torturedartist Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I’m 37 and have been single the last couple years. I’ve settled before in past relationships, and promised myself I’d only get involved with someone who blows my mind--to such a degree I have no choice in the matter. Now it seems I've met her. I’ll spare you a long, drawn-out description of her. I’ll just tell you that she’s extremely outgoing and confident, and has made it clear that she likes me. And I like her… so what’s the issue here? The issue is that I feel like such a loser because of where I’m at in life. A few years ago I could have told you that I was a moderately successful entrepreneur. But then I had what you might call an early midlife crisis, and decided to pursue my passion for music full-time and say to hell with everything else. Fast-forward to the present and I don’t mind saying that I’ve become a really talented musician. But it doesn’t mean anything in today’s world—it’s just bragging rights. I’m broke, owe the IRS a fair amount of money, and am staying at my parents’ house. I’ve been a mess the last couple of months, contemplating the meaning of life and wondering if I should stick around. I’m not sure how much of my situation she knows about. She works with an old friend of mine, and has probably asked him a lot of questions. She’s seen the POS car I drive, and can evidently deal with that. I try to remind myself that in spite of my extreme lack of success, I have some qualities women might find attractive. I’m only 5’10 and have my share of insecurities about my body, but I do have really good physique and all-around not so horrible looks. I get a fair number of looks from women. I just figure that most women who are looking for anything more than a fling would lose interest in me once they heard the rest of the story. I’m deeper and more spiritual (though not religious) than most guys I know. I’m pretty decent with words and can carry on meaningful conversations concerning a huge variety of topics. But does that really mean anything, when I’m not contributing towards a retirement fund so we can wear Depends and drive a big RV around during our “golden” years? I have a sound system that I run for hire on occasion. I set it up last Friday at a little bar, and she showed up. She hung on me every chance she got. I didn’t push her away. Then we sat next to each other, exchanging smiles and looking all googly-eyed at each other. She started glancing at her watch at around 12:30 or so, and then told me she had to go. I suppose I looked a little disappointed when I told her goodbye, but that’s all I said. It’s been eating me since then, largely because I don’t know when I’ll get to see her again. And she seems so damned incredible to me that I don’t really even feel worthy of her. So what would I do if I do see her again? I know women like confident men who can sweep them off their feet. But no woman will be getting that from me, not at least until I can claim some kind of success in life. Let me end this drivel by asking a hypothetical question. If you’re a single woman who doesn’t think 37 is too old, and you meet a 37 year-old guy who’s hypothetically: --exceptionally well-built, as the result of genetics and hard work at the gym (not a roided-out bodybuilder type; just someone who’s really fit) --highly artistic, implying a mixture of brilliance and melancholia/insanity --intelligent, well-read, articulate, and spiritual --kind, trustworthy, loyal, and not an a**hole --really beaten down by life, completely lacking in confidence, and not what you could call a “good provider”. Would you consider him potential for an LTR? Again, it’s all purely hypothetical. Any person can get on here and tell you they’re this or that, and there’s no way to confirm or deny that. I’m not trying to tell you that I’m any of those things. I really just want to know what percentage of women can look beyond a man’s ability to provide and fulfill traditional male roles, when considering him for an LTR. And, if you feel like offering some advice as to what I should in my situation, I’d appreciate that. But I really do hope at the least you’ll answer the hypothetical question. Thanks for your time!
d0nnivain Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I'm not very artistic. While I can respect somebody with that kind of passion, I'm not about to "hitch my wagon to it" so to speak. I need waaaayyyyy more financial stability then that. I worked hard for the successes I achieved. There will be women out there like me. There will be others who think your vision is beyond awesome. My SIL is married to a musician. She's in heaven but the practical side of her did make him get a job as bartender & she pushes him to give music lessons. Since you are now all about your music which is great, can you channel some of that passion into a more practical reality, like teaching music? Another friend got a "job" as the music director for his Church. It at least pays the rent, but not much more. You need to find a woman who believes in your dream as much as you do & don't worry about the naysayers like me.
Ok Good Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I know women like confident men who can sweep them off their feet. But no woman will be getting that from me, not at least until I can claim some kind of success in life. Your "success in life" my friend comes from deciding that you are happy with your accomplishments. You did a great thing for yourself by pursuing your passion it might not pan out in monetary ways but at least you don't feel trapped in some fulfilling job! alot of women will date guys with the criteria you listed!! in fact, there are alot of financially well-off females that are very lonely but they won't be interested in you if you think you are a loser.. Im dating a very broke guy right now he is super in so many ways but I have to pay for everything its super frustrating to me but I am very happy with him as a person we've been together almost 7 months with no sign of it ending RESET your attitude I'm learning money really isn't everything..
Elle1975 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 How would you feel about getting back in your old field, and play music on the week end/evenings? To answer your question, I wouldn't date someone who doesn't have any financial stability in mind, but I would date someone who is working toward that goal, as I am. Not everybody is successful at 25, and setbacks do happen. For me it's what you do about it that matters.
