Heartbroken and feeling pathetic [updates]

[music_and_poetry]

So I'm new here and I'm here because I'm broken. I'm not even sure if what I'm going through constitutes as a break-up. None the less, it feels just as painful.

 

Here's the deal. I won't bore you with the details but I recently pulled myself up from a rough patch and have made a ton of improvements on my life. I've graduated college, gotten my first job in my field, and lost about 25 lbs due to healthy eating and exercise. For the first time in a long time, I was feeling good about myself and confident. As a result, I attracted a really nice fellow at a party of one of our mutual friends back in February.

 

He wasn't like the guys I typically dated but I was enjoying the time I spent with him and feeling happy and wonderful. We started dating in March around St. Patrick's day and seeing each other 1-2 days a week. It was great in the beginning. As things progressed, I began to see problems. Despite 3 months of dating, there didn't seem to be any progression toward a relationship and despite our weekly dates (or hangouts as they had eventually become), he had stopped putting in any effort on his end and settled into a routine where I was doing all the work. I consistently drove out to him each week, we barely talked during the week, he barely acknowledged my birthday, and it seemed at a stand still. I was feeling very frustrated with the situation so I finally talked to him and asked him how he was feeling about things. His words were, "I really like you and hanging out but I'm still not 100 percent on things yet." I then responded by saying that was fine but currently I was the person doing all the driving, and putting in all the effort which didn't feel fair. I also recently found out my work schedule was changing which meant a 5 minute drive to his house would become a 40 minute one. I told him that I would be more inclined to make the drive if he put in some effort with the communication, or drove to my area once in a while.

 

I didn't really get the response I wanted from him and left his place feeling pretty bummed. As the week went by, I heard nothing and began to feel angry like he wasn't acknowledging my feelings at all. I was preparing myself for the worst - calling the whole thing off even though I liked him and cared for him a lot. Then, 3 days later, he messaged me on Facebook chat, of all things and said he had thought over what I said and agreed that I made valid points. I was pretty annoyed with him so I waited until the next morning. I thought he was going to be open to talking things out, so I said, "glad you agree, so going forward do you have any idea of what things could potentially change?" He answered back and said, "I'm not sure - I really did enjoy getting to know you and I don't want to hurt your feelings but I think with the way things are and where we are in life a serious relationship wouldn't be the right thing."

 

I'm crushed. I spent 3 months dating this guy putting my heart into the effort. We both agreed we weren't seeing other people and I felt very taken advantage of. As much as I wanted to say, "ok take care", I had other things I wanted to say. I basically said to him, "I think you're right. You're not ready and we're clearly in different places. I also enjoyed getting to know you. We had some good things but you should know that stringing me along while you took your "sweet time" to figure things out was a ****ty thing to do. I'll admit it caught me off guard and I didn't expect that from you. I'm pretty angry and I've lost some respect for you as a result. Since you're not sure about going forward, please don't even bother. I know we're in the same circle of friends but there is really no need for you to act as if nothing has changed."

 

To which he responded, "I'm sorry my intention never was to hurt you. I thought we were both on the same page as far as taking it slow and figuring out what we wanted. Again I apologize for the way things went."

 

I then said to him, "I'm pretty sure I was clear with you about what I was looking for and that I didn't want to put up with bull****. I said I was ok with taking it slow but I also said I didn't want to be jerked around. I think you need to remember that I gave you a chance, I included you in my life, I drove to you after work, I missed my favorite show every Tuesday night to spend time with you. I missed the season finale to hang out with you. Not everyone gets that privilege. Do me a favor and think this over and maybe you'll understand why I'm so pissed at you. Just fyi I was never 100 percent with you at any point either. I liked you, I cared about you, I wanted reciprocation. I don't think that was a lot to ask but it seems like a lot to you. I don't know what the deal is and it's really not my problem. I just think I can be treated better than this."

 

It said he read that last message but he never responded to it. He was never officially my boyfriend but I still feel pretty heartbroken. We're still Facebook friends. It's been about two weeks and neither of us have contacted the other. My pride won't let me contact him after that and I wonder if he'll ever contact me. I wish I knew what was going through his head. It drives me crazy. He liked one of my facebook statuses two days after I sent that message where I announced that I got hired at a charter school in September. He hasn't liked anything since or tried to contact me. I don't know if he ever will.

