jen_r Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Is 100% honesty in a relationship not realistic? I seem to keep having the same fights over and over with guys. It's always about being honest. I value honesty so much, its one of the biggest things I cherish in a relationship. But, it doesn't seem like anyone is truly honest. I do my very best to be completely truthful - even if it causes the other person pain. I just know that I would hate to be lied to so I show others the same respect. I hate the thought that I can never trust another person completely. Now, is anyone 100% honest? Is it okay to lie? Should I lower my expectations when it comes to honesty? I feel like I should because I just keep getting into fights over it and I'm seriously starting to think that maybe I should just accept that I will be lied to...
Elle1975 Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Is 100% honesty in a relationship not realistic? I seem to keep having the same fights over and over with guys. It's always about being honest. I value honesty so much, its one of the biggest things I cherish in a relationship. But, it doesn't seem like anyone is truly honest. I do my very best to be completely truthful - even if it causes the other person pain. I just know that I would hate to be lied to so I show others the same respect. I hate the thought that I can never trust another person completely. Now, is anyone 100% honest? Is it okay to lie? Should I lower my expectations when it comes to honesty? I feel like I should because I just keep getting into fights over it and I'm seriously starting to think that maybe I should just accept that I will be lied to... Well what kind of lies are we talking about here? Your boyfriend eating a cupcake on a diet, or him lying about going to the strip club with the guys? I don't like lies either. I don't like lies that matter, that would have an impact on my relationship. If that's what you're talking about, then I agree. If you pick at every little detail, and get mad over a cupcake, then I'd say you're stressing yourself over little. 2
Author jen_r Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 Well what kind of lies are we talking about here? Your boyfriend eating a cupcake on a diet, or him lying about going to the strip club with the guys? I don't like lies either. I don't like lies that matter, that would have an impact on my relationship. If that's what you're talking about, then I agree. If you pick at every little detail, and get mad over a cupcake, then I'd say you're stressing yourself over little. I guess I am talking about everything. Big lies and small lies.
Elle1975 Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 I actually broke up with someone over that, major lies. We were talking and he mentioned how a couple years prior he was trying to get to know a girl. I mentioned to him that two years ago, he had been in a relationship for two years with someone. His answer? If the gf doesn't know, it's not a lie. I dumped him promptly. 1
FitChick Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 A good excuse for not having a boyfriend would be: "They can't handle my honesty." 2
Author jen_r Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 A good excuse for not having a boyfriend would be: "They can't handle my honesty." Lol well I want to be with someone! I'm wondering if I just have to handle their dishonesty lol
firmness Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Forgive me in advance if this sounds wrong, but I have been lied to by almost every woman in my life from the day I was born. And I mean BIG lies. Mother, sisters, ex wife, mothers in law... you name it. I have rarely, and I mean RARELY been lied to by a man. In fact I cannot honestly remember a lie. Not sure what that says, but when I see a woman post here about telling the truth, I have to admit that I laughed out loud. The very thought of this post sounds like a lie to me. It has been my experience that women ask for truth, they get the truth, they judge you for having told the truth, they talk about the truth, but they do not deliver the truth. And there is one key reason I think this happens... They do not know what the word TRUTH really means. I intend no disrespect here. I welcome anyone who can prove otherwise. Read around this site - I bet you will find most women agree with me on this and forget about the men. Just read the Titles of the posts wherever a post is about relationship problems. Make of that what you will. I am still trying to make sense of it.
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Lies are bad but so is brutal honesty. Sugar coating things to soften the blow is sometimes required. For example If I ask my husband if something makes me look fat I don't want him to lie & let me go out of the house looking awful, but I'd rather he didn't compare me to a beached whale. Suggesting I wear something else is sufficient. It's called diplomacy. 2
todreaminblue Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 everyone lies even if it is only little........and meant to make people feel better when they are low....i think the reason for lying becomes more important......omission and not disclosing true intentions is also a form of lying......as far as me and honesty goes i try to eb honest in every way.....but some times i need to omit or protect and i will do so regardless of, if it is classed as a lie..... when people are deceptive with me and omitting i can usually sense it......and i let it play out.......because eventually ill know the truth.....when they deny that something's wrong or their eyes slide away from me.....i let them be.......and when i find out the truth ill forgive if i can sense the reason behind it...as long as it isnt major betrayal of a family member i more or less let it go ........ i have been told the truth years after the fact......and after years go by i knew it was a lie from the beginning of...... and i have already let it go...its more about peace for them than me......they dont have to worry anymore or treat me differently because they are hiding something...i accept people as being human and that means just like me sometimes they hide the truth...and sometimes those reasons are justifiable....i am not perfect like god or jesus none of us are........and everyone should forgive each other.....if no one did ....there wouldnt be any relationships that lasted in the world.....i do advocate honesty...i dont advocate hurting people though with blunt reality......or being honest for the sake of feeling good that you are honest, when you hurt another by doing so ...that's where remorse comes in for me.. if i omit there are always a good reason to do so..normally because i would make soemone uncomfortable and put on the spot..........i omit that i know when people are lying and when i know exactly what is truth and what is not...i let them tell me when they are ready to..eventually the truth always comes to light and i forgive....takes guts to be honest..i always respect that..deb 1
Elle1975 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 The forum is full of women who have been lied to, of men who have been lied to; and is obviously full of stereotypes as well.
