Mary Oak Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I think it is the worse when they tell you that they want you to find peace and love. Not necessarily romantic love, but love is the world...joy in the world.... Don' t they know they just took that away... Anyways, I know there is more to love than one person. I just havn't found anyone that sparks any interest. Says she is happy to see how much improvements I have made in myself... I guess not happy enough to want me... Something must be going on in my body because the last 36 hours have sucked....
BC1980 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I think it is the worse when they tell you that they want you to find peace and love. Not necessarily romantic love, but love is the world...joy in the world.... Don' t they know they just took that away... Anyways, I know there is more to love than one person. I just havn't found anyone that sparks any interest. Says she is happy to see how much improvements I have made in myself... I guess not happy enough to want me... Something must be going on in my body because the last 36 hours have sucked.... You need to go NC even though you work with your ex. Didn't you just receive or send a birthday card from her? All of that has got to stop. You are idolizing this person. Why are you even on speaking terms to hear her say she can tell you have made improvements and hopes you are happy? Those words are like daggers when you still pine for someone. 2
Author Mary Oak Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 I received a birthday card from her last month. Since then, all correspondence has been professional.
BC1980 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I received a birthday card from her last month. Since then, all correspondence has been professional. Okay, that's a good start. I would not accept anything else from her. No cards, compliments, nothing. She thinks she is being nice, but it's not helping you one bit.
Author Mary Oak Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 I avoid her at all costs at work. As soon as I get in my truck to go home, I feel so much tension release just not to have to be in the same building. Many times, I just cry. I guess because I have held this stress all day. SHe has moved on. WHy can't I?
Author Mary Oak Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 And the funny thing is that she was the one who always believed in us. I was much more cynical. I had been hurt before, but nothing like this. Guess she got tired of my cynical attitude, but I loved her with all my heart.
Zahara Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I avoid her at all costs at work. As soon as I get in my truck to go home, I feel so much tension release just not to have to be in the same building. Many times, I just cry. I guess because I have held this stress all day. SHe has moved on. WHy can't I? You can't or at least having a hard time at it because she reminds you of your pain, your loss -- every blinking day. The analogy -- having a wound and allowing it to heal and soon enough it scabs and all that's left is a scar. With your situation, you have a wound and everyday that you go into work, it's another gouge into that wound. It never gets to heal. Everyday you feel that tension lift when you leave, you resume the cycle of having it pressure you when you go back into work. There is no relief, no space in between to breathe, there is no ability to properly detach.
Author Mary Oak Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 Have a vacation set for the end of the month... hope that helps... I don't see her, but I KNOW she is here, and I KNOW she is avoiding me like I am her, and it freaking hurts... I work out twice a day at work in order to relieve some of this tension....
Zahara Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Have a vacation set for the end of the month... hope that helps... I don't see her, but I KNOW she is here, and I KNOW she is avoiding me like I am her, and it freaking hurts... I work out twice a day at work in order to relieve some of this tension.... It's hard. I was once in your position. Although he was around the other corner of the building, I always had anxiety and it was a constant reminder. In the end I had to leave. I hated feeling the tension driving into work. Times I would close my door or keep it ajar to just feel some sort of dividing space. Having to run into the restroom to get a good cry out. Walking around the corner with fear of bumping into him. Bah. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
Author Mary Oak Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 That is exactly what I do. So many times, I have gone into the bathroom or out to my car to just cry. So many times, I have seen her and she has not seen me, and it jsut breaks my heart. ANd when we do run into each other, it is just a smile, head nod, or something. But, EVEN THAT, sets me off. I don't know what is happening to me but these past two days at work have been really hard. ANd I haven't even seen her. Even seeing her car everyday hurts.
