Strange New GF

[longjohn]

I've been dating a woman for a few months now and we are exclusive. I've had a number of concerns, concerns that looked so suspicious I intended to break up with her and be done with it.

 

 

 

 

She'd be up half the night online, she'd take her phone into the bathroom a lot, she'd vanish for hours on end and for an entire day at times. So I sat her down to tell her these things are ringing major alarm bells and I was out. However she opened up her phone, facebook etc to show how squeaky clean it was. She had no prior knowledge I was going to breakup. So I'm thinking maybe I'm wrong? Is it possible she's telling the truth? No there has to be something? I've thought of at least a few things that might explain this behavior.

• I found she plays a lot of online video games on her computer, I mean a lot of them but denies staying up day and night to play them. However admitted she's done that in the past.
  
• She was/is communicating with someone.. a male friend, an ex or someone from her games. Someone she didn't want me to know about. Why else would she hide her phone like that?
  
• I asked about Facebook when we started dating she said she's never on it. That's an obvious lie now. She's never off the thing.
  

Since we've talked she's stopped being up all night at least that I know of, stopped taking her phone to the bathroom and isn't hiding her phone anymore etc. I don't know if I just told her how to stay off the radar or if she was being honest and unaware it looked suspicious.

Over the months we've been together I've found over time she's had very patchy work experience. I mean 6 months here, a year there, 4 months at another place etc. The woman is very intelligent on paper (she has a university degree) and off paper, yet has a very unstable work history. She's moved around a lot too, all over the place but always coming back here which is home I suppose. She's not working full time and I feel is likely being supported by her parents at least partially. Financially she's ruined (never said but I see the signs) which ok I can understand that thanks to the economy and unstable work.

 

I suppose I'm unsure about what to do. She's very nice, sweet, kind and loving. She's very well put together and when out, looks beautiful and knows how to talk. However I fear there are too many unknowns for me to stay around. I'd hate to sink a year into this then discover something critical e.g. video game/online addiction that she may ignore me for, for days on end. Or worse she has online relationships she maintains via said games that remain unknown to me. The lie about Facebook to be perfectly honest is what sparked all these questions in my mind.

 

 

Your thoughts, comments and suggestions would be most welcome.

[Diezel]

She sounds like a giant red flag.

 

She has a university degree? Big whoop. I'd rather date a woman with no degree but has some stability in her life. The economy collapsed in 2008, if she is financially ruined and all she cares about is working part-time, sticking her nose into her phone and not trying to better herself... that's a huge, huge MINUS.

 

If you are worried about this NOW, it's only going to get worse.

Also, she'll be back to her habits pretty soon.

 

Do you want to keep reminding her every few weeks?

 

I'd seriously consider exiting.

[Wisecrack]

Her 'alter ego' life should be the equivalent of your social life. Go out and socialise, make her see that you're having a life that she should want to be part of or worry about if you've got female acquaintances. Don't be threatened. You've already laid down the law so she knows one wrong step and you're out - this is the most important part; being willing to walk away. The biggest question here is why are you staying with her. If there is something there, whats the worst that can happen. If you're only staying because you see her more as a trophy GF then maybe best part ways now.

[TheyCallMeOx]

There's already a lack of communication. Don't waste your time. Find someone who is willing to communicate and not be so weird.

[longjohn]

Thanks for the responses I do appreciate your input. I decided after I talked to her I'd wait it out a few more weeks. I want to see if there's a slip back to what seemed to be her "normal" if so I'm out. Don't get me wrong, while she's nice to look at and have on my arm there's more to her than just that I do like the woman. We have a lot in common and think a lot alike it seems. However I've already decided in my mind no matter how much I like her if there's a repeat pattern of what I've already observed I have to get out. I just wanted to get some feedback just incase someone else has been here and done this before.

[longjohn]

Her 'alter ego' life should be the equivalent of your social life. Go out and socialise, make her see that you're having a life that she should want to be part of or worry about if you've got female acquaintances. Don't be threatened. You've already laid down the law so she knows one wrong step and you're out - this is the most important part; being willing to walk away. The biggest question here is why are you staying with her. If there is something there, whats the worst that can happen. If you're only staying because you see her more as a trophy GF then maybe best part ways now.

If she ignores me for her alter ego life online or sits up all night then lies about it, she will find herself single again very quickly. I've plenty of female acquaintances but I don't intend to play games with her or make her jealous. I'd rather be straight to the point with her and be black and white. Don't get me wrong I like the woman more than just looks. I've done the trophy GF before and to be fair it's shallow that's not me at this point in my life.

