shammysheldon Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 So here is my story I am currently suffering from depression and anxiety and have had two weeks off work from it. My appearance has not been touched, I look,feel and smell awful. I have also lost a lot of weight and my bones stickout on my hips ect. My boyfriend of two and a half years has stopped being intimate with me the past few months. He will only kiss me goodbye when he goes to work and thats it. When he gets home he will go upstairs on his computer or just watch tv and not speak to me. When I try to talk to him he is not listening and I end up having to repeat myself The other day I was trying to sort the household chores out despite feeling pretty awful and even when I asked for help he didnt. He was busy trying to "fix" the security camera for his car, which didnt need fixing by the way. He wont spend any time with me anymore. I have tried to talk to him about how he feels about my depression ect and weight loss to see if that is the problem but nothing. Even when I manage to drag myself to the shower, put makeup on and make myself look decent as well as cook him a lovely meal for when he comes in from work I get nothing in return. I just need to know what I am doing wrong. Its been nearly two and a half weeks now since we have "made love" and even longer since he kissed me more then just a peck. I feel like my self esteem has hit the floor and feel worthless
d0nnivain Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Showering regularly is a good start. Next time you have the energy to get yourself together & cook, jump him. He'll get the hint. You aren't' worthless but he is probably trying not to make you feel worse by avoiding you. He doesn't realize that is making it worse. 1
AnyaNova Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 This may sound like strange advice, but it might be worth a try. I suspect he probably feels a lot of unspoken pressure from you for him to provide you with attention. And given the way men's minds often work, he unconsciously rebels against something that doesn't seem like an idea that came from him. I think it is possible he may feel like he is responsible for filling the hole the depression has caused in you, which he knows he can never actually do, and so he withdraws to avoid both the pain and the pressure from knowing that he can't make you happy. When he gets home next time, already be showered, dressed to look nice, and made up. Bonus points if you can have the apartment cleaned and organized, as well as an easy dinner ready to prepare. But don't even speak of these things. In fact, when he gets home, don't acknowledge him at all. Not meanly. Not as if you are passive aggressively ignoring him or giving him the silent treatment. Instead, when he comes home, whatever activity fills you with the most joy (even if it can't and doesn't right now) whether it is crochet, knitting, painting, playing the piano, writing a book, writing poetry...whatever...the goal here is not that you pretend to be so engrossed in it you really don't notice he's come home. The idea here is that you actually are so engrossed in your activity. You are making yourself happy, or at least working on trying to make yourself happy. Don't jump up and start to make supper when he comes home. Don't do anything except continue to do this activity that makes you happy, or at least, at the present moment with your depression, occupies you. At some point, when the usual patterns don't play out and perhaps he starts to see that you are making an effort to fill your own empty places, he probably will come to you. Do NOT break and try and go to him before he comes to you. This will not work. And don't get roped into a fight if he wants to get pissy about you not jumping up to get dinner. Just keep doing what you are doing. Otherwise the old patterns will restart again. The idea is to create new ones. I suspect when he starts to realize that something new and different is up, the approach he will bring when he approaches you, will be positive. And when he comes to you, it is important that you show him true, genuine acceptance. Smile at him. Open your body language to him. See what happens next.
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