Husband unblocking family of OW on Facebook

July 8, 2014

I do hope your H wakes up and fast.

Is he going to counseling with you? I do hope the counselor will tell him that you are going thru so much right now with his A and your pregnancy.

July 8, 2014

OK my friend- the core issue is not really FB or blocking or unblocking or whatever- he could have just been curious-the issue is not being truthful-
If he was curious about whats going on in her life, that would be painful but not a deal killer-being untruthful about what he is thinking/feeling is a huge problem-

You guys can not heal and trust again without honesty- we had a bout of this early on when my husband with held a few details he knew were important (but painful) to me- he said he did it as to not hurt me anymore and because he was afraid that would be the last straw-

What I broke it down to for him (he needs simple, because my moods and feels were/are so complex and up and down)-I told him I will not tolerate lying- I deserve honesty, I want honesty and I will not live without honesty in my marriage-

It got pretty easy from there- he was 100% honest, even when it hurt like hell, even when it meant an hour long argument over something small-even when it made him look really, really bad-

Your husband will falter and do things that hurt, but he needs to be honest- demand it for yourself-you are worth it and its the only way to move forward-

Hugs to you!

Agree. FB is something and nothing: my xH friend requested me and, after discussing it with my H, I accepted. After all, it's been decades since the D, I have no feelings positive nor negative toward him, and given that we were both FB friends with our kids, and do occasionally now encounter each other socially around them, there was no obvious reason not to. I simply put him in an outer circle of people I scarcely know, don't follow his posts on FB so he's not in my newsfeed, and if he comments on a post by a mutual friend I respond or not as I feel like.

My H's xW, OTOH, is blocked on FB by my H, me, the kids, and all our friends. Her motives are simply too questionable. But she is an extreme case.

I would agree that the blocking or not issue on FB is not really the biggie. He may have been curious, hoping to see that she'd moved on so that he could relax more about whether she might reach out to him, or he may have remembered from earlier discussions that about now was when something was due to happen in her / her kid's / etc life that he was curious to see how it panned out. There are many reasons that are largely innocuous for him wanting to have peeked. Or he may simply have wanted her to see how well he was getting on without her, etc - again, nothing terribly sinister.

But for me, the worrying part is that he didn't offer any of these plausible reasons when confronted - he told an obvious lie, and then subsequently attempted to push the focus elsewhere (to the BS) rather than being honest. And that - whatever his original motivation for unblocking - would be cause for concern for me. If he's prepared to lie about something so small, something so easy to disprove, something with so little consequence - he's clearly not done with lying. And in the rebuilding stage of a M, I would guess that that would be Something That Really Mattered.

July 8, 2014

Actually, if you block someone they are unfriended. To see their posts on your news feed you would have to friend them again. You could see posts they make public if you clicked on their page. Maybe he didn't block them but just hid them. Big difference.

Guess I've never unblocked someone I've blocked. I figured if they were friends before, they'd go back on the friends list if unblocked. Even if you're not friends with them, though, if you have mutual friends and most posts are set "friends of friends," you'll see nearly everything on their page. And they'll see nearly everything on yours.

July 8, 2014

Guess I've never unblocked someone I've blocked. I figured if they were friends before, they'd go back on the friends list if unblocked. Even if you're not friends with them, though, if you have mutual friends and most posts are set "friends of friends," you'll see nearly everything on their page. And they'll see nearly everything on yours.

This is true if it is set to 'friends of friends'. I learned that lesson the hard way a few years back.

I agree with coco, the real issue is not FB blocking or not it was the lying about it being an accident.

July 8, 2014

So...I had to make a separate thread because it's really bothering me right now...

My WH says he wants nothing to do with OW, but this weekend I found out he'd unblocked her on FB. As well as her entire family.

Um...OK...WTF?

He says he unblocked her by accident and that he didn't know who the other names were...um...bull****. He knows her daughter's name and her mother's name and they were all unblocked.

Hold your hand out for his computer/phone and, while he watches, REMOVE them from his FB. Hand back the computer/phone and say 'If I ever see her or anyone in her family on your FB again, you will never see me again.'

