After 21 years I am considering leaving

[Underfoot]

I am 43 years old and I have been married for 21 years to my wife. We have three children and we have always been faithful to each other. I dearly love my wife, but over the past 20 years she has hurt me many times. I now find myself growing bitter and resenting her because I feel like I have been used and abused because I love her so much. Today, I struggle to find a reason to be with her and I look at my children as the only reason I stay. I fear becoming an angry bitter old man full of regret, so I am trying to find a solution.

 

To start off, I should have walked away from my wife after we got married and I discovered that she had lied to me about some of her male friends. Before we got married, I sat down and talked with her about who I was and who I am now. I was open and honest thus giving her an opportunity to decide if she truly wanted to marry a man who had been engaged twice. I was engaged to one of her friends years previously and somehow we never meet. I did not boast or brag about the mistakes I made and I was not a womanizer. I respected women as equals and was a gentleman as much as I could be. To make a long story short, she flat out lied to me about some of her adventures with three men. I was told they are just my friends who I dated briefly, nothing happened. One of the friends she decided to invite to our wedding whom she performed oral sex on several times as written down in her journal that I accidently discovered when I was helping her dad clean out his basement full of my wife’s old boxed junk. When I read these words written by her own hand (we had not been married 6 months), my heart broke. I broke down and cried not because of her past, but because she lied to me about these people. I read all her dairies and letters before confronting her. I picked a day when we both were off work and I brought the evidence with me. When I confronted her she got all defensive claiming that I deserved better than what she was which is why she lied. She said something to the effect of,”I was like a rusted wagon that was painted to look new. I just wanted to give you something better.” I was stunned and hurt. I told her that she deceived me and how could I trust her when she built out foundation on lies? I almost sought to get our marriage annulled because I felt violated and used. I was misled and then told that it was done because she loved me. I struggle with this for about a month. I reasoned that I could forgive her because I had fallen madly in love with her. Part of my influence was I came from a family in which divorce was considered terrible. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and my parents had only been married once. I did not want to be the black sheep. I was 22 years old when I made this decision and as you will see it was one that lead to worse problems for me.

 

When I married my wife she was 5 foot tall and a nice 108 pounds. She had an hour glass figure with “c” breast. She was very attractive woman with an even better inner self. After I found out she lied, the next several months was hard at times. I just pushed it out of my mind until the day she told me that she no longer wanted to perform oral sex. I asked why after two years you decided this. Then she tells me that she never really liked it. I brought up her past and asked, “Why would you deny your husband something I truly enjoy but do it for guys who was not your husband?” She replied,” I did it for them because I felt I had too to keep them.” I blew up! I was so angry and hurt! She told me that I was not like them and she feels that she can stop doing it. My heart sank to my feet. I was yet again confronted by her lies and now she is telling me that something I truly enjoy was also a guilt trip lie done to keep me around! Needless to say this got ugly. I got up out of the bed and told her I was feed up. She followed me in the living room and sat on the couch with me. We had no children at this point in our marriage. I remember sitting on the couch trying to reason with her. I was hurt and angry. I told her that I felt like I was being used because I am a faithful husband who loves her more than I can express. I truly tried to reason with her but she kept saying the same thing. It was then that in my mind I started questioning other things about her. I told her that since you can do this for your old boyfriends and you lied to me about them, then you can at least do it for me because it’s something you know I enjoy doing with you. She blew up screaming at me. She ran to the bed room. She came back into the room and threw a ceramic statue and me. It missed thankfully but put a nice hole in the wall. I just left the house. I considered divorcing her again. After things cooled off, I talked to her and told her how I felt. She apologized and things seemed to be back to normal. Sexually, things were fine again but her words haunted my thoughts. It would be off and on good and bad for the next three years because she would make excuses and just tell me she was sorry.

 

