Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 My friend is quite young and smitten with this guy that's a decade older than she is. They've been dating for more than 7 months buy he still has pictures of his ex girlfriend and him together. They are pictures of the two of them travelling together and leaning in for a picture. My friend says she is insecure about this but says nothing to her boyfriend. He also has quite a number of female friends and there is one woman she said he couldn't take his eyes off even though he swears he only likes her as a friend. I think it's best to leave him as I would never date a man is still hiding feelings he has for his ex. I want to encourage her to leave him. What is the best thing to do in order to delicately encourage my friend who is ( completely over the moon) with this guy that there are better options available? I think although she knows she is hurting, she doesn't want to leave the guy she pined for months before she finally " caught " him.
Eivuwan Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 My friend is quite young and smitten with this guy that's a decade older than she is. They've been dating for more than 7 months buy he still has pictures of his ex girlfriend and him together. They are pictures of the two of them travelling together and leaning in for a picture. My friend says she is insecure about this but says nothing to her boyfriend. He also has quite a number of female friends and there is one woman she said he couldn't take his eyes off even though he swears he only likes her as a friend. I think it's best to leave him as I would never date a man is still hiding feelings he has for his ex. I want to encourage her to leave him. What is the best thing to do in order to delicately encourage my friend who is ( completely over the moon) with this guy that there are better options available? I think although she knows she is hurting, she doesn't want to leave the guy she pined for months before she finally " caught " him. Look, she won't listen to you right now because she is infatuated. If you persist she will just resent you. It's better to leave it alone until the relationship ends by itself. 5
writergal Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Look, she won't listen to you right now because she is infatuated. If you persist she will just resent you. It's better to leave it alone until the relationship ends by itself. I agree with you Eivuwan. OP, as much as you want to protect your friend right now from this guy, I think it's best to just step back and let your friend handle this situation herself.
Mike B. Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I agree with you Eivuwan. OP, as much as you want to protect your friend right now from this guy, I think it's best to just step back and let your friend handle this situation herself. I agree with writergal and Eivuwan. Your friend will resent you and her boyfriend will too after she tells him that you are trying to tear them apart because you are just jealous that she finally found someone.
PogoStick Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Who are you to decide what is best for someone else? I found that to be the most annoying thing about dating girls during my college years. If she wants your opinion then she will ask.
littleplanet Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Unfortunately, OP - You can objectively see what your friend cannot. (Too much stardust in her eyes.) I'd say sit on it until a little trouble wells up in paradise, and she brings the doom and gloom to you (as a friend.) If you button up until then, you don't have to worry about telling her that you told her so. And until then (as other wise souls here have spoken) there's really not much you can, or should, do. And although it looks like she's in for a bumpy ride, who knows? Maybe not...... Stranger things have happened.
writergal Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Stranger things have happened. Definitely. Like an airline pilot buying his passengers pizzas while they waited stuck on the tarmac, or a dead snake that bit a man, or the fox that sent a text message from a cellphone it stole...indeed stranger things have happened than OP's friend and her guy's relationship possibly working out.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 She's too naive, clueless and scared to confront a guy that's 10 years older than her on topics like this...even when he knows it's wrong, he also knows he can get away with it, I mean even if she's bold and does act this is easy for older guys to deflect, they're smart about those situations and can complicate things then turn them back on you easily. She'll likely defend him if you attack him too hard, is likely to make excuses or come up with her own girly theories, hoping in the end he'll just leave all these women and she'll have him all to herself and she'll feel secure eventually in the future...but don't worry too much, he'll very likely dump her within the near future and you'll be there to give her a few pats on the back of encouragement and support...THEN she'll listen to you, and only then. 1
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 I agree with writergal and Eivuwan. Your friend will resent you and her boyfriend will too after she tells him that you are trying to tear them apart because you are just jealous that she finally found someone. Arrrggggh completely inaccurate but....yeah okay.
Leigh 87 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 When a man is over the moon about a woman and he falls madly in love, their universe shifts and they absolutely never act the way in which her boyfriend of seven months is acting. When he meets a woman he is smitten with he'll leave her. Or maybe he will leave her once he comes across a woman he simply has a better connection with and us hotter than your friend. Either which way he will likely treat her badly and she will be begging for whatever scraps she can get and there is nothing you can do about it, besides pick up the pieces once he breaks her heart and she " never saw it coming " 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 When a man is over the moon about a woman and he falls madly in love, their universe shifts and they absolutely never act the way in which her boyfriend of seven months is acting. When he meets a woman he is smitten with he'll leave her. Or maybe he will leave her once he comes across a woman he simply has a better connection with and us hotter than your friend. Either which way he will likely treat her badly and she will be begging for whatever scraps she can get and there is nothing you can do about it, besides pick up the pieces once he breaks her heart and she " never saw it coming " So true! It may sound idealistic but I have seen it happen often enough to know that it does happen.. I feel sorry for OP's friend 1
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 A man will criticize and treat a woman badly if he doesn't respect her or like her that much. A man will be an absolute ******* to one girl but treat another woman like she is the queen of the known universe... if he's smitten he'll be kind. 3
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 I absolutely agree One girl will be treated like dirt while the next will be treated like the queen of the known universe all by the same guy. If a man is smitten, he'll be kind. 1
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 Opps didn't realize my last post actually sent. Sorry for being repeat-y.
