Lost and alone, in NC, his sister send me a FB request.... [Important update made!]

July 15, 2014

OP, it took me almost a year to get my stuff back. My ex broke up with me nearly a year ago and I couldn't get my stuff back. I think, looking back, part of me was glad she had these things because that meant there was still some kind of rom-com chance we would get back together. After requesting my stuff on several occasions, with no response other than, 'I wear your sweatshirts and sweatpants everyday', I cut all ties and ended up moving halfway around the world. I succumbed and sent her a message early spring requesting my things back and she finally responded she had been trying to for so long but couldn't, not because my clothes were comfy, but because it was the last things that she had of mine and couldn't let go. After I came back home for vacation, she stopped by and dropped off everything. Her feelings resurfaced and it turned to be a terrible mess. In hindsight, I should have just let it all be. These items did mean a lot to me as they represented some of the best times of my life, custom garments (with my name on them) from when I was a D1 athlete in college; things I could never earn again. I learned that regardless of how important these things were to me, they were just things and the representation they had in my life would never overshadow the pain I felt receiving them back...It opened a can of worms that I wasn't emotionally ready to deal with. When she came over to drop them off, she ended up wearing them and taking them with her again - don't let this get any messier than it has to be.

I will never get back together with this man, this was the final straw... there is no rom-com fantasy anymore. This is why it's so important to me to get my stuff back. Cut the tie. I don't think he wants anything other than to be aggressive and bother me with it. He broke it off and made it very clear he doesn't love me anymore and he is going to be dating other people. He is holding on to my stuff out of spite and I want nothing more that to break this final tie. I don't see him having any rom-com fantasy with my stuff either, or he wouldn't have made such a big deal out of giving it back... he left me so many messages! Email (to 5 different accounts), voicemail, iMessage, whatsapp, whatsapp group specifically named "stuff" to my 2 phones, and text (this was previous to the email my friend sent).

Thank goodness I am not in therapy anymore. My (insert insult here) therapist would have insisted a relationship like ours could not just end like this, that we had to talk it out.

I agree I don't want this any messier than it has to be, so I don't want to see him. I refuse to talk to him. And the sooner this gets done the better.

I want to cut this forever and for good.

Any ideas?

July 15, 2014

You said you could say sayonara to your stuff but it's a binding tie to him? No, it's just stuff. If you are determined to cut the tie, then "stuff" is irrelevant.

"he left me so many messages! Email (to 5 different accounts), voicemail, iMessage, whatsapp, whatsapp group specifically named "stuff" to my 2 phones, and text (this was previous to the email my friend sent)."

You want to cut the tie, block him from all forms of communication as you mentioned above. Why haven't you done that? He still seems accessible to you.

If you really want him out of your life, you'll start there.

Edited July 15, 2014 by Zahara

July 15, 2014

You said you could say sayonara to your stuff but it's a binding tie to him? No, it's just stuff. If you are determined to cut the tie, then "stuff" is irrelevant.

"he left me so many messages! Email (to 5 different accounts), voicemail, iMessage, whatsapp, whatsapp group specifically named "stuff" to my 2 phones, and text (this was previous to the email my friend sent)."

You want to cut the tie, block him from all forms of communication as you mentioned above. Why haven't you done that?

If you really want him out of your life, you'll start there.

Yes, that was a week ago, he has been blocked since.

The stuff is not relevant, he could throw it away as far as I care. But I want it thrown, I want no more excuses, nothing mine with him. This feels unresolved, and I really really really want it resolved.

July 15, 2014

You said you could say sayonara to your stuff but it's a binding tie to him? No, it's just stuff. If you are determined to cut the tie, then "stuff" is irrelevant.

"he left me so many messages! Email (to 5 different accounts), voicemail, iMessage, whatsapp, whatsapp group specifically named "stuff" to my 2 phones, and text (this was previous to the email my friend sent)."

You want to cut the tie, block him from all forms of communication as you mentioned above. Why haven't you done that? He still seems accessible to you.

If you really want him out of your life, you'll start there.

Yes I was just explaining why I don't believe he is hanging on to my stuff out of some fantasy... He is using it like some form of aggression. But HE is the one that was so desperate to return it, and now he won't? He is hanging on to it now? I want it back. I want him out forever and I don't trust myself so I need every tie cut for good.

July 15, 2014

Yes I was just explaining why I don't believe he is hanging on to my stuff out of some fantasy... He is using it like some form of aggression. But HE is the one that was so desperate to return it, and now he won't? He is hanging on to it now? I want it back. I want him out forever and I don't trust myself so I need every tie cut for good.

Who cares? You've spent 10 years on this man. Enough.

