July 2014. The worse month of my life.

[Photofinish]

Am I paying for something bad I did?

 

I want to type . I want to write and hope whoever is reading this doesnt mind.

 

I had never been out of the country . My mother always wanted to take me to her home country in Dominican Republic I decided "sure why not?" it's summer and it's an island. I went with my mom, dad, and little brother. The first day I got there I saw so many stray animals suffering. They were sick and were missing limbs. Being the huge animal lover I am, I began to cry. It was so heartbreaking for me . I wanted to go back the first night I got there. My grandmother's little home in the country side was locked with one flimsy lock. My Ocd and anxiety caused me to not sleep as well as I wanted too. I started to feel sick. Like I had caught something from there.

 

We decided to go to a beach where an incident happened where I saw something traumatic. After that I wanted to go home so bad. My boyfriend was being a jerk and wanted to go to my best friend's BBQ without me . They had been planning a surprise birthday party for me (Which I knew about) so I didn't mind them talking in secret. I then figured since I already knew about the party then why hide things from me? I didn't want them hanging out because I didn't want drama with my friend. I had already lost my previous best friend thanks to guy drama and just wanted to keep them both. I asked him not to go. He blew up and we fought for about 3 hours. It was a hard 2 days because I was so hurt by him . I didn't want to talk to him. I had to go out of my way to fix it because he wouldn't. I felt weird and wanted to talk to him about it but found it strange to keep up a conversation until the next night. The next night is possibly one of the worse ever.

 

My father had been sick in bed all day and my my mom had left him alone for 15 mins to get something in my aunts house across the street . My aunt ran into the room and told me my father was sick. I rushed out to find my mom screaming at the top of her lungs. She was hysterical . I held her as we crossed the street back . All the neighbors were outside looking on . They carried my father out . He was gone. I looked at his lifeless body as they put him into the van and my mother screamed at the top of her lungs , jumping up and down in emotional pain. She got into the van with them and left me and my little brother behind alone. I called my boyfriend, forgetting our fight and spoke to him as I waited for news. I had to keep my little brother calm . It was so hard. I was alone and scared in this strange country. Everything was dark because the electric power was out. I managed to get in contact with my mother who told me my father was dead... I had to keep it a secret from my little brother until they got back . Everyone cried but me. I couldn't believe it. My father had already had a stoke because he refused to take his medication for his high blood pressure. He has passed from another. No body slept that night. I woke up feeling so sick in my stomach I almost went to the hospital. I didn't want to go to a hospital over there. The last time I had gone to a clinic there a few days ago for an infection in my throat, it was so unsanitary . I broke down crying screaming I wanted to go home. I didn't want to be on that cursed island anymore. My sister was flying in the same day for the funeral and was leaving a day later. I wanted to change my flight to match hers. I wanted to come home. She refused to help me and wouldn't give me any information. I managed to change my flight during the wake. She arrived and I was so happy she was there with us. She began to treat me like she usually does. Telling me to shut up, ignoring me, looking away mid conversation. I wanted her with us but she decided to go sleep with my cousin at her house in a rich part of DR. I asked if I could come and she got mad and said no. I didn't cry at the wake. They buried him the next day. My mother and brother wouldn't stop crying. My mother would scream. more then 30 years together although all they do was fight all day she still needed him. After they buried him my aunt took us to a store to buy some stuff before my flight. I broke down crying in the street. I woke up for my flight the next day. I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be with my friends and in a safe area. I wanted to be home so I left. My mother said it was ok. I had asked her so many times. My sister kept judging me on leaving . She used her child as an excuse to leave early although he had a father and other grandparents to watch him.

 

I came back home and realized I was getting some very strange colored discharge "down there" . It was bad but I was a virgin . I had gone to a not - so - clean water park in DR and figured I got something from there. I spend the night at my boyfriend, very upset at infection. I cried and didn't want him to touch my arm or hold me because I was gross. What if I got an STD from the water park? The thought drove me mad. I went to the doctors the next day and the doctor took out a plastic spoon looking thing to get a sample. I told her I was a virgin so she said if it hurt let her know. She put it in and I screamed. I felt it rip through. It was terrible. She put in a swab and it hurt so bad. I left the office shaking badly. I wanted to cry. I felt weird down there and I felt bad. It hurt . After that the discharge went away. I think the antibiotics I too at the office cleared it up but I will get my results soon. It was only a little bit of discharge but wanted to clear it up.