Author jen_r Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 everyone lies even if it is only little........and meant to make people feel better when they are low....i think the reason for lying becomes more important......omission and not disclosing true intentions is also a form of lying......as far as me and honesty goes i try to eb honest in every way.....but some times i need to omit or protect and i will do so regardless of, if it is classed as a lie..... when people are deceptive with me and omitting i can usually sense it......and i let it play out.......because eventually ill know the truth.....when they deny that something's wrong or their eyes slide away from me.....i let them be.......and when i find out the truth ill forgive if i can sense the reason behind it...as long as it isnt major betrayal of a family member i more or less let it go ........ i have been told the truth years after the fact......and after years go by i knew it was a lie from the beginning of...... and i have already let it go...its more about peace for them than me......they dont have to worry anymore or treat me differently because they are hiding something...i accept people as being human and that means just like me sometimes they hide the truth...and sometimes those reasons are justifiable....i am not perfect like god or jesus none of us are........and everyone should forgive each other.....if no one did ....there wouldnt be any relationships that lasted in the world.....i do advocate honesty...i dont advocate hurting people though with blunt reality......or being honest for the sake of feeling good that you are honest, when you hurt another by doing so ...that's where remorse comes in for me.. if i omit there are always a good reason to do so..normally because i would make soemone uncomfortable and put on the spot..........i omit that i know when people are lying and when i know exactly what is truth and what is not...i let them tell me when they are ready to..eventually the truth always comes to light and i forgive....takes guts to be honest..i always respect that..deb Well put. I guess I have a hard time letting things go and realizing people make mistakes and have their reasons for withholding the truth. Maybe I am too blunt. I guess I just don't know what's not worth telling. Like, where is the line drawn? Ya know.
Author jen_r Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 The part in bold is your problem. It has been my experience that the women I dated who describe themselves as the most honest, did so just to injure others. They were often saying things that would hurt others, and used honesty as their justification. Trust me, you don't want anyone being 100% honest with you, either. ...well I don't do it to maliciously cause pain.
writergal Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Yes, I think 100% honesty in a relationship is unrealistic and unheard of because people tell lies all the time. Although bald-face lies destroy trust and intimacy and are the worst kind. Telling the truth is better. As Mark Twain wrote, "If you tell the truth then you don't have to remember anything." 2
writergal Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 A good excuse for not having a boyfriend would be: "They can't handle my honesty." That's definitely my excuse.
