Jco159 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Hello, My girlfriend is from the USA, and I from Europe. We've been together for about 3 years : 6 months in a long distance relationship, the rest in Europe. She always wanted to live in Europe, and we started to date when she moved here. She then had to go back to the USA because of immigration issue, and we managed to keep our relationship working during 6 months over long distance. We were really proud of that, and when she came back here, it was pure happiness. We got a dog (her idea, but I don't regret it), we were talking about future, about the house we would buy, about adventures we would do together, about that one day we would be married, about how we were so connected. About how we would enjoy life. I took her to dozens of places she loved, we did many adventures, spent time just cuddling and enjoying our favorite shows,... Then, she got a job at a prestigious law firm, about 9 months ago. She would never have dreamed to work for them in USA, her grades were not high enough. At first, her working hours were ok, but they increased over the time. She would not often warn me when she was coming home late (like 10PM or later). It was left to me to do the groceries alone, to do the cooking alone, to walk the dog alone, to take him to the vet alone, to go to friends and events alone... Yes, a lot of "alone", I know. About 6 months ago, she got into depression (but she only accepted that fact recently). She had about no friends in Europe (but had not the time to make some because of her hours), she felt too fat (but had not the time to exercice), felt that she was useless in our couple, that I was doing everything, and that if she tried to do anything she thought she would not do as good as I would. She was complaining about the fact that I made much more money than her. She was afraid to do anything because she thought I would be judgmental and think that she is doing it wrong. I never did this. It's just not me. But she said I was everything for her in Europe : her boyfriend, her best friend, her mentor, her big brother, her father. And I agree that's too much for a person, and I always wanted her to make friends to share these roles. I've always been supportive to her, never blamed her for any of the things she was depressive about. I tried to take her to events and parties to meet people and make friends. But often, she would not have the time to come, or be too tired because of the job, and just wanting to relax together at home. About 3 months ago, she lost all her libido. She says it's not just a lack of physical attraction to me, she has just lost any appetite for sex. About a month ago, she told me she needed a break. But not a break as in "let's not see each other for a while and think about our lives". She wanted to move out to a small place she would rent so that she could have her own life, do things without me around, so that she wouldn't be afraid of my judgment. But we would still be dating, and see each other a couple times a week. I told her it sounded like a way to quit me without daring telling me. And she collapsed, cried, told me she loved me, she didn't want to lose me, that she needed to fix her issues, that it was the only way for her to get better. I told her that I was afraid she would just work even more, and not fix the issues. But again, she cried and told me that she didn't want to lose me, and would work on them. So, I agreed. And each time we've seen each others, she would be loving, would seem happy. She was again talking about our future, that she would be back soon to live with me. And then about a week ago, someone at her firm told her that her work was appreciated, that maybe one day she could get a promotion. That event, I think, was the final blow to our relationship. Because yesterday, she told me that she was still loving me, that she would never love anyone else more than me. But that she had to focus on her job. And that she could not give me the time I deserved. That I deserved better than her, and that she should quit me. She said that each time she would be with me, she would feel great, and then just think about me during days, even at the office. And it was stopping her from being efficient. That she would dream of our life together instead of focusing on the job. She said she did not understand how I could still love her : she said she was ugly, fat, selfish, not respecting me, not taking care of the dog she wanted first... But she also said that she was feeling so good when she was next to me, when we were holding hands, cuddling... I told her all I wanted is to find a compromise between her career and our life. Like, for the next couple years, Tuesdays and Fridays nights are ours, as well as one day each weekend and holidays (about 30 a year where we live). That I believed she would not want to throw all her life away for a job. That she would not survive this. Deeply, she knows it is true : she is sometimes crying at the office because of missed deadlines, often calling me to tell me how hard it is. The turnover in the firm is huge, people go into burn-out after a few years. Most of them are expats like her, and use their holidays to visit their family. Last week, it has been asked to dozens of them to cancel these holidays because of new projects. She deeply loves her parents, and knows that they won't be there forever, that she will maybe seem them 50 times more before they go... She wouldn't survive missing any of these times because of a job. So, we agreed to take a real break. One month. No contacts. To think about it. And then we would see. She asked me to walk her back to the station, because she wanted to be with me as much as possible before this break. She made plans for us for the day after we would meet each other again. She gave me so much hope. But I'm terrified by the idea of her changing her mind again. Any advice would be welcome...
David87 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Sound like she is cheating on you. She wants a break then give her one. Start NC and let her see what she lost and make the effort to be back together with you, if that's what you want. She is right about one thing.....You deserve better.
Moonborn Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Excess of work can definitely mess up a person. I think she needs to decide if she wants to keep that job or not. For how I see things it would make sense for her to quit as soon as she got enough experience to make a nice entry in her resume. But ultimately it is a decision she needs to take on her own. I think you did what was reasonable. I am sorry but I can't think of anything else you could do except wait and see what happens. Maybe other people can offer a better insight.
sterlingarcher Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I don't know why someone suggested she is cheating, there is nothing in your post that points towards any of you cheating. How long can you stay in limbo like this? At some point you and her need to make a decision. It seems impossible that she can keep both her job and you so ultimately it is up to her what she chooses. When the break is up and you get back together and if nothing changes for the better, I suggest you give her an ultimatum to choose between her career and her relationship. Choosing the relationship doesn't have to mean sacrificing her whole career, but she needs to get a job with less pressure for the relationship to work. As for now she is unable to combine both and it's leaving you in limbo.