BlueIris Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I’m 15 years older than you so a man’s income or financial assets are not as important to me now as they were when I was younger. My kids have been raised and I can support myself, and a partner so long as he doesn’t want the high life. However, when I was 27-37 my partner’s and my income and financial stability were very important because I was in building mode, family-raising-run-a-household mode. Also, I’ve always believed that ideally both partners should be able to support a family on their own (maybe not extravagantly) in case something goes wrong, like a job loss, economic downturn, disability, or even a death. But really examine whether you could handle being the lower earner. Can you be the cheerleader and supporter for your partner. Would you pick up the slack at home? Would you support her emotionally and listen to her talk about work? Would you be thrilled by her successes- or would you be jealous? Would you being willing and able to raise kids? More men can do that and actually do it, than ever before. But a lot of men can’t and don’t do it. They have a hard time finding a role they're comfortable with after being raised to believe that they must be the primary earner. I’ve dated men who earned less than I did and the most sincere 9and confident, imo) told me it upset them sometimes, but they were supportive and positive and picked up slack by doing laundry and cooking a lot of the time. (They were great, btw.) Some said they were supportive but really weren’t, in that they resented my working and complained, got jealous of successes, had emotional crises or demands when work required my attention. Two actively undermined my career- by marginalizing my abilities and accomplishments, and even talking me down to professional colleagues. (I left them as soon as I knew.) Frankly, it’s gender neutral- most people want a partner who is sincerely supportive and has their back. Anyway, the times they are a changing and both women and men are in the midst of that change. So I think it’s very important to examine yourself and see if you could be supportive. Can you be a “cheerleader”? Talking openly is key. Your question indicates that you have your own discomfort with the role and career you’ve chosen. Do you regret it? 2
Versacehottie Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Yeah as someone said. My level of attraction for a LTR would probably be based on a couple of things to simplify it: *your attitude about where you are in life (how happy, how realistic, etc) *what is your game plan for the future (short term and long term)
Els Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 It wouldn't be my preference. However, I do know a few women who would be fine with it. The thing is, though, if you are going to be swapping traditional roles with her being the main breadwinner, you need to be fine with actually taking the traditional woman's role. That doesn't only mean doing the bulk of the household chores, but also prioritizing your partner's career as it will be what supports you both. Moving where they need to move, supporting them emotionally and domestically, cheering on their career success without being jealous. Doing most of the childcare if you have children, taking older children to school and back and to playdates, being the one to wake up at night to feed the babies. If you are willing to do all of the above, it's certainly possible that you could meet a compatible woman for a LTR. 1
justhadto Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Absolutely not. My aunt and one of my good friends are going through this now. My aunt was married and my good friend is seperated. She is very young to be going through this by the way. Both of their ex and soon to be exes were not supportive one bit. Jealous,insecure...all of it. Women have no incentive to support a male. You describe your qualities...so what your physique is okay ect ect. Some say that they can be supportive,but when the time comes around yikes! Now,not all men are the same,so there is that. If kids are going to be in the picture,what then. When my aunt was pregnant,she did all of the work. Her husband turned imto a wimp. I could not picture being 8 months pregnant,paying the bills and trying to tame an ego that was heavily bruised. I don't expect a man to take care of me,so the idea of me being the bresdwinner is a big no no. Your qualities are: *No confidence(huge deal breaker) *A 37 year old physique * not a jack @ss *literate * well-rounded * "spiritial" That is my boyfriend. He makes $60,000 and I am not too far behind him. We are the same age and not too long out of university. How can you expect a relationship from a woman and you have no confidence? Get back tobreality because the job market is bad. Find a job and pit down the microphone. Man orveoman dream chasing and expecting someone to support you is selfish. You even state that no woman should expect you to be be "swept off her feet" or see any confidence from you until you are successful. You don't need to be a breadwinner or make $60,000. If my bf,made half I would be.with him as long as he put in the work. When successful men are looking,their not going to settle. How old is she?
Thegreatestthing Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 I'm a tortured artist type and I honestly don't give the slightest concern about how much success a guy has had /has in terms of money,business blabla it's actually a huge turn off for me and I think of the guy as very conventional and dull. youre probably not looking for women similar to yourself because most artists are unconventional and are happy to live like peasants and whatnot,and not as concerned with that stuff.
PegNosePete Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Let me end this drivel by asking a hypothetical question. If you’re a single woman who doesn’t think 37 is too old, and you meet a 37 year-old guy who’s hypothetically: --exceptionally well-built, as the result of genetics and hard work at the gym (not a roided-out bodybuilder type; just someone who’s really fit) --highly artistic, implying a mixture of brilliance and melancholia/insanity --intelligent, well-read, articulate, and spiritual --kind, trustworthy, loyal, and not an a**hole --really beaten down by life, completely lacking in confidence, and not what you could call a “good provider”. Would you consider him potential for an LTR? Dude, I didn't read all of what you call the drivel at the top. Well I started to but fell asleep. You're looking at this ALL WRONG. Women do not date based on a resume. They meet you and decide if they like you or not based very much on their feelings towards you. This is one area where men and women are (generally) different. They do not get a checklist of things and decide in a rational way whether you're suitable or not. Of course if they find out that you're not trustworthy or immature or any number of other red flags, that may be the end for you. But that's not their primary method of choosing a partner. They go on feelings a lot more than we do. So... screw the low confidence. Be confident. You can't just download this like in the Matrix, you have to get out there and PRACTICE.
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