Author lucaslode Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 I am going to have to do something I really don't want to do and break a little boy's heart. But that seems to be my only option. She obviously didn't care about my feelings and the special bond I built with her son (and he with me) after 9 years. He doesn't have a Skype account unfortunately. She doesn't want him to have one saying 'he's too young'. He does have an iPad but I don't have an iPhone so I can't 'Facetime' with him. Maybe I'll buy an iPhone so I can still communicate with him without having to find out anything about what she is doing?
Author lucaslode Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 He'll turn 11 this Friday. He wanted me to attend his BD party but I told him I couldn't. Sad to have to do this to a good kid who got caught in the middle of something he doesn't even understand. Don't know if the picture she posted is just an 'act' with a friend or a new lover she's been seeing for a while already (behind my back while we were still a couple). Don't care to know either. I am guessing somehow that indirectly she is using her son's FB page to keep me posted of what she's doing ... manipulative, cunning, slime ball?
exhausted1 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 You can delete him but still send each other messages on facebook... just a suggestion. However, be aware that sooner or later by keeping in touch with her son, it may cause further confusion for you and the child and children at that age might be innocently talking about their mother or think you may get back together.
Author lucaslode Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 I know, that's what makes this so difficult. Now to top it off she just texted me saying: "She needs time to think things through. She doesn't know how long it will take her and if we do get back together she wants to start fresh and not pick up where we left off." I haven't responded. Don't even know what she's trying to pull with this one. Yet another mind game?
Chi townD Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I hate to say it to. You might have to cut ties with this kid. Especially now that she's using HIS social media to throw it back in your face. Sad really. He looks to you as a father figure in his life and through her selfish and immature behavior, he's going to lose that. Well, she'll be there to see him hurt and she'll see the pain that she's caused him. Maybe she'll wake up then.
Author lucaslode Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 I just unfriended with the boy .... I cried doing that because I know I am hurting him but I have no other choice. I also unfriended with her brothers and their girlfriends because they share a lot of pictures with my ex. So now I have NC with her at all, not on phone, not by email and not by social sites. Why she's still insinuating that 'she needs time to think things through but can't tell me how much time and if we do get back together it has to be a brand new relationship' is something I am not getting. If it's over it's over. I really hope the boy will be alright though. He really is a very good kid; smart, funny, witty, charming but also extremely sensitive. That's just not right!
Simon Phoenix Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Sorry lucaslode. I know this hurts. But unfortunately, it's the best for you, and it might be the best for him.
symphonyofwolves Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I think she's just being very childish. Anyone who can move on that fast like that after a 9 month relationship is a weak person, and you are probably much better off without her. Delete the son from your friend list, tell him it's not personal if you're still in contact with him in person or over text or whatever. You just need to move on and she needs to know you've moved on. She'll probably even come crawling back to you after some time when she sees you have because I guarantee you she's not happy with whoever she is with right now. He's just a rebound. Just do your own thing. Obviously she is. It's just not healthy for you to keep seeing her updates every day and it will be much easier for you to move on once you delete it. Btw, that's very pathetic of her to use her son's fb account like that just to rub it in your face. You definitely deserve much better! Good luck!
Author lucaslode Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Just to clarify: Not a 9 months relationship but more than 9 years being together before she dumped me 3 1/2 weeks ago.
Author lucaslode Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 And ... if I get it right from a mutual friend, she was actually already 'dating' this new guy several months before she broke up with me. Anyhow. I really feel for the kid. I considered him my son and I know he looked up to me as his dad. That really hurts more than anything.
exhausted1 Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 I feel for your lucas. It just sounds like she's selfish. The text she sent you is was an effort to ease her own guilt and trying to establish you as a backup plan in case the grass isn't greener. I just went through heartbreak a few days ago. There was no child involved but it sucks either way. If he's a good kid, you probably had a lot to do with it and if you are looking to have your own child in the future, that's something you can hang on to. Be strong and soldier on man.
