Husband unblocking family of OW on Facebook

July 7, 2014

So...I had to make a separate thread because it's really bothering me right now...

My WH says he wants nothing to do with OW, but this weekend I found out he'd unblocked her on FB. As well as her entire family.

Um...OK...WTF?

He says he unblocked her by accident and that he didn't know who the other names were...um...bull****. He knows her daughter's name and her mother's name and they were all unblocked.

It's been almost 12 months since I found out everything -- in two more weeks.

He's been working hard on repairing our marriage. Says he wants it to work. Says he was used by her, etc., etc. and he wants nothing to do with her. But lo and behold he's unhiding himself on FB. For what reason?

Why it's just an accident, correct?

He's here because he loves me and he wants to save our marriage..but he needs to see the pages of these people ... why again???

I'm so very frustrated I don't even know what to think anymore.

No, I don't think he's having an affair again or wants to have one. But he needs to be damn honest with me for once. ****. ****. **** and more ****.

July 7, 2014

I'm sincerely sorry for your heartache and as much as I pray that you and your husband can beat the odds and work it out my experience has been that the odds are stacked up against you. Big time.

He's a liar and cheater and he's not even that good at it for heaven's sake! This little FB fiasco is just the tip of the iceberg of what you have to look forward to. Is this really how you want to live out the rest of your marriage? Constantly checking up on him and wondering what he's up to?

Honestly, I'm not the least surprised.

What kind of advice are you looking for exactly?

July 8, 2014

I say follow your gut on this one. He has no reason to unblock them. If you want someone gone for good and you don't care what they are doing in their lives blocking is the perfect solution, they can't see you and you can't see them. His response that you can't block people in real life isn't a good one. Yes you can, if they bother you, you can block them pretty much everywhere. I'm so sorry for your pain but I don't think this one is paranoia. I struggle with that too, but I know I wouldn't be able to take this one lightly.

July 8, 2014

torn

im so sorry,if my husband did this,i would not be able to forgive him,as I have already given him the best gift,and that's the gift of forgivness,and a second chance,and if he unblocked xow,or even just her family,i think I would be done,its like digging the knife in a little deeper,thats just my 2 cents anyways.

but you are not being paranoid at all,hes being selfish and inconsiderate

July 8, 2014

Does he have any other people currently blocked?

I thought it required pretty deliberate steps to unblock ...go into settings & hit the "x" by their name under the blocked list? But admittedly it's been a long time since I blocked anyone so not sure if there's an easier way.

That's a lot of people to "accidentally" unblock. Did he have anything of note in his Search history or did he clear it out?

I'm sorry that you're hurting & feel burned again this long after the end of the A

July 8, 2014

Trust your gut.

Also. Unblocking is not an accident. He did it on purpose. He is lying. Zero tolerance time.

July 8, 2014

He says he doesn't understand blocking people who haven't tried to contact him in 10 months (it's almost 12) when there are many ways they can so having them blocked is stupid.

Now he says he'll just delete his whole page and then started telling me everything he'd given up to make sure he could keep me -- including his family who has hurt me over and over and over again over the years.

"I don't know what else you want from me ... or what else I can do to show you, you are who I want."

I don't know..not unblocking people so they can have the option to contact you at some point? I don't know if I am not getting things because men are from mars and women are from venus, or what.....???

I'm 6.5 months pregnant, severely depressed, suffering from PTSD, pretty sure, and feel at a total loss how to stop these rolling emotions. I don't want to hurt this baby. I'm 8 years older than I was with my first! I don't want to rsk losing this child. It's not her fault her dad chose to do this to our marriage and family or that her mom is a basket case, who isn't strong at all, but really wants to be.

Do any men get this at all? Am I being an illogical woman?

I know I shouldn't cower over him like a dang jailer and I know he feels that way, but isn't that his fault? I'm really confused and really think I want to ask my OB for meds....even though they ruined my health years ago and masked a longterm thyroid issue I had.

July 8, 2014

Cheaters need to be on Facebook as much as alcoholics need to be at the bar. I do not see why so many couples on here choose to be on it considering the amount of problems it causes relationships. At the very least, his using a computer to socialize should be over, forever.

July 8, 2014

He says he doesn't understand blocking people who haven't tried to contact him in 10 months (it's almost 12) when there are many ways they can so having them blocked is stupid.

Now he says he'll just delete his whole page and then started telling me everything he'd given up to make sure he could keep me -- including his family who has hurt me over and over and over again over the years.

"I don't know what else you want from me ... or what else I can do to show you, you are who I want."

