cmarkvon Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 My boyfriend, in confidence, told me a few weeks ago that one of his friends cheated on his wife with a mutual friend of ours. His wife is very new to the country, she is struggling to adjust to the language and culture, she is miserable in her marriage, and they have a very small child together. She is one of the sweetest people I've ever met, and we've become quite close. I feel very protective of her for some reason. She's really lost here, and trying to make a new life for herself out of an unhappy situation. Last week, my boyfriend and I were invited to a party where the MM, the OW, and the BS were all to be in attendance. Thank goodness BS decided she didn't want to come. I don't know how I could have handled all of them in the same room. As it was, everyone was sitting around, chatting and having a lovely time, and I couldn't even bring myself to look at MM. How can they all just sit around like everything is normal? But I played along. Last night, my boyfriend and I went out, and I ran into the OW. And I quietly told her that I knew what happened, how disappointed I was in her, and how could she do this to BS? Such a sweet, innocent person, struggling to adjust? OW was really offended that it was brought up, that I even knew about it, and told me that my issue wasn't with her, it was with MM, and I should take it up with him. She was seething. My boyfriend, understandably, is furious with me. I betrayed his confidence. I haven't spoken with him yet today. I just felt like SOMEBODY needed to stand up for my friend. I couldn't go on any longer just pretending everything is just hunky dory. And yet, I can't bring myself to tell her. I feel like that would be a bigger betrayal of my boyfriend's confidence. He cheated on her left and right when they were still living abroad. She told me that she would have to do his laundry after he had been out with other women, and clean up the mess on his underwear. I really f*cked up. I shouldn't have said anything to OW. But I couldn't NOT say anything anymore. I'm sorry for having betrayed my boyfriend's confidence, but not sorry for having stood up for my friend. Ugh. I guess I'll see what today brings.
Author cmarkvon Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 I guess I'm just looking for some feedback on what you guys would have done in my position. I feel terrible. I also feel like doing anything, and doing nothing, both would have been wrong.
daisydook Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 In the past, when I have stuck my nose into situations that had NOTHING to do with me, I ended up being "a bad friend who was just trying to ruin peoples lives..." or some damn thing. I told a girlfriend many years ago about what her boyfriend was up to. She was a friend I had known since Kindergarten, so the length of friendship doesn't even matter. She loved him and she was NOT going to take my word for it. A few months later, she found out with her own eyes anyway, she apologized and we have never been the same since. I was really hurt by her stupid behaviour, only to apologize later anyway. It hurt. We had been friends for 15 years when I came to her and told her she was being cheated on. I was her very best friend and I didnt deserve to be treated like scum, for trying to save her from heart ache. My ex told his best friend his fiance was cheating with one of their friends. His best friend stopped speaking to him. He married her anyway, they are now miserable and he is raising a child that is not his because she got knocked up after the wedding, BY THE OM! So, he is now raising OMs kid, with his cheaty wife, and is completely miserable. Yep! His best friend just didn't want to believe it and was FURIOUS for ever even mentioning it. They stopped speaking for months because of this. He, I am positive, is a little more wise now. I stay the hell away from all the cheating drama. People screw around. I want no part in it, at all, ever. Even in my own life. If I know youre cheating, GET OUT OF MY LIFE! NOW! THERE IS THE DOOR! HAVE THE OW! The saddest part is this will probably go on for a while and you will be ridiculed by all involved. Sad, however, very true. The messenger is usually the one who is shunned and beaten down over telling. 1
DeadEyedSuburbanite Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 It's tough. I'd like to think that I would tell the friend about her husband's affair and let the chips fall where they may. Telling the OW was never going to accomplish anything anyway except as you saw it made her and your boyfriend mad with you. I find it troubling that your boyfriend is helping cover up the betrayal. I'm really not sure I would want to be in a relationship with someone who can call someone a friend while simultaneously lying (by omission) to her face every time he sees her. Is he at all conflicted about this? Does he approve of his friend's actions? What is his reason for keeping it secret? I know it's easy for me to say but I would consider cutting the whole rotten friend circle out of my life. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 They always shoot the messenger. I don't know how your BF new about the infidelity. I suspect his buddy or the OW told him but that just goes to show that by telling you your BF already betrayed a confidence entrusted to him so he's kind of being a hypocrite by being so pi$$ed at you. 1
