charlo Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 So, I have a boyfriend who I met at university, and we've been together for around seven months now. The relationship is perfectly fine, apart from a couple of small issues that I have with him. The main one is how long he takes to make plans - it might seem like I'm nitpicking, but there are reasons why it frustrates me so much. When we're apart during holidays, we live about 40 mins apart on the train, and every couple of weeks we see each other for a few days. The only issue is it takes forever to sort this out between us. For example, a couple of weeks ago he suggested that I visit him at the end of this week before he goes on holiday (it's Tuesday now), and I agreed. He never mentioned anything more about it until last Sunday when I said that I'm free from Thursday till the end of the week. He said he'd figure out a day and let me know. Now it's Tuesday and he still hasn't given any sort of indication of when he wants me to visit. It wouldn't be a big deal if he didn't do it constantly. Every time we organise something he always leaves it until the last minute, meaning I can't make plans for either us or myself, because I don't know when we're going to see each other. I usually have to keep prompting him to let me know before I get a definite answer, and even then he changes his mind a lot. Keeping in mind, we have a great relationship, what is this even about, and what should I say? Every time we try and sort something out I'm constantly left waiting around for him to finalise plans and I'm tired of it. Last time it happened I approached him about it and said that he needs to start making/agreeing to plans with me sooner so that I can make other plans around it/plans for us when he visits. Yet, still, he's done it again and I don't really know what to say.
MissBee Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Be honest. Tell him you're frustrated with it and would like to make more definite plans in a timely manner. If you have a great relationship he should understand this. I get annoyed with my bf because he doesn't remember stuff sometimes or if plans change sometimes he forgets to let me know and I simply told him that it really bothers me and suggested how he can improve and he does it. You may have to bring it up more than once for it to sink in.
Author charlo Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Thanks! I feel like I should bring it up again, but every time I do I feel like I'm being mean. Eek. :/
thekid36 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Thanks! I feel like I should bring it up again, but every time I do I feel like I'm being mean. Eek. :/ Your feelings are always important and one of the cornerstones of any great relationship should be open and honest communication. A relationship takes two partners. No need to feel like you are being mean. Just bring it up in a nonthreatening manner. If he truly cares for you, then there needs to be some sort of change going forward. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 My husband can't make plans either but he'll happily go along with whatever plans I make so my suggestion is take the reigns, nail him down & don't worry about it. Reach out -- say you mentioned Thursday. How about I come by at [pick at time] and we do [whatever activity] ? If you make it a yes or no Q, you are more likely to get a concrete answer. 2
MissBee Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Thanks! I feel like I should bring it up again, but every time I do I feel like I'm being mean. Eek. :/ It's not being mean...it's a reasonable request. And if you don't bring it up you'll build up resentment which is more damaging to your relationship in the long run. 1
Author charlo Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 I agree! The only issue is that he always says that he has to ask his Mum if I can visit/if he can come and see me, which I just find really odd. His Mum is very over the top, but I find it a bit strange that he has to ask her permission to do anything (I think he's a bit scared of her). I also think that he has the tendency to put off asking her if I can visit, meaning it takes forever for him to actually make concrete plans. So frustrating!
Author charlo Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 I've bought it up to him now, via text, just saying that I'd prefer if he let me know now because I can't make plans if he doesn't.
spiderowl Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I would just leave him to make arrangements with you and if he doesn't manage it within a reasonable time for you to plan, just do something else. If he asks what the plans are, say you needed to know earlier and now you've made other arrangements, then disappear for a couple of days without contacting him. If this goes on, you will get more and more frustrated with him. He's not trying to make things work with you, that's the bottom line. It can only get worse.
SolG Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Hi Charlo :-) Outside of work, finances and international travel there is very little I plan more than 24 hours (it's routinely much less!) in advance. Today for instance, at 10.30 am I asked a friend out for lunch. If he hadn't been able to make it, no biggy, I would've found something else to do. Sometimes I'll visit the fam and ring from the airport to tell them I'm on my way. I usually don't commit to casual group social arrangements until the day of; because how do I know on Monday what I'll feel doing like on Friday night? :-/ If your BF is anything like me, it's just that he's pretty laissez faire about most social/relationship arrangements. He may very well be happy for you to just tell him when you're going to show up and he'll work around it. I do hear you though. The fact that I'm not a planner used to drive my xH nuts at times.