 

I've been doing NC even though it feels silly since he's not my ex. I'm trying valiantly to improve myself. I'm set to start 3 jobs in September. I've been teaching myself Ukulele, Italian, and Spanish. I auditioned to be a lead singer in a local NJ rock band and I got a call back for a second audition! I started some new work-outs today and kick started a new diet. I feel pretty good about these good things happening in my life but I still feel hurt about this guy. I'm actually putting myself on a Facebook cleanse (no checking Facebook for two weeks) just to give myself some space from feeling desperate and sad that he hasn't contacted me.

 

Do you guys think it's foolish that I'm still holding out some kind of hope for this situation? If so, any suggestions for how I can heal my heart faster? Also, I will most likely run into him eventually since we have the same group of friends. Any suggestions for when I do? Opinions welcome.

[music_and_poetry]

Here's the deal: I was dating a guy I was really into for three months. We never became bf/gf but I was seeing him 1-2 times per week and I was really into him. We talked about it having potential to become something more serious.

 

I do know that before me he was involved in a pretty serious 5 year relationship where they lived together. They broke up over a year ago and he had dated some other girls before me. I didn't feel like this was a rebound situation but maybe it was.

 

At first things were great (we had about a 40 minute drive between us) and we'd meet up at locations for drinks or dinner. As things settled down, we realized that I worked near the area he lives on Tuesdays and I started driving to his place after work. This eventually fell into a routine where it was pretty much assumed I'd be going there on Tuesdays and he stopped putting in effort on his end. Plus we weren't talking much outside of the nights we saw eachother. By the time June came around and he barely acknowledged my birthday, I was beginning to resent it.

 

I finally told him that in order for me to continue driving 40 minutes out of my way each week, then he would have to put in some effort on his end either with driving or communication. Instead of agreeing to put effort in, he sent me a facebook chat message 3 days later saying that considering where we both were in life he didn't think a serious relationship would be the right thing. I was crushed but I told him off and said that stringing me along for three months while he took his time figuring that out was a ****ty thing to do and I didn't appreciate it. I also told him that I liked him and cared about him and wanted reciprocation and that I didn't think that was asking for much but it seemed like a big deal to him. He never answered that message. We're still Facebook friends and it's been about two weeks since that conversation.

 

My question is... I'm feeling pretty sad. Do you think NC could work in this situation? I feel pretty hopeless. I've deleted his number from my phone and all our texts, I've removed his updates from Facebook. I posted a lot of fun pics of me going out and having fun with friends at the beach and carnivals. I'm trying to get my life together. I'm starting 3 teaching jobs in September, I'm teaching myself Spanish and Italian. I'm learning ukulele. I'm starting some new fitness routines and eating better. I also auditioned to be a lead singer in a local rock band and got a call back! I have exciting things happening but I still feel sad. I'm trying to do a 2 week Facebook cleanse. No looking, no posting just to get on with my life. Am I doing the right things? Do you think there's a chance he could come back?

[exhausted1]

There's always a chance they could come back and NC works for all scenarios but you're viewing NC the wrong way. It is meant for you to reflect, learn and move on from what happened, not as a means of getting the other person back. That way, if they do come back, you can evaluate it from an honest and rational point of view whether or not you want that person back.

 

It is much easier said than done. I too have felt this way and will probably continue to feel this way. Nobody wants to feel rejected and nobody should feel rejected. But unfortunately, that's not reality. You think to yourself "hey maybe if they don't hear from me, they'll miss me enough and want me back". Just do you, for you and not for anyone else, especially someone who broke your heart. Once you do that, the irrational emotional attachment to those memories will fade with time.

 

I am currently going through heartbreak so I can relate. I still think about my current ex. She was the best one up to date and it has only been 4 days for me. I do think about my past exes from time to time but they no longer draw the turbulent emotions they once did. In due time, my current situation will fall in line as a memory as well. At least that's what I have to keep telling myself.

