How should I approach this?

[lauri]

I was in a LDR relationship for a while, had a bad breakup and after 10 months of healing, I finally feel ready to date again. I randomly joined a volleyball team and met this girl who caught my eye and she seemed to be interested in me. She is extremely attractive, gets a lot of attention. I'm 27 and she is 23. We have known each other for roughly 8 weeks now.

 

Originally, I felt like she was interested in me is because every time I would arrange practices for volleyball, invite her to a bar and/or an event, she would immediately come. She was always the first to message me either on Facebook or my phone. I rarely message her unless it’s to arrange to meet up or send a funny photo randomly. I think the biggest issue is every time we have hung out is with other people around (either her friends or people from volleyball). Whenever I was around her friends, they would ask me what’s up with her and I, when am I going to ask her out and do I like her, etc. I would just respond with non-revealing answers and continue to keep it fun / light. We have hung out maybe 3 times outside of volleyball.

 

On Saturday, I was at a casual event and invited her to come along. She showed up later with her friend as I was about to leave and we decided to go out together since she made the effort to come 30 minutes to come see me. She did something that really annoyed me and caught me off guard…She called up some random guys her and her friend met during some event earlier in that day to ask them what they are doing for us to join them.

 

As soon as I heard this, I felt offended and said "I didn't meet up with you to hang out with random guys". She said that she was just calling them to find a place to go. I was walking ahead of them fairly fast (because I was annoyed and kind of mad) and she eventually stopped me saying "It seems like you don't want to hang out with me right now so I'm going to go", eventually, after a few minutes of speaking, they still followed me to my car and we went to a club.

 

Once at the club, the girl I like & I were dancing. She was approaching me, making the conversation, touching me (not inappropriately, just as a girl would when she’s interested) and kind of flirting. Her friend, who invited another guy to meet up with us afterwards (who is in her friend zone, likes her and she knows it), showed up. Within 5 minutes, the girl I like and her friend got taken by two random guys in a booth and started to talk with them.

 

The friend looks at me and goes “This is my life man; they always do this to me”. I sat there and watched them for 5 minutes, offended and confused. Finally, I had enough, walked up to her in the booth and said “I didn’t come here to watch you talk with guys, I’m going to go off and do my own thing” and walked away. I tried to convince the safe friend to come along but he refused saying “He wants to keep the peace” and that “This is normal”. I think in a way I’m kind of more disgusted that guy would let someone use him like that – pretty much he thought he had a chance with the girl who was flirting with other guys – but it’s not my problem.

 

Eventually the girl I “thought” was interested in me found me, started to apologize saying she was just supporting her friend and she dragged her in there and she was trying to find me for 30 minutes. I told her pretty much the same thing and that she can do whatever she wants but it is rude to do that to me. I came here to hang out with her. To make a longer story even shorter, we hung out and danced the rest of the night. She would hold my hand, lock arms with me and then she left with her friend and the guy, asking me to tag along for food but I declined and went home. I didn't message her after the club (except to say did you get home okay) because I was kind of thrown off by everything that happened and not sure if it was worth trying to give her another shot.

 

At Volleyball last night, she came and was fairly distant. I spoke with her about the night and she said she didn’t have fun because she felt like she had to babysit her friend and wasn’t in the mood to be there. After that, she didn’t speak to me much and felt like she avoided me completely. I messaged her a few times after volleyball trying to make small talk, but her answers were short and distant. I didn’t force it but I was just trying to get a feel for her. It kind of threw me off because at the end of the night on Saturday she seemed interested.

 

This may sound like stupid logic but the reasoning behind me not asking her out immediately is because I wanted to wait until the volleyball season was over before I made a move to try to take her out on dates. So the questions I have for everyone here with their wisdom is:

 

1) Should I even bother anymore? If so, what should be my next steps?

2) Did I wait too long?

3) Is her interest level too low in me now or am I just thinking too much?

Edited July 8, 2014 by lauri

[PegNosePete]

1) No.

2) Maybe, maybe not, but why waste time on what if's?

3) Yes her interest is low, she went off with some other guy.

[HappyLove]

This girl gave you SO MANY signs that she was very much into you!!! You say she's very attractive OF COURSE men are going to be after her! You basically let her slip through your fingers because you wanted to wait for volleyball season to be over?! That's less than smart! Then you threw a hissy fit because she hung out with other guys which she has every right to do! Friends would even ask you if you liked her and basically you never did man up to get this girl! She has now seen a weaker unattractive side to you, the jealousy and is thinking screw that!

