heartbrokeninil Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Hello, since me and my ex basically lobbed our breakup back and forth, and she was on vacation in another state when she officially broke it off with me, she seems to think the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality helps her move on MUCH faster and get over me quicker, as opposed to missing me more, I am very worried that NC will make her never come back and solidify our break up more. I am in a very bad situation with my ex and I need advice so much right now. Me and her were fighting alot over the last 3 months or so and she pleaded with me to go to counseling with her but I refused, regretfully, because I was angry about all the petty things me and her would fight about every day. We recently broke up for good (arguably on June 18th or June 23rd) after some a couple very awful nights when things got extremely emotional and heated and i locked myself in a room while she tried to console me after it all happened, she moved back to her parents' house with our puppies (which are legally hers), I decided the next day at work that I was done being a victim of her abuse (which I now realize was both ways and we DID need counseling to let go of our anger at each other) and she started moving her things out of our apartment. She then gave me until June 30th to move out, which she was gone for all of it since she took a trip out of state to visit her close friend (who I KNOW never liked me, and probably convinced her flat out to move on from me), and we had limited contact the entire time, to which she insists I "annoyed her constantly during vacation". I asked to reconcile when she got back on June 26th she didn't try to contact me, she refused to talk to me, text me, or see me, claiming it was a bad idea and she was adamant about moving on. I begged her constantly to reconsider, asking her constantly and pleaded with her in texts, and she ignored my phone calls the entire time during this horrible desperate phase. June 30th came and I had to move all of my furniture out of our apartment back to my parents' house and into storage and I lost my cool again, crying in the corner of our guest room while her parents moved my things out, she never once tried to console me, she kept her distance and insisted that we don't speak or I try to touch her. Since then, I tried to reconstitute my composure by telling her that I was wrong to not respect her and I apologized about it, telling her how I felt and how I am changing for the better, realizing all of my faults and making myself a stronger person. She has said in texts "I don't want to be with you anymore, I need this now" and "I can't date you, not now anyways" then texted me twice on my birthday, which I didnt respond to. On July 4th I went through a really horrible depression spat and drove over to her grandpas cookout because she has refused to even try to talk to me 1 on 1, which didnt help because we both ended up crying and our facebook chat ended up with me pouring my heart out and her saying "I CANT" "STOP!" "IT WAS BAD" over and over. And at the end, she said "I am trying to be your friend someday, but you're ruining that now" and I called her, we both cried more, I started pleading and saying sappy things again like exactly how I would have proposed to her since it doesnt matter anymore and at the end I said "This is goodbye" and acted a little suicidal and irrational and that was the end of it, to which she was VERY annoyed. A few days later, she has told friends SPECIFICALLY that "it's a never gonna happen again thing", which is a little different from July 2nd when she vaguely hinted at a possible future. Since then, I discovered through logging into her Facebook profile on my phone that she went out on Saturday night and "left with a studly guy" and the guy's Facebook status was "apparently I'm someones bf tonight, sounds good to me haha" and I think she may be over me already, I am not exactly sure what happened or what that means but I also took her virginity and I doubt she would sleep with someone that fast, however I also found out that her from a friend that she was saying VERY negative things about our relationship such as -"I treated her badly from the start" -"He was embarrased to be around me and never introduced me to his co-workers" - NOT TRUE -"Most days I'm happy, I feel like a weight has been lifted" -"I thought he would change but he wouldnt" to another friend in messages....these things would NEVER get back to me, so I don't know if she's trying to reassure herself of the negative side of our relationship or not. She and I are also no longer friends on Facebook so none of her stuff gets back to