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Lost and alone, in NC, his sister send me a FB request.... [Important update made!]


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Posted

So, hello everyone. I am new here, but not new to forums. I am actually posting this all over the Internet in hopes of a response.

 

I am so completely lost and have nowhere to turn to for help. I have hid my relationship with him from everyone since the last time we got back together in february, so to everyone in my life I am supposed to be fine... but I am heartbroken.

 

I finally understood he doesn't love me. We were together for 10 years, on again and off again, over and over again. He wanted to leave but I always begged and pleaded him to stay. I finally understood, he really doesn't love me.

 

That was a stab to the heart. As it finally dawned on me... I just went into NC and not as a strategy to get him to love me, but as a real move to save myself.

 

My last text said I appreciated his honesty and I had nothing more to say, so one of my friends would be over on saturday to pick up my stuff, and I would appreciate it if he would receive her.

 

He replied that he was busy on saturday, that he had plans, that if I thought if he was going to be alone I was very mistaken. I remained silent. His last text the next day said that he had my stuff ready and that he would give it back if I gave back his (I think I have a DVD, that is it... I had a lot of stuff at his place).

 

So that was my last contact. I have been so sad, I had never really believed he didn't love me as I do now. This is a new feeling for me. This heartbreak, I had no idea something could be so painful.

 

Anyway, I didn't really have a deep relationship with his family, just like holidays and birthdays, and that day I deleted them from Facebook. That was last week.

 

Now I have a friend request from his sister... from like an hour ago. Of course at first my heart did a flip and thought ohhhh he misses and loves me. Then my mind slapped my heart and said get real, this is about his stuff, haaaaa the sad DVD, or something else, like maybe my stuff or something.

 

Anyway, what would you do? What should I do? I think NC should include the sister because there is nothing the sister can say that can help me heal. On the other hand, am I going to wait until she pops up somewhere else?

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Posted
Anyway, what would you do? What should I do? I think NC should include the sister because there is nothing the sister can say that can help me heal. On the other hand, am I going to wait until she pops up somewhere else?

 

So, you've known him for 10 years and all of a sudden the sister wants to be friends on FB? Regardless, you can ignore the request or politely tell her that you need her to understand your need for space and NC so that you are able to heal and move on from this.

 

Yes, NC should include anything or anyone that will cause triggers or reminders as to the hurt and pain you are feeling.

 

She won't pop up anywhere if you 1) block everyone 2) explain to her that you need NC.

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Posted

10 years is a long time for an on and off relationship ship. Was it a struggle? What were the reasons it would go off?

 

My opinion about the fb request is although the sister is innocent to your relationship with your bf (im assuming), there are still chances of her statuses and news feeds reminding you about your bf, hence stopping you from healing. She may posts pics with him or involve him in a status update which can hurt or devastate you as you are grieving and healing.

 

Dont add her. Keep your chin up and follow through with NC. Live long. Eat well. Work hard. Be grateful for the one life that you have.

 

Alex

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Posted
So, you've known him for 10 years and all of a sudden the sister wants to be friends on FB? Regardless, you can ignore the request or politely tell her that you need her to understand your need for space and NC so that you are able to heal and move on from this.

 

Yes, NC should include anything or anyone that will cause triggers or reminders as to the hurt and pain you are feeling.

 

She won't pop up anywhere if you 1) block everyone 2) explain to her that you need NC.

Thanks for the response. Yes, all of a sudden she wants to re-add me, I deleted her from my friends last week, she adds me today. I am certain she doesn't want to be friends, she wants something for her brother obviously, and that can't be good for me, whatever it is can hurt me so much.

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Posted
10 years is a long time for an on and off relationship ship. Was it a struggle? What were the reasons it would go off?

 

My opinion about the fb request is although the sister is innocent to your relationship with your bf (im assuming), there are still chances of her statuses and news feeds reminding you about your bf, hence stopping you from healing. She may posts pics with him or involve him in a status update which can hurt or devastate you as you are grieving and healing.

 

Dont add her. Keep your chin up and follow through with NC. Live long. Eat well. Work hard. Be grateful for the one life that you have.