July 8, 2014

I personally think you are a nice person. I read all your post and you seem very genuine and caring. I don't think you deserve what he is continuing to do to you. I hope you realize you can do better for yourself. Its great some people here are able to reconcile but remember its not for everyone. It really does not sound like he really is into saving his marriage with you. If he was this would not even be a question. He would do everything he could to make you feel comfortable and secure in your marriage with him.

I personally think you need to reevaluate your marriage with him.

Clay

July 8, 2014

I have had this happen to me before I had 4 persons blocked for about a year and then when I updated my Facebook they were unblocked so it could have been Facebook, but I also thought that if you block someone you have to re-friend them as the persons I had blocked were still not friends anymore.

July 8, 2014

He says one thing, but his actions say another.

This is a man who is lying.

July 8, 2014

Facebook is my medium. I use it at work and at home. Like I said in my other post, you can't unblock someone on accident (it would be really hard). Additionally, even if he somehow unblocked three people, he would still see their posts on his news feed. So unless they don't post at all, he would probably know pretty quickly that they were unblocked. He is using Facebook to keep tabs on them.

Blocking them doesn't just stop them from contacting him - it means he can't even SEE them. Not at all. If he blocks OW, then looks for her on her mother's friends list, she will literally show up as anonymous and her posts will be invisible. Blocking someone is more complete than deleting them, because if you delete them, you can still see their public posts or posts to friends of friends.

Unblocking someone means you are wanting to keep tabs on them, whether that is seeing their posts on your news feed or visiting their wall.

Do not let him get away with this. Now that you know about this, he should have blocked them without argument and you should be able to verify it without worry. If he hasn't done that, it's a problem.

Facebook has already caused problems in your relationship, but you still continue to use it. Look, I work in information technology. I have a ton of friends, co-workers, etc. that are social media and web designers and they still do not need a personal facebook. Artists, musicians and anyone who wants to use to social media to promote their work, still do not need a personal facebook. People use facebook because they like the ego boost and there really isn't much more than that behind it. I can stay in touch and share pictures all I want using 1 million other pieces of technology I have in my life (sms, mms, iMessage, gTalk, Facetime, Skype, Personal Website, Instagram, Photobucket, etc, etc, etc) and if I needed a facebook to promote my work, I would do it under my business name.

Why do I not use facebook? Besides all of the security and job stuff, I like the past to be the past. I do not want my partners to have to look at a list of all the people I've had relationships with. I do not want the government having a list of all my friends. I do not want the drama and temptation of looking up "exs" only to be filled with jealousy and hurt. Both yourself and CM have both been hurt by your online communications, yet it seems like you feel like it's something that is necessary for your life when it's not. If you need it for your job, find a new job. I spend all day and all night on a device, own all iPads 1-4 (except air and mini, lol), iPhone 5, iPhone 5s, various android phones and tabs, ultrabooks, macbooks, mac mini, desktops, you get the idea and I do not require a facebook. If you want to use facebook, that's fine, but it's not something that is mission critical to life. If I knew that my internet usage was hurting someone I love, I would stop doing it. You both your and CMs internet usage has hurt your relationship and you continue. One in five divorces now site facebook as a contributing factor to the end of their relationship, so why even take the risk? Is anything so petty worth raising the risk of losing your family? If my partner did all the hurtful things that you (not you specifically, just people who made sex videos with other people in general) did electronically, just seeing you pick up a phone would be a trigger for me. It's like smoking, it's your choice, but that doesn't change the fact that it's extremely unhealthy.

Edited July 8, 2014 by HereNorThere

July 8, 2014

Facebook has already caused problems in your relationship, but you still continue to use it.

OM is blocked and I am not friends with anyone in his family. It's not even an issue. The problem was more of a Google search issue. If I really wanted to "solve" this problem (which is no longer a problem), I should quit search engines, since that was my real issue. Good luck using the internet.

Look, I work in information technology. I have a ton of friends, co-workers, etc. that are social media and web designers and they still do not need a personal facebook. Artists, musicians and anyone who wants to use to social media to promote their work, still do not need a personal facebook.

You are clearly not much of a Facebook user. You have to have a Facebook account to run/moderate a Facebook page. You also rely heavily on your personal FB contacts when you start a Facebook page, because of the way FB is put together.

Facebook is an integral part of my job description. I could get rid of my account and start a different one, but I could not get rid of Facebook altogether and still keep this job. I am the primary social media manager at work, though I have many other duties.

