simsim Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 seeing a guy for the last month. 28, cute, athletic, incredibly smart with a great career. REALLY into me, too. now the bad: I had to make every first move. we've been running together for more like 3 months but he never communicated, either verbally or nonverbally, that he was interested in being more than friends. I mean it seriously felt like I was hanging out with someone who was actively turned off by the prospect of touching me, hugging, etc. conversation didn't flow that well but it wasn't horrible. HE didn't actually invite me out for drinks; maybe a month ago he just passively mentioned he was getting beers and laying out by the pool later that day and I just kind of invited myself over, which he seemed pretty excited about it. so when i was slightly drunk I made a move on him in the pool, just jumped on his back (before that he would literally move away from me when I got close) and we made out and FINALLY broke that physical barrier. well, now there's no doubt in my mind he was into me the whole time, just scared ****less to make a move. still, after we've been sleeping together for 3 weeks, he can't communicate, he can't hold eye contact for longer than a couple seconds. if I ask him a question deeper than something music or food related (like... say... about himself, his family, his past, his hobbies) he totally shuts down, tries to change the subject ASAP. it's obvious that he is REALLY inexperienced. it's also obvious that if I try to gently bring up that fact, he acts humiliated and mortified and shuts down completely. ALL of our correspondence thus far has been him volleying back my bad jokes over texts and just trying really, really hard to be funny. he only ever plays music I've mentioned I like (to be fair, we pretty much have the same taste in smaller indie/electronic artists) and food and beer I mention I like keeps magically being restocked in his fridge. sweet, right? except I just find it all so....MUCH. he basically has told me I can come over ANYTIME because he doesn't do anything. truly, I've never seen any evidence that he has a social life or hangs out with anyone else (and it's not like he's new in town). which I don't want to be judgey, some people are just homebodies/not really social but for some reason after dating those types in the past I was always looking for someone who hung out with friends every so often. he wants to see me EVERY day, and I'm constantly telling him I'm busy. I'm feeling pressure because it seems like I'm the only thing going on in this dude's life. I hang out with friends constantly and feel like he thinks I'm lying or trying to not hang out with him when I tell him I'm busy on a particular night. he's not bad in bed but unfortunately these little things are not helping the attraction. I've told him that I like being introduced to things and shown things and I really do love feeling led by a man, but he just doesn't seem to get it, everything constantly feels like it's being catered to my whims (the whole "did you cum? are you satisfied? how is this?" UGHHHHHH phenomenon). he mentioned somewhat bitterly once (a rare glimmer of actual personality) that women seem to love *******s, and i clarified that just because someone is confident and take charge and dominant (in the bedroom) it doesn't necessarily make them an ******* (he just kind of changed the subject). some women may love that straightforward, sweet thing, but I have a very sarcastic sense of humor and NEED that incorporated in any sort of relationship. i just don't have that banter with him (when he tries to tease me it's pretty awkward/cringeworthy), I don't have any desire to introduce him to my friends (I can't imagine how terrified he would act). my girl friends say I can bring him out of his shell and turn him into more of a charmer/smooth, my guy friends think he's just not my "type" as much as I want him to be. I've never looked at someone so much and thought, GOD if he was just more confident/experienced/witty/take charge, I would commit to him in a heartbeat, but instead I'm now feeling a little terrified that I'm going to hurt him badly. he literally wants to have sex all the time, like he'll come and then 5 minutes later he's all up on me again, so I've kind of treated this as a casual, i-come-over-for-drinks-and-order-food-and-we-watch-Netflix-and-**** kind of relationship, because that truly seems like that's all he wants to do, so I've absolved myself of feeling bad because TRADITIONALLY, in my experience, those types of setups ARE casual. and i have no problem seeing him in the meantime, I'm not ****ing anyone else nor am i interested in being in a relationship with anyone, i just don't think i could ever commit to him (nor do I think he'll ever ask, no matter how much he'd want to, he's very much a not-rock-the-boat kind of dude). is it bad if i just carry on being taken to nice meals, having lots of sex, and chilling at his super nice place when for me it's just a couple fun nights a week and he thinks it means more or that it's building toward something? i know this was a rambling mess, but I'd like to hear thoughts if you've dated a guy who was way less experienced than you and/or had social anxiety, can he get better? do i just need to rip off the band aid and "level" with him and let him know i don't see anything with him long term? in the past I've sort of just faded out or disappeared on the needy ones...so tired of being that girl.
MikeyBe Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 is it bad if i just carry on being taken to nice meals, having lots of sex, and chilling at his super nice place when for me it's just a couple fun nights a week and he thinks it means more or that it's building toward something? For you or for him? Forget all this nice guy/******* nonsense. You two aren't compatible. Rip off the band-aid. He will be hurt but not as badly as if you were to just disappear with no explanation.
I_Like_To_Golf Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 (edited) Well it did take me getting dumped by a girl I was really into to stop being like the guy you described. That particular break up made me self reflect, do "research", and become a way better me and really enjoying where my life is at now. Maybe you can do him that favor, he'll hopefully appreciate it later on in life haha Edited July 8, 2014 by I_Like_To_Golf
MalachiX Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Don't think the problem is him being a "nice guy." I think if this guy was right for you a little shyness wouldn't be an issue. From what you wrote, here are the issues: 1.) He doesn't seem to want to open up to you. You might want to bring this up with him and give him a chance to try but right now that's a problem. 2.) He doesn't seem to want to actively date you. You guys stay in and have sex. You could try to get him to go out with you more and see if the situation improves. You're probably not helping by treating the relationship as friends with benefits (starting with inviting yourself to his place and hooking up). If you want this to be serious then you should act like you are dating and not just sleeping together. 3.) He doesn't seem to have an independent life beyond you. This is more troubling because no person and JUST realie on their signifigant other to make them happy. Does he at least enjoy his career? 4.) He doesn't seem to have your sense of humor and conversation isn't easy. To some extent, this may be the biggest deal breaker since this really isn't something that you can learn. I don't know how anyone can be in a relationship with someone on a different wavelength who doesn't make them laugh.
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