Terms of reconciling

[Red123]

More important than MC is if he tells her the truth. If he doesn't than R will be very difficult. If/when he tells the whole truth and is actually willing to do the work and stay NC with you they may have a chance. I found when my H told the whole truth he changed. He was no longer keeping a secret life and honestly once exposed, stated out loud, he was so ashamed and couldn't believe how fake it was. I'm not saying that is the case with you, but was our experience. He also really saw the devastation he created in our lives. If the mm really wants to work on his m he will need to work hard. MC is helping us, but the trust isn't there yet.

[gettingstronger]

You're not been chastised, you are being told to focus on you as soon as you can. This is advice from those that have been there, done that and have learned that when you put you first , the healing begins. It's a long road, and you'll hurt for a while, but you are worth every minute you spend on you.

[Spectre]

The fact he has spoken to you at all means he isn't serious about fixing his marriage.

[BrokenPrincess]

Hippety, yes you need to focus on yourself and stop worrying about the state of his M, but don't worry, it will happen with some time. When I first came here after my xMMs DDay, I was completely consumed with thoughts of how he was & what was going on at his house. Reading back my thoughts that first month is like reading posts from a stranger. You'll get there too if you go NC. It just takes a little time as you get hit with the initial grief & loss of him being gone from your life.

 

In response to your original question,my xMM & his BS didn't even do half of those things Owl listed. He never told her the truth about the extent of the A (full PA), no full disclosure of details or affair timelines, no IC or MC. He agreed to absolute NC but broke it a few times after long stretches, including a burner phone, secret shared email account, and a couple in person meetings after DDay. He & his BS do not discuss the A.

 

But despite all that, he is truly done now, has been NC and moved on, and they are happily R. It's been 2 years since DDay. Your guy isn't ready to fully end it with you & also doesn't want to be the bad guy. When he's fully committed to his M, he'll go NC and yes they can R without the full truth or MC. It may not be the epitome of a perfect marriage but obviously he's happy with her or he would leave.

[Spark1111]

My H also told his OW he needed to fix his marriage and she gave him the space to do so.

 

What he did NOT tell her is that I had thrown him out to be with her after discovering romantic texts between them.

 

I too did not check his phone, nor care if they were in contact because I was sure I would divorce him.

 

He begged me not to. He begged me to take him back, and I am pretty sure that initially, he did not inform her of my fury or how resolved I was to let him go....be with her if that is what he chose.

 

My point here?

 

be careful of what you are told and believe maybe half of that.

 

Concentrate on you and what you want.

 

I'm sorry you are in pain.

[spookysonata]

I'm sorry I'm hurting and in grief and using a forum to ask questions that are going through my head right now.

 

Understood. But wondering what's going on in their marriage isn't going to help you heal. It's between the two of them, and always was.

[underwater2010]

My first rule...Any contact with MOW was grounds for divorce.

 

He is still sneaking.

[RightThere]

My question: for those reconciling/reconciled, did your WS still keep in contact with the AP?

 

Yes, my WW did/does keep in contact with the OM. And no, it is not OK.

 

Is this a true reconciliation he's planning on having, or is he just going with the flow to make her happy and then try and shimmy his way back?

 

You are totally right. It is not real reconciliation. It's fake reconciliation. He's going to put "some" effort into his marriage, but he's also going to keep you emotionally available for him so he doesn't have to be totally emotionally committed to his wife.

 

In my texts to him, I brought up that I hope he does this for himself to make him happy--he never once addressed that.

 

It's a very common reaction that the WS feels like they need to try and reconcile out of fear, but still keep their emotional (and often physical) attachment to you.

 

Until he decides on either you or her, you and his wife are just getting strung along for the ride.

[hippetyhop]

Yes, my WW did/does keep in contact with the OM. And no, it is not OK.

 

 

 

You are totally right. It is not real reconciliation. It's fake reconciliation. He's going to put "some" effort into his marriage, but he's also going to keep you emotionally available for him so he doesn't have to be totally emotionally committed to his wife.

