cookiedough Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I love my boyfriend. He is a really sweet guy, who treats me good, always listens to me and is always there for me, but he has some flaws I just can't ignore. First of all my parents don't like him because he is too shy and 'weird', and because he looks like a slacker. I tell them that I don't mind that he is shy and that his weirdness is part of the reason why I like him. However there are things that bother me about him that I can't deny. One is that he is a huge mama's boy who will do whatever his mom tells him to do. He is also a gamer, and while that is not a bad thing, it is the fact that he wastes a lot of time playing video games instead of doing something productive that bothers me. He doesn't have a job yet and I have trying to get him to get a job since we started dating, which was a year and half ago. He has a bachelor's degree but it seems he is not too motivated to try to find a job in his field. He lacks self-confidence and is often putting himself down when I tell him I want him to find a job. He doesn't drive and he is 25 years old already. He is trying to learn to drive but only because I kept nagging him about it. He won't take the bus out of fear his mother instilled on him. All of these things make him sound not so good. He is also hard to understand as he has an accent, but that is just a little quirk. Mostly it is the fact that he is not very motivated and confident that bothers me. I have stayed with him this long because I believe he has potential to grow, to become a better person and also because he is good to me. He is my best friend so I can't imagine not being with him, but sometimes I wonder if love is enough. Is love enough?
spiderowl Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I stayed with someone like that for a long time because I believed he just lacked confidence and had the potential to grow and do really well. What I missed was that he didn't want to achieve anything beyond the things he was directly interested in. That didn't change over time and I ended up struggling and paying the price in terms of mental stress. Never assume you can change a guy. 2
Eivuwan Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Sorry, he has a lot of growing to do and he needs to find out how to do that for himself. I think one rule of thumb in dating is to not date someone and expect them to change drastically. You will most likely be disappointed. Find someone who you can accept as the way they are right now.
carrie_o Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Don't wait for him to change. He won't. If you enjoy spending time with him, then keep spending time with him. If you want to start thinking about your future, you might be better off with someone else.
Grumpybutfun Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 The only person you can change is yourself. If you understand nothing else in life, understand that as it will save you time, resentment and frustration. You cannot change other people nor should you nag them to death trying. If you can't accept him as he is, move on. I would have moved on the second one of the mommas boy, unemployed or full time gamer issues came up because I like someone who is independent, responsible and living in the real world. Good luck, Grumps 5
soccerrprp Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Is love enough? Only in Disney stories. Have you ever considered that he's good to you b/c you are supporting him? 4
Griesfootball Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Tell him how you feel. Idk if you are in something serious and long term but tell him you can't stick around if he doesn't grow up and drive and work. These aren't crazy demands because most people are doing these things at this age. If he really loves you he would put forth an effort on his career 1
Omei Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 He needs to mature, telling how you feel is good because communication is key in relationships but its not going to make him mature overnight and its unlikely hes going to do it for a girl people need to get motivated for themselves. There is one thing about your post tho, learning to drive or to have a car is a personal lifestyle choice people have some seriously ignorant opinions that being able to drive makes you into more of an adult. Driving is dangerous and its one of the top killers yearly it can easily be a weapon and some people just dont like cars or driving, I am turning 28 next month and I do not drive nor do I wish to drive it is a fear of mine they are also expensive the only reason I am planning on getting my license is to have it for emergency purposes. Some people have said "if he loves you he will do this stuff for you" that's totally not the case it has nothing to do with how his feelings are towards you but entirely based on his life and personal growth he just hasn't given 2 hoots about his life yet really that's all. You have to decide if you can put up with this, nag all you want but he won't change till hes ready to for himself. 1
Eddy Street Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I love my boyfriend. He is a really sweet guy, who treats me good, always listens to me and is always there for me, but he has some flaws I just can't ignore. First of all my parents don't like him because he is too shy and 'weird', and because he looks like a slacker. I tell them that I don't mind that he is shy and that his weirdness is part of the reason why I like him. However there are things that bother me about him that I can't deny. One is that he is a huge mama's boy who will do whatever his mom tells him to do. He is also a gamer, and while that is not a bad thing, it is the fact that he wastes a lot of time playing video games instead of doing something productive that bothers me. He doesn't have a job yet and I have trying to get him to get a job since we started dating, which was a year and half ago. He has a bachelor's degree but it seems he is not too motivated to try to find a job in his field. He lacks self-confidence and is often putting himself down when I tell him I want him to find a job. He doesn't drive and he is 25 years old already. He is trying to learn to drive but only because I kept nagging him about it. He won't take the bus out of fear his mother instilled on him. All of these things make him sound not so good. He is also hard to understand as he has an accent, but that is just a little quirk. Mostly it is the fact that he is not very motivated and confident that bothers me. I have stayed with him this long because I believe he has potential to grow, to become a better person and also because he is good to me. He is my best friend so I can't imagine not being with him, but sometimes I wonder if love is enough. Is love enough? You might have to support him later on, and as his looks fade with age your love for him might turn into dread. Is love enough? For me, as a man, it's not enough. For women, who naturally gravitate towards providers, protectors and such, I can see it being even less so.