People use facebook because they like the ego boost and there really isn't much more than that behind it. I can stay in touch and share pictures all I want using 1 million other pieces of technology I have in my life (sms, mms, iMessage, gTalk, Facetime, Skype, Personal Website, Instagram, Photobucket, etc, etc, etc) and if I needed a facebook to promote my work, I would do it under my business name.

Why do I not use facebook? Besides all of the security and job stuff, I like the past to be the past. I do not want my partners to have to look at a list of all the people I've had relationships with. I do not want the government having a list of all my friends. I do not want the drama and temptation of looking up "exs" only to be filled with jealousy and hurt. Both yourself and CM have both been hurt by your online communications, yet it seems like you feel like it's something that is necessary for your life when it's not. If you need it for your job, find a new job.

Suggesting I quit my job because I use Facebook there: idiotic and nonsensical. I love my job. During the recession, it took me three years to find a position like this one, and I lucked into it. Jobs like this in my relatively small town are not available often and usually go to someone with more experience.

I started this job post-DDay, and having a job I love and feel valued at has been one of the biggest contributors to H and my R. If you can quit your job and find a new one just like that, go ahead, but don't assume that the rest of us can.

I spend all day and all night on a device, own all iPads 1-4 (except air and mini, lol), iPhone 5, iPhone 5s, various android phones and tabs, ultrabooks, macbooks, mac mini, desktops, you get the idea and I do not require a facebook. If you want to use facebook, that's fine, but it's not something that is mission critical to life. If I knew that my internet usage was hurting someone I love, I would stop doing it. You both your and CMs internet usage has hurt your relationship and you continue. One in five divorces now site facebook as a contributing factor to the end of their relationship, so why even take the risk? Is anything so petty worth raising the risk of losing your family? If my partner did all the hurtful things that you did electronically, just seeing you pick up a phone would be a trigger for me. It's like smoking, it's your choice, but that doesn't change the fact that it's extremely unhealthy.

For all of those who think that giving up Facebook makes sense: Give up your freaking cell phone and go back to a land line. Yes, it is THAT comparable to me. Once you've done that, you can tell me to give up Facebook.

I've been on Facebook since it was a private college network (9 years). All of my family and friends connect through Facebook. My H and I don't send e-mails, we send Facebook messages. I have a friend who does not use Facebook and regularly gets left out of the circle (e.g. He often misses out on invitations to events, even events his sister is having, because he can't be part of the conversation on FB).

H has never once - NOT ONCE - suggested that I give up my Facebook account. That would be pure idiocy. That would be like him suggesting I stop using e-mail, including my work e-mail.

I have genuinely thought about giving up Facebook before. Facebook is frustrating to the extreme, with their constant tinkering with settings, their dwindling usefulness as a free marketing tool, the constant ignorance on the news feed, and now their experiments on their own users. But it is simply not an option for me.

For some people, giving up FB makes sense, but for someone in my generation and profession, giving up Facebook is not an option.

July 8, 2014

For all of those who think that giving up Facebook makes sense: Give up your freaking cell phone and go back to a land line. Yes, it is THAT comparable to me. Once you've done that, you can tell me to give up Facebook.

I've been on Facebook since it was a private college network (9 years). All of my family and friends connect through Facebook. My H and I don't send e-mails, we send Facebook messages. I have a friend who does not use Facebook and regularly gets left out of the circle (e.g. He often misses out on invitations to events, even events his sister is having, because he can't be part of the conversation on FB).

H has never once - NOT ONCE - suggested that I give up my Facebook account. That would be pure idiocy. That would be like him suggesting I stop using e-mail, including my work e-mail.

I have genuinely thought about giving up Facebook before. Facebook is frustrating to the extreme, with their constant tinkering with settings, their dwindling usefulness as a free marketing tool, the constant ignorance on the news feed, and now their experiments on their own users. But it is simply not an option for me.

For some people, giving up FB makes sense, but for someone in my generation and profession, giving up Facebook is not an option.

This times 100,000 percent. FB is a vehicle, that is it. There are 100's of other vehicles. Sure, it is easy, but to suggest that if you eliminate this particular vehicle you are good to go, you are fooling yourself.

