Ex Plays Mind Games? [update]

July 4, 2014

My girlfriend of 9 years dumped me out of the blue 3 weeks ago. Since then we've had a bit of texting going back and forth mostly initiated by her.

This morning she texts me that she wants to meet me after work. I agreed. She tells me to meet her around 4:30 pm because she's getting out from work early.

As soon as I see her in the parking lot of the place where we met I can see her face is like stone. She sees me, comes up to me and gives me a quick hug that is more like a quick tap on the shoulder.

Immediately she tells me "Sorry, can't stay long, sorry, sorry." We go inside the establishment. She doesn't want anything to drink or eat and again apologizes for only having a few minutes to spare. She says she needs to be back at work because tomorrow (4th of july) is a holiday and her boss is coming to the office on Monday.

All the while she doesn't crack a smile. She keeps her sunglasses on. Then she asks me how I am doing once again with a face as cold as ice. I try to stay calm,lighthearted,relaxed and confident. I tell her a joke to try and loosen her up a bit. She barely cracks a smile.

Then she says she needs to go and once again says 'I am sorry' several times. She says 'maybe we can meet again some other time, somewhere else'. Then she asks me to go outside with her to the parking lot because she needs to leave. In the parking lot she gives me the same hug she gave me earlier, walks to her car and drives off.

The entire meeting lasted perhaps 7 minutes tops. All the while she was cold as ice, said 'I am sorry' almost constantly, kept on her shades and couldn't really look me in the eyes.

What am I to make of this? Anyone?

Edited July 4, 2014 by lucaslode

July 4, 2014

My girlfriend of 9 years dumped me out of the blue 3 weeks ago. Since then we've had a bit of texting going back and forth mostly initiated by her.

This morning she texts me that she wants to meet me after work. I agreed. She tells me to meet her around 4:50 pm because she's getting out from work early.

As soon as I see her in the parking lot of the place where we met I can see her face is like stone. She sees me, comes up to me and gives me a quick hug that is more like a quick tap on the shoulder.

Immediately she tells me "Sorry, can't stay long, sorry, sorry." We go inside the establishment. She doesn't want anything to drink or eat and again apologizes for only having a few minutes to spare. She says she needs to be back at work because tomorrow (4th of july) is a holiday and her boss is coming to the office on Monday.

All the while she doesn't crack a smile. She keeps her sunglasses on. Then she asks me how I am doing once again with a face as cold as ice. I try to stay calm,lighthearted,relaxed and confident. I tell her a joke to try and loosen her up a bit. She barely cracks a smile.

Then she says she needs to go and once again says 'I am sorry' several times. She says 'maybe we can meet again some other time, somewhere else'. Then she asks me to go outside with her to the parking lot because she needs to leave. In the parking lot she gives me the same hug she gave me earlier, walks to her car and drives off.

The entire meeting lasted perhaps 7 minutes tops. All the while she was cold as ice, said 'I am sorry' almost constantly, kept on her shades and couldn't really look me in the eyes.

What am I to make of this? Anyone?

A mixture of things. Guilt. Sadness. Confusion.

You have been apart of her life for 9 years. It's very weird to both of you. My last ex did something similar to me as well. Very cold and aloof, but she wanted the meeting for some unknown reason.

What I WOULDNT do is read into it. She broke up with you for a reason. Whatever that reason is....is really hers. You'll probably never know the real reason. You need to stay away and not contact her. If you continue the cycle of talking, staying around...its going to get worse I assure you. MUCH worse.

July 4, 2014

I am actually thinking of sending her an email saying:

"I was actually happy to see you but the way you treated me reminded me of all the other times during our relationship you treated me like crap. Don't call me anymore. Stay out of my life, good riddance."

Should I send that or should I go NC once more and wait it out to see what happens?

July 4, 2014

I am actually thinking of sending her an email saying:

"I was actually happy to see you but the way you treated me reminded me of all the other times during our relationship you treated me like crap. Don't call me anymore. Stay out of my life, good riddance."

Should I send that or should I go NC once more and wait it out to see what happens?

