take it anymore. We were literally hours from signing divorce papers and she started having "second thoughts" and decided that she didn't know exactly what she wanted, but she said that she knew what she didn't want. So she finally called her future employer 4 states away (back home where we grew up and where her male friend lives) and told them that she wasn't moving there after all (she had a job lined up there starting in Aug of 2013). Moving was all part of her escape plan - much of which I discovered by eavesdropping on conversations between my wife and her Aunt while she was recovering from her plastic surgery. She also called her male friend and told him that he was a distraction and that she didn't like the way that others were perceiving their relationship. According to her, he was very upset and said something along the lines of "women like you don't come along very often, if you do get a divorce, I want to be first in line for you"...was this an affair? an affair narrowly avoided?

 

After this, she started to level out and its been me that seems to be having all the doubts and trust issues. At some point during this, she moved to our vacation home with the kids. She got a job there. It was a really weird separation because on the weekends, I'd either go to the vacation home, or she will come home. We would sleep in the same bed and occationally be intmate. (Sex by the way is and has always been great between us - frequency is the issue for me) Our time together was really difficult because thought that I was obsessed with sex. With the weight loss and surgery...omg, she looked unbeleivable. It was all I could do to keep my hands off of her. But that was the last thing she wanted. When I was away from her, I would start to think about things logically. I would think: we've never really been happy, she doesnt enjoy my company, the things I enjoy annoy her, she doesnt trust me, she undermines my masculinity, I realized that I dont really enjoy her company either - even when we go on dates, I dont really have fun. I'm on eggshells the whole time trying not to make an inappropriate joke, trying not to have more than 2 beers or I'll hear about it, its just not enjoyable. So yeah, suddenly, it was me having all these doubts. When we were together, the doubts would subside a little, but as soon as we are apart again, I would find myself looking at other women...wondering if they would like me for who I am...wondering if I would be able to really have a connection with someone else that would allow me to be "the man" that wife seems to think that I am not.

 

Several months ago (Feb 2014 I think), I made a marriage counseling appointment for us. It was a marathon of an appointment; I think it lasted around two and a half hours. It was weird; it was almost like I tried to recap everything that Ive been through in the last year and a half to try to convince an innocent bystander of how unhappy we are/were/still-are. It was exhausting, but we both had a chance to say what we wanted. At the end of the session, I learned that the counselor with whom we had been talking was just a router type person. She was basically taking notes and was going to then turn me/us over to a dedicated therapist. This was really disappointing for me. She did offer some advice. My wife said during the session that she wasn’t being avoidant by retreating to the bedroom every single night to bury herself in her iPhone; she said that after a long day of work, she just needs an hour or 2 to herself to unwind. We agreed to 1 hour (not that anyone is really timing of enforcing it). We also talked about the “history” that we have as a couple – as a family. We talked about how we had been together since the age of 15. We talked about how I was there for her when her dad died. We talked about college and hard times during our marriage and all agreed that there had to be “some reason” why we were still together after all these years and all these hard times. After the session, my wife relayed something that she had told her mom; during the session, she said that she realized that “we are what we are”…it was weird, I sort of get what she meant, but not completely. After this, it was like she was resolved. She started consciously trying to spend time with me in the evenings. The number of arguments that we had decreased sharply. One time right after our counseling session, we even managed to have some very passionate sex; we hadn’t kissed like that since high school – it was amazing; I felt wanted for the first time in a long time. Since then, our sex life has been pretty status quo. Our pattern seems to be no sex for weeks, then her period, then we have sex for 1-2 days in a row once her period is over, then nothing for the rest of the month. As an experiment, I started keeping track. In the past 3 weeks, we had sex once when she decided to initiate. I’ve approached her and been rejected 4 times, and I’ve taken care of myself 22 times. One realization that I’m finally having is that our libidos are EXTREMELY out of wack. It feels like a sexless marriage, but I guess we are technically doing it more frequently that the 10x/year definition of “sexless”. I feel that I am unable to initiate sex. She tells me that she doesn’t like the way that I touch her; she says that its not “manly”. She says that sex for her is entertainment and not some epic emotional connection. She even told me that I should stop trying to touch her romantically when I want to initiate sex and just tell her point blank that I want to f***. That just feels terrible. I find myself retreating more and more. Most of the time, I don’t even want to try to initiate because of the likely possibility of rejection. Its easier just to avoid it altogether.

 

I called yesterday to get back into individual counseling and the group had undergone a bunch of changes and apparently don’t even do individual therapy any longer…so, they are referring me to another group. I feel like this is the only logical next step for me. I feel like Im going crazy and I dont even know what "happy" is anymore. "Happy" and "Selfish" are starting to sound the same to me.