Zahara Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 That is exactly what I do. So many times, I have gone into the bathroom or out to my car to just cry. So many times, I have seen her and she has not seen me, and it jsut breaks my heart. ANd when we do run into each other, it is just a smile, head nod, or something. But, EVEN THAT, sets me off. I don't know what is happening to me but these past two days at work have been really hard. ANd I haven't even seen her. Even seeing her car everyday hurts. I know how you feel. I would drive into the garage and see his car and my heart would be doing sommersaults, tears would well in my eyes and I'd have to sit in my car and mentally prepare, although nothing helped. My gf used to say, "It's just a car!" When he would be on vacation, I'd have some relief. When I'd drive in and not see his car, my head would run. Is he on vacation with someone, maybe he's late because he slept in with some woman, etc. It's just draining. Times I'd bump into him, I'd smile and pretend but soon enough I'd be crying behind closed doors, running to the restrooom or hiding out in my car to cry my eyes out. I don't know if it gets better. Maybe being in that situation takes a lot longer for the healing to take its course. I think those feelings will come in waves. One day you can deal and the next day you're crippled. That's normal.
Author Mary Oak Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 I do the same thing. I think that if she isn't in, then she is with someone else. How happy they must be together. Months ago, I had to drop something off in her office, so i did it while she wasn't there. I saw that all of our dogs pictures were taken down except one, and she had put up pictures of her new gf ( my old friend) and her dog. That was awful. THen one day, I saw flowers on her desk. Or I will get a professional email from her that is necessary, sometimes with a note of, hope you are doing well....or sometimes (most of the time) just professional... I don't know what hurts worse. It just sucks but i need to move forward somehow... it has been too long.
Zahara Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Yes, you do have to move on from this. I don't know what's the best way except to stay far away from her as possible. The situation doesn't allow you to grieve and slowly let go because what pains you is always there. 1
BC1980 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I feel for you in all of this because my ex is coming back to work at the same hospital as me in September. I'm worried that all of the same things are going to happen to me, and it makes me angry. Like, how dare he take so much away, and he can't even leave me my job. I'm going to see how it goes, but, when I get vested in December, I will reevaluate. I need to at least stay that long because I don't want to give up my retirement. Can you get another job? I think your emotional well being would improve so much. I love my job, but I will leave if I need to. It's not fair, but I guess it might come to that.
BC1980 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Yes, you do have to move on from this. I don't know what's the best way except to stay far away from her as possible. The situation doesn't allow you to grieve and slowly let go because what pains you is always there. Yup, just seeing her car or knowing you might actually see her is enough to send you into a tailspin. I'm really worried with how I will handle it. I can't even fathom having to speak to my ex again.
Zahara Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Yup, just seeing her car or knowing you might actually see her is enough to send you into a tailspin. I'm really worried with how I will handle it. I can't even fathom having to speak to my ex again. The one thing going for you BC is that you have had time away from him. It could be that you feel anxiety now because you're not sure what to anticipate. He may come back and you may not even feel a thing or you may just be able to deal with it. But you have a plan. If you feel that you cannot cope, you have the choice to leave. You're not stuck so there is a way out. I think the issue with MO and myself was that we had to deal with the aftermath of a break-up in the presence of the ex. 1
Author Mary Oak Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 Zahara. I am so sorry you had to go through that. It is a horrible pain. It is weird. At first, it felt good just to be close to her. Now, I just wish she would quit. I am not leaving. I have a good job which I have managed to keep through this heartbreak. It is really ALL I do have at the moment besides my pups. I hate going to work, but it does keep my mind busy sometimes. Plus I was left in the house we bought together so the mortgage has to get paid. Memories at home and at work. Sucks. And she just texted me (first time in forever) to see if we ( me and the dogs) were ok because they was a big storm on my way home. Of course I texted back and told her to be safe also. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. The only thing that matters is I am realizing who I am. And starting to like myself again. Doesn't help that even that person still loves her.