Chi townD Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I don't know why someone suggested she is cheating, there is nothing in your post that points towards any of you cheating. When she first started at the firm, she worked normal hours, now the hours are getting longer and longer. Loss of libido. Decrease in sex between them. "Working" late at the office and not coming home till 10pm or later without warning, (I know that some law firms burn the midnight oil preparing for a big case, but those are few and far inbetween. Plus, she stated that she isn't making great money. Therefore, she the low man on the totem pole and her job description wouldn't require her to be there that late.) So, most offices close up about 5 or 6PM. Where is she at for 5 or 6+ hours? Wanting to move out and getting a place of her own. Cheaters want to do this, so they don't have to constantly hide their affairs. They don't want to have to worry about hiding their phone or facebook accounts or internet history. They want to be able to walk away from their computers with their email open and not have to worry about someone walking in and seeing what email they have open. They want to receive phonecalls at anytime and not have to run to the bathroom to take it and talk in hushed tones for fear you might hear. They want to lay in bed and text at all hours of the night and not have you wondering who they're texting. She self deprecating. Asking him how he could love her. That's guilt. Told him that he deserved better than her. More guilt. Asking for "A break". So, then if she isn't cheating, I feel she might be interested with someone at the job. So, now they're on a month break. Why? If her job is sooo busy and stressful, what's going to change in a months time? NOTHING! So, I think that it's time for her to take to see if things are going to work with this new guy and if things progress the way that she hopes, then she'll make this "month break" more permanent. So, she set herself up for this. New man, new place to live. Done and Done. Clean and quick break from Jco with as little stress and complications as possible. Yeah, I wouldn't rule out cheating either. It's definitely a possibility and on the table.
Griesfootball Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Op you should have a good idea if she is cheating or not. As for the story sometimes work and aspirations get in the way of relationships and there is nothing you can do at the time being. It must be a good thing that she has already made plans to see you after a month. A job like that is high demand but the chance to have that job is rare and maybe it's what she wants at the moment.
Moonborn Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 When she first started at the firm, she worked normal hours, now the hours are getting longer and longer. Loss of libido. Decrease in sex between them. "Working" late at the office and not coming home till 10pm or later without warning, (I know that some law firms burn the midnight oil preparing for a big case, but those are few and far inbetween. Plus, she stated that she isn't making great money. Therefore, she the low man on the totem pole and her job description wouldn't require her to be there that late.) So, most offices close up about 5 or 6PM. Where is she at for 5 or 6+ hours? Wanting to move out and getting a place of her own. Cheaters want to do this, so they don't have to constantly hide their affairs. They don't want to have to worry about hiding their phone or facebook accounts or internet history. They want to be able to walk away from their computers with their email open and not have to worry about someone walking in and seeing what email they have open. They want to receive phonecalls at anytime and not have to run to the bathroom to take it and talk in hushed tones for fear you might hear. They want to lay in bed and text at all hours of the night and not have you wondering who they're texting. She self deprecating. Asking him how he could love her. That's guilt. Told him that he deserved better than her. More guilt. Asking for "A break". So, then if she isn't cheating, I feel she might be interested with someone at the job. So, now they're on a month break. Why? If her job is sooo busy and stressful, what's going to change in a months time? NOTHING! So, I think that it's time for her to take to see if things are going to work with this new guy and if things progress the way that she hopes, then she'll make this "month break" more permanent. So, she set herself up for this. New man, new place to live. Done and Done. Clean and quick break from Jco with as little stress and complications as possible. Yeah, I wouldn't rule out cheating either. It's definitely a possibility and on the table. Things are different in Europe, I usually work from 8 am to 7 pm (and I occasionally have to come home much later and do weekends if we have a close deadline). And especially in law firms the lower status workers are those that work most. I know people who are not even being paid and basically work as slaves in studies to "get experience". That's pretty much standard for young people. I am not saying that I would dismiss the possibility of cheating in absolute terms (but then when can you really do that?), I am just saying that what she says could be legit. Anyway I don't think it changes Jco's position that much, all he can do now is go on with his life and wait to see if she contacts him. It's a NC situation in the end. Wondering if she is cheating or not when he doesn't have any solid evidence of that can't really do him any good can it?
Chi townD Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Things are different in Europe, I usually work from 8 am to 7 pm (and I occasionally have to come home much later and do weekends if we have a close deadline). And especially in law firms the lower status workers are those that work most. I know people who are not even being paid and basically work as slaves in studies to "get experience". That's pretty much standard for young people. I am not saying that I would dismiss the possibility of cheating in absolute terms (but then when can you really do that?), I am just saying that what she says could be legit. Anyway I don't think it changes Jco's position that much, all he can do now is go on with his life and wait to see if she contacts him. It's a NC situation in the end. Wondering if she is cheating or not when he doesn't have any solid evidence of that can't really do him any good can it? Oh, my post was in the response to the person that thought the idea that someone though she was cheating was stupid or unwarranted. The examples I gleaned from the OP original post; well, they're not exactly blatant red flags, but it's questionable behavior. Therefore, I wouldn't rule out cheating. Dude, if you've read some of my posts, if I think someone is cheating I will outright tell them he or she is cheating on them. This one? Ummmm....maybe.
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