[littleplanet]

I've been dating a woman for a few months now and we are exclusive. I've had a number of concerns, concerns that looked so suspicious I intended to break up with her and be done with it.

 

 

 

 

 

She'd be up half the night online, she'd take her phone into the bathroom a lot, she'd vanish for hours on end and for an entire day at times. So I sat her down to tell her these things are ringing major alarm bells and I was out. However she opened up her phone, facebook etc to show how squeaky clean it was. She had no prior knowledge I was going to breakup. So I'm thinking maybe I'm wrong? Is it possible she's telling the truth? No there has to be something? I've thought of at least a few things that might explain this behavior.

• I found she plays a lot of online video games on her computer, I mean a lot of them but denies staying up day and night to play them. However admitted she's done that in the past.
  
• She was/is communicating with someone.. a male friend, an ex or someone from her games. Someone she didn't want me to know about. Why else would she hide her phone like that?
  
• I asked about Facebook when we started dating she said she's never on it. That's an obvious lie now. She's never off the thing.
  

Since we've talked she's stopped being up all night at least that I know of, stopped taking her phone to the bathroom and isn't hiding her phone anymore etc. I don't know if I just told her how to stay off the radar or if she was being honest and unaware it looked suspicious.

Over the months we've been together I've found over time she's had very patchy work experience. I mean 6 months here, a year there, 4 months at another place etc. The woman is very intelligent on paper (she has a university degree) and off paper, yet has a very unstable work history. She's moved around a lot too, all over the place but always coming back here which is home I suppose. She's not working full time and I feel is likely being supported by her parents at least partially. Financially she's ruined (never said but I see the signs) which ok I can understand that thanks to the economy and unstable work.

 

I suppose I'm unsure about what to do. She's very nice, sweet, kind and loving. She's very well put together and when out, looks beautiful and knows how to talk. However I fear there are too many unknowns for me to stay around. I'd hate to sink a year into this then discover something critical e.g. video game/online addiction that she may ignore me for, for days on end. Or worse she has online relationships she maintains via said games that remain unknown to me. The lie about Facebook to be perfectly honest is what sparked all these questions in my mind.

 

 

Your thoughts, comments and suggestions would be most welcome.

 

 

I think you need a little bit of perspective, OP.

 

I could be on LS 8 or 10 hours a day, if I wanted to find the time....

But I don't, because I have a full life.

 

Does it ever seem to you that she doesn't have time for you because she'd rather be online?

If the answer to that is no, or even perhaps not - then ask yourself what her time spent online really means?

In some places - and especially tv-addicted America, some people have 40-hour weeks devoted to the tube - and still maintain relationships.

 

As to her lack of financial stability, well......I know all about what's happened to the Celtic Tiger since 2008. That is not necessarily an excuse, but it is certainly a factor.

Economies all over the world are in sustained and severe slowdown.

 

I don't get a sense from the behaviour you describe, that she is a waste of time. Unless you want a high achiever. If that is the case, well then, yes, she doesn't fit the bill, does she?

 

But this doesn't necessarily mean she is prone to infidelity.

If she has difficulties telling you the whole truth and nothing but the truth, it could very well be for reasons that have nothing to do with attraction to anybody else.

 

Consider. In North America, due to massive student debt, there are many young adult men and women who have boomeranged back home, because their college debt is huge, their income is low, and almost all of it is going to pay off that debt.

So they hide out at home, can't afford a social life, hang out online, play games......and basically act like the highschoolers they used to be.

One can judge them as deadbeats.

I don't necessarily take it that far. It's a vicious economy, and many are affected by it (including many in the peak of their working lives who cannot replace the jobs they've lost.)

 

If she is as nice, sweet, kind and loving as you say she is - why not engage her in better conversation that can address your concerns?

Is she not worth that kind of effort?

[longjohn]

I think you need a little bit of perspective, OP.

 

I could be on LS 8 or 10 hours a day, if I wanted to find the time....

But I don't, because I have a full life.

 

Does it ever seem to you that she doesn't have time for you because she'd rather be online?

If the answer to that is no, or even perhaps not - then ask yourself what her time spent online really means?

In some places - and especially tv-addicted America, some people have 40-hour weeks devoted to the tube - and still maintain relationships.