Author lucaslode Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 Hey thanks, you do the same. I gather if I can get any solace it's the fact that for more than 9 years I was there for her and her son. I was devoted to her, loved her completely, supported her in everything and helped her financially. I spent quality time with her son, taught him math tricks, went skateboarding with him, told jokes and had all around good fun. At least I know I didn't 'use' her during that time. If it's true she went behind my back and she probably did, that's why the guy is already meeting her family, then she was just a 'user' and eventually she'll realize just how good of a man I really was to her and her son. 1
NopeNah Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Sucks,buddy. I went through a similar situation a few years back. Actually the reason I came to this site.
Author lucaslode Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 Same here. I'll get through it somehow. Difficult for all of us who have been dumped. Just seems that being kind, caring, considerate and unselfish in a relationship has you holding the short end of the stick. Anyhow thanks for all the good advice, I truly appreciate it.
Author lucaslode Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 (edited) Was with my ex for over 9 years. She had a one year old son when we met. I raised him as my own and we grew very close. My ex and I had a typical relationship with its ups and downs. Overall it was very good and very loving. We talked about marriage, where to live and having kids. She even had names picked out for 'our children to be'. There were no indications something was 'wrong' with our relationship. About one month ago we had an argument about something very stupid. It escalated into a full blown verbal fight. She throws a bomb on me telling me "she can't do this anymore". Then she says "I am sorry" over and over again. Walks to the door says "I hope you can forgive me", says "I am sorry" a few more times and walks out. 10 minutes later I discover she unfriended me from FB. Two days later she emails me telling me "she's with another guy and she's moved on". For the next 3 weeks she contacts me of and on with text, phone and email. Sometimes she sounds happy other times ice cold. We also met once. She was ice cold towards me. 4th of July she calls me and says her son wants to thank me for his birthday gift. I ask to talk to him. She stays on the phone with me and is obviously trying to have a 'meaningless' conversation. Eventually I get to talk to her son. Over the weekend and Monday there was NC. On Tuesday I go on FB to offer condolences to my brother in law. His mother passed away. There I see a photo of her having a 4th of July party at her house with several couples. A young man is hanging on her like glue. A friend of hers leaves a comment about the guy clinging to her to which she responds trying to sound funny. The picture came to my page because I am friends on FB with her brothers. Obviously she knew I would see the photo. I immediately defriended her brothers. That set off a chain reaction: the brothers' girlfriends and everyone mutual friend we had now defriended me on FB. Somehow I was still getting messages she posted on FB, that have now stopped as well and the messages she wrote prior have all disappeared. The only thing left are pictures of her she posted prior to defriending me 3 weeks ago. If my ex wanted me our her life completely, why did she insist the last 3 weeks we stay friends? Why did she keep contact with me and why did she post a picture online she knew I would see? Is she just being vindictive? Edited July 9, 2014 by lucaslode
Chi townD Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Does it really matter? She can be vindictive all she wants. You're discovering that she was cheating on you months before she ends it with you. Explains why she was all "Sorry and forgive me." crap. Posts stuff on facebook she'll know you'll see. You block everyone that you can think of that would have her feeds pop up on your news feeds and what does she do? She starts posting on her SON'S page! Dude, she's already been vindictive!!! And now she's getting people to turn on you. Mutual friends defriending you. Well, if they were your friends they're showing their true colors. Or she's making you out to be the bad guy saying that you broke her kids heart by defriending him. Seriously doubt she informed them that she was posting crap on his page. Betcha she forgot to tell them that one! Time to move on dude.
