DarkNoel Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 So, I recently went on a date with a girl that went pretty well in my eyes. We talked and had coffee for 3 hours or so. At the end of the date, we hugged, and promised to stay in touch. I sent the standard "I had a good time" text afterwards and she said she did too and we should hang out again. All great. When I tried to ask for a second date, she drops the "I don't want to waste anyone's time, but I didn't feel a whole lot of chemistry" line. She said she wanted to be just friends and would love to go out to dinner with me sometime. This is really confusing, because usually, most people just cut contact. But this girl is actually putting in pretty substantial effort in trying to be friends. Well, I thought: if she likes me enough to go out to dinner with me, why doesn't she give it a few dates before she makes a decision? So I responded to her in a presumptuous way wondering how she could have made a decision about me so soon, which undoubtedly irritated her, so we didn't talk for a couple of weeks. At this point, I thought I was done with this girl for good. But I felt guilty. I realized my mistake, texted her, and apologized to her a couple of weeks later, accepting her offer to be friends if it is still there. If not, I will move on. She responds very enthusiastically and is very appreciative of the fact that I apologized to her. She's really excited with getting to know me as a friend and wants to set up plans to meet again soon. I just don't know why she wanted to be just friends so quickly. Regardless, I've lowered my expectations for this girl. I'm trying to become outcome independent at this point. I'm seeing other girls, but I'm not sure what to do with this one. Am I crazy to still think this girl may still have some interest in me? Or is this just false hope that I've created?
morrowrd Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Honestly, if it were me I'd call it a waste of time. You aren't on a dating site looking for friends, you're looking for more. How is she going to fit in once you do find what your looking for? And, is a friendship with this girl something you really want? Is the "friendship chemistry" actually there" Sounds complicated at least to me. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 She likes you as a person. She is not sexually attracted to you. It's up to you whether you want more friends. 3
babycakees Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 You're wasting your time on this one. Tell her you have plenty of friends and that's not what you are looking for. 1
normal person Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I've made a friend or two this way. If I end up not being that into a girl but would still be friendly with her, I say this: "Hey, X! I had such a great time meeting you last night but I can tell we're both getting more of a 'friends' vibe, yeah? You're a cool girl and lot of fun, there's no reason we still can't hang out, y'know?" You pre-disqualify any feelings that she has towards you by assuming outright that she doesn't like you (this kind of saves things from getting complicated). Every girl will hold onto her pride and not say something like "well, actually I do like you, but fair enough" for no reason. You gain a platonic friend and her friends might be single. I don't see anything wrong with it. 1
Mike B. Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 I say keep the girl around. Imagine if you wanted to throw a party right now. Would it be a sausage fest? Are you able to call up a few female friends to attend to make the party more lively? If you always turn women down for friendship because they won't date you, who are you keeping as female friends? I would accept the friendship and open up a new world of new friends. Yes, your chance is almost zero with her sleeping with you in the future but it is below zero if you cut her off completely. In the meant time, go after other women and try to view her as a friend. 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 I don't think it's crazy to end up friends with someone you met OLD. I mean, not every date is going to be a home run but that doesn't mean you can't fall in like with someone and enjoy their company. I've friended a few men that I met online. We went out (usually more than once) and had a good time but in the end there just wasn't the right chemistry to warrant a relationship. Thankfully it didn't take anything away from my experience with them and the fact that they were great guys to hang out with. With regards to your situation, you should only pursue a friendship with this girl if you're willing and able to check any expectations of something more at the door. It won't work otherwise. I know this can be difficult especially if you felt something and wanted more and she didn't but that's just part of the dance we call dating. If you don't think you can do it then politely decline and carry on. Just remember that you could be missing out on the next best thing with this girl. Good luck. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 The next best thing? So, hanging out with a girl that you are interested in, and waiting around hopelessly for a chance at something more is the next best thing? No thanks. I like my dignity. Nothing like taking my comment out of context... I said that if he was ABLE to check his expectations at the door and NOT sit around pining for this girl hoping for more THEN it CAN be the next best thing. What exactly is wrong with that statement? I've done it and it WAS a great compromise. If he CAN'T do that, then he WON'T and life goes on. No one is telling him to chuck his dignity for heaven's sake.
bromantic Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Am I crazy to still think this girl may still have some interest in me? Or is this just false hope that I've created? No, not crazy. You like her; or you would not have reached out to apologize. Personally, I would look upon this friend thing as a challenge. I would take her out, listen, learn, observe, converse and construct a plan to move from friend to something more. Although, I would not spend more than three months on the project. Who knows, after three months you may come to the conclusion that she is better suited as a friend yourself.
Mike B. Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 In general, I think the internet has made guys too focused and obsessed over this Friendzone. This is not a personal shot at anyone but it has gotten way out of hand that young guys are screwing up what could be decent social lives out of fear that women will view them as friends rather penises to sit on. Ask yourselves, how many women can you call up right now that will be willing to talk to you longer than 10 minutes that is not a family member or coworker? If it is less than 5, dude, you need some female friends in your life. These women that won't lay you are not your enemy. Just because they won't screw you does not mean they are worthless to you. Open up your social life and accept these females into them. Just accept it like a man that they won't sleep with you and you will be well on your way to developing a subtle demeanor when you deal with women that can actually be attractive. Cutting them off is cutting of resources and friends. Someone who thinks he has enough friends is only hurting himself. 4
Sulayman Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 i would like turn this page and move on, don't rely your life on her,find yourself a new girl
littleplanet Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 In general, I think the internet has made guys too focused and obsessed over this Friendzone. This is not a personal shot at anyone but it has gotten way out of hand that young guys are screwing up what could be decent social lives out of fear that women will view them as friends rather penises to sit on. Ask yourselves, how many women can you call up right now that will be willing to talk to you longer than 10 minutes that is not a family member or coworker? If it is less than 5, dude, you need some female friends in your life. These women that won't lay you are not your enemy. Just because they won't screw you does not mean they are worthless to you. Open up your social life and accept these females into them. Just accept it like a man that they won't sleep with you and you will be well on your way to developing a subtle demeanor when you deal with women that can actually be attractive. Cutting them off is cutting of resources and friends. Someone who thinks he has enough friends is only hurting himself. Spoken like a man, Mike B. Couldn't agree more. Friendship is not some kind of toxic anti-matter. It can be the spice of life......and for sure, develop all kinds of good tools to use when the real thing does come along. (Worked for me, anyhow.) If all the women's company I've enjoyed in my life had to be nixed by all the ones I didn't want to sleep with, all the ones who didn't want to sleep with me.... I think I would have devolved into a Neanderthal. (poker, Nascar, cigars, beer belly, bar brawls, leftup toilet seats, fingernailed axel grease, pinups on the bathroom mirror, eternal life in a Rec room.....) I like my life better than that.
sabre80 Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 I am of the type that will keep a failed date a friend if the vibe is right. With OLD this even opened new avenues for more dates. Often I would hang out with a girl a few more times and she would set me up with another. I even had a date with a girl 8 years younger than me who at the end said I am just not feeling it. She messaged me a week later saying her older sister just got out of a bad divorce and could use a romp. This is not to be confused with staying friends with an ex.
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