Lost and alone, in NC, his sister send me a FB request.... [Important update made!]

[Simon Phoenix]

I need something to hang on to then, if I am to rely on time alone. Because I feel like I am not going to make it. I need something, anything to make myself feel better.

 

I do really think that getting something off your chest makes you feel better. I seriously don't see why not right now.

 

I would not be "fishing" for anything. I just plain and simple want to knock him off his high horse.

 

You won't knock him off his high horse. He'll just dismiss you as crazy and laugh it off. You'd be much more effective saying nothing and letting him stew in his own behavior. The more you emote and act unhinged, the more you'd justify his behavior in his mind. He's not going to take any emotive, angry steps you take seriously.

 

And as far as something to hang on to, hang out with friends, make new friends, start a new hobby or project, restart an old project, work out, take a trip, there are a million things you can do that are better than yelling at your ex like a psychopath (because that's how you'll come off).

[Zahara]

That may be... at this point and the anger I am feeling, I would do almost anything to feel differently. Anything different AT ALL!!! It's like who cares if he has the upper hand, who cares what he thinks? This is about me, not him. I want to feel better. I want to scream to make myself feel better. It is the only way I know to deal and cope and let it out and get these life-sucking feelings out of me. I am hanging on because pretty much everyone on earth says I should. But nobody has to carry how I feel, nobody has to be in my skin, live my days. I want to keep going, I just feel like exploding!

 

Who cares if he has the upper hand? You do. You just said you don't want him to think you care about him.

 

Write it all down. Every word you need to scream, put it down on paper. Purge it that way. Scream in a pillow. Go out into an open space and cuss at the world. Write it all down in an email and send it to your best friend.

 

And you won't feel differently after you lash at him. Once those feelings subside, you'll start to feel like crap because you now realize that he KNOWS you still feel for him and that you still care for him -- which is what you are not wanting to do based on what you have said.

[Trapito]

Ouch! I feel your pain..

 

Unload here, scream here, downgrade him here, hate him here. Just do it here..

 

You want to hurt the asshat back? Then.. Never talk to him again, NEVER! It will be a HUUUUGE blow to his ego, and this asshat sounds like an egomaniac. NC is like the silent type of 'hitting him in the balls (ego)', but it will hit him harder.

 

I know you are fueled with rage at this moment (I would be), but just think for one second.. Do you want him to gloat, or do you want to make him suffer. If it is the lattest, then your best shot is NC all the way.

 

Take care love!

[perduetseul]

I am doing awful today...

 

Last few days actually...

 

I just, I just want to sleep... go to bed, cover up, never come out again.

 

I don't know how to describe this. Like falling? Nothing makes sense. Can't focus, can't concentrate, can't work, can't carry a conversation. Like I want to listen what is said to me, and suddenly I am deaf, and I want to answer but my mouth doesn't work and I only mumble a couple of words.

 

Like, feels like dying... except, I only say dying because that's the worst feeling my mind can come up with... cause it's not the worse, not really... if I was actually dying, I think I would feel peaceful and somewhat content.

 

And when I am praying at night, before bed, I am just repeating can I just die please, can you just take me? Like a mantra. Like I could ask and be given.

 

I am, I don't know... I am not. That's it. I am not. My soul is missing.

 

My mind says this is so irrational. Doesn't make sense. But I can't make it go away. I miss him. I need him. If he came back I would forgive him. I want him and I... I just want to die. The minutes without touching him are making me lose my mind...

[Zahara]

This is normal. You're grieving. You're going to have days when you just want to die and then there are days when you feel it's all going to be okay.

 

You just have to let it pass. We've all been through it.

 

Cry, stay in bed, journal, have a supportive friend to talk to, take a hot bath, get yourself your favorite take-out, wear your comfy cozy jammies, put on a funny movie and pamper yourself. When you feel this way, the best thing to do is be gentle with yourself.

[perduetseul]

This is normal. You're grieving. You're going to have days when you just want to die and then there are days when you feel it's all going to be okay.

 

You just have to let it pass. We've all been through it.

 

Cry, stay in bed, journal, have a supportive friend to talk to, take a hot bath, get yourself your favorite take-out, wear your comfy cozy jammies, put on a funny movie and pamper yourself. When you feel this way, the best thing to do is be gentle with yourself.

I get it... I have just forgotten why I am not supposed to be with him. So much pain, it doesn't make any sense!

[Zahara]

I get it... I have just forgotten why I am not supposed to be with him. So much pain, it doesn't make any sense!