 

As to her lack of financial stability, well......I know all about what's happened to the Celtic Tiger since 2008. That is not necessarily an excuse, but it is certainly a factor.

Economies all over the world are in sustained and severe slowdown.

 

I don't get a sense from the behaviour you describe, that she is a waste of time. Unless you want a high achiever. If that is the case, well then, yes, she doesn't fit the bill, does she?

 

But this doesn't necessarily mean she is prone to infidelity.

If she has difficulties telling you the whole truth and nothing but the truth, it could very well be for reasons that have nothing to do with attraction to anybody else.

 

Consider. In North America, due to massive student debt, there are many young adult men and women who have boomeranged back home, because their college debt is huge, their income is low, and almost all of it is going to pay off that debt.

So they hide out at home, can't afford a social life, hang out online, play games......and basically act like the highschoolers they used to be.

One can judge them as deadbeats.

I don't necessarily take it that far. It's a vicious economy, and many are affected by it (including many in the peak of their working lives who cannot replace the jobs they've lost.)

 

If she is as nice, sweet, kind and loving as you say she is - why not engage her in better conversation that can address your concerns?

Is she not worth that kind of effort?

You make some very valid points and this type of response is the very reason I posted so thank you. As you might imagine I'm still thrashing things back and forth in my mind. I can understand she may not want to tell me anything but to repeat what seems an obvious lie just lights a fire in my mind. However you are quite correct she could be covering something else that she's not ready to talk about yet. I'll be honest here and say my last serious relationship ended thanks to my ex talking to a guy via facebook and taking it much further offline. So am I suspicious of such activities yes, I'm highly suspicious at times.

 

 

Yes she has acquired debt over the years without a doubt. She came out of Uni and couldn't find what she wanted to do then ended up deciding she didn't want to do it anyway. So I can understand the financials and even the bouncing around job to job.

 

 

To be fair when I'm with her I've no doubt at all in my mind that she's only interested in me. This is the reason I decided to let it run another month just to be sure I'm wrong. I couldn't engage in better conversation with her. I know us men don't communicate the best and I've made that mistake in the past and I won't make it again. I mean I sit down, make a cup of tea no TV or music nothing and we talk. Some of the reasons given I just find it hard to believe. Although if I think of what you've just said, what if she's under crushing debt, can't sleep because of it, escaped into the world of video games as a means to deal with it. There could be logical reasons for her actions. I just don't want to act or react too quickly.

[Diezel]

Be careful that you don't get caught up in the cycle of "I'll wait another month"... and then another month, and then another...

[longjohn]

Be careful that you don't get caught up in the cycle of "I'll wait another month"... and then another month, and then another...

The thought had crossed my mind. Which is why I've a date on the calendar on my phone. It's a make or break date and won't be moved.

[littleplanet]

You make some very valid points and this type of response is the very reason I posted so thank you. As you might imagine I'm still thrashing things back and forth in my mind. I can understand she may not want to tell me anything but to repeat what seems an obvious lie just lights a fire in my mind. However you are quite correct she could be covering something else that she's not ready to talk about yet. I'll be honest here and say my last serious relationship ended thanks to my ex talking to a guy via facebook and taking it much further offline. So am I suspicious of such activities yes, I'm highly suspicious at times.

 

 

Yes she has acquired debt over the years without a doubt. She came out of Uni and couldn't find what she wanted to do then ended up deciding she didn't want to do it anyway. So I can understand the financials and even the bouncing around job to job.

 

 

To be fair when I'm with her I've no doubt at all in my mind that she's only interested in me. This is the reason I decided to let it run another month just to be sure I'm wrong. I couldn't engage in better conversation with her. I know us men don't communicate the best and I've made that mistake in the past and I won't make it again. I mean I sit down, make a cup of tea no TV or music nothing and we talk. Some of the reasons given I just find it hard to believe. Although if I think of what you've just said, what if she's under crushing debt, can't sleep because of it, escaped into the world of video games as a means to deal with it. There could be logical reasons for her actions. I just don't want to act or react too quickly.

 

You're quite welcome, OP.

 

You have legitimate concerns, based on past experience, to be sure.

But nevertheless, you may find that you are projecting your past onto her, and not necessarily fairly.

 

If you are capable of speaking well with each other, engaging in meaningful conversation, then this is well on the way to taking that conversation into areas that may be painful to you both (but especially, to her.)

It is a matter of building trust, after all.