No, not at all. Don't say a word. What she did was completely typical and you should not be all emotive and goofy about it. What your meeting showed was that you should not be having meetings and talking at all. Go No Contact, and stay No Contact. Going No Contact "until she sends me something" isn't No Contact at all.

I would guess that the vast majority of dumpees had their dumpers act in the way your ex acted to them. I know mine did the first time I saw her after the break. And, unfortunately for me, it lasted much more than seven minutes -- it was nearly five hours of cold, grumpy behavior. So you're lucky that she decided to leave early instead of acting like that for an extended period of time.

July 4, 2014

OK, but if I stay NC then how (if at all) can I expect to maybe reconcile and 'get her back'? Or are you saying with NC at all and no meetings at all that basically I walk away for good?

July 4, 2014

OK, but if I stay NC then how (if at all) can I expect to maybe reconcile and 'get her back'? Or are you saying with NC at all and no meetings at all that basically I walk away for good?

You aren't going to "get her back" by continuing to be there. It's up for her to come back, she's the one who broke it. You aren't going to manipulate her into coming back by saying the perfect thing at a perfect time. This isn't the movies -- this is real life.

And you should stick with No Contact to give yourself a) a chance to recover from this and b) a chance to start a new relationship, whether it be with someone else, or with her after a long, extended time away. You don't want to go back to this relationship, it's dead, it failed, it's over, kaput. Going back to this particular relationship without time away from each other is basically going to result in this relationship fizzling out again.

Plus, answering her and agreeing to meet with her like a emotional, lovelorn puppy isn't going to build attraction. Being ready to drop everything to be at her beck and call isn't the least bit attractive. It's needy and clingy and will provoke reactions like you got tonight. She can't miss you if you don't go away.

July 4, 2014

I got you but my confusion comes in when you say full pledge NC. How can we possibly reconnect, even after a long time apart, if I never respond? I am not understanding that part.

July 4, 2014

I got you but my confusion comes in when you say full pledge NC. How can we possibly reconnect, even after a long time apart, if I never respond? I am not understanding that part.

You don't respond unless she says "I made a mistake and want you back", or until you are at the point where you truly don't give a crap either way if you ever are in a relationship with her again. Even if she says "I miss you", that's not good enough -- "I miss you" does not mean "I want to be with you." It usually means "I miss having you there to give me emotional support and make me feel better about myself, therefore I'm going to try to get that without giving you what you want."

Either way, what you are doing now sucks.

July 4, 2014

My girlfriend of 9 years dumped me out of the blue 3 weeks ago. Since then we've had a bit of texting going back and forth mostly initiated by her.

This morning she texts me that she wants to meet me after work. I agreed. She tells me to meet her around 4:30 pm because she's getting out from work early.

As soon as I see her in the parking lot of the place where we met I can see her face is like stone. She sees me, comes up to me and gives me a quick hug that is more like a quick tap on the shoulder.

Immediately she tells me "Sorry, can't stay long, sorry, sorry." We go inside the establishment. She doesn't want anything to drink or eat and again apologizes for only having a few minutes to spare. She says she needs to be back at work because tomorrow (4th of july) is a holiday and her boss is coming to the office on Monday.

All the while she doesn't crack a smile. She keeps her sunglasses on. Then she asks me how I am doing once again with a face as cold as ice. I try to stay calm,lighthearted,relaxed and confident. I tell her a joke to try and loosen her up a bit. She barely cracks a smile.

Then she says she needs to go and once again says 'I am sorry' several times. She says 'maybe we can meet again some other time, somewhere else'. Then she asks me to go outside with her to the parking lot because she needs to leave. In the parking lot she gives me the same hug she gave me earlier, walks to her car and drives off.

The entire meeting lasted perhaps 7 minutes tops. All the while she was cold as ice, said 'I am sorry' almost constantly, kept on her shades and couldn't really look me in the eyes.

What am I to make of this? Anyone?

Guilt and/or some satisfaction to see how you are faring w/o her. It all seems senseless to me.

