acrosstheuniverse Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 No, it isn't. I want someone who already has their **** together before we meet, because they want these things for themself as a matter of self pride, achievement, a goal in life. Some things I can let slide, none of my serious relationships have had cars (one could drive, but the other three didn't even have licences!) and it's really frustrating and something that I would want to see improvement on as the relationship progressed (for example, current partner is working on it now and couldn't afford it when younger, I and my friends were all extremely fortunate that our parents paid for the majority of lessons, at least until we had jobs that could fund the lessons) and none have been go-getter career types, none have had jobs paying more than minimum wage. I'm 26 now and those things never mattered before, but I expect someone to be able to support themselves, to be able to hold a job down, to be able to cook and clean and take care of themselves, to pay their own way. As I get older I'm looking more and more at whether somebody has any long-term career potential to support a family in the future, but as I'm career-minded myself this isn't utterly set in stone, again as long as someone can pay their way in a relationship. So my standards are nowhere near as 'high' as many women. But would I date someone who didn't have a job and never had one? Hell NO. No chance. We wouldn't get along at all, hard work is a feature of my life, I'm a grafter and want to go places. If somebody just doesn't have even the basic ability to get up and go to a job they hate every day to cover their food and rent I wouldn't give them a second glance.
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I definetley do, and I have a job and a car at least, just asking because unfortunately there is a stigma against guys way more than girls if a person is past a certain age and is living with their parents, how about do most girls expect guys to have a college degree in order to consider dating him? I only have a high school diploma You think? I see the stigma goes both ways. I would view a man and a woman who live at home still past the age of early-20s (unless it's for serious reasons like caring for a sick person or a short term savings plan for a house of their own, which is already underway) exactly the same. It would be an enormous turn off. I wouldn't judge somebody for not having a degree, though. If someone had their own house, job, and car, then it wouldn't matter to me whether they had a degree or not. The majority of degrees are pretty worthless these days anyway, and this is speaking as somebody with aforementioned degree.
cactusgal Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Never, ever, EVER date someone's potential. Be 100% happy with who they are, right now, because that's who they are. Truly. Your boyfriend is OK with disappointing you. Are you OK with that? They are so, so many guys in the world, I wouldn't settle for this one. Also, shyness isn't an excuse for being a slacker. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'm speaking from experience. My ex-fiance was a nice guy with tons if potential, but a total slacker. I spent most of our relationship trying to get him to sort his life out, and that was NOT my job. Not marrying him was perhaps the best decision I've ever made. Onwards and upwards, OP!! 1
Diezel Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I am going to say something that might "seem" controversial, but it's based on truth. Cookiedough, you are part of the problem. And I don't mean that in a bad way. Having his mom coddle him isn't helping him and if you are trying to point him into the direction of acting a certain way, you are acting as Mom #2. He needs to WANT to do these things on his own. If he hasn't shown that effort, the only thing you are building is grounds for eventual resentment on your behalf. You will look back and wonder why you wasted all that time and effort you invested in him. It's weird because you are probably in a situation where you are both holding each other back. I think you need to move on. This situation with his mom is NEVER going to go away and that's a huge part of his crutch. You might be better off starting off anew with someone else. 3
Author cookiedough Posted July 16, 2014 Author Posted July 16, 2014 I definetley do, and I have a job and a car at least, just asking because unfortunately there is a stigma against guys way more than girls if a person is past a certain age and is living with their parents, how about do most girls expect guys to have a college degree in order to consider dating him? I only have a high school diploma No you don't need one as long as you have a career or job that fulfills you but for me it is a big deal. It depends on the girl.
Author cookiedough Posted July 16, 2014 Author Posted July 16, 2014 I am going to say something that might "seem" controversial, but it's based on truth. Cookiedough, you are part of the problem. And I don't mean that in a bad way. Having his mom coddle him isn't helping him and if you are trying to point him into the direction of acting a certain way, you are acting as Mom #2. He needs to WANT to do these things on his own. If he hasn't shown that effort, the only thing you are building is grounds for eventual resentment on your behalf. You will look back and wonder why you wasted all that time and effort you invested in him. It's weird because you are probably in a situation where you are both holding each other back. I think you need to move on. This situation with his mom is NEVER going to go away and that's a huge part of his crutch. You might be better off starting off anew with someone else. You might have a point, I don't want to be his mom either. I just want him to be more ambitious and he is not. I either have to accept that or move on. It's really hard though, I love him and I feel I will never find another guy that will treat me the same. Also I don't go out much so I don't really meet much people. I don't have friends, so he is really the only person I go out with. Sometimes I wonder if am with him for that reason.
Diezel Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 You went from "I love him" to "I'm settling for him" in less than a post. Think about that.
Vyliss Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Was also in this kind of relationship. I say get out. Harsh maybe, but he's never going to change. Not for you anyway. If it bugs you now, it will be even worst 2-3 years down the road. The ambitious gene is either in you or it's not, has little to do with whether he wants to grow up, has more to do with if he actually wants to do something with his life, which clearly he doesn't.
Author cookiedough Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 how did you and him meet eachother since you say you don't have friends? because it seems almost everybody meets their future bf/gf through their social circle, mutual friends, social network, etc., Also OP, i assume it's not really an issue to you if a guy lives with his parents? because you say he doesn't have a car We met online in okcupid.com. We are both shy, but he is more shy than I am. We talked for almost a year before we decided to meet.
Recommended Posts