cmp456 Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Apologies but this is going to be a long one, so if you've bothered to read it thanks, and an even bigger thanks if you've bothered to reply!! I've decided to just write everything down, and if anyone has had a similar experience, then god-help you too! Some time ago I met this guy, exchanged numbers and we starting talking frequently. We met up during the christmas (I personally wouldn't call it a date) which was nerve-wrecking as I'd never done that before everything went well and we did end up doing stuff. I wasn't bothered about a relationship, and it was the first time I'd had ANY physical contact (that includes hand-holding) with a person of the opposite sex since my last relationship 5 years prior - what can I say.. I'm a angel. I guess I also judged a book by it's cover and assumed this guy was a 'player' type and I'd never want to get involved with someone like that, so to me a brief roll-around in the sack wasn't a big deal. The problem starts after christmas when we go back to uni. He suggested meeting up for a drink but instead we slept together. This became a routine thing 2/3 times a week and I started to worry we'd fallen into a fwb situation. I'm not the type of person to sleep around, not that I have a problem with people who do (I wish I could be care-free sometimes), I hate it when I'm out with friends and boys 'try it on'. It makes me squirm and I'm not confident about it and I wish they wouldn't do it. But I was enjoying it however it was never talked about what we were and he seemed keen to want to be with me. When very drunk he even told me he loved me, but this was very early on and I ignored it and put it down to him being completely ****-faced and not knowing where he was never mind if he was in love with me. But honestly, I think at that moment when he said it I started to fall for him very badly. He was so vulnerable and I really think that's what is was. But I tried to play it cool and not act needy or clingy when inside I had all this emotion. Whether this was a good or bad thing I don't know. My mum even said at this point (when I was invited to a family event) that she thought he liked he more than he was letting on (which I ignored because why would he even like me like that?) The rational side knew that we weren't together and we were free to be with other people as well as other people, however the emotional side wanted to be the only one with him. I'm quite a loyal person, and even though he wasn't my boyfriend and I was free to do whatever I wanted, if I was chatted up I was loyal to him in my head because he was all I wanted. Albeit he is attractive, not the most attractive guy in the world, but to me he was. There's little quirks about him if you look really closely and I think it's those things that really made me fall for him. However, with this loyalty I also discovered that I'm quite the jealous psychopath. I have low self confidence and I don't find myself attractive so I was always paranoid that this lovely and quite attractive lad who could probably have loads of girls was interested in a munter like me, and I think that this issue I have with myself was part of my downfall. He even said that no one wants to be with someone who pulls themselves down all the time. So I decided to try to end it and stop talking to him. He stated we weren't fwb he thought of me more than that and would practically beg me not to end it. Which I didn't because I liked him so much and I knew I would get hurt but I didn't care because thought he was worth it, I really did. Even though we weren't fwb apparently this type of behaviour was getting to me and it was starting arguments because he'd say one thing and then completely contradict himself the next and I was getting major whiplash. He can't have his cake and eat it to, he wanted the benefits of a girlfriend but without the commitment. I mean, maybe it's because I've never been through this as a teen (a pivotal time relationship-wise) but I don't understand these guessing games people seem to play, you either like someone or you don't simple as. I mean I didn't want to marry the poor guy but it would have been nice to see if it could have gone anywhere. Then the arguments/paranoia stopped and we agreed to get back on track and stop being dicks. Then he did something that really hurt me. He got angry at me for being upset because as we weren't together and he could do what he wanted, it wasn't like he was cheating on me. But you've got to understand that yes, we weren't together but when it's 3 months of just us two being together and no one else, a relationship is irrelevant, I still felt cheated on. He even said he wouldn't have liked it if it was the other way around. After all the progress and the fresh start we'd agreed on. Maybe I'm a stupid naive girl with a 20th Century outlook who's stuck in the 21st century… I don't know. I think he then realised how upset I was because he wanted to see me to apologise, which I refused. Then I stupidly agreed to meet up! In hindsight, I wish I never and had just never spoken to him ever again!!!! He said he'd have to build my trust again and he wanted to be committed but just not a relationship. I'm a fool I know!! There's so much more to add to this but I can't be bothered, this is too long already! But a week later we got into an argument via text and he ended it telling me to leave him alone. The 'break up' (inverted commas as it wasn't a relationship) has now been longer than the time we were 'together', so why is this still hurting me so much. Is it an ego thing? Because he ended it and I didn't? Or is it because he does want a girlfriend, it's just not ME he wants it with? That can really bruise the ego of someone who has low self-esteem. But does that mean I don't really love him if it's an ego thing? When he ended it I'll admit I became a bit like a physco ex, demanding what was wrong/what had I done/how could I change/was it someone else etc, and if anything, that's the thing I'm most ashamed of myself for because I was asking for answers to questions he couldn't give me or didn't WANT to give me. I wish I'd said nothing, accepted it and not replied (so so ashamed). But you must understand how confusing it is to him saying he wants to build my trust back up and be committed (but not a relationship) to a week later telling me to f-off and he was sick of me… major whiplash. We briefly text for a couple of days with no signs of a change of heart so I kind of accepted it and asked him that even though we'll probably forget each other in a few years, to please never think of me as that "bit I shagged for a bit" to which he said he wouldn't as I meant more to him than that (but let's be honest in the millisecond I get thought of, I probably will be thought of as that haha!) Anyway contact stopped for a while (about a month) then I couldn't helped it, I contacted as it was the only way to ease my mind and said that he's still all I think about (MISTAKE) but I can't be his friend, which was ignored. Then I got numerous missed calls and texts asking if he could stay