hippetyhop Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I am the OW-- so sorry for trampling in on a side where I'm likely unwanted :/ Last night, xMM told me that he and his wife we're 'trying to save this' (their marriage) and told me we can talk still if I want. After some quasi emotional texts between us, he hopes to hear from me more (the text excerpts are in the OW/OM forum) under "their trying to save their marriage." My question: for those reconciling/reconciled, did your WS still keep in contact with the AP? Is this a true reconciliation he's planning on having, or is he just going with the flow to make her happy and then try and shimmy his way back? I do not plan on initiating any contact first. In my texts to him, I brought up that I hope he does this for himself to make him happy--he never once addressed that.
Timmos Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 If he honestly meant to reconcile, you would be dead to him. 6
snappytomcat Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I am the OW-- so sorry for trampling in on a side where I'm likely unwanted :/ Last night, xMM told me that he and his wife we're 'trying to save this' (their marriage) and told me we can talk still if I want. After some quasi emotional texts between us, he hopes to hear from me more (the text excerpts are in the OW/OM forum) under "their trying to save their marriage." My question: for those reconciling/reconciled, did your WS still keep in contact with the AP? Is this a true reconciliation he's planning on having, or is he just going with the flow to make her happy and then try and shimmy his way back? I do not plan on initiating any contact first. In my texts to him, I brought up that I hope he does this for himself to make him happy--he never once addressed that. hi hippetyhop first please don't think all bs,dislike all ow,affairs hurt so many people the ow/om included. but for us,my husband had to have nc,with her for us to even work out,and he has maintained it,even when she was still trying to get through,and I talked to her last month,and she confirmed this,and I hope shes finally moved on,but sounds like your mm still wants to keep you as the ow,and once the dust settles,continue up with you,and I hope for your sanity you kick his azz to the curb,you deserve way better,and frankly so does his wife. I wish you well,and stay strong 3
gettingstronger Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 He is likely playing both of you. At least you some what have a heads up and can act accordingly. 2
Author hippetyhop Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Snappytomcat--thank you for the reassurance of me posting on the 'other side'. I don't want to overstep my boundaries, but not sure where to ask. Thank you for the wishes, and congratulations on the reconciliation. I wish you and your husband the best. I'm not sure how much BS knows. I think she may think her husband is/was involved, but not sure how much. I do know for a fact that she is very suspicious of my number although she never tried to call. However, he is fine still texting me. From this, I'm not sure how much he's really looking to work towards and save their M and if its just a front for her. I was expecting him to not to want to talk to me at all. 1
Owl Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Most BS's require: 1. Permanent NC with OM/OW...forever. 2. Proof, in the form of a letter/email explaining this to the OW/OM. 3. Full information on all aspects of the affair. How it started, how it was conducted, where/when/why/how...usually over and over again. 4. Full and complete access to all means of communication. Cell phone/email/etc... 5. Full accountability for time, finances, etc... 6. Marriage counseling. 7. The WS must rebuild trust over time by demonstrating trustworthy behavior that the BS can independently observe. Occasionally, a weak BS will foolishly agree to some forms of continued contact with the OW/OM if the WS fights hard and negotiates for it...backs them into a corner. Typically at some point though, the BS catches onto this ploy and puts that to an end. OR...the marriage counselor recognizes this for what it is and does so. 6
Author hippetyhop Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Thank you Owl. These are just questions I have that are coming to mind. What a better place to ask than here, right? I'm not sure how much of this, if anything, they are implementing. All he said was there were 'many things that have to change to make it work but I have to try'. I am not sure what that entails. I doubt there is any type of marriage counseling or full access to emails, etc. He is currently still texting me using his regular cell phone on an account he shares with her. That'll stop though if he is 100% about reconciling. I wonder if his text to me about never seeing me again was part of him fully looking to reconcile.