Leigh 87 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 And sometimes, a man won't necessarily be awful to a woman he is not smitten with. Many men will still be quiet nice to women they are not crazy about. Then the woman is left even more " confused " because she didn't see it coming. Personally, I only date men who show " sings " that I could be the one. The key to this is to watch out from the get go if they are showing sure signs they you are not the ones since no one with any sense will get all excited and over the moon too openly due to their own vulnerability and knowing that many times the brightest sparks fizzle. Basically if a man does the following things, the his girlfriend did not light his fire or ignite ay special connect: He has loads of female friends he texts and communicates with more than you, his girlfriend. He has a roving eye. He communicates regularly with an ex. He takes months to introduce you to family and friends. He remains online seeking out dates with other women because you didn't stand out enough to him to give up his search on your first date. He dates other women after your first date. He takes time to decide whether he wants to be exclusive and it seems like a hard decision that takes months. You don't catch him longingly gazing at you when you when you're just sitting there eating diner. You catch him gazing adoringly at other women. Woman that are not YOU.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 And sometimes, a man won't necessarily be awful to a woman he is not smitten with. Many men will still be quiet nice to women they are not crazy about. Then the woman is left even more " confused " because she didn't see it coming. Personally, I only date men who show " sings " that I could be the one. The key to this is to watch out from the get go if they are showing sure signs they you are not the ones since no one with any sense will get all excited and over the moon too openly due to their own vulnerability and knowing that many times the brightest sparks fizzle. Basically if a man does the following things, the his girlfriend did not light his fire or ignite ay special connect: He has loads of female friends he texts and communicates with more than you, his girlfriend. He has a roving eye. He communicates regularly with an ex. He takes months to introduce you to family and friends. He remains online seeking out dates with other women because you didn't stand out enough to him to give up his search on your first date. He dates other women after your first date. He takes time to decide whether he wants to be exclusive and it seems like a hard decision that takes months. You don't catch him longingly gazing at you when you when you're just sitting there eating diner. You catch him gazing adoringly at other women. Woman that are not YOU. Someone should write a book!!!! Although sometimes a man can do all the right things & you're not into him. That's frustrating!
No Limit Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Look, she won't listen to you right now because she is infatuated. If you persist she will just resent you. It's better to leave it alone until the relationship ends by itself. It's been quoted often but I'll do it again because I learned this the hard way and haven't heard from my friend since. Leave that topic be, you can't save 'em anyway.
mammasita Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 OP - dont encourage her to leave him, that will never work and will probably make her resent you. The problem I see is that she won't voice her feelings......encourage her to EXPRESS HOW SHE FEELS to him instead of brushing it off and let the cards fall where they may. If he's truly a douche he'll end up douching off into the sunset on his own. 2
Gaeta Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I absolutely agree One girl will be treated like dirt while the next will be treated like the queen of the known universe all by the same guy. If a man is smitten, he'll be kind. Disagree. A man that has respect for women will respect every woman. It starts with his own mother, his sisters, his female co-workers, and his girlfriend. If a man disrespect another woman but treats you right, it's a front, it's just a matter of time before he mistreat you like the rest of the other women. 6
Diezel Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Although sometimes a man can do all the right things & you're not into him. That's frustrating! It's more frustrating for the guy than it is for the woman, trust me.
Gaeta Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 he still has pictures of his ex girlfriend and him together. They are pictures of the two of them travelling together and leaning in for a picture. People forget what they have in the album in FB. Especially men. He also has quite a number of female friends and there is one woman she said he couldn't take his eyes off even though he swears he only likes her as a friend. That is your friend perception of thing and it's ignited by her insecurities. That is no proof at all that he likes this friend in a romantic way. I think it's best to leave him as I would never date a man is still hiding feelings he has for his ex. I want to encourage her to leave him. Why do you think he still has feelings for this woman? Because she is pretty and he is no insensitive to it? The man is in a relationship, not blind. If she's attractive every man around must be looking at her the same way.
marcjb Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) Never trust anyone that has a bunch of, or only opposite gender "friends". Your friend is not the insecure one, the guy is. He has a bunch of female friends and uses them like a bandaid to cover his insecurities of self-worth. Edited July 10, 2014 by marcjb 2
MissBee Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 There's not much you can do. When she complains all you can is give her your opinions (without bashing him) and phrase it such as you care about her and want her to be happy and to choose a good relationship, encourage her to speak up with him, etc. But you should only do this when she asks for advice or is complaining about her relationship. Unsolicited advice about friends' relationships (even if the relationship is really messed up) generally doesn't go over well and they often get defensive and turn it around on you. So it is best to allow her to make her own mistakes and to only give your opinions when she brings him up and complains or asks for it...unless she is being abused, then I wouldn't go out of my way to intervene, as with relationships most people are blind to advice and simply have to go through the fire to learn for themselves as when they're smitten, no matter what other people say they often cannot hear it. 1
Omei Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Who are you to decide what is best for someone else? I found that to be the most annoying thing about dating girls during my college years. If she wants your opinion then she will ask. Usually best friends care about each other there is nothing wrong with that... I find men are even more opinionated in who their bro dates right down to if they think they're hot enough or not.
writergal Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Never trust anyone that has a bunch of, or only opposite gender "friends". Your friend is not the insecure one, the guy is. He has a bunch of female friends and uses them like a bandaid to cover his insecurities of self-worth. This.^^ Totally agree with you. 1
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