Broke NC after a year - ?

[ASortaFairytaleWY]

Hi everybody. I hope you can give me your opinion on this. I've been reading this board for awhile and understand the importance of NC, and how most of you feel about long distance relationships. A quick background - I met a man on a dating website about three years ago. He lived on the west coast and I am on the east coast, so it was just playful and friendly for about a year. Neither one of us had a SO at the time. Then about a year in we realized we had very strong feelings for each other and things got more serious. We would Skype, talk on the phone all the time, to the point where we talked about being in a serious, long distance relationship. I realize this was all very premature as we had not met in person, so finally he came to see me.

 

We spent a 3 day weekend together, and it seemed to be going really well for the first two days. We kissed a few times, and enjoyed each other's company. The third day he became very withdrawn and when he left I knew there was something wrong. After he got home he told me he just didn't feel a spark there. Which was really disappointing and sad... especially after he just spent the weekend being sorta romantic towards me. It was confusing. Neither one of us are the type to kiss randomly, so I can only come to the conclusion that he was just trying to see if there was anything there. I am extremely awkward and was extremely nervous, so there's a possibility that he picked up on that and it ruined the mood.

 

The way he told me was kind of abrupt and sort of rude - he just kind of stopped texting and calling for awhile after he got home. I figured he's just taking some time to think things over, and didn't make a thing of it. But then he VERY awkwardly told me he just didn't feel a spark there.

 

I told him after thinking about it that I was very sad about the whole thing, and I didn't think I could be "just friends" with him. I sent him a very thoughtful, calm email expressing my feelings for him honestly, just so he knew where I stood. We were probably best friends at that point, and it was extremely hard, but I went N/C for a month and a half. My birthday rolled around, and he sent me a happy birthday email, again expressing how sorry he was that things turned out the way they did. I waited three / four days to respond, as I wasn't sure if I wanted to, but eventually sent a polite, short thank you and said that I hoped he was doing well. He could have taken that as a chance to get back in touch, but he didn't respond back. I hoped he would, because I really would have liked to talk and figure out what was going through his mind, or if he maybe wanted to see me one more time. I waited and waited for another email. Nothing. So I went back to NC and pushed it out of my mind.

 

I figured I needed to detox him from my life, and after some time went by I removed him from my Facebook, Messenger, etc., and did a fairly good job of forgetting about him. HIS birthday rolled around after that, and I ignored it completely.

 

It's been 10 months since the last email and I've been NC the entire time. At first I thought about him every day, and cried a lot. Now, I feel like I've moved on and have been dating again.

 

He just sent me a Facebook Message (we are not friends).

 

It basically went: Hey ASortaFairytaleWY, I was thinking about you today and figured I'd send you a message. I reread that email you sent me and I know you might still have bitter feelings about it, but I still am very sorry about how things turned out. How would you feel about getting in touch again? I'd like to hear from you.

 

WHAT is going on here? Is he just feeling guilty, does he miss my company, or is this a guy who is really confused and wants to strike things up again? Why would he not reply to my email last year, and then instead of emailing me FB-ing me? It seems like he's going for a more casual approach. I'm inclined to say he feels bad about how things ended.

 

If there's a chance that he wants to see me again I don't want to completely ignore it. But I also don't want to be that girl who is conveniently around when he feels lonely. I have moved on, but hearing from him again has brought back old feelings. Even after 10 months. So I don't know if they will necessarily ever go away.

 

Thanks for the advice, guys.

 

EDIT: I forgot to mention that we are both in our early 30's

Edited July 9, 2014 by ASortaFairytaleWY

[ASortaFairytaleWY]

Has anybody got any ideas for me? His message is sitting in my FB account. I don't know what his intentions are, but I don't want to start talking about the past if it will ruin chances of reconciliation.

 

And I don't want to let it sit there too long if it's best to reply right away.

 

How do I figure out what he wants without breaking NC or limited contact?