She may also be trying very hard to keep it together and hoping that you would say something of great significance. It didn't happen...she left.

9-yrs....Ugh.

July 4, 2014

Alright. I am clear now and honestly, I actually already am at a place within myself that I don't give a crap if she takes me back or not. I must admit though that up until two days ago I was still hopeful. 9 years is a long time to be with someone and I truly loved her.

I had already came to the conclusion to let her go and forget about her a few days ago because of somethings she said and I certainly feel that way because of tonight's meeting. Beside I really no good at handling that yoyoing attitude where one day she all nice to me, talks to me forever and tells me all sort of stories, laughs and seemingly has a blast with me, only to treat me like crap the next time she calls me.

I didn't ask her to meet me, she asked me. I wasn't expecting her to be all over me during our meeting, I simply wanted to hang out, nothing more. I thought that's what she wanted to do as well. I gave her no reason to act the way she did. I didn't bring up the past, didn't talk about us, didn't ask her to come back, nothing like that at all.

Her attitude towards today, showed me a sight of herself that is quit honestly 'disturbing'. I am hurt by the breakup as much as she is, probably even more because she dumped me out of the clear blue. Yet I didn't treat her like crap today,wasn't cold as ice towards her. Instead I was courteous and upbeat without overstepping any boundaries.. The truth is that I loved her dearly and like anybody else, I made some mistakes during our relationship, as did she. Just like most other people do in their relationships; nothing out the ordinary.

I know it's only been 3 weeks since we broke up, still that's no reason for her to treat me the way she did today, regardless of how she feels inside, what emotions she may have going on, confusion or guilt. A relationship is a two way street.

I am hurt by the breakup too, much more than she seems to realize. Yet I don't treat her like crap because I understand how she feels inside ... I only have to look at myself to understand that.

So maybe this meeting today was a blessing in disguise making me realize to forget about her completely and move on. 9 years is a long time to spend with someone and letting go won't be easy, especially since I truly loved her, but it seems to me that's exactly what I need to do.

July 4, 2014

I got you but my confusion comes in when you say full pledge NC. How can we possibly reconnect, even after a long time apart, if I never respond? I am not understanding that part.

Along with what Simon has said, read Tara's No-Contact Guide to answer any other questions you have.

Trust me, don't send that e-mail/message that makes you look bitter. It's not something you want to do and in the future you'll probably plant your face into your palm wondering why you did that, if you did.

July 4, 2014

Thanks. I've decided to take your advice and not send the email. I will just quietly disappear and leave it at that.

Just amazing though that a person can just dump you after spending 9 years together as a couple, walk away with seemingly no remorse, guilt or regret and still treats you like crap afterwards.

It's a tough pill to swallow and it really makes you wonder if such individual was actually really in love with you or just playing you all along....

July 4, 2014

I read the entire NC guide. Thanks for the link. The one thing not being addressed is that although I am the one being dumped, I am also the one being blamed for the breakup and thus my ex is in an ego state that she expect me to crawling back to her as appose she to me because as she sees it "I caused her to break up with me".

July 4, 2014

After reading the NC guide I have come to the conclusion it's better for me to stay single period. Who needs this kind of aggravation? This is the second time around I've been taken for a major spin by women. The first one dumped me after giving her my love, my money, my devotion, my commitment, my entire being for five years. My recent ex dumped me after 9 years of me being there for her through thick and thin. Not worth the hassle.

July 4, 2014

"She may also be trying very hard to keep it together and hoping that you would say something of great significance. It didn't happen...she left.

9-yrs....Ugh."

Don't insinuate when you don't know. I did say something of great significance to her and it was supposed to have taken place this October. She was all excited about that and looking forward to it, at least so she made me believe.

Yet for reasons I simply do not know she decides to end it 3 months before the event.

Anyhow, past is past, gone is gone. What's done has been done. Can't change it and have no desire to change it.

I wish her the best.

Thanks again for the responses.