Keenly Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 If it doesn't bother you, why mention it? I've never understood when women are bothered when a guy plays games. Every girl I've ever dated wasted hours of their day looking at internet memes, pics on Facebook, or texting their friends. A guy playing a game is bad though. Ok, here we have a problem. Dude is a loser. Heh. This just gets worse. So he's also a sissy loser. Got it. This reminds me of the scene in the movie Stripes with Bill Murray. His Gf breaks up with him for being a loser and he brags about his potential for growth. Only you can answer this. I will say this much, and you can take it or leave it. One of my female acquaintances had pretty much this very same complaint about her boyfriend recently. As of about 4 months ago, he finally got off his butt, got a job, and has even been holding it. Doesn't always work that way though. Keeping up with the kardashians = OK Having an online social circle, using your competitive side, developing your reflexes and puzzle solving skills = not OK. 4
Author cookiedough Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Thanks everyone this is a good advice. Well I do believe he loves me and that he does need to do this on his own. In fact that is what mostly worries me, that he really doesn't care that much about his own future. One good thing is that he always pays for stuff when we go out because he wants to pay, even if he doesn't have a job, he always finds a way to make money. I know I can't change him, but I have told him how I feel lots of times actually. He just gets quiet and says he knows and that he will try. My problem is he doesn't try that hard. He tries but not as hard as he could. If I didn't love him and he didn't love me I wouldn't be with him still. I guess i'm just hoping one day he will land a job and become independent on his own. I'm not trying to make excuses for him but he does have a very overprotective mom who sheltered him way too much. It was his mom who told him life is dangerous so he doesn't want to take a risk. He doesn't have to drive if he doesn't want to but we do live an hour away so it would be nice if he did because I'm usually the one driving to see him. Aside from he really didn't have much social interaction unless it was online through those multi-player games.
babycakees Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I could not date someone who wasn't motivated. If he didn't have a job, he better be out looking for one (not playing video games all day and laying around). This guy sounds slightly immature and not ready for the kind of relationship you are looking for. He needs to do some growing up.
xxmusical Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Assuming you're both similar age (25)...have you two talked about your future together? Are you considering him as longterm partner? If you are, he doesn't seem like longterm material. He is not thinking of his future, let alone his future with you. Is his mother supporting him financially? Does his mom want him to get a job? I feel like he won't ever "try" to get a proper job if his mom didn't push him. Would talking to his mom be an option? The more you nag, the more you'll sound like a mother, so maybe it'll help to shift the role to the real mom. Sometimes, "love" is not enough. Instead of thinking the present happy times you have with him and how much you love him, think about your future. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with someone who has no motivation to build a better future together? Your parents are right in not liking him, thinking he's a slacker. They want what's best for their daughter and this man is not making them feel secured. Hope you won't let your feelings blind your decisions. Good luck.
Author cookiedough Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Thanks xxmusical, I think it's a good idea to see what his mom thinks but it seems she doesn't want him out of the house. She is supporting him but he doesn't seem to mind. I do want a future with him but only if he is willing to change. Perhaps I'll give him a bit more time to see what happens, because he is finally starting to get more involved in his life even if it's happening at a really slow pace.
Els Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Thanks xxmusical, I think it's a good idea to see what his mom thinks but it seems she doesn't want him out of the house. She is supporting him but he doesn't seem to mind. I do want a future with him but only if he is willing to change. Perhaps I'll give him a bit more time to see what happens, because he is finally starting to get more involved in his life even if it's happening at a really slow pace. IMO this is very worrisome, even if she is funding his unemployment and not you. Unless you're dating him casually (and given the length of time you've been together I doubt it), eventually you will want to move in together at some point. What happens then? I've observed what usually happens in the case of momma's boys who go straight as a dependent from their mother's house to their wife's/gf's. They tend to expect their partner to take the role of the mother that they left. They have no idea what goes into maintaining your own place and living as an independent adult. 1
Leigh 87 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I broke up with an ex at age 20 I had been dating for two years...... We lived together. I wanted to study and better myself. I was too into pot. I didn't see him growing up and getting a job. Years later, he called me the other day first time in 10 years! He has a job, supports his partner, quit pot two years after he met me and has two cars he really likes! I was so proud of him! Some men DO change but perhaps not while YOU are with them. It can take more years than you are willing to wait through. 1
Author cookiedough Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 That's awesome he did grow up. I thought about it, that maybe he will change but not with me around, but it's hard for me to accept that. My mom could get him a job, but even she has no faith in him, so I wonder if he doesn't have a job because of his shyness? I used to be really shy and no one would take a chance on me, until my my mom hooked me up with a job and after that it became easier for me to get my next job because I was less shy. I feel like shyness is hampering him. I know that he is lazy but I know plenty of lazy people who still work because they know they have to, but with him life may be too easy for him not to work. I might be making it too easy on him, perhaps.