You want to have an affair convo, go to Google plus. Nobody goes there. And that is not really even the thing. You can exploit FB without using your name. My fake FB account is under the name Mandy. If people want to get ahold of one another there is not one thing you can do about it.

Some of you are chasing after rabbits.

July 8, 2014

For all of those who think that giving up Facebook makes sense: Give up your freaking cell phone and go back to a land line. Yes, it is THAT comparable to me. Once you've done that, you can tell me to give up Facebook.

I've been on Facebook since it was a private college network (9 years). All of my family and friends connect through Facebook. My H and I don't send e-mails, we send Facebook messages. I have a friend who does not use Facebook and regularly gets left out of the circle (e.g. He often misses out on invitations to events, even events his sister is having, because he can't be part of the conversation on FB).

H has never once - NOT ONCE - suggested that I give up my Facebook account. That would be pure idiocy. That would be like him suggesting I stop using e-mail, including my work e-mail.

I have genuinely thought about giving up Facebook before. Facebook is frustrating to the extreme, with their constant tinkering with settings, their dwindling usefulness as a free marketing tool, the constant ignorance on the news feed, and now their experiments on their own users. But it is simply not an option for me.

For some people, giving up FB makes sense, but for someone in my generation and profession, giving up Facebook is not an option.

This is my point exactly. OH NO, NOT A LANDLINE!!! I am absolutely in love with technology, have degrees in computer science, etc. but I'd give up any of it if I needed to. If my partner was upset because I was googling his best friend who I also had an affair with, I'd stop using a computer for pleasure, period. That doesn't mean I would stop my computer career, but I would stop using it to socialize at the very least. Obviously we have a difference in opinion, but from other posts, we do seem to have some things in common. You seem like a science minded person, so you have to see that phone is somewhat different. People need phones to call 911 during an emergency, I see no such use for Facebook.

If the OPs husband truly cared, he wouldn't be on Facebook, period. She has a very, very hard decision to make right now and I hope we can kinda squash the Facebook vs. no Facebook thing and give her advice. Her H's affair was a particularly brutal one and it's obvious from her post, she was severely hurt. As bad as it was, she gave him another chance and now he's blown it. He really didn't deserve the second chance (IMO) which really wasn't a second chance, it was a lot of chances given the circumstances, but now he needs another one. I feel in my heart that this is defining moment in her life. She really has two choices, leave and deal with everything on her own or stay with someone who in all likelihood isn't going to be faithful. I can't imagine how hard this is for her, but I hope she makes the right decision. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and at this point, there is no more room to make excuses for the H.

Leave or stay. Both will hurt, but one choice will eventually end the pain and give you your life back. I'm sorry that you've been hurt so bad, but I hope you have the wisdom to make the right choice for you and your family.

Edited July 9, 2014 by HereNorThere

July 9, 2014

For all of those who think that giving up Facebook makes sense: Give up your freaking cell phone and go back to a land line. Yes, it is THAT comparable to me. Once you've done that, you can tell me to give up Facebook.

I've been on Facebook since it was a private college network (9 years). All of my family and friends connect through Facebook. My H and I don't send e-mails, we send Facebook messages. I have a friend who does not use Facebook and regularly gets left out of the circle (e.g. He often misses out on invitations to events, even events his sister is having, because he can't be part of the conversation on FB).

H has never once - NOT ONCE - suggested that I give up my Facebook account. That would be pure idiocy. That would be like him suggesting I stop using e-mail, including my work e-mail.

I have genuinely thought about giving up Facebook before. Facebook is frustrating to the extreme, with their constant tinkering with settings, their dwindling usefulness as a free marketing tool, the constant ignorance on the news feed, and now their experiments on their own users. But it is simply not an option for me.

For some people, giving up FB makes sense, but for someone in my generation and profession, giving up Facebook is not an option.

You can have FB, but you cannot be friends with your xlover, their family, or any mutual friends who knew of or supported the affair.

That seems real simple to me.

My H chooses NOT to have a FB account at all because he believes she may try to contact him, as needy as she was, and that I may trigger imagining she, or one of her friends, may contact him.

I respect that.

July 9, 2014

You can have FB, but you cannot be friends with your xlover, their family, or any mutual friends who knew of or supported the affair.