 

The first time he contacted me after a month I gave him a one-sentence answer and he never replied back.

 

:-\

 

Help!!

[sugarlove]

Hey, I'm not sure if age matters, but if it helps i'm in my mid 30s as well.

 

I will say that if it feels right, go for it. Life's too short to ponder over something that happened ages ago. If you feel apprehensive, then perhaps it's not the best time to initiate contact.

 

10 months is relatively long.. he sounds like he was trying to ask if you are okay, since he mentioned that you sounded bitter. Perhaps he wanted to release some guilt for treating you shabbily or that he had fshed around, and noone bite.

 

Still, it's hard to say why he contacted you, ask for a reason so you can decide.

[emi]

If you are really move on and doing fine with your life? WHY BOTHER?

Do you really need him as friend? Cmon there are 7 billion people in the world, you can be friends with loads of them. Why bring more headache to your life?

You met him, he had his chance, he blown it, it ended, life goes on. Thats all.

About he contacted you, i think hes just curious and feel some sort of guilt, maybe but its sure that he doesnt want any romantic relationship so lets just forget it

[Zahara]

OP, he's on the west coast, you're on the east coast. What are you hoping to get from this, especially after meeting him and he was direct about not feeling a spark? And he never pursued it anymore other than to just be polite with a birthday wish. If you are emotional and have expectations, do you really want to revisit this again?

[BC1980]

Just sounds like he's trying to be nice and maybe make himself feel better by apologizing. He mentioned you might be bitter, so he wants to have things on good terms. I wouldn't read too much into it and wouldn't respond. Like Zahara asked, what do you honestly want out of all of this, and what will realistically happen?

[Zapbasket]

Take this with a grain of salt as coming from someone whose ex has not reached out ONCE in the whole last nearly year since we've broken up, even though he lives a mile down the road from me. But: to me, reaching out like this guy has done shows that you meant something to him; he still cares and thinks of you; and he wants to connect with you to see how you are and maybe find out if there's a way you could still be in one another's lives even if you are 1) long-distance and 2) not in a romantic relationship.

 

It sounds to me like it was hard for him to discover there was not the necessary spark after a year of communicating and bonding with you from afar and probably building up a lot of hopes and expectations. At least he had the courage to be honest with you more or less off the bat--and that's why I think this is a positive gesture on his part, out of genuine care for you and good memories of interactions with you.

 

A couple of months ago I posted a thread about how it's perhaps unrealistic to expect that an ex reach out with, "I want to get back together with you." Especially after a lot of time has passed, it would be a bit unrealistic of THEM to assume the romance still is there, on either person's end. Perhaps it's more realistic, I surmised, to accept someone reaching out as them remembering you and still caring about you, and not attaching expectations to it. Of course, this mainly applies when you were not strung along, or deceived in any way during the relationship, or if when they broke up with you they were not unnecessarily cruel or cold.

 

So I say, if you still care for him, then respond. Have a nice interaction with him, and see how YOU feel afterward. If you cannot accept anything less than a romantic relationship with him, then you'll have the opportunity to tell him so, and explain that contact is too painful because it leaves you wanting something that isn't for the taking.

 

But take heart that clearly you mattered to him, even if he didn't feel the kind of spark that would make him want to pursue a romantic relationship with you. He sounds like a pretty decent guy, one with honesty and courage. Give him a chance.

[ASortaFairytaleWY]

Thank you guys! I appreciate hearing your opinions... ultimately, I'd like to try again. I don't think we were unrealistic with our expectations. We were both very hesitant to make the jump from chatting now and then to being friends to confessing feelings for each other. That whole process took at least two years. And I think we were both getting really excited at meeting each other, and towards the last couple of months he started getting very ahead of himself. Like he initiated very sexy phone conversations, and I had to have a talk with him about it. I think he was just very frustrated about the distance and neither one of us knew what to do about it. I explained to him that I really like him, but it's probably best to meet in person to see if there is any chemistry there before we cross that line. Because it's hard to go backwards, as we are now experiencing.