 

I come back home to my pets when I was told my brother didn't feed my hamster at all. I broke down in anger. He had not fed them in the 9 days I was gone. I checked them and one of them was sick. Sneezing and thin full of crust. I called my vet but he is out until Wednesday and is the only small animal vet around . I cant afford the only other one. I panicked saying how I cant afford the vet and would have to use the only money I got from my mother until she is away , leaving me without any money. My boyfriend said nothing. He drove me to my friends house where I stayed.

 

I came back last night to find that my sister told me we had bed bugs. I didn't believe her and went to bed. I found a bright red bug on my sheets and popped it. It's blood filled my finger. My blood. I was full of bites. I took out the air bed with no pillow and slept on it without AC.It was pinched. It deflated and I slept pretty much on the floor last night. My boyfriend didn't care even though I told him last night. He had ignored me the day before after I messaged him freaking out about the doctors visit "I'm driving my family ttyl" and didnt message me until night. I need him. Why is he acting like this? We fought again. He is never there to help. It's always my guy bestfriend. My friend offered to pay my plain ticket back, held my pet rats during my trip (Bf wouldnt care for hamsters and now theyre dying), and is always there anytime I need him . I am now home alone. I'm crying . Me and my sister keep fighting because shes upset I havent spoken to my brother much . I havent spoken to him in 2 years. He staved my hamsters and she thinks that ok . She doesn't mind . Shes mad im not home but shes not at my moms home either. She judges me for everything. Shes attacking me. My boyfriend doesnt love me . He ignores me. He doesnt reach out to me. Why didnt he see me yesterday? He was whispering and following my bestfriend when I got back . It was weird. I didnt like it . Why is this happening? Is it going to get worse? Am I going to be okay until my moms comes back? I just want to be with my boyfriend. I want him to tell me he loves me and for him to hold me. My mom is far off and my siblings are not close to me. I wasnt even close to my dad but I'm suffering.

 

I left out alot here but I just wanted to type. Thank you for reading .

Edited July 8, 2014 by Photofinish

[Photofinish]

Just broke up with ym boyfriend. He had ignored me all day yesterday after I needed him so bad. I called him crying today. Crying like a child and he sounded so cold. I told him I was home alone and crying. He didnt care. I do not know what to do now.

[xxxDantexEmmelixxx]

wow... I just read this and felt sad for you myself... I don't really know how I can help or anything, but you have my sympathy ^^ I'm sure you've not done anything to deserve this, and it sounds like you've gone through hell and back.. I'd ask what was wrong... but I think the question is "what went right?" well, I'm not sure how much it helps.. but I'm sure you can at least get a better boyfriend.. if he was ignoring you and acting like a ass, he doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend ^^ I've propably upset you more though, sorry... cuz, I know how I'd feel if I lost my girlfriend, and I'd kill myself to be honest..

well, I'm not so great with words or anything, but if you want to chat, I'm here and I'll listen ^^

feel so sorry for you... I don't know you or anything, but wow...

[Photofinish]

Thank you xxxDantexEmmelixxx. Me and my boyfriend are talking again so lets see where that goes. At this point im just scared of being alone. I keep having these episodes where I cant be alone. It's really taking a toll on me.

[d0nnivain]

I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved father. With his passing you are grieving & all sorts of otherwise little life stressors are becoming big problems because your emotions are all out of whack. Give yourself time & permission to mourn.

[Photofinish]

Thank you , d0nnivain. You're right. Every little thing is blowing up . I just want my mom to come back home at this point.

[Offspring]

Wow, you have been through so much, and yet you write so elequantly. Thank you for sharing your story for us.

 

You might not believe it now, but you are a shining light for the rest of us. Your story will in time, effect so many people and believe it or not, be a healing experience for the rest of us.

 

Just know that: your family, including your mother, was doing its best to cope with the situation and heal itself. God, or whatever you want to call it, chose yourself for a reason. Now, go forth and pread your healing energy. You'll be surprised of what comes from it.

 

All the best for you xx.

[Photofinish]

Wow, you have been through so much, and yet you write so elequantly. Thank you for sharing your story for us.