me through normal channels, and she has no idea I still have her log info. Her friend also posted a picture of some psychotic ex gf that called her ex bf 77,000 times a week and wrote "THIS DUDE FEELS YOUR PAIN!" on it, to which she liked the photo. She also never tried to reminisce about the good times, always insisting that I treated her like **** and bouncing off my attempts to bring up good memories by throwing bad ones back in my face like "yeah I remember that trip, you and I fought the whole way back because you lied about a text message" She also told me that she is no longer "in love" with me, but she still loves me, and she told her dad, whom I have a strong friendship with, that she thinks our relationship was toxic and just bad, and its better to leave a broken mirror in pieces than hurt yourself trying to fix it. She has told me hopes I find happiness, but we just can't be together, even though I am so deeply in love with her that it hurts to think of her with another man and I want the chance to make things right and put our life back together. Her dad also tries to talk to her about me, which I have specifically told him NOT to do, because I don't want her thinking that I am still desperate and needy, as this is only Day 4 of my NC phase. He also talked to her tonight about me missing our dogs, and she said she doesn't care if I see them, she can drop them off at a dog park and I can spend time with them, but "she doesn't want me in the apartment at all"....basically I am trying to continue NC but I have told her dad that I do not want to speak to her, I would rather she dropped the dogs off at her dads' place and I can see them there, which will probably get back to her in that EXACT wording. I am worried that this will get back to her in a negative light and she will resent me more, and she will most likely text me within the next couple days and I don't know if I should text her back or not. My plan already is to send her a 'thinking of you' card in 25-27 days to her work with a picture of us and our dogs, or maybe just her and our dogs, and write a note in it saying something like "I realize you were right and I shouldn't have been disrespectful about this decision because I feel like I've grown and moved forward, it was good for us to have space and clear our heads, but I can't keep missing my 3 best friends in the whole world forever, let me know if you want to meet me at a dog park" and see if she responds. She is also an EXTREMELY empathetic person and emotionally charged, and she insists that she is "happier now" to me and everyone around her. Do you think she has moved on completely already? Why does she constantly bring up bad memories when I remind her of the good ones? Is she seeing other guys already just for comfort or is she already seeking a rebound that will turn into a real relationship? Has she friendzoned me already? Do I have any chance in hell of getting her back? Thanks for listening!
Author heartbrokeninil Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 anyone? i am stumped as to what i should do here
Eivuwan Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I think most people here will tell you to move on and work on yourself. Think of this as an addiction and you are going through withdrawal.
David87 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Dude you are all over the place, chillax will you ? You already did all the mistakes you souldnt, you stalk her on fb , you beg you plead and you act like a doormat in general, that's so attractive. She dumped you ok, she doesnt want you in her life anymore, accept that and move on with DIGNITY. Do you think she has moved on completely already? Yes, she accepted the situation. Why does she constantly bring up bad memories when I remind her of the good ones? Because you still talk to her, start NC right away. Is she seeing other guys already just for comfort or is she already seeking a rebound that will turn into a real relationship? Who cares? Shes not your girlfriend anymore. Has she friendzoned me already? If you keep this up she will unfriend you completely. You are not friendzoned, she doesnt want to see you now because she want to move on. Do I have any chance in hell of getting her back? NO. 2
JimmyWeezy Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 My boyfriend broke up with me while on vacation with his parents as well. That's how mature he is, my 21 yo brainless ex. And I know when you talk about out of sight out of mind. But you know that's not how it works... They do think. In what terms they do, that I can't say - and maybe ignoring is a bliss. And I know how frustrating when their bff doesn't like you that much, been there done that.