 

I know all along he has expressed concerns about the distance, which is why we didn't meet up sooner and let three years go by. We never considered ourselves in a relationship but for the last few months, it felt like one. When he finally told me his thoughts they were VERY complicated and confusing. He said maybe he felt SOMETHING there, but as far as continuing a long-distance thing, he didn't feel it was going to be enough. I think he may have been trying to spare my feelings, but what he did say was VERY confusing. I think he was just confused all along, and still is. He also said something about an ex that he never mentioned to me the whole time we were talking and that threw up a huge red flag. He doesn't seem like the type to lie to me by omission, or lie about his feelings to make me feel better post "break-up", but I made it very clear that I was not having any of it and immediately went NC and told him we couldn't be friends.

 

What do I want out of this? I would like to see if a second chance is in the cards. It *has* been 10 months, and I have already started dating again, although I don't have a boyfriend right now. I feel moved on enough that it wouldn't stifle my dating life if we talked, but I don't want to ruin my chance of reconciliation by breaking NC, or by being a doormat.

 

While we were still talking pre-visit, I got the impression that he has a lot of female friends, including previous ex girlfriends. It makes me wonder if he really just wasn't over somebody and *I* was a rebound of some kind (a three year rebound?), or that he just tends to meet girls, test them out, then friend zone them because he doesn't know what he really wants.

 

So I guess I should just be civil and see what it is he wants. He does feel really bad about the whole thing and has apologized twice. I have apologized once for the things I did wrong in my email to him after this all went down. Including telling him that he is forgiven and best of luck moving on. But he seems to keep repeating how sorry he is. So maybe I should address that once more? Maybe the guilt is eating away at him or something. I don't want to do that to him. But I feel like I already made an effort to alleviate some of the guilt, even though I'm the one who got dumped.

 

How does this sound?

 

"Hey ______. I'm doing well, thanks. I'm surprised to hear from you. How have you been this past year?"

 

That is basically a step above what I sent him 10 months ago which he completely ignored. He could tell I was being curt on purpose.

[ASortaFairytaleWY]

So I replied after a few days and we had a civil conversation. I did not bring up anything about what happened in the past and said things were going well. We chatted about some fun, non-relationship things.

 

He then brought it up how nice it was here when he visited. And then said he'd like to "keep in contact again" if that was okay with me. Very vague. I told him I'm cool with that.

 

However, he waited one day and friended me on Facebook again.

 

I don't know how to feel about this.

 

Yes, it's probably not going to work out as far as second chances go, but he didn't ask to "be friends." He just wanted to initiate some contact.

 

As far as getting a second chance, is re-friending him going to put the nail in the coffin? Or do I have to put the nail in the coffin before I can achieve the reconciliation that is needed to underscore a second chance?

 

This is all very confusing to me. I don't want to ask him directly because I know that if I start dragging up the past that will also put the nail in the coffin, and frankly, I don't really care or want to rehash it.

 

Should I just ignore the request and initiate NC again and see what he does? I feel that might only nail the coffin on the friendship AND the second chance.

[BC1980]

So I replied after a few days and we had a civil conversation. I did not bring up anything about what happened in the past and said things were going well. We chatted about some fun, non-relationship things.

 

He then brought it up how nice it was here when he visited. And then said he'd like to "keep in contact again" if that was okay with me. Very vague. I told him I'm cool with that.

 

However, he waited one day and friended me on Facebook again.

 

I don't know how to feel about this.

 

Yes, it's probably not going to work out as far as second chances go, but he didn't ask to "be friends." He just wanted to initiate some contact.

 

As far as getting a second chance, is re-friending him going to put the nail in the coffin? Or do I have to put the nail in the coffin before I can achieve the reconciliation that is needed to underscore a second chance?

 

This is all very confusing to me. I don't want to ask him directly because I know that if I start dragging up the past that will also put the nail in the coffin, and frankly, I don't really care or want to rehash it.