 

You might not believe it now, but you are a shining light for the rest of us. Your story will in time, effect so many people and believe it or not, be a healing experience for the rest of us.

 

Just know that: your family, including your mother, was doing its best to cope with the situation and heal itself. God, or whatever you want to call it, chose yourself for a reason. Now, go forth and pread your healing energy. You'll be surprised of what comes from it.

 

All the best for you xx.

 

Thank you OffSpring. It doesnt feel like that because I am reading this over and I dont even know how I will get through this. I broke up officially with my boyfriend. He is treating me like a problem and garbage.

 

Thank you for your support.

Edited July 9, 2014 by Photofinish

[Els]

So very, very sorry to hear about your loss and everything that is going on for you. It's awful how bad things just pile on and on and on, at the worst of times. Many hugs, Photofinish.

 

I think you should just do whatever you need to do to get through this. Forget about your useless boyfriend/ex. If your male best friend is willing to be there for you, then lean on him for the time being. You don't need to feel guilty about receiving support from him at this time, you can always make it up to him when he needs help instead.

 

You are understandably mad at your brother for causing your hamsters to be sick, but at the end of the day he is your brother and he is going through severe loss as well. IMO you should try and mend that bridge and stick together so you can support each other through the loss of your father.

[Offspring]

Thank you OffSpring. It doesnt feel like that because I am reading this over and I dont even know how I will get through this. I broke up officially with my boyfriend. He is treating me like a problem and garbage.

 

Thank you for your support.

 

I'm sorry that he is treating you like this, but you are not garbage. You could also look at it like he can't keep up with you. If he 's behaving like this during a time of need, then imo he's not capable of being the solid person you might want to marry one day. I know you are probably caught up in grieving right now, but it will all become clear with time.

 

In the meantime, surround yourself with friends and family for support during this time. I think the thing you've got to concentrate right now is getting through this and becoming strong, and thinking about yourself. Just my 2 cents worth.

[Photofinish]

Thank you everyone. It's very hard for me because I love and depend on him so much emotionally. I called him in tears saying I was going to break up with him and he didnt care. I freaked out and had an episode . I will not contact him again. I know I will hear from him but I cannot forgive this.

 

I'm trying to eat and trying to take care of myself. I am surrounded by friends all the time (even if it's different ones each day) and reconnected with an old friend who I had big issues with. She forgot everything and came over. I am so thankful.

 

I'm scared . I'm tired. I feel alone but I will continue to fight.

[contact1]

Firstly OP I am very sorry for the lost of your father, I know how devastating a lost of a close family member can be and it can be hard to cope with.

 

Secondly though, your post comes about to be just about "me, me, me" about all the things just happening to you. You have to understand you are not the only one hurting with the loss of your father, everyone in your family is being affected by this. Also, the whole time you were on the trip with your mother, you just wanted to bail. Imagine how your mother must have felt, her bringing you to her home country and all you want to do is just leave.

 

Yes the conditions there were rough, but that is what life is like in many parts of the world. As for the boyfriend situation, I don't know how long of a history you two have being together, but it is very likely, as it appears in your post, that you were complaining for the majority of the time on this trip and back home, thus he probably got fed up with it. That's my wager on the situation. He should have been there to comfort you for the loss of your father, that part I do agree with, as for the other stuff, well it is really hard to tell as it is so much different little things you are mentioning.

 

Again my deepest condolences for your loss, but remember it isn't just about you here, try to find support and comfort with your family in this time, not things to complain or argue about.

[Photofinish]

Firstly OP I am very sorry for the lost of your father, I know how devastating a lost of a close family member can be and it can be hard to cope with.

 

Secondly though, your post comes about to be just about "me, me, me" about all the things just happening to you. You have to understand you are not the only one hurting with the loss of your father, everyone in your family is being affected by this. Also, the whole time you were on the trip with your mother, you just wanted to bail. Imagine how your mother must have felt, her bringing you to her home country and all you want to do is just leave.

 

Yes the conditions there were rough, but that is what life is like in many parts of the world. As for the boyfriend situation, I don't know how long of a history you two have being together, but it is very likely, as it appears in your post, that you were complaining for the majority of the time on this trip and back home, thus he probably got fed up with it. That's my wager on the situation. He should have been there to comfort you for the loss of your father, that part I do agree with, as for the other stuff, well it is really hard to tell as it is so much different little things you are mentioning.