It's stuff. You're using it as an excuse to keep fueling this. It doesn't matter whether he's using it as a form of aggression, or he's using it to keep ties with you, etc.

You said you don't have to have it. Just let him do whatever he wants with it.

If your goal is to move forward, then that is all you should focus on. In time he'll realize that he cannot use your stuff against you and throw it out.

July 15, 2014

Who cares? You've spent 10 years on this man. Enough.

It's stuff. You're using it as an excuse to keep fueling this. It doesn't matter whether he's using it as a form of aggression, or he's using it to keep ties with you, etc.

You said you don't have to have it. Just let him do whatever he wants with it.

If your goal is to move forward, then that is all you should focus on. In time he'll realize that he cannot use your stuff against you and throw it out.

I guess I can't explain it then. You make sense, you really do. But I am angry and maybe it is easier to be angry about "stuff". It is very much symbolical, represents what I want to do with my bond to him. You said it, it's 10 years, it's quite a bond. The pain is huge, and I want this over and done with. I am very much afraid of what could happen if I don't.

I DON'T TRUST MYSELF.

I need to torture myself to the point of getting it tattooed in my mind that he hurt me and that he doesn't love me. Because my mind, sneaky little thing, loves to forgive and forget. Loves to! It's the number one thing it knows how to do, and it does it well.

I have been remembering stuff... Stuff I had "conveniently" forgotten. Like the first time he left me. We were living together and he just disappeared with his belongings one day. I was at work and he called to announce he had moved out. That break-up lasted 3 months. I went hard-core NC the whole 3 months. When he finally came back he asked if I had "understood what I did wrong"... I said I did and asked if we could be together again. We never lived together again but we went on this 7 year on again off again roller-coaster. Oh, and those 3 months we weren't together? That's when he got his Facebook account and I saw pictures of him semi-kissing other women. And I conveniently forgot about those. Never mentioned them. How could I do that to myself?

I know what you may say Zahara: who cares? get over him! And you are right. He doesn't deserve me or my love or my life or a single thought from my mind. BUT, I need to do whatever I need to do to MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE that I never forget again and that he is out for good. Not that he wants me anymore. But I don't learn, and I have given in before and begged. Ugh I am ashamed and humiliated.

July 15, 2014

I guess I can't explain it then. You make sense, you really do. But I am angry and maybe it is easier to be angry about "stuff". It is very much symbolical, represents what I want to do with my bond to him. You said it, it's 10 years, it's quite a bond. The pain is huge, and I want this over and done with. I am very much afraid of what could happen if I don't.

And by you holding on to stuff because you're pissed angry and trying to provoke some type of response, it's going to keep you stuck. This war between you and him over stuff is futile. He has the upper hand because you are more emotional and invested and you are at risk of getting hurt for as long as you keep using "stuff" as your tie to him. The thing is, YOU are the one that is using "stuff" as an excuse to keep fueling this.

I need to torture myself to the point of getting it tattooed in my mind that he hurt me and that he doesn't love me. Because my mind, sneaky little thing, loves to forgive and forget. Loves to! It's the number one thing it knows how to do, and it does it well.

It does it well because you have conditioned yourself to accept less than you deserve. It isn't about forgiving and forgetting. It's about you desperately trying to make this man accept you for the past ten years.

I have been remembering stuff... Stuff I had "conveniently" forgotten. Like the first time he left me. We were living together and he just disappeared with his belongings one day. I was at work and he called to announce he had moved out. That break-up lasted 3 months. I went hard-core NC the whole 3 months. When he finally came back he asked if I had "understood what I did wrong"... I said I did and asked if we could be together again.

He up and left and came back 3 months later only to correct you like a little child and you asked him back? Your self-esteem is in the tank. For 10 years you've created this pattern for yourself. At some point it wasn't his fault anymore. It became yours.

We never lived together again but we went on this 7 year on again off again roller-coaster. Oh, and those 3 months we weren't together? That's when he got his Facebook account and I saw pictures of him semi-kissing other women. And I conveniently forgot about those. Never mentioned them. How could I do that to myself?

Low self-esteem. Poor self-worth. You'll accept anything and everything just to have someone validate you.

I know what you may say Zahara: who cares? get over him! And you are right. He doesn't deserve me or my love or my life or a single thought from my mind. BUT, I need to do whatever I need to do to MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE that I never forget again and that he is out for good. Not that he wants me anymore. But I don't learn, and I have given in before and begged. Ugh I am ashamed and humiliated.

And stuff doesn't decide that. You decide if you're done and you need to move on. You're placing too much emphasis on stuff when the focus should be on what you want for yourself. Not what he does and doesn't do with your things. This thought pattern you are having is skewed. Moving on is a choice. "Stuff" bears no relevancy to it.

