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Facebook has single-handedly set me back in getting over an ex

Standard-Fare

By Standard-Fare
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

Posted
Posted

I'm sure I'm not the only one here who can say this:

 

Facebook has proved a monster of an obstacle in getting over one of my exes.

 

This ex was from long ago, and without Facebook I'm almost certain he would have disappeared from my mind by now. But with Facebook, I've been able to keep up with the details of his life since our breakup, including his dating.

 

He wasn't even on Facebook when we dated. About eight months after our breakup, when I was well on my way to healing, Facebook "helpfully" alerted me to his new account. I tortured myself in poring through his pictures and updates. I even made the mistake of trying to get in touch with him.

 

Then I decided to do myself a favor and deactivate my damn account.

 

Well, "deactivate" doesn't really mean anything. You can still sign on whenever you want. I keep it rare, but every few months or so I do have to go on to check on a friend's birthday, or read a message, or whatever. And some of those times I can't resist the dark temptation to peek in on my ex's life.

 

After about six months of resistance, I just had one of those relapses where I spent about 15 min. on his page, browsing through pics of him and his new GF traveling through Greece. His life looks amazing, he looks amazing, and I feel sick to my stomach.

 

I really resent Facebook for providing this unnatural window into our exes' lives that wasn't available before. For so many of us it's really a huge barrier for healing. And sure, self-discipline is necessary for everything in the healing process. But this just doesn't help!

LostConfused123 Established Member

LostConfused123

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Don't look at an exes page.

simple.

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Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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NOT so simple.

 

I can go six months strong, and then one little slip, and I'm all up to date on the details of his present life. Which I should know absolutely nothing about.

 

I'm considering permanently deleting my account -- the more drastic step than "deactivating." Facebook brings almost nothing positive to my life.

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Elle1975 Established Member

Elle1975

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Delete the old account, make a new one if you must.

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music_and_poetry Established Member

music_and_poetry

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I feel the same way. I unsubscribed from his updates but his picture still popped up on that little nine-pannel top friends things Facebook does. It also showed me when he was on chat. I couldn't stand that he wasn't contacting me so I've put myself on a Facebook cleanse until 7/22. Two weeks, no Facebook. I joined Facebook in 2007 and I have never felt the need to take a break but right now I need some distance. Ignorance is bliss and if by some miracle he contacts me in the time that I'm taking away, for myself, then the message will still be there when I get back in two weeks. It's one of the hardest things I'm doing but I already feel better and it's only been a day. Maybe you should try it out with me :p

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HelloYoga New Member

HelloYoga

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I did the same thing with my last break-up. I can't tell you how it hurt seeing him with someone else and them both posting love quotes. I was doing myself harm and decided to stop. It was hard and sometimes I get the urge to look him up, but I remember why we broke up and the urge fades.

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organizedchaos Established Member

organizedchaos

Posted
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NOT so simple.

 

I can go six months strong, and then one little slip, and I'm all up to date on the details of his present life. Which I should know absolutely nothing about.

 

I'm considering permanently deleting my account -- the more drastic step than "deactivating." Facebook brings almost nothing positive to my life.

 

Block him?

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Strength in Healing Established Member

Strength in Healing

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Facebook brings nothing positive in just about ANYONES life.

 

It is a cancer. Just like twitter, instagram, and snapchat. They all need to burn in a fire.

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Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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Let me clarify, I'm not even "friends" with my ex on Facebook, so it's not a question of whether I should block him. He just doesn't have many privacy settings, so if I check his page I have full access to his life's details.

 

What kills me is that my ex seems to have gone from loser pothead when I dated him to world-traveling, do-gooder savant. I know social media depictions can be idealized and deceptive, but there's no doubt he's made progress. I'm happy for him, but sad that another woman gets to experience this "full potential" version of him.

 

I'm normally strong about not checking his page (or not even going on Facebook at all), but as I've admitted, I do have those moments where my curiosity makes me slip. I fully acknowledge that I'm only punishing myself when I do so.

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ASG Established Member

ASG

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Let me clarify, I'm not even "friends" with my ex on Facebook, so it's not a question of whether I should block him. He just doesn't have many privacy settings, so if I check his page I have full access to his life's details.

 

What kills me is that my ex seems to have gone from loser pothead when I dated him to world-traveling, do-gooder savant. I know social media depictions can be idealized and deceptive, but there's no doubt he's made progress. I'm happy for him, but sad that another woman gets to experience this "full potential" version of him.

 

I'm normally strong about not checking his page (or not even going on Facebook at all), but as I've admitted, I do have those moments where my curiosity makes me slip. I fully acknowledge that I'm only punishing myself when I do so.

 

Yes, but if you block him, you won't be able to check his page anymore. It'll disappear completely.