I don't know..not unblocking people so they can have the option to contact you at some point? I don't know if I am not getting things because men are from mars and women are from venus, or what.....???

I'm 6.5 months pregnant, severely depressed, suffering from PTSD, pretty sure, and feel at a total loss how to stop these rolling emotions. I don't want to hurt this baby. I'm 8 years older than I was with my first! I don't want to rsk losing this child. It's not her fault her dad chose to do this to our marriage and family or that her mom is a basket case, who isn't strong at all, but really wants to be.

Do any men get this at all? Am I being an illogical woman?

I know I shouldn't cower over him like a dang jailer and I know he feels that way, but isn't that his fault? I'm really confused and really think I want to ask my OB for meds....even though they ruined my health years ago and masked a longterm thyroid issue I had.

torn I didn't realize you are pregnant,im truly sorry you are going through this,the fact is if it makes you uncomfortable,he shouldn't do it,and he shouldn't whine about it either,he should be making you feel safe,and secure,not only because of trying to reconcile,but because you are pregnant,hes really pizzing me off,unblocking someone is very deliberate it isn't something that oops,i must have did it by accident

and him saying he was used,is crazy they both knew what they were getting into,he used her just as much,but you are the one that matters now,and the baby,please take care of yourself,only you know him,and know what you should do

July 8, 2014

He says he doesn't understand blocking people who haven't tried to contact him in 10 months (it's almost 12) when there are many ways they can so having them blocked is stupid.

Now he says he'll just delete his whole page and then started telling me everything he'd given up to make sure he could keep me -- including his family who has hurt me over and over and over again over the years.

"I don't know what else you want from me ... or what else I can do to show you, you are who I want."

I don't know..not unblocking people so they can have the option to contact you at some point? I don't know if I am not getting things because men are from mars and women are from venus, or what.....???

I'm 6.5 months pregnant, severely depressed, suffering from PTSD, pretty sure, and feel at a total loss how to stop these rolling emotions. I don't want to hurt this baby. I'm 8 years older than I was with my first! I don't want to rsk losing this child. It's not her fault her dad chose to do this to our marriage and family or that her mom is a basket case, who isn't strong at all, but really wants to be.

Do any men get this at all? Am I being an illogical woman?

I know I shouldn't cower over him like a dang jailer and I know he feels that way, but isn't that his fault? I'm really confused and really think I want to ask my OB for meds....even though they ruined my health years ago and masked a longterm thyroid issue I had.

Here's how I know he is lying.

He is attempting to turn this around on you.

He is lying. He is doing something he knows he should not be doing. And instead of instantly being transparent and apologizing, he is lying, obfuscating, and trying to make you the issue. Do you see that?

You deserve so much better than this. Look, meds are a personal decision, but meds don't help with situational anxiety and depression ( there are many articles about this- that they only work on a placebo level for situational and mild depression/anxiety). Shame on him for doing this to you, pregnant or not. This is wrong. He is wrong.

July 8, 2014

I'm a guy. I find it suspicious. So what if there are other ways to contact him? Unblocking them only adds one more. It hurts no one in keeping them blocked. Unblocking, however, hurts the one person he should really be concerned about at the moment.

I agree with the poster above - when he started turning the argument back at you - that's worrisome (and unfortunately for most of us BS's, all too familiar.)

July 8, 2014

Facebook is my medium. I use it at work and at home. Like I said in my other post, you can't unblock someone on accident (it would be really hard). Additionally, even if he somehow unblocked three people, he would still see their posts on his news feed. So unless they don't post at all, he would probably know pretty quickly that they were unblocked. He is using Facebook to keep tabs on them.

Blocking them doesn't just stop them from contacting him - it means he can't even SEE them. Not at all. If he blocks OW, then looks for her on her mother's friends list, she will literally show up as anonymous and her posts will be invisible. Blocking someone is more complete than deleting them, because if you delete them, you can still see their public posts or posts to friends of friends.

Unblocking someone means you are wanting to keep tabs on them, whether that is seeing their posts on your news feed or visiting their wall.

Do not let him get away with this. Now that you know about this, he should have blocked them without argument and you should be able to verify it without worry. If he hasn't done that, it's a problem.

July 8, 2014

You only see their posts in your newsfeed if you are friends with them. I know how that works, but the fact he feels the need to take down a wall we put up to secure this marriage makes me so confused and ripped apart inside.

He says one thing, but his actions say another.

He said to me earlier that he did it because he isn't where he was a year ago and he doesn't care about those peope anymore or what they know or don't know or anything.

I don't know what to think.....I just want some peace. I thought we had that. We don't anymore. I know I failed in checking up on her in the past and maybe he just figures he's doing the same, or maybe he just figures I'm never going to forgive him so we wants his options open.

