Ordinaryday Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 I recently got an email from an ex girlfriend who dumped me a few years ago and it is really nice. there is nothing mean or nasty or bitter in it, and I am good at spotting passive aggressive underhanded insults and there is none of that either. basically, it just says that she feels bad about what happened and hates to be on bad terms with me, she told me what she is doing with her life now, how she has a new job, moved house, how she has been progressing since I last saw her. it is a really nice letter but the one thing that saddens me is that there is no mention of us getting back together or anything, she kept referring to us in the past tense, we are over. it is a really nice letter and I do hate to seem mean and bitter, but the thing is I am not 100% over her and I am not ready to be just friends with her or facebook friends with her or nothing... the only way I could invite her back into my life is if we were back together. I accept nothing less than that. so should I respond with a brief email thanking her for her letter and wishing her all the best, or should I just ignore it? I dont want to get into a big discussion and I fear if I responded she might email back with "so we are cool, no hard feelings, you are over me? can we be friends?" and that would not be pretty. I cant be just friends with her, I made that clear to her when she dumped me. so what would you do? respond back or just ignore her? maybe a really brief response (just the words "thank you" and nothing more) so she knows I read her letter but no further conversation is necessary?
David87 Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 You are not over her just yet, that means you have to ignore the letter. 1
Moonborn Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 I say ignore it. If you are not over her you need to put your own well being before everything. Besides, if you do reply what happens if she replies back? And what happens if she doesn't? Won't you be wondering and hoping that she sees your nice response, comes back to her senses and gets back to you? I don't think taking the risk is worth it. 1
David87 Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 I say ignore it. If you are not over her you need to put your own well being before everything. Besides, if you do reply what happens if she replies back? And what happens if she doesn't? Won't you be wondering and hoping that she sees your nice response, comes back to her senses and gets back to you? I don't think taking the risk is worth it. You are right, she just wants to make peace with OP. ..... to know hes ok with the whole situation, she feels guilty for the way she treated him. 4
Author Ordinaryday Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 You are right, she just wants to make peace with OP. ..... to know hes ok with the whole situation, she feels guilty for the way she treated him. it isnt the ex I saw in the city who said "hi" to me, she is THE MAIN ONE, the girl all other girls are measured against. this girl was a girl who meant a lot to me and was really nice but she dumped me after a few months with the "Im just not ready for a relationship right now" line... I found out through a mutual friend that she hooked up with a different guy one day after dumping me... so she wasnt ready on the friday she dumped me... but she was ready for one on the saturday! real nice girl
Moonborn Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 You are right, she just wants to make peace with OP. ..... to know hes ok with the whole situation, she feels guilty for the way she treated him. Which can be fine really, I did that with a past ex who dumped me and it felt really good. But I was over it. You can't do it if you still have feelings for her. Took me six years to get there . 1
David87 Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 it isnt the ex I saw in the city who said "hi" to me, she is THE MAIN ONE, the girl all other girls are measured against. this girl was a girl who meant a lot to me and was really nice but she dumped me after a few months with the "Im just not ready for a relationship right now" line... I found out through a mutual friend that she hooked up with a different guy one day after dumping me... so she wasnt ready on the friday she dumped me... but she was ready for one on the saturday! real nice girl I know is a different girl dude, ignore the email. ... . but it's nice you got it. 2
Author Ordinaryday Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 Which can be fine really, I did that with a past ex who dumped me and it felt really good. But I was over it. You can't do it if you still have feelings for her. Took me six years to get there . Facebook is a great tool for that... I have made peace with a few girls over facebook and it was lovely to do so, but it was years after it happened. one girl I was pretty mean to in 2005 and in 2012 I messaged her with an apology and while it took her six months she did respond back saying she accepted it and thanking me for writing to her. she asked a few questions in her email to me which I took as an invitation to start a conversation, so I emailed her back... and never heard from her again. you can never tell where people are at.