Woop1337 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 He has a bachelors degree that's he's not putting into use? So what's the point of all that schooling? I'm working two jobs to put myself through college. Move on, both of y'all in different stages in life. Gaming still at 25? C'mon that's a boy right there. Being in a relationship is all about giving/sharing. What does he contribute to the relationship? Headache?
Poppygoodwill Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I think you're outgrowing him. He's turning into a case of 'arrested development'. In the same way you naturally want to grow and change and get a job and move on to your next job and be independent....so should he. If that natural drive for independence isn't happening for him by this point, you have to ask yourself: what will motivate it? Maybe you telling him point blank that you'll leave him behind if he doesn't get his sh*t together? It's great to have a bf who is nice to you and loving. That's very important. But it's also very important to be with someone who challenges you and helps move you forward through their own ambitions and drives. It is possible to find a guy who will be nice to you AND have more ambitions than gaming and living off his mother. I said it once, I'll say it again: you get what you settle for. So be careful what you settle for.
soccerrprp Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Some men DO change but perhaps not while YOU are with them. It can take more years than you are willing to wait through. So right! It can happen, but it becomes dangerous when it's under your watch...the waiting that is. Too long and it's wasted, painful years. Sometimes change occurs b/c he/she is away from you. Sometimes you are the one, for some reason, that prevents the other person from changing.
ain5053 Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I am a very driven, passionate and hardworking person. I dated somebody in the past who was all but that, similar to what your boyfriend is like. I couldn't deal with it and I left him. Don't regret it a bit. Now I have my dream job, live far far far away from where I was at the time, and follow wherever my heart desires to take me. He probably is in his mom's basement right now playing videogames. HA. Don't be silly, you know what the answer is! There is SOOO much to life, don't let somebody hold you back!!!
Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Simply put, oftentimes, love is not enough. If there are things, habits, traits that you cannot ignore or get over, you will likely never be able to get over them, as he will not change. I do not believe that people change in general. My ex broke up with me, but there were things that drove me INSANE about her. Her constant throat-clearing. The way she literally acted like a 7-year-old girl sometimes. (She could be very immature.) The fact that I had to pay all the bills for several months. All of things are trivial in the face of love. But they can CHANGE love. Make you resentful, annoyed. Then love has dwindled; then it is gone. Pay attention to the things that bother you. Your ideal mate will be someone who doesn't bother you, most of the time. But pretending like you're ok with things that you aren't, is just delaying the inevitable. You're 25, this may not be the One. But there are many Ones. Good luck.
mortensorchid Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Sorry, honey, but this is a lost cause here. Don't hang in there and keep bolstering up his confidence, because there is nothing you can do about this. Other than the things you named about him, he doesn't sound like he has much going for him. He'll never become brave, he'll always stay this way. I'm sure you care for him, but he's not going to change because of anything that you do/say, or anything else for that matter. I was with someone like that years ago, it was a waste of time. Move on.
Author cookiedough Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 Thanks everyone for the advice. Just and update. I am giving him a bit more time as he is currently working on getting his Driver's License and he did apply for some jobs. My beef is he doesn't try as hard as I wish he would but he has been trying. I had the talk with him about our future and told him straight up I can't stay with him much longer if he does not become more self-sufficient. He has a Bachelors in Gaming Design not sure exactly but I know it has to do with Video Games and he hopes to have his own game one day but right now he needs to gain confidence to move forward. I am hoping that he keeps on trying. So far he has taken the test once and he will take it again once he the doctor lets him. He has Diabetes Type I and it could be dangerous for him to drive. One more reason my dad doesn't want me to marry him is because he fears I will have to take care of him but he has been working on improving his health as well. I did help him start getting more involved in eating better. For the guy that said there's hope for guys that live at home, well there is because I think in this economy lots of young people either stay with their parents or return because it's hard out there. I can't criticize him for staying at home when I still live with my parents. Although I do have a job and I am still in school.
Els Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 For the guy that said there's hope for guys that live at home, well there is because I think in this economy lots of young people either stay with their parents or return because it's hard out there. I can't criticize him for staying at home when I still live with my parents. Although I do have a job and I am still in school. Does he contribute to the household at all while he lives at home? Monetarily and housework-wise?
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