Author heartbrokeninil Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 I actually had copy/pasted this from a blog that got deleted, things are a little calmer now. Basically I am trying NC by not talking to her, I havent contacted her since July 4th but I still think about her every day, its very hard and I am concentrating on my life goals now. I am trying not to stalk her on fb, but due to my horrible attachment I have to her and our dogs we adopted, it's pretty hard. I deleted her and some of her friends from Facebook so I didnt have to see her all the time. I think there is still hope and I'm clinging onto it, she gave me vague statements on July 2nd about how she's focusing on herself and she needs this now, and she said she cant speak forever, but she doesnt want to be with me now. Honestly I believe she has "grass is greener" syndrome, she listened to peer pressure from everyone while our horrible fight lead into her going away to another state for over a week, she even said to a friend "me being on vacation was perfect timing because it was out of sight, out of mind". She has gone out with 30+ year girlfriends to bars who she never even met until two weeks ago, and has been cleaning up our old condo like crazy ever since the breakup, even though she has purged all of our pictures out of her sight, she NEVER cleaned when we were together, which was another reason we fought. I am moving on with my life in a forward manner, slowly accepting that I may never win her back, but it's a painful process. She hears about me from her dad and friends, only because we share mutual friends and her dad doesn't understand NC, but since July 4th I have not tried to establish direct contact with her. My hopes are to make her start missing our good times together and stop clinging to the bad ones that drive her towards resenting me. I may just try to eventually reconnect with her after a few weeks about going to our usual dog park and have that be a thing for a bit, she is very open to that and that's a gateway into her life again, however I am done trying to change her mind until she gives me a reason to try again, in the meantime I'm just doing me and in the back of my mind, clinging onto hope that she can find faith in our relationship again.
blindnlost Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I have some very similar experiences with you. It's been about a month and half since I broke up with my ex of 5 years. She's an introvert and like to run away from her fears, thats why she bailed on our relationship without any prior warnings. she doesn't even want to think about it. Out of mind out of sight, right? She initially asked for a "break".. Like everyone I begged and pleaded for about 2 weeks. Then I just stopped and went NC. And officially broke up with her one week after NC, texted her and asked if she wanted to break up, and finished it off. When the girl is really emotional they don't think logically. They will make up all sort of excuses and blame you for everything, when most of it is not true... Just stop contacting your ex let the dust settle. If you talk to them, it will just keep reminding her of the bad memories/breakup. She will only think logically when all her emotions settle. You have to know that the person you use to love is gone... She's not gona change her mind unless there's some sort of catalyst, that might be months or years but it won't be from you. Whatever you do now will only push her away. Even if you want to be back with her, you need to get over her first. It will be a brand new start just like if you were meeting her for the first time. But for now you need to move on with your life... It's hard there's no easy way around it, only time will heal your wound... You can feel miserable and bitter but it won't change a thing.. Better use this time to improve on yourself and make changes. Use that pain to motivate yourself and make her regret for ever leaving you.
Author heartbrokeninil Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 Thanks for your help everyone! I am still stumped on what to do, I have posted on other forums and am waiting on more advice. On one hand, I know she still misses me and won't get over me that easily because I was her first real boyfriend and her first "everything". She also insists that she wants to maintain contact with me due to our dogs and she knows how important that is to both of us, I can try to move things forward VERY slowly if we visit dog parks, with a Light-Contact way of dealing with it, while i change my life and get over our broken relationship. She also cares deeply about me and says she still loves me, and I still have things over at our condo that I have not tried to get yet, and she has not tried to give back to me. I know that she is trying to reassure herself that this was the right decision, and it definitely is, because both of us were co-dependent and grew too aggressive around each other, and our relationship went from bad to worse to broken after we couldn't get along. Basically I want to be the man in her life down the road, but right now I know we both need space and time to heal our scars, and I know our love wont fade away just like that. I am hoping that our time apart phases out the negatives and brings back positive memories. Right now I am taking it one day at a time, and it will take a very long time to get over all of this.
scobro Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Dude you are all over the place, chillax will you ? You already did all the mistakes you souldnt, you stalk her on fb , you beg you plead and you act like a doormat in general, that's so attractive. She dumped you ok, she doesnt want you in her life anymore, accept that and move on with DIGNITY. Do you think she has moved on completely already? Yes, she accepted the situation. Why does she constantly bring up bad memories when I remind her of the good ones? Because you still talk to her, start NC right away. Is she seeing other guys already just for comfort or is she already seeking a rebound that will turn into a real relationship? Who cares? Shes not your girlfriend anymore. Has she friendzoned me already? If you keep this up she will unfriend you completely. You are not friendzoned, she doesnt want to see you now because she want to move on. Do I have any chance in hell of getting her back? NO. buckle up this is going to hurt......no chance move on
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