Bcole Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Met a man at a wedding a few months ago. We were both with dates but i always knew I'd like to get to know him if an oppritunity arose. Now that it has, we've been texting and talking on the phone more and more the last two weeks. He invited me over to his place to have a few drinks after work tomorrow. He's 10 years older and from what my friends have told me, he's a good guy. Why would a man ask you over to his place, instead of a public place? First thing that comes to mind is that he's hoping for a hook up, lil nookie. Isn't that how similar situations usually go down? I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'm young and naive. Don't want to feel like a piece of meat...or It won't end well Do you guys think this is a normal first date/hang out arrangment?
SoleMate Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Blecchh, I wouldn't agree to this unless you really want him pawing you all over. He may as well have offered you a "submarine ride". A first date should always be in public. My 2c. 5
babycakees Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I would not go to a man's place for a first date. He should be taking you out somewhere nice so that you can have good conversation and enjoy each other's company. This has looking for a hookup written all over it. 7
Author Bcole Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Yep I'm feeling the same way... Sucks bc I'm totally down to sit outside have a few drinks, hang out, get to know each other, ect. Just like i do with my girlfriends. But I have a feeling its going to unfold a little differently. This sucks.
CarrieT Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 But I have a feeling its going to unfold a little differently. Then why do it? This sucks. It doesn't have to. You DO have the ability to back-pedal and tell him you are uncomfortable going to his house and suggesting a public meeting place first. 2
Versacehottie Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 it doesn't really matter what he actually plans to do. He should be smart enough to figure out that it will be viewed by you as him trying to only hookup and if he has good intentions, he should care what you think and be worried about messing it up, ESPECIALLY first time you meet up. it reeks of lazy, unimaginative and yes out for sex only. I would test him to see if he is as willing if you want to meet out rather than at his place. Check him. 1
Author Bcole Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 I was trying to keep an open mind about him, he did have me going there for a little bit. I feel cheap and disrespected and i haven't even gone on the dang date. Therefore, I'm going to 'abort mission' and find a real man. NEXT. 3
SJC2008 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Instead of trying to guess what he wants (we know) look at the *effort* he's putting in.He won't even meet you somewhere for drinks/dinner/a walk. You're low on his titem pole, so low he's willing to risk you telling him to buzz off and/or he read you well and knows he can get you over to his place. The fact that you're posting about it tells me it may be the latter. 1
Noproblem Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Don't go unless you are ready to have sex ............. 3
Andy_K Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 You've been talking for a month. Ditching him for the mere suggestion of going to his place is jumping the gun. At least tell him you'd rather go somewhere public and see if he is okay with it. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 It depends if you feel comfortable in having sex with him or not. Some relationships start out like that. Most don't. But yeah, if you aren't ready for sex don't go. I have never had a man not try to have sex with me on "home" dates. 3
Author Bcole Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Maybe he's not a good date planner, some guys are and some guys aren't. ill also give him benefit of doubt that safety concerns most women have, didn't occur to him bc in his mind, he'd never harm one. I'll make different suggestion as there are plenty of things to do in our city that do not cost a lot of money. It's just inappropriate for any woman to meet a stranger, at night, in an isolated place they are unfamiliar with! It's not about who's smarter, it's who has the most street smarts;).
Kid_Charlemange Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Why would a man ask you over to his place, instead of a public place? First thing that comes to mind is that he's hoping for a hook up, lil nookie. Yep. Be upfront, tell him you'd rather meet at a bar or something. Go onto Yelp and pick a place near where he lives and asks if he knows about it, and say "Ooh sounds nice, let's meet there." If he balks, then you he's not really interested dating you just...
babycakees Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I did not go over to my current boyfriend's place until about the 5th date. And I was even hesitant then. But he ended up being a perfect gentleman (one of the many reasons he is now my boyfriend).
HappyLove Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Never ever get pressured into something your gut is telling you not to do! Your gut is telling you not to trust this so don't. 99% of the time when a man invites you to his house he's going to try something. I don't know about you but I'm worth a proper date. Especially for a first date. This guy is ordering a date like he's ordering pizza, doesn't even have to get off the couch. You set the precedent on how a relationship is going to proceed in the beginning. It usually goes downhill from here, first date at his house second date you get to clean his oven. Remember two things, you teach people how to treat you and people only do what you allow them to. 1
MissBee Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 It's "normal" in the sense that in this hook-up, hang-out culture people do it often...but for me it's not acceptable. When I was younger and had less standards I'd allow it and go "hang out" at a man's house which ALWAYS led to him trying to get sex and has never turned into anything of substance. Now, I'd NEVER allow that and would drop a man who suggested it. At the least you should suggest something else. You feel uncomfortable with this obviously, no need to ask if it's normal, if it's uncomfortable FOR YOU, that's who matters. Listen to your intuition and suggest elsewhere. If he reacts badly you'll have your answer about the kind of man he is.
d0nnivain Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Maybe he's not a good date planner, some guys are and some guys aren't. ill also give him benefit of doubt that safety concerns most women have, didn't occur to him bc in his mind, he'd never harm one. I'll make different suggestion as there are plenty of things to do in our city that do not cost a lot of money. It's just inappropriate for any woman to meet a stranger, at night, in an isolated place they are unfamiliar with! It's not about who's smarter, it's who has the most street smarts;). I think this is a better idea then just giving up on him. Don't feel cheap or disrespected just yet. Take it as a bit of flattery that he may be interested in sex with you but don't go to his house. If he isn't interested in getting together with you anyplace other than his house, then you can feel disrespected. 1
FitChick Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I agree with the plan to give him a couple of alternate suggestions, none of which involve him coming to your house or you to his, before or after. Make up a story of having to feed a friend's cat or bring soup to a sick cousin. If he balks and doesn't come up with a better alternative, "Maybe we can make plans some other time." The fact that he'd try to pull this crap, especially if you have mutual friends, speaks volumes about his character.
babycakees Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Be open and honest with this guy. Tell him you are not comfortable hanging out at his house on a first date and ask if he'd like to get coffee instead.
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