 

Not sure what Im looking for here, but just any fresh perspective would be apppreciated. Thanks for reading

[onemanband]

It sounds like she want to recapure those youthful years because it's just like a mid life crisis but reversed the strain of life wants to try different things do fight the inneviatab cause it's just going to get worse just my thoughts

[GoBlue]

Thank you for sharing your story. My heart truly goes out to you because I firmly believe that every marriage that exists can be happy and fulfilling. It requires two people who are humble and willing to put the needs of their mate ahead of themselves. The issues that you face are normal: sex is your primary basis of evaluating your marriage; sex isn't even close to the most important thing to your wife in this marriage. I don't have specific advice for you except to say that your marriage is worth saving. Continue to seek all the help you can find and try to serve your wife and love her according to her needs. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Jonas1]

Thank you. We had a great day yesterday. We are communicating well right now and she is sympathetic to my manic assessments of our marriage. Today, things are good!

[Mr. Lucky]

Not sure what Im looking for here, but just any fresh perspective would be appreciated.

Well written post in that there's lot of info so that members can give good feedback .

 

I see some echoes of my own marital history in your timeline. We were also challenged in our enjoyment and prioritizing of different things and that has at times caused us problems. Perhaps that's the norm for most marriages ?

 

We've survived - and prospered - by evolving into a "separate but together" lifestyle. We do a lot of family things together but our own things separately - sports, exercise and friends for me, home/crafts/TV for her. I've given up on teaching her to play tennis, she no longer drags me to craft shows. There's peace in the land.

 

Sexually, we've made similar compromises. I've scaled back my expectations, she's upped her participation.

 

All of these strategies took hard work to get in place. We simply decided we were better together than apart and our kids deserved a stable home. While it's not always perfect, we have many more good days than bad. I'm hoping your path leads to a similar solution...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

Lots of stuff here but you are a pretty good historian and are able to describe things well.

 

IMHO there may be some hope here to save the marriage and be somewhat happier but you are going to have to choose to do that and right now you have just cause to end it and start anew. If you choose to work on it it will be hard "WORK" but it will be hard work to divorce and start over too.

 

If you want to work on this I suggest looking up "The Married Man Sexlife Primer" by Athol Kay and the website of the same name.

 

In a nutshell here, you got together very young and you were a support figure to her. She may have been fond of you but she may have never had any burning desire or attraction for you. Much of your relationship has been somewhat lackluster in the intimacy department.

 

Over te years you've had a variety of things that have chipped away at the connection and closeness and her attration for you.

 

There have also things that have chipped away at your attraction and closeness for her.

 

While your affair was cut short before it consummated, it is like she did have some level of PA with the OM and that caused her to lose whatever desire she had left for you and caused her to want to throw in the towel.

 

I think your dedication to keeping the marriage alive was all that kept her from hammering the final nails. Whether that is something to pay you on the back for or slap you upside the head for remains to be seen.

 

My recommendation is to check out Athol Kay's books and website and take the advice of the people on that site. They deal with this exact scenario day in and day out and use some tailor-made algorithms for your specific situations.

 

Many of te posters here will either advise to leave since she cheated or to gut it out and just grit your teeth since you have young children and both of you appear to be reluctant to pull the ejection handle.

[Jonas1]

My wife and I have had a great couple of days. We've talked a lot and done some fun things together and some fun things apart. Had some light conversations and had some heavy ones. I told her during the course of a longer conversation that I thought that we felt differently about sex. I told her that sex was extremely important to me and I also told her that sex was more than just "sex" to me - sex is how I connect to her and I always feel the closest to her during and afterwards. I was really trying to make the point that between the intimacy/closeness aspect and my high sex drive, that sex really truly is important to me. I wasn't sure that she "got it" until this morning. I made a risky power play and I think it ended up being a home run. So we woke up slowly this morning, the kids were cooperating and playing nicely in their room. We held each other in bed. She asked me to rub her back. At this point I was obviously in the mood if you know what I mean. I tried to position myself in a way that I was "accessible". I didn't want to ruin the moment by trying to initiate and being rejected. After all, we hardly EVER have morning sex because my wife is typically pretty evil until she has her coffee. Anyways, it became clear to me that sex was not in her agenda for the morning. She could tell that I wanted it, but she was withholding. So I began to get out of bed and she said: "you're getting up? Stay in bed for a while." I told her that I might get back in bed in a little while. Then she asked "why are you getting up? Where are you going?" For some reason, I decided to answer her honestly: "if you really want to know the truth" I told her, "I'm going to masterbate". "It's something that I do almost every single morning" I went on to tell her. I was sort of expecting a fight but her response was simply "close the door and lock it". We had a great morning and it continued for the rest of the day. She left town this evening for a week long training course for her job. I'm really glad that we had a good day prior to her leaving.