Edited July 15, 2014 by Zahara

July 15, 2014

And by you holding on to stuff because you're pissed angry and trying to provoke some type of response, it's going to keep you stuck. This war between you and him over stuff is futile. He has the upper hand because you are more emotional and invested and you are at risk of getting hurt for as long as you keep using "stuff" as your tie to him. The thing is, YOU are the one that is using "stuff" as an excuse to keep fueling this.

It does it well because you have conditioned yourself to accept less than you deserve. It isn't about forgiving and forgetting. It's about you desperately trying to make this man accept you for the past ten years.

He up and left and came back 3 months later only to correct you like a little child and you asked him back? Your self-esteem is in the tank. For 10 years you've created this pattern for yourself. At some point it wasn't his fault anymore. It became yours.

Low self-esteem. Poor self-worth. You'll accept anything and everything just to have someone validate you.

And stuff doesn't decide that. You decide if you're done and you need to move on. You're placing too much emphasis on stuff when the focus should be on what you want for yourself. Not what he does and doesn't do with your things. This thought pattern you are having is skewed. Moving on is a choice. "Stuff" bears no relevancy to it.

Agreed. Everything. So how does that work? I know I am ready for this choice, I know I want it. I know I don't even care, I rather be alone that spend another minute in his presence. How do I do that? How do I move on, let go, make sure I never go back?

July 15, 2014

Agreed. Everything. So how does that work? I know I am ready for this choice, I know I want it. I know I don't even care, I rather be alone that spend another minute in his presence. How do I do that? How do I move on, let go, make sure I never go back?

You make the decision to never go back or entertain him again.

You block him from every avenue -- anything and anyone that you know that may trigger you or anything that could set you back.

You make the decision that no matter what, and that includes stuff, there is no more tie to him. F*** the stuff.

You grieve the loss.

You then focus on rebuilding yourself.

Foster self-love. Nurture yourself. Do things that help you re-establish who you are. Go to therapy. Start working out. Create new friends. Get involved in activities through meet-ups. Go back to school. Take a class on a hobby you were once passionate about. Invest your time volunteering. Read self-help books. Go out with your friends. Travel to a place you've always wanted to go. You get the idea.

You've invested 10 years in a man that gave you absolutely nothing. It's time to give yourself all the attention that you've deprived yourself of because you were too focused and dependent on this man.

August 21, 2014

When he texts "miss you, you look good, I may still be in love with you, bla bla bla"...

And I want to answer: die! I hate you! I will never love you again! Looks like your little plan to cheat with permission didn't work at all. I hope you end up with an ugly ghonorreic whore.

Why should I stay quiet???

I know it's breadcrumbs, but I am not falling for it. I really hate his stupid self.

And before you say block him, I really really really won't right now. He's blocked on Facebook but apparently he made another account to "see" me.

I want to scream at him how much I hate him. He thinks I miss him and cry for him and want him back... I just want him to suffer.

August 21, 2014

You should keep NC because you have enough self-respect for yourself to invest anymore time and words with a douchebag cheater. Unless you want to act like cats and dogs and mangle each other up. You really gain nothing from that.

You want to show him that you don't miss him or care for him, ignoring does a fine a job at that. Responding angrily, showing him you are still affected, what do you think that tells him?

August 21, 2014

Because you say a lot more with silence than you do by going off on him angrily. And you really do need to block him even though that's not what you want to hear for some odd reason.

August 21, 2014

By hating him, you're wasting your life and time. Try to forget him and do positive things for your life now.

August 21, 2014

You should keep NC because you have enough self-respect for yourself to invest anymore time and words with a douchebag cheater. Unless you want to act like cats and dogs and mangle each other up. You really gain nothing from that.

You want to show him that you don't miss him or care for him, ignoring does a fine a job at that. Responding angrily, showing him you are still affected, what do you think that tells him?

Thank you for your answer, you always answer my posts Zahara, my sincere thanks.

I don't think I have enough self-respect for myself... I am pretending and acting as if I do, just because I believe I have to and to see if it sticks. Sort of in a "what you think is what you get" sort of way.

What I believe I will gain: the chip off my shoulder!!! It has been weeks and weeks and I have been either sad or angry, and I can't stand it anymore. For the last week or so I have been snapping at random people. Why isn't it about time I yell at him, the source of my anger?

What it tells him: that our 10 year relationship meant something to me and that I don't care if he knows he affected me. That I hate him now! That I (someone he cares about on some level) believes he is trash and that his game is over forever. He will never have me again. Never!

August 21, 2014

Because you say a lot more with silence than you do by going off on him angrily. And you really do need to block him even though that's not what you want to hear for some odd reason.

Yes I say a lot more, but I don't feel better. I want to feel better!!!