Author lucaslode Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 Ex broke up with me 30 days ago. We were together for more than 9 years. Had for the most part a good, loving relationship. Her reason for breaking up: "Can't do this anymore!". Don't know what she meant with that she never explained it. The breakup come sudden and unexpectedly and hit me like a bomb. Since the breakup: * 2 hours later: ex blocks and defriends me from FB. *Day 2: get email from ex telling me she's with someone new and has moved on. *Day 5: get phone call from ex telling me she heard from a friend what I have been doing with myself since the breakup and says "I am loving the new you right now. I should really kick you in the balls, honestly". She hangs up. *Day 7: ex wants to meet with me. I agree. We set a time and place. I cancel meeting afterwards. I didn't believe meeting so soon was the right thing to do. She got upset. *Day 9: new 'boyfriend' is being introduced to her family - took me 6 months to get that privilege. *Day 15: new 'boyfriend' is invited to private family party. *Day 23: new 'boyfriend' is invited to son's BD party and being introduced to all her friends. I raised her boy as my own for the past 9 years. I was introduced to her friends one at a time over a period of time. *Day 24 till now: full NC on both sides. Why is my ex seemingly having the time of her life immediately after she dumped me while I am still hurting terribly? Before walking out my door, the day she broke up with me, she said: "nine years is a long time. I can't let go of that just like that!". Yet almost instantly after breakup she's enjoying herself to the tilt, has a new 'boyfriend' and is having a blast. I on the other hand am still way too hurt to start partying, leave alone start dating someone new. Love gurus tell us NC serves for me to heal and her to begin missing me. From what I am getting through the grapevine (I haven't done any of the things clingy people do. I didn't call her, text her, email her, stalk her or asked her to come back), she's on cloud nine right now, already enjoying a new man, probably never once thinking about the time we had together. How is it possible my ex was able to move on that fast?
Simon Phoenix Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 First of all, you need to cut off that grapevine. You aren't in true NC if you are getting reports on her. If someone brings her up, politely tell them that you'd rather not know or discuss what she's doing. Second of all, a lot of her having moved on is a result of her starting the breakup/healing process before she broke up with you. Most dumpers work through a lot of the justifications and internal conflicts in their own mind before actually dumping. Third, a lot of what she's doing is a front. It's like posts on Facebook -- they project a snapshot of what's going on and can be molded to fit a certain image. Think about it, how many people post Facebook photos where they look sad, pissed off, or harried? Either way, you need to stop sucking around for reports on her.
FortunateSon Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 I don't know your whole story, but she has probably been moving on for awhile, you just weren't aware of it. I don't think her boyfriend is as "new" as you think. She was likely forming an emotional and possibly a physical bond while she was still with you and at the same time detaching from you emotionally. 9 years is a long time to be together, it is highly unlikely she has forgotten about you, but the excitement of her new situation certainly has her attention now. As other will tell you, going NC is imperative, no contact or information from or about her is going to help you. Use NC to heal yourself, not to make her miss you. 1
Author lucaslode Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 I am truly not seeking out the latest news about my ex. We just have many mutual friends and it's from them I am being told what she's doing even though I have never asked them to tell me about her. You are right though. I have to stop that starting now ... for my own sanity. As for her dumping me after she already had time to organize her thoughts and feelings, making it easier for her to move on, I believe that's exactly what she did and she was probably already seeing and hanging out with her new 'boyfriend' before she dumped me.
Author lucaslode Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 FortunateSon, I am not doing NC for her to miss me, I am truly doing it for myself. I was just saying that we both are in NC and while I am still hurting like hell, she doesn't seem to have that experience at all. I gather you are right that she is enjoying the 'thrill' of the new excitement and more than likely her new man isn't as 'new' as I am made to believe. I forgot to mention that prior to us going full NC I got an email from her talking about her new boyfriend saying: "We are just starting out and are taking it one day at a time!". Once again I don't know what she meant with that but I gather that's where I got the 'new' part from.
scobro Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 I had an ex wife say the exact same thing to me and she had someone waiting on the side.What your ex has done is the classic met someone behind your back months ago.She wanted to see what would happen, once they feel they are comfortable in their future together, she ends it with you. Rarely women just end it without someone waiting on the side.Unless its very abusive etc etc.She just didn't think this sucks Im gone after 9 years.Sorry it hurts but she met someone a while ago and now is her new man and being introduced to family, friends etc etc.Its a real low blow what she did it makes it easier for her and really tough for you but unfortunately it happens all the time this way and it gets ugly so hopefully you are not a real jealous angry guy becauuse this is how people go to jail....no joke I know a guy who hit his ex new BF in the head with a hammer and got charged with attempted murder Now the flip side could be he is a rebound and it will tank within 3-4 months but she would be stupid to introduce to friends and family etc etc if it wasn't something she felt is a solid relationship Did you have any idea she might be cheating on you??