 

Alex

I know, he tried to leave many times. I just would not believe he really wanted to leave. I believed he loved me and was making a mistake, and I always convinced him to take me back. He, well he just wasn't happy with me, thought he deserved better... Anyway, I am sure she doesn't want to be friends, she wants to slap me or give me my stuff back or something painful or whatever. Thank you Alex.

Posted
Thanks for the response. Yes, all of a sudden she wants to re-add me, I deleted her from my friends last week, she adds me today. I am certain she doesn't want to be friends, she wants something for her brother obviously, and that can't be good for me, whatever it is can hurt me so much.

 

Yes, you should block her so she cannot attempt to make contact again. And that applies to your phone and email as well -- remove him and his sister or anyone that may trigger and remind you further of your pain.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I know it must be incredibly hard as you invested too many years in this. I hope this is the last time you allow him to bounce in and out of your life.

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Posted
Yes, you should block her so she cannot attempt to make contact again. And that applies to your phone and email as well -- remove him and his sister or anyone that may trigger and remind you further of your pain.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I know it must be incredibly hard as you invested too many years in this. I hope this is the last time you allow him to bounce in and out of your life.

Thank you. So not even trying to be polite or civil or decent? We are women in our 30's. Not even something like: hey, I am in enough pain as it is, please don't add to it?

 

Thank you, I know, I am trying to not even think about the number of years, the pain of just losing his love is too much to bear. One thing at a time.

Posted
I know, he tried to leave many times. I just would not believe he really wanted to leave. I believed he loved me and was making a mistake, and I always convinced him to take me back. He, well he just wasn't happy with me, thought he deserved better... Anyway, I am sure she doesn't want to be friends, she wants to slap me or give me my stuff back or something painful or whatever. Thank you Alex.

 

Remove them and all memories of that time you both shared..its the past. Time to focus on the future..Which means you have to live in the now. The best laid plans of mice and me oft go astray, sure, but mice dont have time to cry over a destroyed house they go and build a new one.

 

Get out of this mess ASAP and go back to living your life. A scab will heal unless you pick at it. The inevitable truth about love, or rather someone loving you as you do them, is that we cannot force it. We cannot make someone love us nor convice them. That's impossible.

 

You need to go nc and pretend this guy is gone ya know? He drowned. He got electrocuted. He left in starfleet to some distant galaxy. Maybe he got abducted by aliens!! What ever.

 

1. Set some goals for a productive future and make it happen.

2. Exercise to release endorphins

3. Be so damn busy you dont have time for drama or depression

 

Im 6 months from getting my MD and ya know...I see patients all day begging for more time to live..for life..for health. Surveying their despair and could have been..

 

I beg you to please realize how wonderful and special a persons life is. Please dont waste it being sad over some loser who doesn't know his behind from a wall.

 

Alex

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Posted
Thank you. So not even trying to be polite or civil or decent? We are women in our 30's. Not even something like: hey, I am in enough pain as it is, please don't add to it?

 

Thank you, I know, I am trying to not even think about the number of years, the pain of just losing his love is too much to bear. One thing at a time.

 

You deleted her last week so polite/civil/decent doesn't come into play anymore. She has to understand that you deleted her for a reason, infact she knows why.

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  • Author
Posted
Remove them and all memories of that time you both shared..its the past. Time to focus on the future..Which means you have to live in the now. The best laid plans of mice and me oft go astray, sure, but mice dont have time to cry over a destroyed house they go and build a new one.

 

Get out of this mess ASAP and go back to living your life. A scab will heal unless you pick at it. The inevitable truth about love, or rather someone loving you as you do them, is that we cannot force it. We cannot make someone love us nor convice them. That's impossible.

 

You need to go nc and pretend this guy is gone ya know? He drowned. He got electrocuted. He left in starfleet to some distant galaxy. Maybe he got abducted by aliens!! What ever.

 

1. Set some goals for a productive future and make it happen.

2. Exercise to release endorphins

3. Be so damn busy you dont have time for drama or depression

 

Im 6 months from getting my MD and ya know...I see patients all day begging for more time to live..for life..for health. Surveying their despair and could have been..

