phatt matt Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 (edited) I've just lost the best relationship in my life. It hurts like hell. I thought the world of this girl. I lavished her with so many over-the-top compliments which was one problem. I only wanted to make her feel good about herself cuz I thought so highly of her. yet she thought I was mocking her. yes I've made many mistakes, and when I realized I was losing her I sent her a flood of emails which of course was stupid. I wanted to talk to her more about it and she didn't wanna talk. I really wish I could just rewind the week. I feel she's gone and she wants me to just leave her be. I have had a dagger in my heart all day. I honestly just wanted to be her friend. to lose her hurts like hell to know that she misunderstood my motivess and thinks I was trying to disrespect her confuses me terribly. I thought she thought I was creepy, she said its not that, but that I make her very angry. I am incapacitated with the grief.. I cant stop thinking about her, all I could think about and dream about was her for the last half a year. she is gone, I f***** everything up with my poor judgement. I still don't fully understand where I went wrong. I want to cry and sleep all day. I want to drink myself to death. Im cut off from my Queen...incapacitated with grief. Lord please let me die! Edited July 9, 2014 by phatt matt
Targetlock Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 you poor chap some things aren't meant to be maybe? and yes it feels horrible and sadly there isn't much other advice i can give and i wish i could, time heals all wounds i guess. 5
Author phatt matt Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 I think she has been very hurt by men. I know she has. god I wish could help her. I wish ywe could talk about these things. She will not talk to me anymore, not even through email. I could register for a discussion forum that she's on, and talk to her with an alias name. but I think that will prevent the healing from really taking place. I've sort of been may be stalking her online , but it just hurts me now just to read the things she says or to see her beautiful face. it feels like a nightmare I would like to wake up from. if I knew God would answer my prayers or that he hears my prayers I could comfort myself by interceding for her. Cant believe its over. how can I ruin the last good thing in my life the seeming best thing in my life. just think I only wanted really to be a close friend. Obviously I dreamed of more than that but I would be very happy just to have a friendship which is priceless to me. I'll shut up though cause I sound like a big baby!
Author phatt matt Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 then there is this other part of me that feels like killing her for causing this pain but I don't listen to those stupid voices
MissBee Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 then there is this other part of me that feels like killing her for causing this pain but I don't listen to those stupid voices Perhaps you should talk to someone offline. 1
Author phatt matt Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 (edited) Im seeing professionals. I feel like I must be a piece of **** to make such a kind person so angry. this is got to be a wake-up call that she wasn't the person I thought she was and that I must let her go. There is no rewind button so I must stop analyzing and thinking what could have been done differently. Edited July 9, 2014 by phatt matt
todreaminblue Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 (edited) Im seeing professionals. I feel like I must be a piece of **** to make such a kind person so angry. this is got to be a wake-up call that she wasn't the person I thought she was and that I must let her go. There is no rewind button holding on to anger turns into a sort of a grudge doesn't it.....i know you are hurt...people hurt people....and it sounds like she has been hurt so the adage hurt people hurt people rings true...you cant hold it against her even though you are hurt..... i have been hurt in the past your story is a little close to home actually.....but.....i rarely stay angry....i just cant do it......how i get over it is i know that it is often not intentional hurt.....its not knowing that person you have hurt....that causes mis communication and hurtful things to be said....it also comes down to i can say hurtful things and know in my heart i never meant to hurt someone.....i did so because i was thinking with my head and not my heart and there is a distinct divide between a heart and head mentality..my heart is smarter by a huge margin..yeah i am a multiple so i often get lost in between transition.....i hold a real heart driven motivation to never hurt anyone....i have never been vengeful .....i try to understand the person dealing the hurt to me.....and i have insight to help.......straight from my heart i know what the issues are normally..... sometimes people are influenced or listen to others to hurt someoen not following their own heart but listening to the counsel of someone else.....they feel pressure or believe with the very best intentions that the advice or thoughts given them are true in the way to treat another..adn then it is again through people not knowing the person they are hurting at all..i dont follow counsel on how to treat others other than that which is in the bible and people or leaders who promote true principles..... and my own heart in the long run to guide me...........as far as hurt goes...goodbyes well...they break me every time i never fail when i seek to do the right thing by others even when they have done me wrong.........never...and i have had some massive hurts on my plate.....both physical and heart violations...broken promises and betrayal......i get over it..because i admit they hurt me...i accept that i gave them that right and when i didnt give them the right to hurt me.......i accept that too......because it doesnt say anything about me that people can hurt me that i can beaten i can have my heart broken you can knock me down ....but you will never stop me from getting back up until i am dead..... ...just shows more about them honestly if they keep knocking me down......eventually they tire of it.....even physically theres only so many times you can hit someone before your arm gets sore..thats when i get back up.......when they give up.....i am just beginning to stand......and when i come to understand why the way they are......i have peace..you cant blame another for the way you feel.......only you can change that.with strength of character with respect and with the will to get up and stand up regardless, you always know you will get back up.......deb Edited July 9, 2014 by todreaminblue 1
Targetlock Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 the only good thing i think about these bad times is that they make us stronger in the end and help us learn from our mistakes. 2
Author phatt matt Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 I just wish I could stop thinking about her. It's over. I was too clingy and persistent , and of course she does not need to carry a burden like me. I wish I wasn't such a baby. This is life , s*** like this happens and people have to go on and be faithful to their duties. have just become a basket case. there must be forms of meditation I can do to get my mind off of this. I just wish I could talk to her via email. I hope she's not hurt and I hope that she will recognize that I was not trying to offend her. I'm a very sarcastic guy and I know that is one of the problems.
