RobertV Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I've been to this forum multiple times and have always seen great insight. Now I have an issue of my own I'd love to get some advice on I [22/m] have been dating my gf [22/f] for 6years with a break in between (5weeks). We’ve been long distance for about two years because of school, but that’ll end in about 18months. We have had some issues in our time together like her being really naïve. For instance, she hung out with the guy she hooked up with during our break a few times and when I told her it bothered me she said she’d stop if I asked. Nice gesture, but do I really have to ask? I also always plan and pay for my flights to visit her(she hasn’t visited me yet) and our sex life is nearly nonexistent. I told her these problems numerous times and she said she’d try to work on them but really hasn’t. Recently I told her I need some space to think about things and she did a big 180. Tells me she’ll try harder and that she loves me/see me as her future husband. Sadly I haven’t felt that way for a while now. I feel terrible cause she is a very sweet girl with good morals and I love her so much. It tore me up seeing her crying after our talk. We don’t really share any similar hobbies or humor and though I initiate sex I haven’t been physically attracted to her for a while now. I still enjoy her company, but I don’t want the fact that we’ve been together for so long to overlook that MAYBE Im not as happy in this relationship anymore. I need some input on a few things. 1) Does this sound like the typical “grass is greener” issue? 2) Is my youth and the fact that I’ve only dated this one girl causing me to overlook a good relationship? 3) I understand that honeymoon phase goes away, but for those of you who are married or deeply in love what feeling do you get with your partner? I ask this cause I felt that butterfly/deep passion for a while but it seems gone now. If anyone has had this feeling and either ended things or found a way to fix it I would love to hear that too. Thanks for all those willing to read this and I’m sorry if I sound like a jerk or am being immature. I just can’t think clearly. I’ll answer any confusions or questions
ThatGirl213 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I've been to this forum multiple times and have always seen great insight. Now I have an issue of my own I'd love to get some advice on I [22/m] have been dating my gf [22/f] for 6years with a break in between (5weeks). We’ve been long distance for about two years because of school, but that’ll end in about 18months. We have had some issues in our time together like her being really naïve. For instance, she hung out with the guy she hooked up with during our break a few times and when I told her it bothered me she said she’d stop if I asked. Nice gesture, but do I really have to ask? I also always plan and pay for my flights to visit her(she hasn’t visited me yet) and our sex life is nearly nonexistent. I told her these problems numerous times and she said she’d try to work on them but really hasn’t. Recently I told her I need some space to think about things and she did a big 180. Tells me she’ll try harder and that she loves me/see me as her future husband. Sadly I haven’t felt that way for a while now. I feel terrible cause she is a very sweet girl with good morals and I love her so much. It tore me up seeing her crying after our talk. We don’t really share any similar hobbies or humor and though I initiate sex I haven’t been physically attracted to her for a while now. I still enjoy her company, but I don’t want the fact that we’ve been together for so long to overlook that MAYBE Im not as happy in this relationship anymore. I need some input on a few things. 1) Does this sound like the typical “grass is greener” issue? 2) Is my youth and the fact that I’ve only dated this one girl causing me to overlook a good relationship? 3) I understand that honeymoon phase goes away, but for those of you who are married or deeply in love what feeling do you get with your partner? I ask this cause I felt that butterfly/deep passion for a while but it seems gone now. If anyone has had this feeling and either ended things or found a way to fix it I would love to hear that too. Thanks for all those willing to read this and I’m sorry if I sound like a jerk or am being immature. I just can’t think clearly. I’ll answer any confusions or questions I think the relationship got boring. You guys are having an LDR and plus there is nothing exciting anymore. If you are not physically attracted to her or have no feelings for her or don't see a future with her, then there is no point of continuing the relationship. Let her go so she can find someone who genuinely loves her. You guys are young. Never been in any other relationships probably. Go explore. Don't stay in any relationship for the other person. That could even make you want to cheat which will not turn out too well for either of you. Good thing is you feel like this now and not after you two got married or have kids involved. If you really want it to work, then you gotta make it exciting. Try to surprise her once in awhile. Send each other flirty sexual texts during the day. Plan skype dress up dates. Anything to excite each other and have it going. Relationships get boring from time to time. They get stagnant when you stop putting time and energy into it. You have to put in a lot of work. 1