 

 

 

It's a very common reaction that the WS feels like they need to try and reconcile out of fear, but still keep their emotional (and often physical) attachment to you.

 

Until he decides on either you or her, you and his wife are just getting strung along for the ride.

 

Thank you for your post.

 

I asked him yesterday if he was certain I wouldn't cause any issues with his attempt to save it with us talking. He said yes--its fine if we do.

 

That is what I don't understand-if you don't plan on 100% fixing it to be emotionally and physically vested with someone-let them go. In my texts to him the other day, I told him I hope he's doing this for him and that it is what makes him happy. He never replied to that.

 

When he told me they were 'trying to save it' and in a text he said he has to try, that didn't sound too reassuring to me that he was in it 100% for the ride. I may be misinterpreting it wrong, but it didn't sound too convincing that he wants too--that he's doing it mainly to appease her. I could be totally wrong though and he actually wants to.

 

Either let me go or let her go. Obviously, its easier to let me go than her.

 

I posted on the other thread how I am making my exit. After his one word answers the other day, I never replied back. I'm not going to. I'll let him focus on his reconciliation attempts. I genuinely hope their M works out.

Edited July 10, 2014 by hippetyhop

[Snowflower]

Thank you for your post.

 

I asked him yesterday if he was certain I wouldn't cause any issues with his attempt to save it with us talking. He said yes--its fine if we do.

 

Of course he is going to say that it is fine if the two of you keep talking. He gets to keep the status quo that way.

 

Cheating men seem to really like to do this. He gets to continue talking to you because it is cool and fun for him to do so. In addition, he gets to hang out with his wife because OTOH, she is also cool and fun for him to do things with.

 

He gets the best of both worlds. Why in the world would he stop?

 

That is what I don't understand-if you don't plan on 100% fixing it to be emotionally and physically vested with someone-let them go. In my texts to him the other day, I told him I hope he's doing this for him and that it is what makes him happy. He never replied to that.

 

Of course he didn't reply because you asked him the wrong question. So, he blew you off. He didn't want to answer.

 

I bet if his wife asked him that question face to face (which, face it, is easier for her to do), he would give her some type of placating response.

 

He is acting like a jerk to both you and his wife.

When he told me they were 'trying to save it' and in a text he said he has to try, that didn't sound too reassuring to me that he was in it 100% for the ride. I may be misinterpreting it wrong, but it didn't sound too convincing that he wants too--that he's doing it mainly to appease her. I could be totally wrong though and he actually wants to.

 

Does she know about his affair with you? My apologies, I can't remember your specifics.

 

And again, of course he is going to make it sound all not convincing to you that he is trying to save it. How would it sound if he told you he was 100% committed to her and saving the marriage?

 

For one, saying this would make it less likely that you would hang around and he knows this. It wouldn't be worth it to you.

 

Secondly, it makes him look like the bad guy to say he is working on it with her and still talking to you. He wants to come out of this smelling like a rose.

 

And third, if he can make it sound like he is doing this just because she wants to, well it makes it easier for you and him to "hate on" her and make her the bad guy (or girl in this case). He can blame her for it all. It's all so clever of him. I swear, I don't know how these guys all figure it out how to pull this off so well.

Either let me go or let her go. Obviously, its easier to let me go than her.

 

I posted on the other thread how I am making my exit. After his one word answers the other day, I never replied back. I'm not going to. I'll let him focus on his reconciliation attempts. I genuinely hope their M works out.

 

Again, I don't think he wants to let either one of you go. It works much better for him to keep you both, lie to both you and his wife, and keep himself in that comfy place he has set up for himself.

 

I really hope that you do cut him off completely. Unfortunately though, I don't think you will and you will wait for his crumbs that he will toss your direction when the timing is right for him. He knows he has you on the string.

Edited July 10, 2014 by Snowflower

[RightThere]

When he told me they were 'trying to save it' and in a text he said he has to try, that didn't sound too reassuring to me that he was in it 100% for the ride. I may be misinterpreting it wrong, but it didn't sound too convincing that he wants too--that he's doing it mainly to appease her. I could be totally wrong though and he actually wants to.