 

Again my deepest condolences for your loss, but remember it isn't just about you here, try to find support and comfort with your family in this time, not things to complain or argue about.

 

Yeah you're right. All I really do is mess up. My boyfriend got sick of me . Good for him. He shouldnt have to deal with my anxiety and problems.

[Photofinish]

Yeah you're right. All I really do is mess up. My boyfriend got sick of me . Good for him. He shouldnt have to deal with my anxiety and problems.

 

I also was very evil to my mother. I shouldnt have left her but I did. I'm not a very good person anyways. I dont really deserve what I have. I wish I could go backwards but I cant. I'll live with the hell I have created.

[Els]

Yeah you're right. All I really do is mess up. My boyfriend got sick of me . Good for him. He shouldnt have to deal with my anxiety and problems.

 

I disagree with the poster who said that to you, re: your ex-boyfriend. There will come a time in all Rs where one person goes through immense grief/hardship, and during that time, they do deserve to be cut some slack and given support. Someone who truly cared about you would not get 'fed up' by you crying and getting depressed about the loss of your father. It isn't a license to be abusive to him, of course, either physically or verbally, but you weren't. Your behaviour wasn't excessive for someone coping with the death of a close family member IMO, and he proved that he wasn't capable of being in a genuinely supportive LTR. He was only there for the good, and disappeared as soon as the bad came along. You're better off without him.

 

Stop beating yourself up. You need to heal, keep fighting, and take care of yourself. Talk to a professional if you need to.

[Photofinish]

I disagree with the poster who said that to you, re: your ex-boyfriend. There will come a time in all Rs where one person goes through immense grief/hardship, and during that time, they do deserve to be cut some slack and given support. Someone who truly cared about you would not get 'fed up' by you crying and getting depressed about the loss of your father. It isn't a license to be abusive to him, of course, either physically or verbally, but you weren't. Your behaviour wasn't excessive for someone coping with the death of a close family member IMO, and he proved that he wasn't capable of being in a genuinely supportive LTR. He was only there for the good, and disappeared as soon as the bad came along. You're better off without him.

 

Stop beating yourself up. You need to heal, keep fighting, and take care of yourself. Talk to a professional if you need to.

 

No. he/she is correct. I did verbally attack him when he didnt comfort me and he got fed up. I was upset because I was still upset abot doctors appointment(I had nothing too) and I spoke to him about it. He comfort me but then told me he was going out with his family and he would talk to me later. I became upset by this because I wanted to be with him because I was scared. I then mentioned the bedbugs and how I have to sleep on the floor. He was giving me advice and once more I lashed out saying it was easy to sit back and say itll be okay. He got angry by this and started ignoring me. I became even more upset and desperate everytime he ignored me so I called him in tears saying I wanted to break up because he kept ignoring me. I was sobbing and he kept saying "well what dod you want me to do? Are you sure you want to do thos?". I dropped the phone thinking I put it off and began crying abouy everything alone in my apartment. I called an old friend who I had issurs with. She forgot everything and madr a 2 hour trip over. I texted my ex the next day asking him not to leave me alone because I was scared . I asked if we could stay friends because I needed his support. He repied with " what kind of support do you need fron an ex?". He isnt coming to my birthday party and stopped making my pinata. I shouldve have attacked him to much. I just wanted to be with him becase I was scared of being at home alone. He ignored my last message of me never contacting him again....in thr past I always had to fix our breakups . I guess he was expecting that or is finally fed up with all my craziness. I thought I was goingg to die last night. My face became numb and my arm too I think. I kept jolting up in my sleep. It was so scary. All I kept thinking abouy was my mom and how she would be if I died too. I already abandon her. I couldnt do more to her. I dont want to die in my sleep

[Photofinish]

The day he ignored me to see his family, he had texted me that night. He had never refused to text me when with fanily before however. 5months and and half is what we had. he was my first love and I think I was his. I dont know if he really loved me. I miss him so badly and he doesnt leave my mind. Now I will never see him again. Its like he died too. When I texted him yesterday he told me it was too early and that he was trying to sleep....

Edited July 10, 2014 by Photofinish