 

Sorry but I think you've blown it. This is a beautiful woman with options who showed you interest but you declined every.single.time. There's only so much of that anyone can take.

 

I think for you to even have a glimmer of hope now, if you want to stop playing games and actually date this girl. You have to throw pride and ego aside. Apologize for how you came off and ask her out on a proper date, have a date and time and event you'd like to take her to just the two of you. Maybe give her a week to cool down and forget how immature you acted before you ask her out. Either way her response to going on a date with you will let you know if you need to move on.

Edited July 8, 2014 by HappyLove

[lauri]

This girl gave you SO MANY signs that she was very much into you!!! You say she's very attractive OF COURSE men are going to be after her! You basically let her slip through your fingers because you wanted to wait for volleyball season to be over?! That's less than smart! Then you threw a hissy fit because she hung out with other guys which she has every right to do! Friends would even ask you if you liked her and basically you never did man up to get this girl! She has now seen a weaker unattractive side to you, the jealousy and is thinking screw that!

 

Sorry but I think you've blown it. This is a beautiful woman with options who showed you interest but you declined every.single.time. There's only so much of that anyone can take.

 

I think for you to even have a glimmer of hope now, if you want to stop playing games and actually date this girl. You have to throw pride and ego aside. Apologize for how you came off and ask her out on a proper date, have a date and time and event you'd like to take her to just the two of you. Maybe give her a week to cool down and forget how immature you acted before you ask her out. Either way her response to going on a date with you will let you know if you need to move on.

 

I agree with a lot of what you are saying. I guess I feel horrible inside for how I messed up.

 

Without a doubt, I did mess up in a lot of aspects. However, going out with her to a club and her leaving me to stand there watching her talk to guys for a long time isn't cool. If I went out with someone, even as a friend, I wouldn't leave them by themselves to talk to other girls.

 

I'm disappointed in myself in a lot of ways which is why I posted on here to get feedback. This is all a lesson for me on my end and she has every right to be turned off due to me being jealous.

[HappyLove]

I agree with a lot of what you are saying. I guess I feel horrible inside for how I messed up.

 

Without a doubt, I did mess up in a lot of aspects. However, going out with her to a club and her leaving me to stand there watching her talk to guys for a long time isn't cool. If I went out with someone, even as a friend, I wouldn't leave them by themselves to talk to other girls.

 

I'm disappointed in myself in a lot of ways which is why I posted on here to get feedback. This is all a lesson for me on my end and she has every right to be turned off due to me being jealous.

 

Good for you! At least you can admit where you went wrong I think that is a great quality! We are all human and make mistakes. We just need to learn from them. The only reason you care so much about the guys she hung out with is because you like her. You kept treating her as just a friend but really you both wanted more. I say ask her out you have nothing to lose! I hope she says yes.

[lauri]

Good for you! At least you can admit where you went wrong I think that is a great quality! We are all human and make mistakes. We just need to learn from them. The only reason you care so much about the guys she hung out with is because you like her. You kept treating her as just a friend but really you both wanted more. I say ask her out you have nothing to lose! I hope she says yes.

 

I'm going to lay low for a week, let things cool off and leave it alone. But I honestly took it as she wasn't interested in me because she went off into another booth with other guys talking to them. It doesn't mean I was right, I should have just walked off w/o saying anything and just kept my cool.

 

Anyways, I know better then this...to be honest I didn't realize I liked her until I saw her talking to other guys. Maybe I feel a sense of panic because I feel like I lost her.

[movingonnow1]

I'm really happy to hear you are starting to get ready to date again Lauri.

 

But man oh man, you made some major errors with this girl...especially appearing weak. Not all may be lost though, I think if you let it be for a little while and let her come back to you. If / when she does, then you can ask her out on a date to do something casual and fun, and to show her that you are a lot more mature and in control of yourself.

 

I don't blame you for doing what you did, if I went somewhere with a girl and she did that to you I probably would have reacted the same way at one point in my life. Now I've learned to control my emotions and just let things go.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself, you'll find out soon enough. But truth is, I think she may have been testing you because she was giving you so many buying signals and she couldn't figure you out...well, now she knows you like her.

[lauri]

Thanks for everyones feedback.

 

It makes me sad to know I blew it to the point of no return now. I'm still going to try but I don't see it going anywhere now.