[d0nnivain]

NC will work to help you heal. It's not designed to make the other person miss you so they want to come back. If you want to reconcile, you have to talk. Since he's the one unwilling to work on the relationship or put in effort, no I don't think it will work. I think he will move on to some other person who makes it easy for him.

[music_and_poetry]

There's always a chance they could come back and NC works for all scenarios but you're viewing NC the wrong way. It is meant for you to reflect, learn and move on from what happened, not as a means of getting the other person back. That way, if they do come back, you can evaluate it from an honest and rational point of view whether or not you want that person back.

 

It is much easier said than done. I too have felt this way and will probably continue to feel this way. Nobody wants to feel rejected and nobody should feel rejected. But unfortunately, that's not reality. You think to yourself "hey maybe if they don't hear from me, they'll miss me enough and want me back". Just do you, for you and not for anyone else, especially someone who broke your heart. Once you do that, the irrational emotional attachment to those memories will fade with time.

 

I am currently going through heartbreak so I can relate. I still think about my current ex. She was the best one up to date and it has only been 4 days for me. I do think about my past exes from time to time but they no longer draw the turbulent emotions they once did. In due time, my current situation will fall in line as a memory as well. At least that's what I have to keep telling myself.

 

I do understand that NC is meant to heal your own heart and self and that's what I'm trying to do. I am feeling somewhat better but still a little sad. I've started re-teaching myself Spanish and learning Italian. I am also teaching myself the Ukulele. I've changed up my fitness routine to incorporate belly dance and yoga (I'm going to start taking lessons at a studio next month!). I'm writing and I also auditioned for a local NJ rock band as their new lead singer and got a call back! In addition to learning all these new skills and joining a band, I also am starting 3 part-time jobs in September teaching music in a charter school and two private music studios. Event though I have so many awesome things going on, I can't help missing him and hoping he gets his act together and apologizes for leading me on for three months. I can't help but want that. I hate thinking that I wasted all my time with this person who never even cared about me.

 

As for your latest heartbreak, I'm sorry. The first few days of NC are always the hardest as I'm sure you know. The good news is, since she was the best one to date, you know what it's like to have someone who deserves being with you. The next person you meet will be a step forward from that and not a step back. Hopefully.

[music_and_poetry]

NC will work to help you heal. It's not designed to make the other person miss you so they want to come back. If you want to reconcile, you have to talk. Since he's the one unwilling to work on the relationship or put in effort, no I don't think it will work. I think he will move on to some other person who makes it easy for him.

 

I don't think anyone will make it easier than I did, unless they had no respect for themselves. I drove to his apartment every Tuesday after work. We barely talked during the week outside of when we saw each other. I found out my job was changing my schedule again and my drive was going to go from being 5 minutes to 40. I finally said I wanted more effort either with communication or him doing some of the driving. Then he messages me on Facebook and says he agrees with what I said. When I asked him what he thought could change going forward, he said he didn't think a serious relationship would be the best thing.

 

I didn't let it go there. I was angry and I felt like I needed to tell him how I felt. I told him I enjoyed getting to know him and we had some good times but stringing me along while he took his "sweet time" figuring things out was a ****ty thing to do. I said since he wasn't sure about going forward to not even bother and that even though we were in the same circle of friends there was no need for him to act as if nothing had changed.

 

He then replied saying he was sorry and never meant to hurt me and that he thought we agreed to take things slow to figure out what we wanted. This was a stupid cop-out and I didn't appreciate him trying to place the blame on me so here's what I said:

 

I think I was pretty clear about what I was looking for and that I didn't want to deal with bull****. I said I was okay with taking it slow but I didn't want to be jerked around. I think you need to remember that I gave you a chance. I drove to you after work. I spent my time with you. I missed my favorite show every Tuesday night to hang out with you instead. Not everyone gets that privilege. Do me a favor and think this over and maybe you'll understand why I'm so pissed at you. Just fyi I was never 100 percent with you at any point either. I liked you, I cared about you and I wanted reciprocation. I don't think that was a lot to ask but it seems like a lot to you. I don't know what the deal is and its really not my problem. I just think I can be treated better than this.