 

Also... don't blame this on Facebook. It is you who lacks the self control to stay away!

 

It really irks me when people blame social media for their problems... FB does not make people cheat, it does not hinder the healing process, it does nothing of the sort.

It's us. We are the ones with the power. In your case, the power to stay away form your ex's page or your own. Own up to it and stop blaming a website for your inability to heal!

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miranda_wilson Member

miranda_wilson

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A friend of mine (35 year old male) recently opened the floodgate of negative/jealous emotions when he finally looked at the FB page of his ex (24 year old female). He had been doing okay but then looked at her page, and he is now obsessing with sorrow and bad feelings because she is going to parties, preparing to go to yale in the fall, is going on road trips, has pics of her with a bunch of guys, and has lost a ton of weight recently.

 

Facebook is bad for breakups. I'm lucky my ex is not on FB at all. I do have a little window into his life because of mutual friends, but what little I've seen has been totally neutral. My ex is not a partier or a flashy guy. And I, likewise, have not been using FB to get to him.

 

If you know your ex is "like that," don't look at their page.

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organizedchaos Established Member

organizedchaos

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Let me clarify, I'm not even "friends" with my ex on Facebook, so it's not a question of whether I should block him. He just doesn't have many privacy settings, so if I check his page I have full access to his life's details.

 

What kills me is that my ex seems to have gone from loser pothead when I dated him to world-traveling, do-gooder savant. I know social media depictions can be idealized and deceptive, but there's no doubt he's made progress. I'm happy for him, but sad that another woman gets to experience this "full potential" version of him.

 

I'm normally strong about not checking his page (or not even going on Facebook at all), but as I've admitted, I do have those moments where my curiosity makes me slip. I fully acknowledge that I'm only punishing myself when I do so.

 

If you block him, he will disappear from the site. When you type in his name, nothing will show up. And likewise if he tries to look you up. It will be as if he doesn't exist, thus preventing you from looking at his profile and seeing any details on his life.

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Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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In your case, the power to stay away form your ex's page or your own. Own up to it and stop blaming a website for your inability to heal!

 

I absolutely agree with you that it's a matter of self-control, and that I've failed myself a few times there. (To my own detriment.)

 

And I agree it's not Facebook's "fault."

 

But I'm also just raising the topic of how social media changes breakup dynamics. In years past it was much easier to just allow an ex fade out of your life forever and not see them/hear about them. Social media almost ensures that some threads remain dangling.

 

If I'd had Facebook back in high school, it would have taken me months if not years longer to get over my first love. As it was, I was able to make a clean break because I didn't get constant reminders of that person.

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Jay77098 Member

Jay77098

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Facebook brings nothing positive in just about ANYONES life.

 

It is a cancer. Just like twitter, instagram, and snapchat. They all need to burn in a fire.

 

 

If I could LIKE this posting a thousand times, I would. Well said, SIH.

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ASG Established Member

ASG

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I absolutely agree with you that it's a matter of self-control, and that I've failed myself a few times there. (To my own detriment.)

 

And I agree it's not Facebook's "fault."

 

But I'm also just raising the topic of how social media changes breakup dynamics. In years past it was much easier to just allow an ex fade out of your life forever and not see them/hear about them. Social media almost ensures that some threads remain dangling.

 

If I'd had Facebook back in high school, it would have taken me months if not years longer to get over my first love. As it was, I was able to make a clean break because I didn't get constant reminders of that person.

 

Sure, things have changed. But they changed even before Facebook!

 

With my first bf, we had to agree to a time to call, as there were no cell phones! Once we broke up I couldn't even text him at stupid o'clock to say I missed him... I had to call his house and risk his grandmother picking up!!

 

And I had a lot more insight into his life, even without FB, after we broke up than I did into the life of my most recent ex, being his FB friend.

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NC-Thomas Established Member

NC-Thomas

Posted
Posted (edited)
What kills me is that my ex seems to have gone from loser pothead when I dated him to world-traveling, do-gooder savant.

 

1. OK, listen: you don't know anything about him. Facebook is just a front.

2. For all you know hes still a pothead and has a panda as a girlfriend.

3. Watch this video:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkrexgM2UR8

 

4. And now block the guy. Whenever you feeling like peeking make a tuna sandwich.

Edited by NC-Thomas
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JimmyWeezy Established Member

JimmyWeezy

Posted
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Facebook brings nothing positive in just about ANYONES life.

 

It is a cancer. Just like twitter, instagram, and snapchat. They all need to burn in a fire.

 

Preach! And let's not forget dating sites/chats. But that's just me since it's the reason of my love failure. Some people are too tempted by those things that they can't see what's in front of them in real life... Hello ex boyfriend, hint

Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

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Let me clarify, I'm not even "friends" with my ex on Facebook, so it's not a question of whether I should block him. He just doesn't have many privacy settings, so if I check his page I have full access to his life's details.