Omei Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) Forgive me in advance if this sounds wrong, but I have been lied to by almost every woman in my life from the day I was born. And I mean BIG lies. Mother, sisters, ex wife, mothers in law... you name it. I have rarely, and I mean RARELY been lied to by a man. In fact I cannot honestly remember a lie. Not sure what that says, but when I see a woman post here about telling the truth, I have to admit that I laughed out loud. The very thought of this post sounds like a lie to me. It has been my experience that women ask for truth, they get the truth, they judge you for having told the truth, they talk about the truth, but they do not deliver the truth. And there is one key reason I think this happens... They do not know what the word TRUTH really means. I intend no disrespect here. I welcome anyone who can prove otherwise. Read around this site - I bet you will find most women agree with me on this and forget about the men. Just read the Titles of the posts wherever a post is about relationship problems. Make of that what you will. I am still trying to make sense of it. That is just very very sad and very unfortunate, I dont lie and I believe my mother and aunts have never lied to me also. Your life may be surrounded by women that lie perhaps that's the way they were brought up. Unfortunate But there are many women out there that value truth and honesty even of it means its going to end up with hurt. you prob think what I just said was a lie if you really believe most if not all women lie and I cant help but giggle at that myself. Truth and morals arnt based on gender we arnt born into not understanding what honesty is that is just super silly I dont get how you can actually believe your own words. Edited July 10, 2014 by Omei
aprilisi Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 My mom said men tell the most lies, women tell the biggest lies. I find this to be true in my life 1
writergal Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I don't know who said this, but it's always stuck with me because it's true: the truth hurts for a moment, but a lie hurts forever. 2
torturedartist Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Is 100% honesty in a relationship not realistic? I seem to keep having the same fights over and over with guys. It's always about being honest. I value honesty so much, its one of the biggest things I cherish in a relationship. But, it doesn't seem like anyone is truly honest. I do my very best to be completely truthful - even if it causes the other person pain. I just know that I would hate to be lied to so I show others the same respect. I hate the thought that I can never trust another person completely. Now, is anyone 100% honest? Is it okay to lie? Should I lower my expectations when it comes to honesty? I feel like I should because I just keep getting into fights over it and I'm seriously starting to think that maybe I should just accept that I will be lied to... 100% honesty in any situation is unrealistic. We're all a bunch of liars, except for George Washington, of course. What would be the point in being able to talk, if we couldn't tell a little lie here and there? You've told some lies, too. If you say otherwise, I'll call you a liar.
writergal Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 We're all a bunch of liars, except for George Washington, of course. Um, I hate to break it to you t.a., but that whole Cherry Tree folktale was included in a book by one Reverend Mason Weems after Washington's death, as told to Weems by an old lady who spent time with Washington and his family -- a book that went through 40 revisions. Also, Washington was known to have a foul temper, so indeed it's very likely he actually told his fair share of lies too. Still...he was a good president. "Decision making, like coffee, needs a cooling process." The man had a way with words. Back to liars. Big or small, lies are lies. Everyone wants the truth, but no one wants to be honest.
todreaminblue Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) Well put. I guess I have a hard time letting things go and realizing people make mistakes and have their reasons for withholding the truth. Maybe I am too blunt. I guess I just don't know what's not worth telling. Like, where is the line drawn? Ya know. i think you can be blunt with a little discernment, a bit of compassion......when dealing in truth....the lien is drawn when you can put the truth in ways that are not outright offensive and confronting..... i dotn mean lying about cheating either..... if you cheat you should inform yrou partner and not lie but...... dont tell the guy you cheated on that the guy was better in bed than him it is unnecessary and damaging.....thats the sort of truth i am talking about ...omission of what your perspective is and leaving it to facts only...to me if you add the yeah he was better than you with a fourteen inch dick and f uc ks like a trojan what purpose does that serve? it becomes an ulterior motive on your behalf to put soemone down for your own benefit.....when bfs ask me about previous sexual experience and all of them have once i disclose my history.... its like they want to know but dont.........i plead the fifth it isnt necessary and quite damaging for guys to know if soemone is better or that i felt better sexually....so instead ill say "im with you they dont matter everything else doesnt matter...you matter though".....and thats the truth..its straight up truth without hurtful details........deb Edited July 10, 2014 by todreaminblue 1
iiiii Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I think lying to you partner - about anything - is wrong. Relationships are built on trust, and I don't think you can have trust when you lie. However, I don't think it's necessary to volunteer to tell your partner everything you think or do, unless you know the withheld information would be important to them. I also think, when you are telling the truth, that how you tell it is very important. You can say exactly the same thing in a way that makes your partner feel loved, and in a way that make them feel disrespected and unloved. We are all human and all make mistakes - but why make a habit of talking the second way? 1
Author jen_r Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 100% honesty in any situation is unrealistic. We're all a bunch of liars, except for George Washington, of course. What would be the point in being able to talk, if we couldn't tell a little lie here and there? You've told some lies, too. If you say otherwise, I'll call you a liar. Whats the point of being able to talk if we cant lie? Really? I never said I've never told I lie. I said in a relationship I try my hardest to be very open & truthful. I used to tell pointless lies all the time when I was in my late teens/early twenties until I was lied to by my boyfriend that I loved to death and realized how awful I felt and would never wanna make someone feel like that. I honestly feel SO sick if someone is looking me in the eyes and is believing something that isn't true. So, I try not to lie.
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