 

I sent that and he never responded. I don't really have any regrets about sending it. I feel strongly about what I said. I'm still hoping he pulls his head out of his ass and realize he behaved like a jerk. I'm trying to work on myself in the meantime and do NC to keep myself sane. He liked one of my statuses on Facebook a few days after we ended things but I haven't gotten anything from him since. It's been a little over two weeks. I'm on a Facebook "cleanse" for the next two weeks. There might be a message from him but I'm not checking my Facebook right now. I just need some distance right now.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think he will "pull his head out of his ass" as you put it. Frankly that takes more effort then I see this guy be willing to assert.

[music_and_poetry]

NC will work to help you heal. It's not designed to make the other person miss you so they want to come back. If you want to reconcile, you have to talk. Since he's the one unwilling to work on the relationship or put in effort, no I don't think it will work. I think he will move on to some other person who makes it easy for him.

 

I don't think he will "pull his head out of his ass" as you put it. Frankly that takes more effort then I see this guy be willing to assert.

 

That's unfortunate. I wasted three months on someone I thought was a good person. He's in my group of friends. How am I supposed to deal when we bump into each other down the line?

[music_and_poetry]

So when the guy I was dating the past 3 months suddenly told me he didn't think we were in a place in our lives where a serious relationship would be the best thing I'll admit I lost it. I cried and felt totally crushed.

 

I've had guys do this to me before and I thought this one would be different and he just turned out to be another jerk. Normally in the past I would just let them go with grace and dignity but this time I was pissed and I wanted to to make sure he knew.

 

I actually waited a few hours to message him back so my head was in a calm place when I wrote the message. Even though I was angry, I never once insulted him or anything petty or childish. I told him that what he did was ****ty and I didn't expect it from him and that I was angry. He had the nerve to answer back saying that he never meant to hurt me and thought that we had agreed to take it slow and figure out what we wanted.

 

I told him that I agreed to take it slow but I also explained to him that I didn't want to be jerked around. I then proceeded to remind him that I gave him a chance, included him in my life, drove out to him after work and cared about him and the only thing I asked for was reciprocation which I didn't think was a lot but seemed like a lot to him. I told him I didn't understand what his deal was and it wasn't my problem but I knew I could be treated better than this. He never responded to that message so I don't know how he felt after reading it. Or if he cared at all.

 

It's been two weeks since I sent that message and I've heard nothing from him aside from him liking one of my Facebook statuses. I'm still angry with him and everytime I look over my message to him, I still feel no regret. I'm glad that for once I didn't hide my feelings and told him exactly how I feel. And I hope it made him feel guilty. In fact, even though I'm in no contact and on a Facebook "cleanse" I'm still really, really pissed. Do you think I'll get an apology from him eventually?

[music_and_poetry]

More good stuff is coming my way! Job interview went well yesterday (I think) and I'm also kind of excited to report that I've been talking to a really sweet guy these past few days. Not totally sure where this is going to go but conversation is so much easier with him than it was with the last guy. He's really funny and really seems to care about me. He wants to take me out on Monday night (both of us have the day off) and I think I might let him. For those of you who are wondering, no I'm not totally over the last guy who broke my heart but I am realizing a little more each day that I do deserve something better. I really gave the last guy my heart and he just totally stomped on it and made me feel terrible for caring at all. This new guy is such a contrast from that and I think I need to open myself up to that instead of letting my heartbreak dictate my happiness. Thoughts?

[Chi townD]

GOOD! But, if you're still not over the other guy, then don't jump in with both feet. That isn't fair to you or this new guy.

 

 

If you go out (and I think you should), go out with the intention of just having fun. No expectations. No pressure. Just a night out on the town with a really great guy.

[music_and_poetry]

GOOD! But, if you're still not over the other guy, then don't jump in with both feet. That isn't fair to you or this new guy.

 

 

If you go out (and I think you should), go out with the intention of just having fun. No expectations. No pressure. Just a night out on the town with a really great guy.

 

Wow @Chi town it's like you read my mind. No I don't want to jump into something at all but I do think I deserve to be spending my time with someone who actually cares about me rather than dwelling on someone who clearly doesn't.