Author phatt matt Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 I wants to send her an email that says please forget about me I only want you to be happy. I know you've been hurt in the past and you don't need a burden like me. but I'm not supposed to be sending her any emails. she wants to be left alone I'm so impulsive.
KaliLove Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 You're putting her on a pedestal right now because you're in pain from your break up. In a few weeks, when things are looking up for you, you'll start to see all of her flaws and realize that it wasn't all your fault. Nobody is perfect. I guarantee you she made plenty of mistakes too.
Author phatt matt Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 I'm sure she doesn't have the feelings for me that I have had for her but she did say I was awesome, would call me sweetie all the time, said I had a big heart, say that I've had a lot to offer the world, and she used to call me hottie and sexy but not recently. its just I maybe never had felt so close to someone. I rarely make friends hardly ever get close to people. she is a rare gem.but you're right maybe what I admired so much in her was who I thought she was not who she really was.
Author phatt matt Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 holding on to anger turns into a sort of a grudge doesn't it.....i know you are hurt...people hurt people....and it sounds like she has been hurt so the adage hurt people hurt people rings true...you cant hold it against her even though you are hurt..... i have been hurt in the past your story is a little close to home actually.....but.....i rarely stay angry....i just cant do it......how i get over it is i know that it is often not intentional hurt.....its not knowing that person you have hurt....that causes mis communication and hurtful things to be said....it also comes down to i can say hurtful things and know in my heart i never meant to hurt someone.....i did so because i was thinking with my head and not my heart and there is a distinct divide between a heart and head mentality..my heart is smarter by a huge margin..yeah i am a multiple so i often get lost in between transition.....i hold a real heart driven motivation to never hurt anyone....i have never been vengeful .....i try to understand the person dealing the hurt to me.....and i have insight to help.......straight from my heart i know what the issues are normally..... sometimes people are influenced or listen to others to hurt someoen not following their own heart but listening to the counsel of someone else.....they feel pressure or believe with the very best intentions that the advice or thoughts given them are true in the way to treat another..adn then it is again through people not knowing the person they are hurting at all..i dont follow counsel on how to treat others other than that which is in the bible and people or leaders who promote true principles..... and my own heart in the long run to guide me...........as far as hurt goes...goodbyes well...they break me every time i never fail when i seek to do the right thing by others even when they have done me wrong.........never...and i have had some massive hurts on my plate.....both physical and heart violations...broken promises and betrayal......i get over it..because i admit they hurt me...i accept that i gave them that right and when i didnt give them the right to hurt me.......i accept that too......because it doesnt say anything about me that people can hurt me that i can beaten i can have my heart broken you can knock me down ....but you will never stop me from getting back up until i am dead..... ...just shows more about them honestly if they keep knocking me down......eventually they tire of it.....even physically theres only so many times you can hit someone before your arm gets sore..thats when i get back up.......when they give up.....i am just beginning to stand......and when i come to understand why the way they are......i have peace..you cant blame another for the way you feel.......only you can change that.with strength of character with respect and with the will to get up and stand up regardless, you always know you will get back up.......deb thanks a lot Deb. I'm glad you got through it. maybe by going through these things I would be able to help someone else was going through it, and that will make this all worth it.
preraph Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 You definitely need to be in the hands of a psychiatric professional right now. I would say that your intensity and your admitted sort of stalking behavior made her feel you do not respect her boundaries. Obviously, if you really care about her, you must respect her wishes here, and that is for no contact. When things get really out of balance in any type of relationship, that relationship fails, and here we have you worshipping the ground she walks on and her feelings were never anywhere near that level, so that becomes very uncomfortable for not just you but also for her. Please be sure that whoever is supervising your care understands how out of control you feel right now. If they don't seem to be taking it seriously, go to the emergency room. Don't mess around now and get yourself in a truly irreversible predicament. 1
yessy21 Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Okay. Take a deep breath. Exhale. SHE HAS ISSUES. its not your fault.
Author phatt matt Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 I'm going to write a letter to her.course she's not going to get it. I'm going to have a funeral for her. I don't get close to people and I maybe never been so close to someone. it's best that I let her rest in peace, and go through the proper grieving process and letting go and saying goodbye to the most wonderful person I know. 1
preraph Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Not sure this makes you feel any better, but you said maybe she's not who you thought she was. Usually when we're completely obsessed in love with someone and think they hang the moon and all that, it usually is because we are projecting some qualities on them they don't have. We all have this "ideal woman" or "ideal man" in our head that we hope someone will live up to. This ideal is who we love. But so often once we get to know someone or find out it's not mutual, then we have to face facts that they're not that ideal in our head we superimposed over them. Nobody is. We will always love that ideal in our head, but it should be a little easier to walk away once you realize she wasn't that ideal. If she had been, the thing wouldn't have gone off into the ditch. The irony is that the less a person shows us of themselves, the easier it is to attribute these ideal qualities on them, like they are a blank slate. Then it breaks down as things go along. It sucks, but the sooner you know that, the sooner you know that the love is in you, not being on loan to you from her, because she's not it. So she can't really take what's inside you with her.
Author phatt matt Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 I just popped a lot of pills and laid down for awhile.
Author phatt matt Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 Thank you for the brilliant replies.what hurts me most is she already had trust issues and I made those issues much worse. but not intentionally. I reminded her of some other guys she dated and she thought I was very manipulative and playing her and she called me a misogynist. it hurts that someone I care about so much and yes who was on my mind all the time, now thinnks I was being dishonest and manipulative all this time. even my immature attempt at making her feel good about herself with over the top compliments, she thinks it was mockery and manipulation.* but anyway after reading my OP again I realize I sound like an immature child or some dude in high school relationships.
preraph Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 You've just had a little time now to take a step back and gain a little perspective. More will come in time. Just do good things for yourself every day while you're getting through this. Good luck.
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