 

"Trying to save it" just means he's now scared that he lost his safety net. Previously, his wife was his safety net and you were his fun relationship with no commitment.

 

Now the tables are turned. You get to be his safety net in case things don't work out with his wife. If he has a fight with his wife, you get to be his emotional dumping ground for how misunderstood and poorly treated he is.

 

And your instincts are probably right. Often reconciliation is done out of fear of losing the house, access to kids, money, etc. It may have very little to do with being sorry and wanting to rebuild a relationship with his wife.

[nightmare01]

hippityhop

 

your AP is stringing you along. he only has one foot in the M and is just wanting to apprise his BW and let the storm blow over. after that happens he will want to take up with you again.

 

frankly I find this to be despicable behavior.

[Livingeachday]

Having read some of your older posts from January this year this is not the first time he is "trying to save the marriage", put you on the back burner and rekindled the affair later again.

 

Have you ever considered that he uses the "I'm trying to save my marriage" card when he probably just isn't interested that much into you at a certain time for whatever reason? Cause it doesn't seem like he was sincere when he was "trying to save his marriage" before.

 

Just to play devils advocate: From former posts it seems like he has been on online "dating" sites before - that's at least what you said caused the initial suspition of his wife that he was cheating when she was tiped-off on that, right? (Please correct me if I'm wrong) Have you ever considered the possibility that there might be another OW and that he keeps you on rotating cyles? Like if he gets bored with one, he plays the "work on my marriage" card, goes back to the other one, rinse repeat....?

 

Cos nothing in described in your posts makes me believe that he seriously has got an intention to fix his marriage ...there are just too many red flags

 

I seriously don't want to hurt your feelings but something about his "trying to save my marriage" thing while immediately keeping in touch with you really seems off - that's not the behaviour of somebody who really decides to give it a try.

[painfullyobvious]

You will be seriously hurt by the waiting game. Try to move on and not wait for this friendship to play out. You will just continually reopen a wound that never heals. Sounds like he judt wants to play family with his wife until she settles back into a lull and then return to you. That is not healthy for you. You deserve to be a primary person in someones life, not a side or consolation prize. Please try to move on and I am sorry your feelings and life got dragged into someones selfishness

[hippetyhop]

Again, thank you everyone for the replies and well wishes.

 

 

During round 1, we had frequent contact and we had a great EA and PA as he had freedoms. He was able to come/go as he pleased. BS didn’t have him on a leash. After last summer and her suspicions, he put a halt on this after he said he put the guard up himself. We were supposed to meet up one day and she was off of work. He said it was a bad idea just in case she would drive past his work and he wasn’t there.

 

I think the correlation is pretty accurate to say the higher the BS suspicions, the less contact and it comes in patterns. With them actually discussing divorce/splitting, that doesn’t help anything anywhere either. I did think about if there was another OW he’s bouncing around. I think this crosses the minds more often than not during these situations of drifting in/out. He was not active on those sites during the time of our A. I found out of that from a mutual friend. I would be surprised if there was basically because of how scared I think he may be.

 

 

What Rightthere says about him losing his ‘safety net’ I think may be verifiably true. While he lost part of her trust last summer after the first findings, she was still the net. He was able to weasel out of it or somehow reassure her of whatever. However, the initial talk of divorce and whatnot might have turned on a light that hey- she may be serious of wanting to leave so I’ll have to play the good husband card for the time being or really on fixing this.

 

 

 

I’d be very surprised if he was serious of trying to save the M. I think this is more than a regular storm—I think this is a tsunami they have to clean up. However, that is between them. I’m not going to do anything to hinder their attempts.

 

 

 

As much as it hurts, I am moving on. I have absolutely no inclination to reach out to him. He is probably relieved about that.

[seren]

Sometimes the MP will keep contact for fear the AP will spill the beans when they haven't, sort of keeping the OW sweet, so to speak. I would forget about their reconciliation, if it is over, it's over and no further contact. I hope you will, at some point, look back on it and be glad it has ended. Block his number and go totally NC, if for no one else but yourself.x