Jewels7 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Hey everyone. I've posted recently under Abuse and Violence about my ex whom I broke up with 2 months ago. I'm having a really hard time moving on because I'm still so in love with him. I had him blocked from email, FB and phone. Haven't heard from him in a month. This morning he texted me another number and asked me to please just listen to him. He said he has done a lot of self reflecting over the last two months and he admits to being a mean person. He told me that he wrote me a letter and for me to please read it. He is giving it to a friend to give to me. I really want to read it but at the same time I'm afraid it will set me back and hurt. He promised the letter isn't mean. (He has told me in the past he wouldn't be mean and then he would lose his temper and become cruel). Ugh I'm so upset now... What should I do?
WhatYouWantToHear Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 This is it. This is the fork in the road. By your own admission you've been here before and have chosen the wrong path. I'm not saying that if you read this letter you will definitely get back with him, but it sure ups the odds. After that you will want to message him and respond to something or just thank him for it. From there it just gets easier for him to get that cracked door open a little more. Then before you know it, just like all the other times he's back through it. You've been strong for 2 months, don't break now.
CarrieT Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I think it takes a lot more than two months for someone to change abusive behavior. When the "friend" gives you the letter, I would politely decline it.
AnyaNova Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 So your friend has been with an abusive man who knows 100 ways from Sunday how to manipulate her and keep her coming back. But this time he says he's really sorry, he's really changed, and he's written this heartfelt letter to prove it. You've been with her the whole way through to see the physical and emotional scars he always leaves her with at the end of every abuse cycle. She looks at you through tear stained eyes while holding the unopened envelope in her hand, asking you whether you think she should read it. What do you tell her?
Zahara Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 (edited) Two months doesn't change a person that is abusive. It takes years and with the help of therapy for change to even happen and hopefully for it to even stick. There was no self-reflection on his part. He has known all along that he's abusive and he has known all along that he's mean. Of course the letter isn't mean. He needs to soften you up so you get weak and go back to him. My father was this way. Abuse and then repent. Abuse and then repent. As soon as he got control, his patterns repeated. This is the cycle of abuse. Textbook. "(He has told me in the past he wouldn't be mean and then he would lose his temper and become cruel)." And you said it yourself. Victims of abuse are prone to believing an abuser when he laments change. It's because you've been conditioned to believe, accept and tolerate everything that the abuser has inflicted on you. This is you again repeating the cycle. STOP IT. Refuse the letter and keep moving forward with your healing. There is nothing more this man can give you. The only thing you should do is focus on putting all this behind you and nothing more. Edited July 8, 2014 by Zahara 1
Offspring Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Apparently it takes an average of 7 times to finally get the courage to leave an abusive relationship. Are you going to hang around seven times? Whether or not you read the letter comes down to the ultimate decision of whether you're done with the abuse or not. If you're done with it, there is no need to read it. If you're not, then you'll probably read it. Either way, i'm sure it's just the whole desperate "ive changed" thing that men do when they realise they're alone. Goid luck! (Sorry, it's probably what you don't want to hear, just being honest). Take care of yourself 1
Zahara Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 (edited) Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and respond. I'm glad there are forums like this because you guys really help. I know I'm hurting myself by contacting him. He emailed me yesterday. Told me he just wanted to talk for two minutes. Against my better judgement I called him. He tolde how sorry he was and it was all his fault and I didn't do anything wrong and etc etc. He asked me If this is what I really wanted. We kept texting until I said something that I heard that made him really mad. He then flipped a switch and starting saying he would bury the person who told me that in his back yard, and I'm trying to get him hurt. He guessed that the person who told me this was one of his exes and he threatened to kill her. Then he was going to drive out to my house and get me to talk to him until I told him who told me. He called 10 times until my da answered my cell phone and he tried to pick a fight with my dad. Maybe I'm finally finally finally realizing how unstable he is. I blocked his number. But then today he sent me an email telling me he is happy with what happened to us and that he had just tried one last time to see if it was finally over because he met someone new already and that "she is everything that I'm not." As crazy as he is... This killed me. I know I should feel bad for the poor girl but it just hurts. This is what you posted on May 26...a little over a month ago. What are you not getting? Edited July 8, 2014 by Zahara 1
Author Jewels7 Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 I get it. I just don't get why it's hard for me to let go of someone who treats me like ****. I won't go back to him though. I refuse.
Zahara Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 I get it. I just don't get why it's hard for me to let go of someone who treats me like ****. I won't go back to him though. I refuse. It's been a little over a month since you last spoke to him. Contact drags you back to square one. It's going to take months for you to feel some relief. This isn't going away overnight. Accept that healing is going to take time. It's much harder to heal and get over relationships that were toxic. You're left broken and damaged. And it's normal that you can't let go because regardless of being a jerk, you still had an emotional, albeit unhealthy attachment to him. This isn't just about him. You also have to question as to why you stayed in such a relationship. It speaks of your sense of self worth. If you question why it's hard to let go of someone who treated you like crap, then question why you stayed with someone that treated you like crap. The latter should be your focus. Do not accept the letter. If you refuse to go back to him, then the letter has no relevance. 2
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