DeadEyedSuburbanite Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 The messenger is usually the one who is shunned and beaten down over telling. True, but then often when the BS finds out people knew and never told her about it, it's a kind of betrayal on its own. Chances are if your friend found out you knew and never told her about it, you might not have had any kind of friendship at all. The shockwaves of infidelity are often far wider than might be anticipated. 1
Clay Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I probably would have went and told the lady that was cheated on. It really sounds like your friends and your boyfriend are not that great of people. I would take this as a indicator of the future. If your boyfriend cheats on you they wont say anything to you. You will just get treated poorly for there mistake. Its nice to see there are still some decent people out there. Good for you for standing up for what you disagreed with. Find better friends and maybe consider a new boyfriend as well. Clay 6
Author cmarkvon Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Thanks very much for the feedback. My boyfriend has been friends with the husband for many, many years. The husband confessed to what had happened several weeks ago, and it has really been eating at my BF. He just needed to talk to someone about it, and so I'm the one he told. And ever since, it's been driving me crazy. The wife just came to this country about 6 months ago, and that's when we all met her. Her husband has cheated on her multiple times. I'm not sure why she stays with him, but it's not my place to judge her on that. Aside from all of THAT, what drives me crazy is that the OW is a mutual friend. She hangs out at their house frequently. How in the world is she ok with hanging out with the wife and child when she is screwing her husband. It drives me CRAZY. And I have been keeping my lips zipped for several weeks. Last night, I just couldn't keep it in anymore. OW was very angry at me for judging her. Saying that it was none of my business, which I guess is true. That she's not the one who is cheating, and that my issue is with the husband. That I should go talk to him. But I don't feel that it's my place to say ANYTHING to either the husband or the wife. I just wanted to stand up for my friend against the OW, and say, how can you do this to her? WHAT are you doing? Anyway, still no word from my boyfriend. I apologized profusely last night, and am going to give him some space to cool down. He told me last night that he can't trust me with secrets, and I understand that reaction. To be honest, this is one secret that I desperately wish he had never shared with me, because it is a huge burden.
d0nnivain Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 He told me last night that he can't trust me with secrets, and I understand that reaction. To be honest, this is one secret that I desperately wish he had never shared with me, because it is a huge burden. Again, he's being a hypocrite. he betrayed his buddy by telling you but now he's punishing you when he can't be trusted either. Secrets are a burden. 2
Clay Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 The more you say just makes it more clear you need to get away. Why on earth would you boyfriend have this severe of a reaction to this. There might be more to the story than you know. It almost sounds to some degree he is trying to protect her by scolding you. I personally think I would just shut my phone off and not talk to him for a while. Let him think about it. Hes a jerk for putting you in this horrible position in the first place. I am sorry you are going through this but I think if I was you I would just walk away from these people. Clay 1
Keenly Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Its not your business. I don't care how protective you feel, you stay out of other people's lives, regardless of the bad decisions they make or bad situations they put themselves in. You have no right to take it upon yourself to play judge and jury. Just stay out of situations that have nothing to so with you. Go along to get along. 3
Author cmarkvon Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 I agree, Keenly. And aside from the wife, and my boyfriend, I just don't want to be around these people anymore. I just can't walk away from the wife and child, who have no fault in this, and barely know anyone in their new home. I'm just going to tell my boyfriend that I can't be around them anymore. The wife already knows that her husband has had multiple affairs. I don't feel that it's my place to tell her about this last one. She knows that he is unfaithful, and she chooses to stay with him. It's none of my business. 1
bentleychic Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Perhaps you should have posted this on the infidelity board if you wanted support to be negative to OW/OM/affairs.
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