 

Should I just ignore the request and initiate NC again and see what he does? I feel that might only nail the coffin on the friendship AND the second chance.

 

You're thinking way too much about this and trying to manipulate his responses. First, you say it's cool to keep in contact, but, now, you are thinking about denying his FB request and going NC. That's just going to make you look silly at this point. It undermines you credibility, and it sure doesn't help you to get him back.

 

What you want is a second chance, which is very unlikely to happen. So you need to decided if you are okay with occasional contact from him as a friend, or do you just want to cut your losses and move on? I don't think it's wise to maintain contact if your goal is to get a second chance.

[flight E]

U already said keeping contact was cool not responding to the friends request will seem wishywashy and as if you playing games. The bottom line is for a successful reconciliation you have to be at a point where it doesn't not matter if you reconciled or not. That way the person won't feel pressured and you won't be too emotional which are all bad for a reconciliation. If you sure you at that place then go ahead and have fun wit him and see how it goes. So long is whichever way it does you fine

[Cerulean Blue]

I agree with a lot of what's been said above.

 

1. That he is reaching out to you shows that he is still interested to connect in some manner. The nature of this connection I cannot say; in fact noone can conjecture based on just one message. It is up to you whether to find out or not.

 

2. Like many said above, I think you should only maintain contact if you are not invested in an outcome and happy to take things as they go - be it just reconnecting with someone in the past and nothing else, or a renewed friendship, or a second chance. Don't focus on the past, focus on re-connecting and/or updating each other on your lives.

 

3. If you want to stay connected and for him to be in your life then accept the friend request, answer messages, etc. Think of him as an acquaintance for now. If you don't, send him a polite message stating something to that effect. Ignoring friend requests, or messages, etc could be misinterpreted or cause him to be resentful.

[ASortaFairytaleWY]

Thanks again for the advice guys. I decided to re-friend him. We had two small chit-chat conversations and kept it to what's going in in life and not about the past. It's not the same as it used to be and I think he's kind of feeling that vibe as well. I don't know what the point of this whole thing is, but if he needed closure, I hope that gave him at least some of that.

 

He has said a few things that made me a little concerned that he does want to see me again. Like we were talking about a bad decision someone made and he jumped out of nowhere with "I've made bad decisions." And then he let an awkward silence go by. He also mentioned how nice it was when he came to visit. I am probably reading into all of this stuff, but maybe there is a second chance for us down the line. As for right now I'm going to keep dating and just take it as it comes.

 

Thanks guys!

[KaliLove]

Hmm..if there was no spark the first time, I'm not sure why there would be one the second time. I kind of feel like you could be setting yourself up for another disappointment. I would proceed with much caution.

[Summerrose2013]

So you only actually ever spend 2-3 days together? And he wasn't feeling it then? Do you think perhaps you are idealising a relationship that isn't really there and never was? Please find someone nearer to you, join some groups, go on a dating site and click the box that says they must live near to you. I've been in LDRs and they require a lot of love and feelings and hard work. If you want a pen pal, then fine, but pleaes don't put off having a real RS with a local person for this million to one shot.....

[lop98]

maybe, just maybe, it's been in his mind that life isn't a chick flick and in relationships as complex as those that started as a years long friendship online and you shared so much before even meeting, awkwardness and moments of silence take over when you finally get to that face to face encounter... the 'spark' may not feel there at all because it's so much to process, and based on the start of a process of familiarization (not even waiting for all the emotions to settle in) he just decided no spark= no relationship and cut you out of his life, as if the three years of talking had been just a wrong impression.

 

Maybe he realized this but if he didn't, he should.

[Omei]

Whatever you pick is what you pick.

We don't really know anything people disconnect and reconnect all the time in life.

 

Just keep in the back of your head its only been a year of NC that is not very long and he may just be settling for what he knows he can get because nothing else has worked out for him.