After five years we had our first child. I had not thought about the earlier issues for something and I thought we were beyond the problems. During the pregnancy, my 115 pound wife ballooned to 190. I was concerned because I thought the pregnancy caused the problems. We had had issues fussing for years and now her weight made her paranoid. I could not speak to another woman around her without being accused of not wanting her anymore. I just thought it was hormones and I was there to help her and reassure her that I loved her. The problems started between us after our first child was around a year old. I noticed that she has started getting lazy and I was doing everything. I talked to her and asked her to join me exercising and doing choirs. At this time I was the only one working and she stayed at home. To make a long story short, she just got bigger and lazier not matter what I did. We got into it one night over her eating because literally she ate twice what I was eating as a 6 ft. 185 pound man. I was told that I needed to just deal with what I had and be content with my situation. I felt the same issues coming up again. This time we had a child and I felt like she was using my morals about marriage and children against me. She got very nasty with me and telling me that she was a good faithful wife who was not perfect. She reminded me that I needed to accept her and be happy that she loves me the way she does. After our second child, it seemed to get better with her weight. She got down to around 125-130 which was fine with me. I prefer a little thickness with a full figure anyway, so I was not unhappy. With the new look, she wanted to go to college to be a RN. I worked and struggled with bills so that she could pursue her goals. I put off my management degree so that she could finish school because I thought it would be better for our family for her to get her degree first. Things were fine for the most part but then she started being lazy again. Our third child was not planned and because of our convictions against abortion, we could not simply stop the pregnancy. She took a semester out of school during the last 8 months of her pregnancy. When our last child was born, I told her to go back to school and I would take care of the kids and choirs. I did everything within my power to give her the opportunity that her desired since high school. I even left my job and lived off savings for about two years so that I could be mother and father to our children. I thought this was going to work but her old attitude and self-pity party came back with a vengeance. Now that we had three children and she had acquired a degree and gained a professional job, oh hell…it was on now. I was working part time at the time. She started treating me like crap and attacking me verbally about how I always get what I want and she has to give and give. I was thinking, “What the hell?” I told her that I had sacrificed much of who I was to give her a way to be what she wanted to be and I even left my good job to raise our children. She had gotten huge again up to around 230 pounds! All this crap just kept building. Lucky for me my former employer called and offered me my job back which thrilled me. Now the next three years are unbelievable. She told me that she wanted to lose weight but gave nothing but excuses when I asked her about her weight gains. There was no effort to cut back on eating and she even lazier than before now that she was working. I spent thousands on equipment she asked for to exercise. When I bought her a Total Gym that she wanted, she got on it once and said that she could not use it because she was too short. I started using the equipment and when I started losing weight she started complaining that it was easy for me to lose weight but hard for me. I was thinking,” I make the effort”. I was 218 due to some real medical issues and I worked down to 205 which I think looked good on my 6ft medium build. All I got was targeted from her because of my weight. Instead of making the effort to work with me, she just made hateful remarks.

 

I wanted to take my children to the Renaissance fair and dress up to role play, I asked her would this be a vacation she would like to do. I’ve always liked role playing in D&D and Medieval culture. Instead of simply saying no, she exploded into this rant me calling her a troll and only going there to see my dream girls. I was again just beside myself. I again tried to be the peace maker and insisted that I never called her a troll. I am not sure where this came from but in her mind I must have called her a troll. I just scratched off the idea and told my oldest son we would do it one year.

 

I love my wife and I love my children. As I look at her today at 5 foot tall and 248 pounds I am ashamed to be seen with her. I find myself not interested in her at all and I do not want to see her naked or have sex with her. Her body disgust me and I do not want to touch her. One top of the lies, the years of abuse, and feeling I was being used because of my moral beliefs, I feel very bitter today. I am caught between staying because of my children and risk becoming a hateful bitter man or leaving and then worrying about what type of man she might bring around my daughter and sons if I get a divorce. I really wish she would just sign our children over to me and I would raise them the same way I have for the past 15 years. She could have everything else I own, just give me my children. I know this is long but I don’t know what to do. The really bad thing for me is I meet a Chinese woman at a Chinese restaurant who took interest in me when she was waiting on me. For the first time in 21 years, I actually pondered seeking an active role in talking to another woman. I did not because I am married and it would be dishonest for me to deceive people. But the fact is she got my attention because she was kind, looked like she cared what her body looked like, and I assume around my age. I guess what I am saying is I don’t know what to do. I wish I had walked away from this liar after I found those notes. I wished I had annulled our marriage and not let my blind misguided feelings hinder my better judgment. Today I sit in front of this PC as a broken bitter man who feels trapped because I love my wife still and love my children far more than I love her. At 43 I feel I have been used and I allowed it.

 

All three of my children are slim and in shape. I have instilled good eating habits and most importantly a very active life style. The eye sore in my family is my obese wife who stands out like a huge zit when she is around us. Literally, my 16 year old son and I could hide behind her if we wanted to. I do not go to the beach or lake with her because she wants to put on a bathing suit….yuck! When she was 108-135 oh hell yea, but at 248 oh hell no!

 

I did not share this to get pity or to say I am perfect without fault. I just wanted to get if off my chest and get some opinions. I work and make the effort to keep my body in shape even though I have some health issues. I am not skinny but I have a solid build that I work to keep in shape. I try to stay around 200-205 which is what I like because like. I just wish my wife cared enough about herself and me to make the effort to stay small. I can forgive her lies but the bigger she gets the worse her attitude and the more I reflect on her dishonesty.

 

All of the above I have talked, pleaded, and begged her to address and change. I am about to just separate and be done with it. The biggest issue I have on top of her laziness and lack of caring for her health, is her attitude and hateful ways.

 

Sincerely,

 

Underfoot

 

A husband who is broken.

Edited July 8, 2014 by Underfoot

[Mr. Lucky]

All three of my children are slim and in shape. I have instilled good eating habits and most importantly a very active life style. The eye sore in my family is my obese wife who stands out like a huge zit when she is around us.