to which I replied saying it probably wasn't for the best, he said ok. (That by the way was the first time I'd ever said no to his early morning requests, a proud moment for me!) It kind of made me angry though because I told him I can't be his friend with a reason why (feelings) and he saw that as a green light to know that I could potentially be a booty call when no other options are around. I was livid. He then apologised in the morning and I didn't reply. Then 2 weeks later I get a random text asking how I am and hope I have a good summer. The reaction my body had proved I wasn't as over him as I made myself believe. My heart was literally in my mouth and it was beating so fast. He's still and first and last thing I think of, with sprinkles of him added throughout the day, all day everyday and I'm so sick and tired of it now because I know he's not thinking of me at all and even if he is it's probably only for a second or in a sexual way (probably). Even with a new guy I've been talking to for a while who I seem to have more in common with and the same sense of humour, I am still thinking about him. But is this because I've not been physical with the new guy? I'm so pathetic. Sometimes I still cry just so I can cry. Or I'll make up scenarios in my head, pretend he's in front of me and I'd just tell him everything. He wanted to be friends, which is just a kind way of saying 'please leave me alone. I text to say as much as I want to be his friend (I would love nothing more) I can't because of my feelings towards him which he does not reciprocate. I also had to delete him from any sort of media, which I know can be viewed as immature, but I see it as a sort off 'out of sight out of mind' thing. Also I'm quite a resilient person so I've not been tempted to search him - he was the one who added be tbh, I would have preferred not being friends as social media just causes paranoia. Deep down I think he wanted to be in contact just so he has a back up plan to keep him warm in the winter months back at uni, or when the graft of pulling new girls is too hard. I then decided to finally stop because I realised that as much as I don't like the thought (ego thing again), me to keep contact is not fair on which ever girl he has now. I'm not thinking about him, but her, because I've been in that position where I've been paranoid and I wouldn't want her or anyone for that matter to feel like that. There's fine line between determination and desperation and i've begun to look pretty bloody desperate and I'm so ashamed of myself for turning into this! I then got drunk and text him saying "I still love you and I know you don't care" to which he replied the next day saying "What?" I wasn't going to reply but decided to apologise, blame the alcohol and tell him I'll leave him alone for good. To which I've deleted his # so have no chance of ever contacting him again and it's been a month since this. My first and last relationship was when I was 13-14 and it lasted 10 months, and I'm wondering if since this is this first proper physical 'relationship' I've had since then, is that the reason why I seem to be clinging onto this? If he ever said "look, I think we should properly try" by heart would LEAP and I'd want to so badly, but my rational side has to say no as I'll only be hurting myself in the long run. What's that saying: "fool me twice, shame on me" or something.. " I feeling like such a hypocrite because if it was a friend of mine in this situation I'd be telling them to forget about him. But I suppose it's a completely different story/feeling when it's you. I thought I was made of stronger stuff and I seemed to have such a tough attitude, but this encounter has really knocked me for six and I'm so disappointed in myself. Uni will start soon, and I'm almost scared to go back, which is really pathetic. I feel like I still won't be over it. I know a few people who if they see an ex/someone they used to sleep with, they like to flaunt in front of them to show them what they're missing. However, I'm the complete opposite, I want to run away and hide. I feel scared if I bump into him on a night out he'll think I'm watching him to see who he's chatting up/getting off with, which would honestly be the last thing I'd ever want to see as I'm obviously a possessive jealous cow! I wouldn't go into a rage as I have NO RIGHT to whatsoever but I reckon I'd be slightly upset. In the long run I'll be glad it's over, and don't feel bad for being honest about my feelings, I think it's better to express yourself than to keep it bottled up, but I feel more shame at telling him and I wish I never. The thought of him and his friends laughing at me makes me feel really sick and I want to just cry and cry. Sometimes I wish I'd never met him but at the same time I'm so glad I did because he was the one who made me feel something again after so long. I'm so sick of have my brain energy wasted on this, when it should be focused on me and better things, and I'll be so embarrassed of myself come a few months time, and I prefer that it had ended after 3 months rather than 3 years. My question/mini dissertation wasn't written for you to scold me on how 'relationships' like this don't work, trust me I know, and it's obvious I've been played, and I wouldn't go back to him, but instead I'm asking, should I regret the fact I told him I still love him/have strong feelings for him?
littleplanet Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 OP, Obviously you're looking for something better than what you shared with him. You feel what you feel - that can't be helped. But you know it's no good. Not if he doesn't care. So.....you don't sell yourself short. If you have been furious about how you've been treated, then go with that. Unfortunately, your best move is to probably just move on from this. There is no good reason why you shouldn't. Part of this is due to your inxeperience, but that is where the learning curve lies. We learn from mistakes we make. Understandably, you're disappointed in yourself. Your pride takes a beating. But you know in your heart the sensible thing, the best thing you can do for yourself, is to move on. When I was 18, I lost the love of my life (or so I thought at the time.) And this didn't just involve a girlfriend, it involved a fiancee. I was plenty old enough to understand the difference. I made my best attempt to get her back, keeping myself within my own boundaries of self-respect. I knew this is what she expected of me - even though it didn't work. Even though my heart was broken. For seven months - averaging once a month, I checked in. I did not pester, or plead, or beg. I just reminded her that I hadn't changed. Until the last time.....when I finally just let go and moved on. Looking back, I think that helped me enormously. That the dignity I preserved at that time.....served me well. I have never forgotten what that felt like. So you can hold your head up. You'll be fine. Even when you feel that you have no idea where that strength will come from......it's there. Just believe in yourself. Good luck!
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