He says this is untrue and that he wants me. But who would want me? I'm a basket case. I'm depressed, anxious, fat and pregnant and I have tons of medical issues. I'm a prude, brought up in the church, boring, paranoid and freaked out all the time.

My counselor said last time "You're going to blow this reconcilliation if you don't stop being paranoid."

She's right and I blew it.

I kept bringing up things and asking and pushing and prodding and here he is now looking back to a woman who treated him like ****.

All because I apparently have a mental illness and can't get a freaking grip.

I should be more like the OW and not give a **** about anyone or anything...It would make my life so much easier.

Facebook is my medium. I use it at work and at home. Like I said in my other post, you can't unblock someone on accident (it would be really hard). Additionally, even if he somehow unblocked three people, he would still see their posts on his news feed. So unless they don't post at all, he would probably know pretty quickly that they were unblocked. He is using Facebook to keep tabs on them.

Blocking them doesn't just stop them from contacting him - it means he can't even SEE them. Not at all. If he blocks OW, then looks for her on her mother's friends list, she will literally show up as anonymous and her posts will be invisible. Blocking someone is more complete than deleting them, because if you delete them, you can still see their public posts or posts to friends of friends.

Unblocking someone means you are wanting to keep tabs on them, whether that is seeing their posts on your news feed or visiting their wall.

Do not let him get away with this. Now that you know about this, he should have blocked them without argument and you should be able to verify it without worry. If he hasn't done that, it's a problem.

July 8, 2014

You only see their posts in your newsfeed if you are friends with them. I know how that works, but the fact he feels the need to take down a wall we put up to secure this marriage makes me so confused and ripped apart inside.

He says one thing, but his actions say another.

He said to me earlier that he did it because he isn't where he was a year ago and he doesn't care about those peope anymore or what they know or don't know or anything.

I don't know what to think.....I just want some peace. I thought we had that. We don't anymore. I know I failed in checking up on her in the past and maybe he just figures he's doing the same, or maybe he just figures I'm never going to forgive him so we wants his options open.

He says this is untrue and that he wants me. But who would want me? I'm a basket case. I'm depressed, anxious, fat and pregnant and I have tons of medical issues. I'm a prude, brought up in the church, boring, paranoid and freaked out all the time.

My counselor said last time "You're going to blow this reconcilliation if you don't stop being paranoid."

She's right and I blew it.

I kept bringing up things and asking and pushing and prodding and here he is now looking back to a woman who treated him like ****.

All because I apparently have a mental illness and can't get a freaking grip.

I should be more like the OW and not give a **** about anyone or anything...It would make my life so much easier.

torn.please take a big deep breathe,and stop beating yourself up,and putting yourself down,you are beautiful inside,and out I think most of this is your hormones,i was a nut job,when I was pregnant I hated being pregnant,dont get me wrong I love my kids just hated how pregnancy made me feel,and look.

and again if he unblocked his xow,and family,you are not being paranoid,thats just wrong of him to do,PERIOD

July 8, 2014

He says he unblocked her by accident and that he didn't know who the other names were...um...bull****. He knows her daughter's name and her mother's name and they were all unblocked.

How do you unblock someone by accident? And, why was he even in that setting of blocking/unblocking to begin with? This makes no sense and there's no excuse to keep her unblock. Did he block her, the daughter and mom again?

To me this says (and I could be wrong but this is my 2 cents worth) he wants exOW to see his page, maybe to stick it to her or maybe for an ego feed if she sends him a note. If this exOW isn't over him, you can damn well be sure she WILL send him a note privately on fb.

You have every right to be pissed about this.

July 8, 2014

This isn't just about HIM, this is about you and YOUR life with him. He should want to protect you in all this and if she can lurk his page, she will. He may not care if she does but he should care that YOU don't want her lurking his page.

He's acting like an a.ss. He may be in a different place now, so unblocking in his mind means he's moved on and sees no point in blocking them anymore, notice how it's about him... Not about you. Selfish.

You are right, he says one thing but his actions say another.

July 8, 2014

torn.please take a big deep breathe,and stop beating yourself up,and putting yourself down,you are beautiful inside,and out I think most of this is your hormones,i was a nut job,when I was pregnant I hated being pregnant,dont get me wrong I love my kids just hated how pregnancy made me feel,and look.
and again if he unblocked his xow,and family,you are not being paranoid,thats just wrong of him to do,PERIOD

I totally agree with this. Please don't blame yourself. You have had every right question him as much as you want, he broke trust not you. I remember my pregnancy hormones and I can't imagine going through this during that time. You are strong and don't let this make you feel like you are not. He screwed up with this unblocking and his excuse is crap. You are right to feel this way. All of us not pregnant BS would react the same. Please be gentle on yourself. I don't know you but I always read your posts and find you real and strong.