I just wonder, if one of your children wasn't "slim and in shape", would you love them any less ??? Is the love they receive from you conditional upon their weight?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Underfoot]

Mr. Lucky,

 

What I trying to say is that my children are taught to be active and eat within reason. If I had a child with a weight issue I would love them the same. I love them enough to instill healthy habits while they are young. What they become when they are out of my care, I cannot help but will love the same.

[Priv]

One of the friends she decided to invite to our wedding whom she performed oral sex on several times as written down in her journal that I accidently discovered when I was helping her dad clean out his basement full of my wife’s old boxed junk. When I read these words written by her own hand (we had not been married 6 months), my heart broke.

 

 

Well, I can understand you were hurt about the lying. And I am not too big on casual sex either, but to annul a marriage over a BJ she did before you met. Really?!?

 

 

 

After I found out she lied, the next several months was hard at times. I just pushed it out of my mind until the day she told me that she no longer wanted to perform oral sex. I asked why after two years you decided this. Then she tells me that she never really liked it. I brought up her past and asked, “Why would you deny your husband something I truly enjoy but do it for guys who was not your husband?” She replied,” I did it for them because I felt I had too to keep them.” I blew up! I was so angry and hurt!

 

 

You do realize she got put off oral sex because it almost cost her a marriage? Perhaps if you didn't blow up you would have enjoyed them till this day.

 

 

 

I considered divorcing her again. After things cooled off, I talked to her and told her how I felt. She apologized and things seemed to be back to normal. Sexually, things were fine again but her words haunted my thoughts. It would be off and on good and bad for the next three years because she would make excuses and just tell me she was sorry.

 

Considering a divorce because your wife, the woman you supposedly love, does not like BJ's. Again, really?!? No wonder she blew up too and started throwing things.

 

During the pregnancy, my 115 pound wife ballooned to 190.

 

Women tend to gain weight while pregnant.

 

 

 

The problems started between us after our first child was around a year old. I noticed that she has started getting lazy and I was doing everything. I talked to her and asked her to join me exercising and doing choirs. At this time I was the only one working and she stayed at home. To make a long story short, she just got bigger and lazier not matter what I did. We got into it one night over her eating because literally she ate twice what I was eating as a 6 ft. 185 pound man. I was told that I needed to just deal with what I had and be content with my situation. I felt the same issues coming up again. This time we had a child and I felt like she was using my morals about marriage and children against me. She got very nasty with me and telling me that she was a good faithful wife who was not perfect. She reminded me that I needed to accept her and be happy that she loves me the way she does.

 

 

She sounds like a stress eater. Props to you for trying to her to exercise, but I think at this point not only you but she too was unhappy and felt unappreciated.

 

 

 

 

I even left my job and lived off savings for about two years so that I could be mother and father to our children. I thought this was going to work but her old attitude and self-pity party came back with a vengeance. Now that we had three children and she had acquired a degree and gained a professional job, oh hell…it was on now. I was working part time at the time. She started treating me like crap and attacking me verbally about how I always get what I want and she has to give and give. I was thinking, “What the hell?” I told her that I had sacrificed much of who I was to give her a way to be what she wanted to be and I even left my good job to raise our children.

 

Pretty great thing you did, giving up your job so she could go back to school. And ugly how she turned that around and truly unfair. But for some reason I think if she posted we get the same story in reverse, about all the sacrifces made for each other.

 

 

When she was 108-135 oh hell yea, but at 248 oh hell no!

 

QUOTE]

 

 

I don't disagree with you. Would be a deal breaker for me. That would definitely be waaay too much. But like I said earlier, she sounds like a stress eater, and she feels pressured by you.

 

 

I don't know man. I have never been married, so maybe some people who have been married for 20+ years could chip in, but you 2 sound f*cking miserable together and bring out the worst in each other.

[Mr. Lucky]

What they become when they are out of my care, I cannot help but will love the same.

The I'd guess your wife would also hope your love would be less conditional.

 

My wife has also gained a substantial amount of weight through three kids over the course of our marriage. I've chosen to love her for what she is - supportive and loving - rather than what she isn't - thin.

 

I can understand that approach may not work for all...

 

Mr. Lucky

[underpants]

Why don't you do this.

 

See an attorney and get some sound legal advice. This is a good thing no matter what you eventually decide. Go further and have a seperation agreement drawn up.

 

Present her with it along with a letter stating your concerns.

 

Rubber meet road.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Divorce her and set her free so she can find a man who will love and respect her, not hold her past against her.

 

Did you not have sex or oral sex in your past before you met your wife? Yeah so you read her diary (shame on you for invading her privacy) and you found stuff about her.

 

How you've belittled your wife, isn't nice. Maybe she is ashamed that she gave BJ's in the past and isn't comfortable with it, views as dirty. Who knows, but did you ask her? Have an honest conversation with her?

 

Actually it sounds like your wife stopped looking after herself and is depressed. Maybe she suffered from PPD after having the baby and it wasn't diagnosed. The weight gain, the no desire to do anything and losing her zest for life, becoming paranoid etc. She needs help so at least as the mother of your child, get her to the Dr so she can have full physical.