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 It sounds like he's banking on you waiting around for him to decide when he wants to see you, which is what you're currently doing. I suggest getting busy with your own life, seeing your own friends, act as though you're never going to see him again, and when he eventually looks at the calendar and realises it's been however many weeks since he saw you, he might realise that he needs to respect your time and work a little harder to keep you in his life. However, I suspect he's just not that bothered. If you really want to see somebody you make sure it happens, you don't wait around for days/weeks leaving your partner hanging when she's made it clear she needs solid plans so she can organise the rest of her life. Reminds me of a guy I dated for four years. He would do stuff like this. He'd also say 'maybe' to every single friend's invitation to do something, so that each day he could wake up and decide which event he wanted to attend most. Never mind that people might need to know numbers, organise tickets, simply to plan whether he'd be there or not, he was so horizontal and selfish (not just about this, other stuff too) that this was how he operated. He was always fine about making plans with me but I still felt it was me making it happen the majority of the time and it always left me feeling uneasy and anxious.
Author charlo Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 Thanks for all of your advice! I should probably explain one thing that influences when we see eachother a LOT - and that's his Mum. She's very controlling and demanding of him, and likes to micromanage what he does. I called him up last night and he finally said that I can visit, but only for one night (which, for me, isn't really worth it). I told him this, and he apologised, and said that every time he asks his Mum if I can stay with them, she gets stressed out (I think this is because there's a lot of people in their house, and a lot of stuff going on at the moment), so he doesn't like asking her. So, I think that the main reasons that he takes so long to make plans are that he's just not a person who is good at making plans (as someone already suggested), and because his Mum is very restricting when he invites someone over (we're 19 years old, in case anyone was wondering) because their house is so hectic. Is there anything I can actually do about this, or should I just try and work around it? When I spoke to him last night he was really stressed out (partly because of his Mum and partly because I was pestering him for an answer), so I felt quite guilty. I feel like our relationship (when he's living at home) is a bit of a tug-of-war between myself and his family, which is hard because he moves to Malaysia for nine months in September, and I'd like to see him as much as possible.
Leigh 87 Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 My bf lives four hours away from me, doesn't drive and has a memory problem from an injury. He still doesn't let weeks pass before he seeks me. Ten days is the longest we went and he literally picked me up and spun me around in the air he was so thrilled to finally see me again. We rarely go more than 5 or 6 days without..... 1
Author charlo Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 I think things would be similar between my boyfriend and I, except for the fact that we don't have much money because we're students, and we both live at home with our parents, and his Mum has a lot of the say in when I visit because it's her house. It's difficult to be spontaneous when the situation is like that :/
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 You could try being more friendly & helpful to the mom when you see her. 2
ASG Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 I would just leave him to make arrangements with you and if he doesn't manage it within a reasonable time for you to plan, just do something else. If he asks what the plans are, say you needed to know earlier and now you've made other arrangements, then disappear for a couple of days without contacting him. If this goes on, you will get more and more frustrated with him. He's not trying to make things work with you, that's the bottom line. It can only get worse. This is TERRIBLE advice. OP, please don't ever do this. However, you need to be more assertive. You need to say something to the effect of "I need to know what the plans are on day X, so that I can make arrangements". When day X comes press again. If no plans are forthcoming, maybe say that you won't be able to go meet him. BUT SAY IT! Don't disappear and don't stop communicating. If you do, you might as well just break up!
Author charlo Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 I agree, I don't particularly like to play games by going off the radar and not communicating. I also agree with the person who says to be more helpful with his Mum - I'm pretty sure she already likes me, but I'll make sure I put in extra effort with her!
Quiet Storm Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 40 minutes apart is not that far. Many people have a longer commute to work than that! I don't understand why a 40 minute trip isn't worth it because it's only one night? And why at this distance you only see each other every few weeks? I do live in the US and I suppose we are used to longer travel times, but why not go back & forth a few times a week. Round trip it's only 1 hour & 20 minutes out of your day- less than the time it takes to watch a movie! It seems like it would be better to just hang out with each other during the day, and go back to your homes at night. This way you don't have to get the sleepovers preapproved by his mother. You both sound kind of passive, waiting for each other to make plans, and you not wanting to seem mean. Open communication is necessary for a successful relationship. If you miss him & want to see him, make that clear & don't apologize for it. It's natural to want to spend time with him. And I agree with Leigh- most guys that are really into you, would make it happen. He seems too content with not seeing you.
Author charlo Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 I agree that forty minutes apart isn't far, but neither of us have cars and it's £20 for a return ticket on the train, which is a lot when you're a student with a tight budget. That's the reason why I said I don't believe that it's worth it. For me, it's better to see him for a few days every couple of weeks for £20, than see him a three/four times separately for £60, which neither of us can afford. Hope that makes sense? 1
Quiet Storm Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 I agree that forty minutes apart isn't far, but neither of us have cars and it's £20 for a return ticket on the train, which is a lot when you're a student with a tight budget. That's the reason why I said I don't believe that it's worth it. For me, it's better to see him for a few days every couple of weeks for £20, than see him a three/four times separately for £60, which neither of us can afford. Hope that makes sense? Yes, it makes sense now. I was thinking it was a $4 train . I like the idea of helping out his mom.
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