Three weeks since the breakup- in my own place, trying to cope- and failing

[katiebour]

I just can't do this. I've been doing everything I can- trying to cope with grad school, moved out, playing computer games, reading lots of books, taking long baths, browsing personals, reading self-help books, telling myself he wasn't right for me, thinking about the kind of man I want, talking with friends and family- the list goes on and on.

 

Maybe it's just that today is a real "down" day. I just cannot convince myself that I don't love him- I've tried. And maybe I don't, maybe I'm just a sad, scared, obsessed woman and I just think I love him. I miss him everyday- I wake up in the morning, a few minutes go by where I start to think about what I need to do that day- and then his name pops into my head. And then I remember him and being with him. We had three and a half years together and now it's over- I just can't believe it. God, I'm starting to cry again just typing this.

 

I wanted to grow old with this man, wake up with him every day, make love to him, have children with him, tell him I love him a thousand times a day. I counted my blessings every day I was with him- and now he's gone.

 

I can't do NC because we go to the same karate dojo and I'm not willing to give that up. He wants to be friends, and I don't have a lot of friends, and I have a hard time making them. I want to be his friend- no, I want to be his lover, his wife, his partner, and his friend- but I'll settle for friend. Anyway, I don't neccessarily expect replies to this message- I'm not really open to hearing "get over him" or "try NC" I can't and I won't. I just need to share my feelings with someone. Here's a poem I wrote describing my feelings:

 

Every person a substitute for you

Every moment agony without you

Wondering where you are

Who you’re with

 

Crying great gasping sobs

Like a fish out of water

Begging for someone to throw me back in

I’d give half my life

Or more even

Just to be back with you, loved by you, held by you

 

I cry and I cry, but no one comes

No comforting hand or voice

No end to this nightmare of life without you

But unable to forget my responsibilities

Unable to choose to end it all

 

I’m stuck here, in this silent empty room

No friend calling to see how I am

Why am I so unworthy of love

That neither friend nor lover darkens my door

 

No end to the tears, no end to the pain

Except when sleep finds me, an escape from my life

What reason have I to go on without you?

What reason have I to live through my life?

 

I have family

I have debts

I have responsibilities galore

But none of them impel me to live

Just to survive, nothing more

 

When will my life begin again?

When will I stop missing your voice?

When will I stop wondering how you are,

And if you miss me at all.

 

I’m stuck in the limbo of life without love,

Unable to live,

Unable to die.

Dragging myself from one day to the next,

Wanting to die, wanting to die.

[moon]

It sounds like you really need to get this man off the the Godlike pedestal you've put him on. Why is he so great? Nobody is perfect. He dumped you right?

 

You're just at the early stages of your break up. I think the stages go denial, anger and then acceptance.

It sounds like you are clinging to the denial stage. I bet you once the anger phase hits that you'll probably not want to see his smug face anymore in class or elsewhere. My anger phase lasted a long time more than my denial phase. But then I guess we are always going to be in a bit of denial after a break up happens and if you're the one who got dumped. I think all dumpees hope that their dumpers will realize they made a mistake, even if it's a few years down the road and you're with somebody else. Getting dumped hurts.

 

But why would your ex spend all this time with you in a relationship, which it sounds like you were completely devoted to, and then dump you? What was in it for him? My point is it couldn't have been that perfect!!!

 

Is your ex a total mama's boy? I know those types. The ones who can never find a women who worships them enough--even if they are the ones with all the problems. You sound like you're just clinging to him in hopes of getting some sort of reinforcement and he's just saying no thanks.

 

I really feel for you. Are you in therapy? I'd try working on getting your own life back apart from the vacuum that was your ex boyfriend. It sounds like he's really sucked you dry. Don't allow yourself to hero worship your ex. Nobody is that wonderful in real life. You really should try to get over this because it's going to hurt that much more when and if he gets a new girlfriend. By starting to move on you will at least be more mentally prepared for further separation from this man. Good luck. Try the NC thing. It works well. You just have to shut them out of your life for good. Seriously!! They have already closed the door. You have to be the one to stop banging on it and move on with your life. You don't really have a choice. Take care of yourself!!