 

I beg you to please realize how wonderful and special a persons life is. Please dont waste it being sad over some loser who doesn't know his behind from a wall.

 

Alex

:lmao:

His behind from a wall...

Thank you.

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Posted
You deleted her last week so polite/civil/decent doesn't come into play anymore. She has to understand that you deleted her for a reason, infact she knows why.

Ok. Yes she knows. She cares for her brother, not for me. Thank you.

  • Author
Posted

Great, didn't even had a chance to block him, now I have an email on ALL of my accounts. From him.

 

Says: (translating here...)

Don't know if you got my last email, but I can receive your friend today or tomorrow. If not, it would be until next week. And as I said, I expect her to bring my stuff too. Regards.

 

I mean, what? What is that?

 

And that makes me wonder what his sister wants? If it's not to ask for his stuff.

Posted

We don't know what he's told his sister, but I'm willing to bet it's quite different from your version of events.

 

I would try to handle this exchange of property as congenially as possible and then eliminate these people from your life.

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Posted
Great, didn't even had a chance to block him, now I have an email on ALL of my accounts. From him.

 

Says: (translating here...)

Don't know if you got my last email, but I can receive your friend today or tomorrow. If not, it would be until next week. And as I said, I expect her to bring my stuff too. Regards.

 

I mean, what? What is that?

 

And that makes me wonder what his sister wants? If it's not to ask for his stuff.

 

It doesn't matter what his sister wants anymore. Place her out of this picture.

 

Respond that you will send your friend on date & time. Scout your place for anything that belongs to him and give it to your friend to return to him.

 

Don't wait until next week because people often use "stuff" as a reason to open communication.

 

When you get your things back, block him from everything. If you find things missing, let it go. Unless it's an heirloom from your grandmother, everything else is just stuff. It's not worth going back and forth.

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Posted

I agree. Do the exchange. Then sever the limb.

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Posted

I would actually add the sister as a friend. DON'T MESSAGE HER first, only message her if she does it to you first.

 

DONT ASK ABOUT YOUR EX. if she mentions her politely respond with "I would prefer not to talk about the past, thanks".

 

this will get back to your ex. do it.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

I'm going to have to disagree with the above.

 

OP, you've invested too many years in this man with zero return. It's time to cut the cord and move on. No game playing. No more investing another second of your time on him or his sister.

 

Being a part of his family is risking the possibility of being triggered and reminded of your pain. There is no need to be friends with his sister. You even said you weren't close and if only after 10 years there is now a reason to be friends, it doesn't sound legitimate. Most importantly, you do not want to be witness to anything that's going on in his life via your connection with his sister via FB.

 

It's done. Sever it.

Edited by Zahara
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Posted
We don't know what he's told his sister, but I'm willing to bet it's quite different from your version of events.

 

I would try to handle this exchange of property as congenially as possible and then eliminate these people from your life.

Of course. And it can't be good. Thank you.

  • Author
Posted
It doesn't matter what his sister wants anymore. Place her out of this picture.

 

Respond that you will send your friend on date & time. Scout your place for anything that belongs to him and give it to your friend to return to him.

 

Don't wait until next week because people often use "stuff" as a reason to open communication.

 

When you get your things back, block him from everything. If you find things missing, let it go. Unless it's an heirloom from your grandmother, everything else is just stuff. It's not worth going back and forth.

I found the DVD which is a series, 2 pictures from when he was young and some boxers. That's it. What he has at his place that's mine is so much more: at least 30 movies, clothes, jewelry. I don't know why he wants his stuff. In fact, other that to get rid of my stuff... I just don't even know why he is being so mean and aggressive. He doesn't love me, breaks up with me, then kicks me while I'm down?

 

I am giving my friend this stuff later today. Then I will block him from everything. Thank you.

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Posted
I agree. Do the exchange. Then sever the limb.

Taking in a deep breath, will do. Thank you.

  • Author
Posted
I would actually add the sister as a friend. DON'T MESSAGE HER first, only message her if she does it to you first.

 

DONT ASK ABOUT YOUR EX. if she mentions her politely respond with "I would prefer not to talk about the past, thanks".