 

Yes, she may be escaping into that netherworld of cyber reality, to escape that other reality (which can feel quite crushing, at times.)

This is what it is - not necessarily a sign of devious behaviour, but one of being overwhelmed by circumstances.

 

Of course this still needs to be addressed. One can't hide online forever.

It is up to the both of you, to decide how serious things are between you, and what best steps to take.

Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes to her predicament.

But as I said, countless people are stuck in this rut. This does not make them absolutely worthless relationship material.

It makes them handicapped when it comes to adequately moving along into a monetarily productive future.

 

Which is of course, what collides with the conventional sense of upward mobility.

But these are still concerns outside of the issues of trust, fidelity and honesty.

Deceit is of course, what it is......with all the usual consequences.

 

Perhaps that is what is really germane to the issue. Tackle that one, and if it comes out all right, perhaps you will then have a fighting chance with the underlying causes.

 

You have a timeline. Try to make that timeline according to what progress you are able to make with her.

 

My spidey sense says that she is probably a good and faithful woman.

Just very troubled by some things not entirely within her control.

Needing some strong encouragement to tackle what is in fact, within her control (but needing some courage to do so?)

 

Academic (followed by career) failure can be a very debilitating thing.

I work in the academic industry. I see it all the time.

Intelligent people winding up feeling incredibly stupid, and trying to deal with the shock of that failure. It is an awful, wasteful thing.

Watching others move on....while they stay stuck.

Very tempting to crawl into a hole and hide from the world.

Thing is...........it hurts.

 

My kids......at school (all the way up to graduate students).......I have tens of thousands of them. My heart goes out to them.

They are not deadbeats. They have hopes and dreams and aspirations - and are up against something infinitely tougher than anything I ever had to face, at their age.

Ah.......perspective. Wonderful stuff.

[longjohn]

You're quite welcome, OP.

 

You have legitimate concerns, based on past experience, to be sure.

But nevertheless, you may find that you are projecting your past onto her, and not necessarily fairly.

 

If you are capable of speaking well with each other, engaging in meaningful conversation, then this is well on the way to taking that conversation into areas that may be painful to you both (but especially, to her.)

It is a matter of building trust, after all.

 

Yes, she may be escaping into that netherworld of cyber reality, to escape that other reality (which can feel quite crushing, at times.)

This is what it is - not necessarily a sign of devious behaviour, but one of being overwhelmed by circumstances.

 

Of course this still needs to be addressed. One can't hide online forever.

It is up to the both of you, to decide how serious things are between you, and what best steps to take.

Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes to her predicament.

But as I said, countless people are stuck in this rut. This does not make them absolutely worthless relationship material.

It makes them handicapped when it comes to adequately moving along into a monetarily productive future.

 

Which is of course, what collides with the conventional sense of upward mobility.

But these are still concerns outside of the issues of trust, fidelity and honesty.

Deceit is of course, what it is......with all the usual consequences.

 

Perhaps that is what is really germane to the issue. Tackle that one, and if it comes out all right, perhaps you will then have a fighting chance with the underlying causes.

 

You have a timeline. Try to make that timeline according to what progress you are able to make with her.

 

My spidey sense says that she is probably a good and faithful woman.

Just very troubled by some things not entirely within her control.

Needing some strong encouragement to tackle what is in fact, within her control (but needing some courage to do so?)

 

Academic (followed by career) failure can be a very debilitating thing.

I work in the academic industry. I see it all the time.

Intelligent people winding up feeling incredibly stupid, and trying to deal with the shock of that failure. It is an awful, wasteful thing.

Watching others move on....while they stay stuck.

Very tempting to crawl into a hole and hide from the world.

Thing is...........it hurts.

 

My kids......at school (all the way up to graduate students).......I have tens of thousands of them. My heart goes out to them.

They are not deadbeats. They have hopes and dreams and aspirations - and are up against something infinitely tougher than anything I ever had to face, at their age.

Ah.......perspective. Wonderful stuff.

I've no doubt you are correct. I could very well be projecting the past onto this woman. To be fair to myself I'm sure I've done it before and left relationships seeing monsters that weren't there. The scary thing is we do talk and communicate very effectively. In fact we've finished sentences for each other at times it's quite freaky to be honest. We appear to think that much in tune. My ex however she'd be 180 degrees opposite of what I'd be thinking or wanting to do LOL. Your absolutely right, trust is critical and needs to be built. I do need to explore more of why she does what she does and try to understand that. This is something I've failed at in the past and something I've told myself I won't fail at again.