August 21, 2014

By hating him, you're wasting your life and time. Try to forget him and do positive things for your life now.

I do positive things for myself. I really really really do. I still have a LOT of anger.

August 21, 2014

I do actually want to keep the NC!!!

I am looking for reasons, good and powerful enough reasons, to keep keeping it.

Right now, it seems that I should keep NC for HIM, to make HIM know that I don't care anymore.

Well, up in the air with that!!! I care about myself, and I want to feel better.

I just want to throw up all over him and feel better.

August 21, 2014

Where was I moved???

August 21, 2014

This was a completely different thing, isn't it? I believe it is. Am I allowed just one thread per breakup?

August 21, 2014

Thank you for your answer, you always answer my posts Zahara, my sincere thanks.

You are most welcome

I don't think I have enough self-respect for myself... I am pretending and acting as if I do, just because I believe I have to and to see if it sticks. Sort of in a "what you think is what you get" sort of way.

Self-improvement takes time. It is not going to happen overnight. And if you have to fake it till you make it, then by all means, do it. After awhile it will become learned behavior.

What I believe I will gain: the chip off my shoulder!!! It has been weeks and weeks and I have been either sad or angry, and I can't stand it anymore. For the last week or so I have been snapping at random people. Why isn't it about time I yell at him, the source of my anger?

Lashing at him will only feed the chip on your shoulder. It will reignite all those negative feelings.

You don't yell at your source of anger. That's like you throwing gasoline on a fire. You ignore and process those feelings on your own. You then learn self-control and coping skills in how to manage these feelings if he ever comes back again.

Understandable that your moods aren't that great. You're going through the process of healing. Your emotions are going to be all over the place.

What it tells him: that our 10 year relationship meant something to me and that I don't care if he knows he affected me. That I hate him now! That I (someone he cares about on some level) believes he is trash and that his game is over forever. He will never have me again. Never!

I've heard this on LS before, "Nothing say F U like silence." Silence tells him that he is insignificant in your life. Silence tells him that he has no control over you. Silence tells him that you are indifferent.

On the other hand, lashing out to him will only tell him that you are still affected by him and that you are still emotionally driven by him. He gains the upper hand, again.

Edited August 21, 2014 by Zahara

August 21, 2014

Yes I say a lot more, but I don't feel better. I want to feel better!!!

Time will make you feel better. Emoting like a crazy, jilted teenager will not. Sure, you might get a high right after the fact, but you'll regret letting this person bring you to that state.

August 21, 2014

If you are saying legit things, WHY IN THE F*** HAVE YOU NOT BLOCKED HIM?!?!

Seems simple. You want him to stop and you "hate him." Then block him. Sounds like you are trying to leave some sort of window open. You can do what you like obvioisly, but dont pee on my leg and tell me its raining.

August 22, 2014

On the other hand, lashing out to him will only tell him that you are still affected by him and that you are still emotionally driven by him. He gains the upper hand, again.

That may be... at this point and the anger I am feeling, I would do almost anything to feel differently. Anything different AT ALL!!! It's like who cares if he has the upper hand, who cares what he thinks? This is about me, not him. I want to feel better. I want to scream to make myself feel better. It is the only way I know to deal and cope and let it out and get these life-sucking feelings out of me. I am hanging on because pretty much everyone on earth says I should. But nobody has to carry how I feel, nobody has to be in my skin, live my days. I want to keep going, I just feel like exploding!

August 22, 2014

Time will make you feel better. Emoting like a crazy, jilted teenager will not. Sure, you might get a high right after the fact, but you'll regret letting this person bring you to that state.

I need something to hang on to then, if I am to rely on time alone. Because I feel like I am not going to make it. I need something, anything to make myself feel better.

I do really think that getting something off your chest makes you feel better. I seriously don't see why not right now.

I would not be "fishing" for anything. I just plain and simple want to knock him off his high horse.

August 22, 2014

If you are saying legit things, WHY IN THE F*** HAVE YOU NOT BLOCKED HIM?!?!

Seems simple. You want him to stop and you "hate him." Then block him. Sounds like you are trying to leave some sort of window open. You can do what you like obvioisly, but dont pee on my leg and tell me its raining.

No no no no no. This is not about a window. And I never said I wanted him to stop.

This is about me having the pleasure of "seeing him" squirm telling me he misses me. Being jealous if I go out with friends. Seeing the stupid drunken things he writes. It gives me real pleasure. He should suffer!!!

He is however blocked on Facebook, because I do not want to suffer any more than I have to, and seeing him with someone else would crush me.

Edit to add: I don't want to keep quiet anymore, I want to scream what a such and such and such I think he is and that he is NEVER having me again!

Edited August 22, 2014 by perduetseul
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