July 8, 2014

He's obviously gas lighting you. I've blocked people and then unblocked them later. It's not something that accidentally happens. Make him delete his facebook account entirely and install a keylogger on the computer without him knowing.

As far as I'm concerned though that's a pretty big red flag right there.

July 8, 2014

He's lying so badly, there's practically no room to doubt it.

He better grow a brain large enough to make secret accounts, else there'll be no future in this.

At the very least, his using a computer to socialize should be over, forever.

The only difference is that if he doesn't do it with a computer, he'll get into other women's beds much faster.

OP, do you actually believe in what he says or do you just want to believe it so badly that you don't see the obvious anymore? That said, as someone else mentioned earlier, odds are against you and this is just the start and he already gives clear signs what he's really thinking, and it's not "You're the one I want". For raising his babies perhaps, but that's it.

July 8, 2014

He is starting to relax back into old habits because he knows you are pregnant with his child and will not leave now. You cannot blame yourself every time he seeks out another woman because it isn't your fault. He puts you in a virtual prison each time he seeks another woman, and because of his behavior you have lost your self esteem. He hasn't changed if he is still trying to rugsweep and gaslight. I know this is hard with a child coming but it is time to be realistic about your husband and what he is capable of. He keeps saying this is your imagination, you are overreacting but most people wouldn't expect to ever be on social media after cheating.

July 8, 2014

Did you check his Facebook search history??

July 8, 2014

OK my friend- the core issue is not really FB or blocking or unblocking or whatever- he could have just been curious-the issue is not being truthful-

If he was curious about whats going on in her life, that would be painful but not a deal killer-being untruthful about what he is thinking/feeling is a huge problem-

You guys can not heal and trust again without honesty- we had a bout of this early on when my husband with held a few details he knew were important (but painful) to me- he said he did it as to not hurt me anymore and because he was afraid that would be the last straw-

What I broke it down to for him (he needs simple, because my moods and feels were/are so complex and up and down)-I told him I will not tolerate lying- I deserve honesty, I want honesty and I will not live without honesty in my marriage-

It got pretty easy from there- he was 100% honest, even when it hurt like hell, even when it meant an hour long argument over something small-even when it made him look really, really bad-

Your husband will falter and do things that hurt, but he needs to be honest- demand it for yourself-you are worth it and its the only way to move forward-

Hugs to you!

July 8, 2014

As an aside, your counselor? Is not a good one. Telling you that being anxious is going to derail your reconciliation?

No, your spouse being a continuing liar setting off rightful anxiety and warning a in your head will do that all by itself.

Edited July 8, 2014 by HermioneG

July 8, 2014

I posted a long time ago how FB is trouble. A window to keep looking into the life of someone you may be stalking and private messages that can be deleted.

If you don't share the same account, how would you know what he's doing on it?

There are no accidental unblocking. You have to go deep into your settings to reverse this.

I'm sorry that after close to a year you WH is still missing his OW and has chosen this way to connect to her.

You need to decide if you want to put up with this. I am R with my H, but I can tell you, this would be a dealbreaker for me.

If the A is over and he chose you then that should be it. NC means NC. A window into her life sounds like he is still interested.

Good Luck to you.

July 8, 2014

Facebook is my medium. I use it at work and at home. Like I said in my other post, you can't unblock someone on accident (it would be really hard). Additionally, even if he somehow unblocked three people, he would still see their posts on his news feed. So unless they don't post at all, he would probably know pretty quickly that they were unblocked. He is using Facebook to keep tabs on them.

Blocking them doesn't just stop them from contacting him - it means he can't even SEE them. Not at all. If he blocks OW, then looks for her on her mother's friends list, she will literally show up as anonymous and her posts will be invisible. Blocking someone is more complete than deleting them, because if you delete them, you can still see their public posts or posts to friends of friends.

Unblocking someone means you are wanting to keep tabs on them, whether that is seeing their posts on your news feed or visiting their wall.

Do not let him get away with this. Now that you know about this, he should have blocked them without argument and you should be able to verify it without worry. If he hasn't done that, it's a problem.

Actually, if you block someone they are unfriended. To see their posts on your news feed you would have to friend them again. You could see posts they make public if you clicked on their page. Maybe he didn't block them but just hid them. Big difference.

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Husband unblocking family of OW on Facebook

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