Els Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Given that you're both 22 (so that means you've been together since 16), IMO this R has just run its course. People rarely end up with the first person they date, because at 16 it's unusual for you to know what you really want or need in a partner. A few people do end up in happy, enduring Rs with the person they got together with in high school, but they are very much the rarity and not the norm. Given all that you've said about your R, notably that you don't share any hobbies or humor and you're not physically attracted to her, those all don't sound easily fixable. An older married couple could perhaps work on these slowly (and usually painfully), but at 22 and not even living together, I don't think that is necessary or even a good idea. You're both not compatible, and it seems that the only thing holding you back is familiarity. Perhaps it would be best to part ways. 2
Author RobertV Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Thegirl213: The boring part is kind of what I was thinking but I wasn't sure if that's this relationship or just a point most relationships get to. I would never cheat or consider it but I understand what you mean. I'm just afraid I'll date a bit and realize I had something good, but that isn't fair for her. Would it be wrong to tell her I wanna stay together so I can see how the changes in her effort and even mine go and if it doesn't work we end it? Elswyrh: I feel like you are right but I wonder if what I'm feeling happens in relationships and people work through them. Some days I feel I can be in this and other days I feel I should end it. I'm never very confident about either and I don't know how I can be. In the end I know I have to make a decision
xxmusical Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Would it be wrong to tell her I wanna stay together so I can see how the changes in her effort and even mine go and if it doesn't work we end it? I think it's worth a try to see if she really tries to make an effort. But given the amount of time you two have already been together, a quick change on her part might not be happening. Some days I feel I can be in this and other days I feel I should end it. I'm never very confident about either and I don't know how I can be. In the end I know I have to make a decision Relationship is both ways. Both sides need to make the effort. Are you confident that she will really change? How far away is the distance between you two? Also, may I ask what caused that 5-weeks break? I've been in my relationship for 8 years. It's normal to lose that initial spark/butterfly feeling. Sometimes the spark is gone and seeing the other person becomes almost like a chore. How do we fix this? We plan special dates; we go somewhere DIFFERENT (not just the normal movies/dinner thing, but places like taking a hike or going to a faraway beach, etc). But what really makes this work is that both person is willing to make it happen. For your case, it appears that you're the only one making plans for visits, dates, etc while your gf's not putting the effort. You will grow very, very tired of this if this imbalance continues. Good luck.
soccerrprp Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 This is not fixable. She became animated about changing after she realized what she may lose. You've expressed your concerns and little or nothing was done on her part. It's done. She may change in the short-term, but it will be back to what it was...as others have said, there are additional reasons why this relationship may have run its course.
Els Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Elswyrh: I feel like you are right but I wonder if what I'm feeling happens in relationships and people work through them. Some days I feel I can be in this and other days I feel I should end it. I'm never very confident about either and I don't know how I can be. In the end I know I have to make a decision Yes, all Rs do need effort from both sides to keep the spark up, as honeymoons don't last forever. But the complaints that you have strike me as basic incompatibilities rather than just 'lost spark' that can be rekindled. How do you change someone's sense of humor and interests? You can't, and shouldn't. My SO and I have been together for as long as you have (though we did start several years later, and we were not each others' firsts). Sure it isn't exactly the same as when we first started, and we've had to work through some issues too. But there is still passion, we are still happy, and we still share each others' humor and hobbies, as we did when we first started. 1
ThatGirl213 Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Thegirl213: The boring part is kind of what I was thinking but I wasn't sure if that's this relationship or just a point most relationships get to. I would never cheat or consider it but I understand what you mean. I'm just afraid I'll date a bit and realize I had something good, but that isn't fair for her. Would it be wrong to tell her I wanna stay together so I can see how the changes in her effort and even mine go and if it doesn't work we end it? It is not wrong to want to give the relationship another chance. Yes you can tell her you want to see how much efforts she puts in. But do it if thats what you really want. Just gonna quote this..'Change what you can change right now, not six months later coz you will lose six months in the process.'
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