HermioneG Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Most BS's require: 1. Permanent NC with OM/OW...forever. 2. Proof, in the form of a letter/email explaining this to the OW/OM. 3. Full information on all aspects of the affair. How it started, how it was conducted, where/when/why/how...usually over and over again. 4. Full and complete access to all means of communication. Cell phone/email/etc... 5. Full accountability for time, finances, etc... 6. Marriage counseling. 7. The WS must rebuild trust over time by demonstrating trustworthy behavior that the BS can independently observe. Occasionally, a weak BS will foolishly agree to some forms of continued contact with the OW/OM if the WS fights hard and negotiates for it...backs them into a corner. Typically at some point though, the BS catches onto this ploy and puts that to an end. OR...the marriage counselor recognizes this for what it is and does so. This is precisely right. 1
HermioneG Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Thank you Owl. These are just questions I have that are coming to mind. What a better place to ask than here, right? I'm not sure how much of this, if anything, they are implementing. All he said was there were 'many things that have to change to make it work but I have to try'. I am not sure what that entails. I doubt there is any type of marriage counseling or full access to emails, etc. He is currently still texting me using his regular cell phone on an account he shares with her. That'll stop though if he is 100% about reconciling. I wonder if his text to me about never seeing me again was part of him fully looking to reconcile. You and the BS have something in common - you both deserve more than just part of his attentions. Watch his actions. Recognize that if he treats her this way, he is also capable of treating you this way, should you end up with him. The problem lies with him- and not you, or his wife. Take this as an opportunity to shut the door and run away.
DKT3 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I think the question you should be asking yourself is how much of his crap are you going to put up with before you KNOW you deserve better? His is simply baiting the hook. I doubt his wife knows anything, if she did he wouldn't be communicating with you openly. He would have taken it underground. Sounds to me like he is kinda pulling back and hoping that he doesn't have to be the bad guy and end it. All the while leaving it open for future hookups. You can't control the outcome of his marriage, so spending the time and energy trying to understand will only drive you crazy. 2
Author hippetyhop Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 You and the BS have something in common - you both deserve more than just part of his attentions. Watch his actions. Recognize that if he treats her this way, he is also capable of treating you this way, should you end up with him. The problem lies with him- and not you, or his wife. Take this as an opportunity to shut the door and run away. I do plan on taking this as an opportunity and run. I posted in my previous thread that I do not plan on initiating contact, and if he does contact me--I'll remind him he's working on his marriage although he hopes to hear from me more than every once in awhile (his words). I think he'll take this as an opportunity of that sort.
Davey L Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 You are welcome! Although most of us here are BS, some of us are also WS, and some are OM/OW (I'm all three, come to think of it), so in no position to make any judgement against you. However, from my limited perspective, it seems to me as though he wants to have his cake and eat it - to keep you stringing along as a fall-back option while he half-heartedly works on his marriage. Fine, if that's what you want and are happy with it, and happy with what he's doing to his wife. Otherwise, I'd suggest having nothing more to do with him and just ignore any future correspondence from him.
Red123 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 My H has zero contact with MOW. This is an expectation of mine if he wants to R and it is also his choice. He sent her a NC letter when he and I were split up, and has shown me all contact she has attempted since. She emails his work so he forwards the emails to me. He has told her in response that he wants nothing to do with her and although I do expect it it is also how he feels. This was a pretty short A and they were no friends prior, so there is no need for him to have anything to do with her now that the A has ended. Even if he was friends with her beforehand any contact at this point would be a deal breaker. How can he R with his W when there is still another person in their marriage?
TheBladeRunner Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 My XW wanted to stay "firends" w/ AP........wasn't gonna' happen. For me, in order to R, XW would have had to do complete NC w/ AP and she wasn't willing to do that. Made my decision to file w/in a week of D-Day easy to do.
Author hippetyhop Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 I'm hoping he took my good graces, understanding, and respect of his decision to try to save it as what is needed for him to move on. I'm not expecting to hear from him but who knows if he'll try to contact. I do think she knows the number on the text logs is another woman, but doesn't want to face the music. Do you think they can reconcile without MC?