Author lucaslode Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 Hi; I am sorry to hear you went through something like this already. Maybe hearing how you dealt with it may help me to have it a bit easier. No, I am certainly not a violent man and I will never take abusive physical action towards her and her new man. As far as her cheating is concerned: she may have, especially if she already formed that relationship with the new guy several months, maybe even a year, before she broke up with me. I do have to stipulate though that her family isn't your typical family: it's her and her son living together with her two younger brothers. Their mother died when they were still very young and their father lives separate from them with another woman. So they do as they please with no parent around, which is partying a lot despite being all over 30 years old, having lots of friends and acquaintances spend the night and stuff like that. Still I am just confused by everything I guess. Just last Wednesday she sends me an email out of the blue apologizing for not texting me for the past two days because she's been extremely busy at work and planning her son's BD party. (yet she has time to write me a 4 paragraph long email?). She tells me "9 years is a long time and she can't just let go of it like that" but adds that she is just starting out with her new guy and they are taking it one day at a time. The whole thing is just frustrating. And just when I start to feel a bit better about the situation she somehow contacts me and shares information with me that only rekindles my emotions. Almost as if the breakup is a game to her. I know that when she broke up, she met with me the very next day and it was clear by how she acted that she wanted me to take her back but because she never uttered these words, I never asked her to come back. She broke up with me after all. Maybe she thought I was going to take her back and was offended when I didn't?
Simon Phoenix Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Hi; I am sorry to hear you went through something like this already. Maybe hearing how you dealt with it may help me to have it a bit easier. No, I am certainly not a violent man and I will never take abusive physical action towards her and her new man. As far as her cheating is concerned: she may have, especially if she already formed that relationship with the new guy several months, maybe even a year, before she broke up with me. I do have to stipulate though that her family isn't your typical family: it's her and her son living together with her two younger brothers. Their mother died when they were still very young and their father lives separate from them with another woman. So they do as they please with no parent around, which is partying a lot despite being all over 30 years old, having lots of friends and acquaintances spend the night and stuff like that. Still I am just confused by everything I guess. Just last Wednesday she sends me an email out of the blue apologizing for not texting me for the past two days because she's been extremely busy at work and planning her son's BD party. (yet she has time to write me a 4 paragraph long email?). She tells me "9 years is a long time and she can't just let go of it like that" but adds that she is just starting out with her new guy and they are taking it one day at a time. The whole thing is just frustrating. And just when I start to feel a bit better about the situation she somehow contacts me and shares information with me that only rekindles my emotions. Almost as if the breakup is a game to her. I know that when she broke up, she met with me the very next day and it was clear by how she acted that she wanted me to take her back but because she never uttered these words, I never asked her to come back. She broke up with me after all. Maybe she thought I was going to take her back and was offended when I didn't? You are overthinking and twisting your brain into a pretzel. She didn't break up with you to cause you to try to get you to beg for her back as some sort of convoluted power play. Even if she did, why the hell would you placate someone that's that emotionally manipulative? And you really need to block her e-mail. But yeah, you are overthinking to the point where you are inventing things out of the blue sky. While the brain is much more reliable than the heart, this seems to be a case where your brain is just going batty.
Author lucaslode Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 My mind does play games on me with this breakup, that's true, particularly I have no support group (other than this forum), to unleash my emotions. That makes it quite difficult to think rational when your emotions are flying all over the scene. But you are right. No argument here
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