 

What kills me is that my ex seems to have gone from loser pothead when I dated him to world-traveling, do-gooder savant. I know social media depictions can be idealized and deceptive, but there's no doubt he's made progress. I'm happy for him, but sad that another woman gets to experience this "full potential" version of him.

 

I'm normally strong about not checking his page (or not even going on Facebook at all), but as I've admitted, I do have those moments where my curiosity makes me slip. I fully acknowledge that I'm only punishing myself when I do so.

 

Block his page. Besides that, I'm really not sure what you want us to say here. You know it's bad to check his page, so don't do it. It really is that simple. You know the stove is hot, so don't put your face on it.

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Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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Block his page. Besides that, I'm really not sure what you want us to say here. You know it's bad to check his page, so don't do it. It really is that simple. You know the stove is hot, so don't put your face on it.

 

Yeah, not fishing for anything here, just sharing a personal experience/self-frustration. I know a lot of people can relate to this one, whether or not they're chiming into this thread.

  • Like 1
Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

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Posted (edited)
Facebook has single-handedly set me back in getting over an ex
That's a little like saying "that hammer single-handedly bruised my thumb!" I think it had a partner in crime...

 

This may seem like semantics, but I (and others) point it out because by complaining about Facebook or Twitter (or the telephone, or the automobile) all of which are enabling tools to obsess or stalk or wallow, you are convincing yourself that it is somehow outside your control. It may take strength to avoid indulging yourself in whatever stalking tool might be available to you at the moment, but it is ultimately under your control.

 

Block him?

No, you've misused the question mark. Should be:

 

Block him.

 

Yes, but if you block him, you won't be able to check his page anymore. It'll disappear completely.

I have one "mortal enemy" who I do not wish to ever have any contact with in my life. As soon as I registered on Facebook, I blocked this person, who happened to be the spouse (and now ex) of someone I do wish to maintain contact with. No problem - although it wouldn't have particularly "set me back", I have never, ever seen any evidence of this person on Facebook.

 

Also... don't blame this on Facebook. It is you who lacks the self control to stay away!

 

It really irks me when people blame social media for their problems... FB does not make people cheat, it does not hinder the healing process, it does nothing of the sort.

It's us. We are the ones with the power. In your case, the power to stay away form your ex's page or your own. Own up to it and stop blaming a website for your inability to heal!

By believing you are powerless, you make yourself powereless.

 

Take control and make yourself powerful.

Edited by Trimmer
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organizedchaos Established Member

organizedchaos

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Yeah, not fishing for anything here, just sharing a personal experience/self-frustration. I know a lot of people can relate to this one, whether or not they're chiming into this thread.

 

So about 10 people have told you to block him to prevent you from checking in on him. Have you?

ponchsox Established Member

ponchsox

Posted
Posted
Yes, but if you block him, you won't be able to check his page anymore. It'll disappear completely.

 

Also... don't blame this on Facebook. It is you who lacks the self control to stay away!

 

It really irks me when people blame social media for their problems... FB does not make people cheat, it does not hinder the healing process, it does nothing of the sort.

It's us. We are the ones with the power. In your case, the power to stay away form your ex's page or your own. Own up to it and stop blaming a website for your inability to heal!

 

Blocking doesn't mean anything. You can unblock and look just as easily as you blocked them. Curiosity killed the cat.

Elle1975 Established Member

Elle1975

Posted
Posted

 

But I'm also just raising the topic of how social media changes breakup dynamics. In years past it was much easier to just allow an ex fade out of your life forever and not see them/hear about them. Social media almost ensures that some threads remain dangling.

 

Well, yes.. on another hand, I remember when we didn't have FB, and my ex would simply show up at my mom's house. She'd tell me about it.. 6 months later :rolleyes: "I forgot to tell you.."

ASG Established Member

ASG

Posted
Posted
Blocking doesn't mean anything. You can unblock and look just as easily as you blocked them. Curiosity killed the cat.

 

Well, of course! You can also get in your car and go camp outside his house, with binoculars, to see what he's up to!

It's just a matter of making it less easy and available. If you have to unblock him, hopefully that will give you pause and will let you think about what you're doing.

 

But in the end the answer is always the same. It's not Facebook's fault. One needs to be strong enough to stay away.

  • Like 1
ASG Established Member

ASG

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Posted
Well, yes.. on another hand, I remember when we didn't have FB, and my ex would simply show up at my mom's house. She'd tell me about it.. 6 months later :rolleyes: "I forgot to tell you.."

 

Ahh... yes... I remember being a crazy stalker ex before FB... though I'd just drive past the house to see if he was in. Never tried to actually ring the bell or anything... sad times! And no FB!

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