 

Nothing like journaling those things down to refresh your memory.

[perduetseul]

I should have known, but I really didn't. This time it was real for me, and all the pain I have gone through this year has had an impact. He wrote a brave message, asking if I would give him the opportunity to talk. I answered, and said maybe but it was unexpected so let me think about it, and I thought about it for a whole week. The we talked, on the phone... Yep he wants me back, he regrets what happened. When asked why it happened he gave me a reason that makes sense to me, given our history and what we have lived through together.

 

That's kind of all I want to say right know. Well except this time I didn't beg, and I didn't chew on breadcrumbs. He is the one who manned-up...

 

It's been days and days and I can't make up my mind... I feel kind of like anger, jealousy, harsh feelings. I am mad. I also promised myself I wouldn't go back to him. But I am also considering it, because I still dream with him every day, I still have feelings for him, I still cry over him.

 

Anyway... Thoughts?

 

 

 

EDIT TO ADD: before anyone asks "why didn't you block him?" I did block him! But when a man wants to find a woman, really contact her, no amount of blocking is enough. He finally found me.

Edited November 10, 2014 by perduetseul
Add info.

[Zahara]

I finally understood he doesn't love me. We were together for 10 years, on again and off again, over and over again.

 

You both were on and off for 10 years, and somehow his reasoning, more like excuse this time makes complete sense as to why for 10 years he has never wanted to be with you?

 

He didn't man up. He just chased you since your were not grovelling anymore. It's the push pull dynamic.

[lemonsugar]

Read back over this thread do you want to go back through this again. If so go back to him. If not keep no contact

[perduetseul]

You both were on and off for 10 years, and somehow his reasoning, more like excuse this time makes complete sense as to why for 10 years he has never wanted to be with you?

 

He didn't man up. He just chased you since your were not grovelling anymore. It's the push pull dynamic.

Well... yes it does. But thank you for putting me in my place.

[perduetseul]

Read back over this thread do you want to go back through this again. If so go back to him. If not keep no contact

I did read it first. It's just not that simple.

[Zahara]

Well... yes it does. But thank you for putting me in my place.

 

So, going back through this thread, in one post you stated that he made it perfectly clear that he was not in love with you, after 10 years of being together on and off. I can't imagine any excuse that could counter that.

 

If his story makes perfect sense to you, then it's your choice. But chances are, past behavior is indicative of future behavior and if in 10 years he could never fully commit to you, I'm not sure what's changed in his life, more so in his head for him to now do a 180.

 

Experience has taught me that relationships never work with men that go on and off the radar. It's just a lather, rinse, repeat cycle.

[perduetseul]

So, going back through this thread, in one post you stated that he made it perfectly clear that he was not in love with you, after 10 years of being together on and off. I can't imagine any excuse that could counter that.

 

If his story makes perfect sense to you, then it's your choice. But chances are, past behavior is indicative of future behavior and if in 10 years he could never fully commit to you, I'm not sure what's changed in his life, more so in his head for him to now do a 180.

 

Experience has taught me that relationships never work with men that go on and off the radar. It's just a lather, rinse, repeat cycle.

So... no? Just no? I am not over him...

[Zahara]

So... no? Just no? I am not over him...

 

I am not over him isn't a reason to go back. I am not over him means you keep pushing forward.

 

If you want to spend 11 years of your life and counting on this man, it's your life to do whatever it is you want to.

 

If 10 years of pain hasn't taught you a lesson, I am not sure what will.

 

You said you are in your 30s so that would mean you've spent your 20s on this man with zero return. Just don't look back in your 40s and wonder where it all went.

[perduetseul]

I am not over him isn't a reason to go back. I am not over him means you keep pushing forward.

 

If you want to spend 11 years of your life and counting on this man, it's your life to do whatever it is you want to.

 

If 10 years of pain hasn't taught you a lesson, I am not sure what will.

 

You said you are in your 30s so that would mean you've spent your 20s on this man with zero return. Just don't look back in your 40s and wonder where it all went.

Ok thank you, you made your point. Thank you for your thoughts.

[johnson_j]

So let's get this straight - you've been on and off again with this guy from 10 years, he won't commit.

 

 

Finally you walk away (maybe mutually), he says he's not "alone at home".

 

 

You've improved your life quite a bit and finally stopped being his doormat, and he suddenly calls and says he wants you back, and you're seriously considering it? WHY? What is different this time?