 

I've a feeling you know what your talking about and you are probably right on the ball with it too. What's weird is she's had a very different upbringing to me. Born into a well off family, went to a good uni, lived in a nice part of town in a very nice house and had high expectations put on her early on from what I could tell. I was the exact opposite, grew up in a ****e hole, expected to fail early on and to be honest written off as not going anywhere fast. I got educated slowly bit by bit, I got a job, a better job, got more educated etc and slowly clawed my way up the ladder. I'm at a point now where I'm doing well, have a good job, made some good investments, own my own house etc.

[littleplanet]

I've no doubt you are correct. I could very well be projecting the past onto this woman. To be fair to myself I'm sure I've done it before and left relationships seeing monsters that weren't there. The scary thing is we do talk and communicate very effectively. In fact we've finished sentences for each other at times it's quite freaky to be honest. We appear to think that much in tune. My ex however she'd be 180 degrees opposite of what I'd be thinking or wanting to do LOL. Your absolutely right, trust is critical and needs to be built. I do need to explore more of why she does what she does and try to understand that. This is something I've failed at in the past and something I've told myself I won't fail at again.

 

I've a feeling you know what your talking about and you are probably right on the ball with it too. What's weird is she's had a very different upbringing to me. Born into a well off family, went to a good uni, lived in a nice part of town in a very nice house and had high expectations put on her early on from what I could tell. I was the exact opposite, grew up in a ****e hole, expected to fail early on and to be honest written off as not going anywhere fast. I got educated slowly bit by bit, I got a job, a better job, got more educated etc and slowly clawed my way up the ladder. I'm at a point now where I'm doing well, have a good job, made some good investments, own my own house etc.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes the hardest thing is to make the decision to go that final step; is that one person worth the effort? But I've always believed that we choose and make decisions through all the echoes of past experience, because we tend to be hardwired that way. Experience is a wonderful thing, a valuable resource to draw from - but it can also tend to cloud issues sometimes when certain biases show up.

We are not always fair-minded.

 

Speaking of valuable resources, the communication level with your current - sounds like a good one. This is one good way to shake up the patterns of (past monster wrestling) and what many who've been around the block several times...."baggage."

I always liked to travel light. Learn the lesson, no matter how painful, and then move on....and do your level best to see the person right in front of you clearly, without all those ghosts crowding in the shadows.

Quite frankly, romantic success to me was entirely connected to to the fact that me and my missus were able to banish each others' crowds.

Living in a healthy present enabled a good future. (Which is now a good run of past accomplishments.)

 

I find it fascinating - the contrast between your past and your girlfriend's.

I see this fairly frequently. Those who come from backgrounds where it is an expected given that success will be achieved. And when that doesn't happen, there is no real foundation of good solid resources to deal with that. Family politics aside.....an academic career can sometimes displace someone from life in the real world. Life skills doen't always come with the educational package.

 

I often draw this comparison: in my college days, the cost of higher education was so minimal that one could easily work part-time (full time through the summer break) that it was easy to support oneself, earn a degree, and graduate with minimal debt, or no debt at all.

This only required the determination to engage with life as an independent adult, no matter how young (early 20's.)

And millions of us did it. We were all desperately poor broke blokes, but with no pressure to be anythiing else.

The world was our oyster, and academia just danced with our lives which were opening up to the expansion of consciousness in every direction.

Things were cheap. Rent was cheap. Tuition was cheap.

The economy was good. The job market was healthy. Competition was minimal. We were relaxed. Our silly mistakes didn't blow up our lives.

 

But as you point out.......when hard survival skills are acquired along the way (without any notions of grandeur) then it's kind of like the fabled tortiose calmly crossing that finish line in front of the bewildered rabbit.

For all the chaos of your troubled economy, you sound like you're doing well, indeed.

If your girlfriend could borrow a page from that book - she may arrive at that point, herself.

And perhaps that is her heaviest baggage - high expectations that were placed on her, coming from a postion of comparative privilege, and the failure of the results.

 

By the way - my family roots are in Wexford (4 generations removed.)

The harp, the fiddle and the flute will always be friends of mine!

Give my fond regards to Temple Bar.

And Trinity library. A fine place it is.

[FitChick]

Marry her and give her the life she's grown accustomed to.

[longjohn]

Marry her and give her the life she's grown accustomed to.

LOL no.. there's a couple of weeks left in the month to see what's going on.