Owl Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I'm hoping he took my good graces, understanding, and respect of his decision to try to save it as what is needed for him to move on. I'm not expecting to hear from him but who knows if he'll try to contact. I do think she knows the number on the text logs is another woman, but doesn't want to face the music. Do you think they can reconcile without MC? I think that it's possible for couples to reconcile without MC. I don't think that it's likely in this situation, because he maintains contact with you, and because it's sounding very likely that he's not being 100% open and honest with her. MC worked for my wife and I because it was a 'safe neutral ground' where she could be honest without fear or reprisal...and so could I. We both knew that honesty was going to be the only way we could rebuild. Trust was shattered...lies destroy trust, they don't rebuild it. If he doesn't take actions to actually become a trustworthy husband...which would include both being 100% honest about the affair, and ending all contact with you...then the odds of any real improvement/reconciliation are very, very small. 1
Author hippetyhop Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Owl, I'm happy to hear MC worked for you and your wife. I can set a bet and win house in Vegas that he didn't tell her of the A. If anything, I think she assumes and might have thought he was involved, but that is the true extent. Thus, he hasn't been completely honest with her about everything. Not everything has been set on the table. I'm not sure what state this can leave their marriage in.
spookysonata Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I do think she knows the number on the text logs is another woman, but doesn't want to face the music. Do you think they can reconcile without MC? I think you should stop thinking about their relationship and start working on yourself. 3
Author hippetyhop Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 I think you should stop thinking about their relationship and start working on yourself. I'm sorry I'm hurting and in grief and using a forum to ask questions that are going through my head right now. 1
gettingstronger Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I get you are hurting, but give yourself a timeline to stop the what ifs and start your next chapter. Even if you don't stick to it , the process of working towards it will help. Honestly, this guy is playing you and it's totally unfair. Obsess for a bit, wallow for a bit, cry it out and then look out for you and only you. Take care.
Owl Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I'm in no way attacking you, hippety. But I do agree with what the other posters said, and it's what I've been urging you to do. Don't focus on their marriage. Focus instead on YOUR side of the world. 3
Author hippetyhop Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 I know Owl, and I appreciate that. It hasn't even been 24 hours and I'm being told to "move on." Its easier said than done. My apologies for having questions this early on in the game as its foggy and my world is spinning right now.
Owl Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I know Owl, and I appreciate that. It hasn't even been 24 hours and I'm being told to "move on." Its easier said than done. My apologies for having questions this early on in the game as its foggy and my world is spinning right now. Nothing wrong with questions...and your timeline is your own to manage and live with. I push because I know it's not an easy decision...it's much easier to sit there indecisive and do nothing...but that also GETS you nothing. Most often, its actually making a choice to change something that's the biggest hurdle for folks to overcome...and by the same token, the easiest to do once you truly do it. Party on, Garth!
Author hippetyhop Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 I get you are hurting, but give yourself a timeline to stop the what ifs and start your next chapter. Even if you don't stick to it , the process of working towards it will help. Honestly, this guy is playing you and it's totally unfair. Obsess for a bit, wallow for a bit, cry it out and then look out for you and only you. Take care. Thank you. That is what I want to do. However, hasn't been 24 hours yet. You would think that unless you are emotionally voided you wouldn't have questions/concerns/thoughts of all sorts that cross your mind during this type of ordeal. Not to be nasty (rhetorical question actually), but how many people on all sides of an A "moved on" and "watched out for their best interest only" in under 24 hours? Read the forums. I doubt not many, if any at al. Sorry if my question about MC for them was out of line. Like I said--just questions going through my mind.
Author hippetyhop Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Nothing wrong with questions...and your timeline is your own to manage and live with. I push because I know it's not an easy decision...it's much easier to sit there indecisive and do nothing...but that also GETS you nothing. Most often, its actually making a choice to change something that's the biggest hurdle for folks to overcome...and by the same token, the easiest to do once you truly do it. Party on, Garth! That is EXACTLY what I want to do. I want to change it, and I'm giving him the opportunity to change his situation as well. I'm giving him the chance. And since he seems serious about it, I was wondering in general about terms of reconciling after an A. My goal is to move on...but I'm just hurt right now. It makes it hurt even more when I'm being chastised for a question.
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