BC1980 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 The one thing going for you BC is that you have had time away from him. It could be that you feel anxiety now because you're not sure what to anticipate. He may come back and you may not even feel a thing or you may just be able to deal with it. But you have a plan. If you feel that you cannot cope, you have the choice to leave. You're not stuck so there is a way out. I think the issue with MO and myself was that we had to deal with the aftermath of a break-up in the presence of the ex. I remember thinking how lucky I was that he had switched jobs before the breakup. I probably would have left this job if he had worked here when we broke up.
BC1980 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Zahara. I am so sorry you had to go through that. It is a horrible pain. It is weird. At first, it felt good just to be close to her. Now, I just wish she would quit. I am not leaving. I have a good job which I have managed to keep through this heartbreak. It is really ALL I do have at the moment besides my pups. I hate going to work, but it does keep my mind busy sometimes. Plus I was left in the house we bought together so the mortgage has to get paid. Memories at home and at work. Sucks. And she just texted me (first time in forever) to see if we ( me and the dogs) were ok because they was a big storm on my way home. Of course I texted back and told her to be safe also. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. The only thing that matters is I am realizing who I am. And starting to like myself again. Doesn't help that even that person still loves her. I really think you should ask her not to contact you for the time being. I'm sure she will understand. I don't think she would contact you of she knew his badly it hurts you.
Zahara Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Zahara. I am so sorry you had to go through that. It is a horrible pain. It is weird. At first, it felt good just to be close to her. Now, I just wish she would quit. I am not leaving. I have a good job which I have managed to keep through this heartbreak. It is really ALL I do have at the moment besides my pups. I hate going to work, but it does keep my mind busy sometimes. Plus I was left in the house we bought together so the mortgage has to get paid. Memories at home and at work. Sucks. And she just texted me (first time in forever) to see if we ( me and the dogs) were ok because they was a big storm on my way home. Of course I texted back and told her to be safe also. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. The only thing that matters is I am realizing who I am. And starting to like myself again. Doesn't help that even that person still loves her. Thank you MO. I'm sorry too that you have to live your life on a daily basis with this burden on your shoulders. I really think you should tell her that you need NC. It's easy for her to pop a text because she isn't emotional and doesn't realize the pain she may be causing. But for you own sake, and to at least have some relief in trying to heal, you should tell her to stop contact. 1
Author Mary Oak Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 I know I should. Part of me doesn't want to give her any idea that I am not over her. I just have to "woman up" and get over it. I have no choice. This is my life now. I have to enjoy it without her.
Zahara Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I know I should. Part of me doesn't want to give her any idea that I am not over her. I just have to "woman up" and get over it. I have no choice. This is my life now. I have to enjoy it without her. It's very shortsighted when we choose to pretend at the expense of our own emotional and mental health. All the pretending only keeps you and only you stuck. Who cares what she thinks. Don't you think she knows? She knows you're hurt. She knows you are not over her. You have to think long term and bigger picture. What's the best course of action to get YOU where you need to be versus what I should do to make her think I'm over her? This pretending and trying to create facades is all at the detriment of your own wellfare. Essentially, you're just taking a knife and stabbing yourself. 4
Author Mary Oak Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 Zahara, i just sent her a quick email and said it would be best for my growth if she didn't reach out to me anymore, and I wouldn't reach out to her either. I won't hear from her about this... 3
Zahara Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Zahara, i just sent her a quick email and said it would be best for my growth if she didn't reach out to me anymore, and I wouldn't reach out to her either. I won't hear from her about this... You did the right thing. Her perceptions are irrelevant to your wellbeing. The bigger picture is you healing and moving on. Be proud of yourself in taking that first step. 1
BC1980 Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Zahara, i just sent her a quick email and said it would be best for my growth if she didn't reach out to me anymore, and I wouldn't reach out to her either. I won't hear from her about this... I did the same thing with my ex because he kept reaching out to me, and she also sent me a birthday card. It was hard to tell him not to reach out to me again because I knew he would leave me alone. I knew he wouldn't have a problem with it. You did the right thing. It's really the only thing you could have done. 1
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