[perduetseul]

So let's get this straight - you've been on and off again with this guy from 10 years, he won't commit.

 

 

Finally you walk away (maybe mutually), he says he's not "alone at home".

 

 

You've improved your life quite a bit and finally stopped being his doormat, and he suddenly calls and says he wants you back, and you're seriously considering it? WHY? What is different this time?

Why does everybody think "he won't commit"? He has been asking me to marry him since year one, I am the one that wanted to wait (for other, family-related, issues). Actually, some of the break-ups were ultimatums from him: marry me or I will go.

 

I don't know what's different, probably nothing. I am not considering going back to a different relationship, but the same one with the same person. I know who he is.

 

Actually, you know what's different? I thought he didn't love me, hurt like hell, now he says he does.

[perduetseul]

I never ever ever said he wouldn't commit, wouldn't marry, didn't want children, etc. It is a double standard to believe that because I am a woman and he left me, that I wanted marriage and he didn't. We were the most non-typical relationship ever.

[Zahara]

It's odd that in all the pages of your threads - you always noted he never loved you, kept breaking up with you and you always being the one to beg for him back -- along with the other 3 relationships you've been in. You never mentioned that he wanted to marry you and that you turned him down several times.

 

Now, the story is different as in you were rejecting him for things that he wanted from the relationship which you never could give him.

[BC1980]

I guess the biggest thing I would wonder is WHY it's going to be different this time. 10 years is an awfully long time to be off and on with someone. What exactly do you want from this relationship long term, and is it what he wants? Dating someone for 10 years? Come one, that is ridiculous.

[BC1980]

It's odd that in all the pages of your threads - you always noted he never loved you, kept breaking up with you and you always being the one to beg for him back -- along with the other 3 relationships you've been in. You never mentioned that he wanted to marry you and that you turned him down several times.

 

Now, the story is different as in you were rejecting him for things that he wanted from the relationship which you never could give him.

 

I noticed the story is different now as well. Maybe she is seeing it through rose colored glasses now that he wants her back.

[perduetseul]

I appreciate your opinions. You all only know about my breakup, not about my relationship. One of my friends pointed out that she had never seen me angry before, and that she had thought I have had to get angry in order to deal with the pain. A lot was said and written in anger.

 

I haven't made a decision yet. I am not falling into his arms as well as I am not shutting the door in his face.

 

So...

- The "never loved me part" I felt it, completely, felt unloved.

- He broke up with me and I begged over and over... for the first time in these 10 years I am living what it is to have him want me back. It feels good.

- I don't think I or my ex-relationship is ridiculous. Nor will I believe it just because someone says so.

- I don't know if it's going to be different IF and only IF I decide to go back, probably not.

- Rose colored glasses are wonderful, they make the pain go away.

 

I guess I wanted to talk about it... both sides. It is my life and my future and I will consider both options 100%. But I get it, this is the breakup board, so we shouldn't discuss our good news openly, just our misery right?

[Zahara]

- The "never loved me part" I felt it, completely, felt unloved.

You stayed with a man that made you feel this way for 10 years. It says much about your self-esteem and your sense of value.

 

- He broke up with me and I begged over and over... for the first time in these 10 years I am living what it is to have him want me back. It feels good.

It's taken him 10 years to "realize" your value. It shouldn't make you feel good.

 

- I don't think I or my ex-relationship is ridiculous. Nor will I believe it just because someone says so.

Then don't ask for an opinion. If you are strong in your convictions, you don't need a forum.

 

- I don't know if it's going to be different IF and only IF I decide to go back, probably not.

We either learn the hard way or the smart way.

 

- Rose colored glasses are wonderful, they make the pain go away.

Unfortunately, masking the pain doesn't make it go away.

 

You wanted advice, you got it. No one is going to tell you it's a good situation to be in. Get defensive because you're not hearing what you want to hear. As you said, rose colored glasses take the pain away, so wear them if you want. We don't see what you want to see.

 

You deem it good news -- we don't. We don't want to see you in misery and that is why the advice is presented the way it is.

 

I'm sorry, no one is going to support you going back to a man that was in and out of your life for 10 years, and one that made you feel unloved, regardless of what the "actual" story is. If you want to go back to him, then the decision is yours. If things work, then come back and throw it back at us. If not, I'm sure the people on here will try to help you work through it.

Edited November 14, 2014 by Zahara

[perduetseul]

Ok I won't bother anymore, you are only reading what you want to read, and I don't have to defend myself to anyone. Thank you sincerely anyway.