 

this will get back to your ex. do it.

I don't know. That sounds mature and decent and all, but painful. I don't want to invest my energies on sending coded messages. I really don't care how he sees me, in spite of how humiliated I feel, I don't care for showing him I have "moved on" when I actually haven't. Quite the opposite, I have no reason to hide that I an crying my eyes out and my heart is broken. If I were to actually accept her I would contact her right away and confront her with a hey I am crying here, are you going to kick me while I am down?

  • Author
Posted
I'm going to have to disagree with the above.

 

OP, you've invested too many years in this man with zero return. It's time to cut the cord and move on. No game playing. No more investing another second of your time on him or his sister.

 

Being a part of his family is risking the possibility of being triggered and reminded of your pain. There is no need to be friends with his sister. You even said you weren't close and if only after 10 years there is now a reason to be friends, it doesn't sound legitimate. Most importantly, you do not want to be witness to anything that's going on in his life via your connection with his sister via FB.

 

It's done. Sever it.

Right. The flip I felt in my heart was: what if the sister know he loves me and wants to interfere before he ruins us? But you know, even if that was the case, WHICH IS NOT, that would certainly not be the way to go.

 

Thank you.

Posted
I found the DVD which is a series, 2 pictures from when he was young and some boxers. That's it. What he has at his place that's mine is so much more: at least 30 movies, clothes, jewelry. I don't know why he wants his stuff. In fact, other that to get rid of my stuff... I just don't even know why he is being so mean and aggressive. He doesn't love me, breaks up with me, then kicks me while I'm down?

 

I am giving my friend this stuff later today. Then I will block him from everything. Thank you.

 

It's hard to understand why people behave that way but work with what you have and accept that you deserve better than this.

 

Yes, get it all done and sever all ties to him.

 

You sound strong and determined.

  • Author
Posted

After I got his email (where he said he had my stuff ready and my friend could go by that day or the next, but not on thurday or the weekend because he was going to be busy) I didn't respond, instead I looked for and found some stuff of his and gave it to my friend and asked her to contact him.

 

She did, she emailed him politely that day saying she had something for him, and asking when would be the best time for her to drop by.

 

He never answered, that was a week ago.

 

I have been on an emotional roller-coaster all week. Sometimes in so much pain I cry my eyes out, other times with so much anger I feel like punching someone, other times denial kicks in and I swear he still loves me, other times obsessiveness takes over and plays fictional movies in my head where I see him with another woman, or worse that he cheated on me when this is just a suspicion I have no proof of that.

 

Whatever! I need this over and done with! The more time goes by, the more I hate him, the more I see how much he didn't love me and wanted out, the more I want to kick him and sometimes I just want to plain kill him. I want him out of my mind, my heart, my life.

 

HOW DO I GET MY STUFF BACK?

 

I refuse to speak to him, see him, or write to him. I would say sayonara to my stuff except I feel it is a thread binding us, and I want to cut all cords that could still keep us together.

 

Any thoughts?

Posted

OP, it took me almost a year to get my stuff back. My ex broke up with me nearly a year ago and I couldn't get my stuff back. I think, looking back, part of me was glad she had these things because that meant there was still some kind of rom-com chance we would get back together. After requesting my stuff on several occasions, with no response other than, 'I wear your sweatshirts and sweatpants everyday', I cut all ties and ended up moving halfway around the world. I succumbed and sent her a message early spring requesting my things back and she finally responded she had been trying to for so long but couldn't, not because my clothes were comfy, but because it was the last things that she had of mine and couldn't let go. After I came back home for vacation, she stopped by and dropped off everything. Her feelings resurfaced and it turned to be a terrible mess. In hindsight, I should have just let it all be. These items did mean a lot to me as they represented some of the best times of my life, custom garments (with my name on them) from when I was a D1 athlete in college; things I could never earn again. I learned that regardless of how important these things were to me, they were just things and the representation they had in my life would never overshadow the pain I felt receiving them back...It opened a can of worms that I wasn't emotionally ready to deal with. When she came over to drop them off, she ended up wearing them and taking them with her again - don't let this get any messier than it has to be.

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