erklat Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 I would say I don't communicate with people I have a failed romantic relationship with. Or I wouldn't respond at all. Depends on my mood. 1
Chi townD Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 If you're not over her, then don't respond. You'd be opening up old wounds. 1
RDawg Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 (edited) She dumped you a few years ago and you still aren't over it? That's not very encouraging for the rest of us. Maybe you should respond to her and try the whole friendship thing. It seems going no contact hasn't had the desired effect so maybe try the alternative? Maybe she wants to test the waters but doesn't lurk on Love Shack so she doesn't know that she's supposed to say "I made a mistake, please forgive me, I want you back etc." Maybe by being friends it will help you see her in a different light and you can put this thing to rest for good. Edited July 9, 2014 by RDawg
erklat Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Maybe she wants to test the waters but doesn't lurk on Love Shack so she doesn't know that she's supposed to say "I made a mistake, please forgive me, I want you back etc." Exactly. I have seen here that it is actually clingy to deny them friendship but I suppose sometimes it is necessary to hint that we are either lovers or complete strangers.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 She dumped you a few years ago and you still aren't over it? That's not very encouraging for the rest of us. Maybe you should respond to her and try the whole friendship thing. It seems going no contact hasn't had the desired effect so maybe try the alternative? Maybe she wants to test the waters but doesn't lurk on Love Shack so she doesn't know that she's supposed to say "I made a mistake, please forgive me, I want you back etc." Maybe by being friends it will help you see her in a different light and you can put this thing to rest for good. If she really wants to get back, an unanswered letter won't stop her in that quest. I don't think she's angling for a reconciliation by other means. And I don't think "being friends" is the best idea either. If there are still feelings there, he shouldn't do anything. Take this as an ego boost OP. If you aren't comfortable with responding, then don't. 2
Author Ordinaryday Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 She dumped you a few years ago and you still aren't over it? That's not very encouraging for the rest of us. . to be honest I dont think you EVER get over some things, ever get over the abuse and heartbreak and crap you went through. you learn to live with it, but that doesnt mean you accept it and are at peace with it. 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 she told me what she is doing with her life now, how she has a new job, moved house, how she has been progressing since I last saw her. I dunno. This seems pretty passive aggressive to me. The only reason she would tell you things like this is to get a rise out of you. I know if my ex ever came at me with this kind of garbage, knowing how much I was in pain from her breaking my heart, I would be pissed. It's like saying "I'm glad I dumped you because now look at how my life is so much better" F-That!!! You may not see it, but this is completely by design!! 3
David87 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I dunno. This seems pretty passive aggressive to me. The only reason she would tell you things like this is to get a rise out of you. I know if my ex ever came at me with this kind of garbage, knowing how much I was in pain from her breaking my heart, I would be pissed. It's like saying "I'm glad I dumped you because now look at how my life is so much better" F-That!!! You may not see it, but this is completely by design!! I don't think she knows how much pain she caused. 1
elseaacych Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 You could reply to the letter and then "accidentally" drop it in a fire before you send it. 2
sugarlove Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I don't think he in the right mental state to start a fire... I think, you are certainly over-analysing this.. it's been so long. I've an ex coming back after a year but at that stage, I was over him. If you aren't, and you are not afraid of getting hurt, I don't see why you can't just follow your gut. Keep worrying about this and that just set you up for regret either way.
Author Ordinaryday Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 I don't think he in the right mental state to start a fire... I think, you are certainly over-analysing this.. it's been so long. I've an ex coming back after a year but at that stage, I was over him. If you aren't, and you are not afraid of getting hurt, I don't see why you can't just follow your gut. Keep worrying about this and that just set you up for regret either way. I ask this question because I have seen so many people worry about doing the right thing and being the 'bigger' person and not appearing bitter or anything like that.... for example... My brother was in a one year relationship with a girl who treated him like dirt. she abused him, banned him from seeing his friends, playing sport, etc. she was evil. after a year they broke up and about year later he was in the city and saw her. she walked over to him and chatted and he politely chatted to her for five minutes before going on his way. if it was a girl who did that to me I would flat out ignore her, even right to her face - even if she called out to me I would turn my head the other way and just keep walking. I guess everyone is different.
sugarlove Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Yeh, everyone is different. For me, I'll still be pretty nice to them.. I think I am willing to accept that things are in the past, and that's where they should stay. I prefer to kill them with my kindness and drown them with my bitterness.
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