That seems real simple to me.

My H chooses NOT to have a FB account at all because he believes she may try to contact him, as needy as she was, and that I may trigger imagining she, or one of her friends, may contact him.

I respect that.

I've studied both computer science and psychology, so I feel I am in a unique position to explain why Facebook is particularly harmful to relationships and raises the chances of infidelity more so than other electronic communications.

1.) Access - This is the simplest part to understand. If your husband or wife had had 1000 of their ex-lovers, crushes or date's number their cell phone, most people would not be okay with it. They especially would have a problem if they found out they were text messaging, sending pictures or even just checking up on them. Most people would not be okay with their SO posting their phone number in public, yet all of these things are completely acceptable on Facebook. Your Facebook profile is no different than your phone number, except it gives out way more information about you.

2.) Implied intimacy - No one has that many friends IRL, but they do on Facebook. Just using the word "friend" implies a certain level of intimacy that can lower a vulnerable person's guard.

3.) Emotional Manipulation - People post about their life events, moods, tragedies and other emotional parts of their life that most people outside of their social circle do not have access to. This gives predators a unique advantage over their prey that they did not have previously. Sadly, bad people use this to their advantage to strike at people while they are vulnerable.

4.) Idealism - People post things that put them in the best light. Like an AP, it's easier to idealize when you don't have to ever smell the other persons poo. It's hard for an IRL partner to compete with a fantasy.

5. ) Security - People post where they are going to be, what time they are going to be there, etc. and besides someone breaking in to your home, it the perfect way for an exAP to accidentally bump into you.

6.) Jealousy - Studies have shown that couples on Facebook have higher levels of unhealthy jealousy, google it.

7.) Self esteem - Seeing a sanitized version of everyone else's life can take a toll on us psychologically.

The list goes on and on really. A lot of people think "a cheater will cheat whether it's on Facebook or at the bar" but it's more complicated than that. The best way for a cheater to successfully stop hurting others is to use compensatory behaviors to make up for their lack of impulse control or empathy. While the average person may be able to handle something like Facebook, some people need to take extra precautions. When a partner starts using rationalizations and justifications for something that really is mostly a novelty, it can be red flag that there may be deeper maturity and boundary issues. No one should ever have to tell their partner these things, they should be something that comes naturally to a person who cares about their relationship.

Edited July 9, 2014 by HereNorThere

July 9, 2014

I'm sorry this happened to you, and I would like to share some insights and hopefully it'll help you.

When I caught my cheating ex girlfriend red handed, she wanted to reconcile and one of the terms & conditions that I set is to remove him from all social media and block him.

She said she'll do it, but she didn't while during the whole time she was trying to reconcile with me. Throughout the entire time, never had I once seen her showing any true remorse for what she has done.

So I dumped her for good and went straight to strict NC, and deleted her off everything.

Of course, after trying hard to reconcile with me and no chance she chose to go with that guy.

Found out from common friends that the guy is absolutely insecure and wanted to ensure she cuts of all communications with me, hence I was blocked on Whatsapp and Instagram, but not on Facebook funny.

And, realised that I was unblocked from time to time, and then blocked again. And the timing is usually when the she spends time with the guy, I am blocked. When that guy is not around, I am unblocked.

Not sure what was her reason to do this, but comments from common friends is that she wasn't entirely over me and wanted to keep tabs on me, and perhaps seeing whether I would actually reach out.

So, there is no such thing as accidentally unblocking. Your man man unblocked everyone deliberately and consciously, and that tells a lot.

With this, I hope it will allow you to make a better decision moving forward.

July 9, 2014

Oh no - I'm sad reading the more recent posts - as a

pregnant gal - you deserve some rest time to relax your mind and body.

I hope you can give yourself some peace of mind. Hugs

July 9, 2014

Hang tough girl and never let anyone make you feel bad for believing. You have a lot on your plate right now. If we are helpful , great. If the bad outweighs the good log off for a while. Please know your light shines through on your posts. You are a good, honest person and nothing and no one can change that.

July 9, 2014

Congratulations on getting pregnant. I'm sorry the timing sucks so bad. You should be able to be excited without having to work through a sh]tstorm at the same time.

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Husband unblocking family of OW on Facebook

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