July 4, 2014

After reading the NC guide I have come to the conclusion it's better for me to stay single period. Who needs this kind of aggravation? This is the second time around I've been taken for a major spin by women. The first one dumped me after giving her my love, my money, my devotion, my commitment, my entire being for five years. My recent ex dumped me after 9 years of me being there for her through thick and thin. Not worth the hassle.

Everyone should be perfectly happy living single but some individuals actually prefer living single. It's ultimately up to you because it's your preference and your life. I'd say wait until you've completely healed, your life is going great, then at that point you can evaluate what a relationship would bring to you.

As for the blame issue, I suppose it's just me but I have never cared if any of my exes talked badly about me. Unless it somehow impacts my life, friends, or family, it doesn't concern me for good reasons.

July 8, 2014

My ex dumped me a little over 3 weeks ago. We were together for more than nine years. After dumping me, she immediately blocked me from her FB page but left my friendship status with her son, who was just one year old when we started dating and who I raised as my own for the past 9 years.

Now, almost a month after dumping me, I am still blocked on her FB page but she's updating her son's page with pictures of her 'having fun with another guy'.

I am still accessing her son's page because he and I grew very close and he was clearly hurt by us breaking up. I wanted to continue to be part of his life but am wondering now if I should, considering she's using his page to 'keep me posted of what she's doing'?

How would you handle this situation?

July 8, 2014

I would still be there for the son but I would do whatever you have to do to make FB stop putting the "son's" posts in your feed.

July 8, 2014

She is just rebounding and sticking it to you.Its only been three weeks let the dust settle.My breakup was messy too long to explain but my advice which I wish I followed myself is don't get jealous or angry and wish her well, go no contact as much as you can.

July 8, 2014

I would remove her son from your contact and just stay NC. She broke up with you, it's up to her to deal with her family. If her son asks you why? Tell him the honest answer that it's best for you, and nothing against him. If down the road after you can confidently feel alright with seeing her move on and knowing she has a different life, and you are compelled to get back in touch with her and her son, so be it and do it then. Keeping her son in your life, even just via FB, may hinder your progress, as evident by this situation.

July 8, 2014

That means I would have to block him. We use FB to talk with each other. This week he turns 11 and I used FB today to wish him a happy BD. That's when I saw the pictures of her with this guy at her house during the 4th july party. She's hugging him and seemingly is enjoying herself and him.

Just don't know how to block this without 'unfriending' her son. The boy is really attached to me and I am to him. This actually hurts more than the breakup.

July 8, 2014

That means I would have to block him. We use FB to talk with each other. This week he turns 11 and I used FB today to wish him a happy BD. That's when I saw the pictures of her with this guy at her house during the 4th july party. She's hugging him and seemingly is enjoying herself and him.

Just don't know how to block this without 'unfriending' her son. The boy is really attached to me and I am to him. This actually hurts more than the breakup.

Ahh. I can see how it's different if you're attached as well. Use another means of communication, like skype or something where you're not forced to see pictures and what not and you can just talk to him.

July 8, 2014

Yeah, no more contact with the son. It'll just confuse the issue more. If he asks, tell the truth, but although you love the kid, keeping in contact with him -- on social media or anywhere else -- will hinder your recovery.

July 8, 2014

That means I would have to block him. We use FB to talk with each other. This week he turns 11 and I used FB today to wish him a happy BD. That's when I saw the pictures of her with this guy at her house during the 4th july party. She's hugging him and seemingly is enjoying herself and him.

Just don't know how to block this without 'unfriending' her son. The boy is really attached to me and I am to him. This actually hurts more than the breakup.

You can right-click on his name in your friend list and click "Block News Feed" from there. That will stop his status updates from showing up. Of course, that won't do you much good if you click on his page.

July 8, 2014

I would filter my news feed. Meaning, the next time you see a post from her son click the little arrow in the upper right hand corner it will drop down and give you the option to stop seeing that person's posts on your news feed. Anytime you want to see how her son is doing then just send him a private message. Is he 9 or 10? Does his mother control his FB?? If so, just stay away. I wouldn't delete him from FB but I would definitely take him off my news feed.

Sorry for your situation. Good luck!

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Ex Plays Mind Games? [update]

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