[CaGirl1980]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're having so much trouble. I just wanted to say that it's okay! 3 and a half years is a long time to give up. Of course you loved him if you were planning on spending the rest of your life with him. Love doesn't just go away in 3 weeks. You probably still need a lot more time. If you don't give yourself time to get completely over him then it'll be a lot harder in the long run. There are no rules on how to grieve properly. I would try surrounding yourself with friends and family as much as possible. Be with people who do love and will always be there for you. Also, I don't know if this is the case for you, but for me it was always so easy to fall in love with the whole dream of having the husband who would always be there, the nice house, the kids, the everything. The person I was dating at the time would always just fall into that piece that completed the picture, and every time I'd get dumped I'd be convinced that the dream would just never happen, or that it just wouldn't be the same without that person. I know you probably don't want to hear it, but it's true that everything happens for a reason, and I'm sure it'll work out in the end. Just don't try to hurry it up and shut it off, because unfortunately it doesn't work like that. Everyone is different, and everyone has their own way of dealing with things, so take the time you need. I'm sure there are tons of people in your life who know how great you are and love you a great deal. I hope everything works out. *Hugs*

[hurtangel]

I really do feel for you. For me it was 3 years and when it did happen I was devastated.

Its been 3 months for me now and I'm sort of going into the anger stage. Still asking myself over

and over why? why? why? My ex never gave me a closer. Just said he needed a "Break" cause

he never really dated much and I was his first real girlfriend. Now, he is 40 years old - and I know

cheated on me - but I forgave him but never forgot.

 

Time is the best healer and be surrounded by as many friends and family as you possibly can.

 

For me his family still keeps in touch (part of his family). But I have to break free of that - it

always brings me down. They basically had a part in the reasoning for breaking up, so its

hard.

 

Hang in there - we are here for you.

 

"Hurt Angel"

[greenhorn]

Originally posted by katiebour

He wants to be friends, and I don't have a lot of friends, and I have a hard time making them. I want to be his friend- no, I want to be his lover, his wife, his partner, and his friend- but I'll settle for friend. Anyway, I don't neccessarily expect replies to this message- I'm not really open to hearing "get over him" or "try NC" I can't and I won't. I just need to share my feelings with someone.

 

 

Ok i wont suggest doing NC or getting over him but just this

 

Never date a friend and once you are lovers you can never become friends.You wont agree to me now but someday i know you will have to.

[roxy_1980]

I'm more worried about you, rather than your chances of reconciling right now. In your poem you mentioned death (specifically your death) several times. Speaking about death, especially after a traumatic event, like you are is a warning sign for suicide. (This comes from experience, not public service announcements, my friend was writing like you are right before he did). You really should go seek counselling, if this is the case. Here at LoveShack we're here for you, but really don't have the expertise to help problems of that magnitude.

 

At the very least you have the symptoms of clinical depression.

 

Worried,

Roxy

[Foolish]

*hugs!*

 

I know exactly what you're going through. I was with my boy for 2 years and we broke up about 3 weeks ago.

I have moved interstate to be with my family. I miss him crazily but I think that moving away was the best decision I've made.

 

We still talk on the phone, not every day, but once or twice a week. He says I am his best friend and he doesn't want me to exit his life completely and I feel the same about him. It's great being around my family and meeting new people, being a new place... sort of cements in the fact that I am starting over.

 

I was in denial for the first couple of weeks after, now I feel as if I am slowly starting to come out of this.

 

At the moment I feel as if I have a huge hole in my heart and my life because I have lost more than a person, but half of myself, a whole lotta hopes and dreams for our future and my best friend. Over the last few weeks I have spoken to so many people regarding my situation; family, friends, people I've just met... and they all say the same thing, which is, "I've been there before and, trust me, it does get better and you do move on." I've heard it sooooo much that I have accepted the fact that IT WILL HAPPEN.

 

I know that this is infuriating and frustrating and painful but only one thing will heal you completely and that is TIME. It's slow and painful but it does work.

 

The best advice I can give you is STAY BUSY... completely max out you calender. Go on a holiday. Visit your family. Bury yourself in work! Just don't allow yourself to sit around... because that's when you feel most lonely and vulnerable and start to think about everything. Stay busy... especially on the weekends. Because, the time that will heal you will go quicker if you are busy.

 

Stay strong and look towards the future not the past.