winter-solstice Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 The following happened last night and I am deeply ashamed of myself. I went on a staff night out. Dranks way too much so obviously very intoxicated. Sent my bf a text saying how happy he made me (he does!) and he replied with a kiss. Before leaving the work do bouncers were asking us to leave, some of my mates were arguing back so I was trying to be the mediator and say lets go, i hate confrontation so i got a bit emotional. I got home, by this time things were a bit blurry. got into bed and was still a bit emotional and my bf asked me why I was crying and i said why....then to be honest I dont know what the hell happened but I just started shouting at him, like get out of my house now! then i took some of his stuff and put it outside and was like leave get out....then i was like you're a man whore ( he was single for years and was with so many women so I've always been a bit like...paranoid maybe but he was single and he can do what he wants but I've just always felt a certain way about it inside I guess...) and I was still shouting at him saying leave and then obviously he was like I am leaving, I'm leaving you! I've been good to you...and he has been fantastic so I dont know what the heck I was doing. Just no control...I was disgusting, disrespectful...god...then he was outside with some of his stuff and i started crying cause I realised what I'd done and i went to hug him and say bye...and in my head I must have know I'd messed up big time and how would he forgive me..and the following now I am ashamed of...completely. Then I was just feeling so low and i went to the kitchen and got a knife and i was gunna slit my wrist...then he came and stopped me....I look back and I'm such an idiot! what was i thinking??? Then was in the bedrom and i saw a belt and god...this sounds crazy, I was acting crazy... That is not how to handle anything and so immature. I was completely drunk..not an excuse at all but just...I can see myself acting all crazy but I just couldnt stop...what is wrong with me!! This has NEVER happend before. When I was 18 (23 now) at uni I used to drink a lot and because I never talked about my feelings when I drank the emotions would come out..and in the wrong way. arugments, crying....god i was a disaster. After I realised i had to stop, since then I didnt drink so much again...few drinks here and there but i kept to my limit to make sure I wasn't going to act crazy! I'm in this relationship now for a year and a half and he's the best thing that has ever happened to me, treats me amazingly, cares about me so much and I just feel I have messed things up beyond repair. Is there hope? He came home tonight but text me saying "just for tonight and I dont want to speak to you and want to be alone" I am respecting his wishes. I did text him early after he asked me if I was alright saying I am disgusted in my actions, let him down, let myself down..and I was willing to do anything to move forward if he let me. I said I would not drink again if need be, or seek counselling to help me. this relationship is worth fighting for and he's not just my bf but part of my life, we've done so much stuff together, bonding. I just dont know where to go from here...what's he going to do? is he going to leave me...will he ever talk to me again...I know i messed up so badly and I could understand if he didnt want to be with me anymore after my disgusting behaviour..but is there hope? I would do absolutely anything he asked of me to make this work. My behaviour came out of nowhere!! It wasn't me, acting like a crazy person.... Feeling lost, really alone and helpless. So much regret....so much sadness...I hurt the person I love the most and i might lose him forever now.
beach Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Well, counseling is a good start. Since you don't participate well when you drink - are you prepared to never, ever have a drink again?
Zahara Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I think you should stay away from alcohol completely, at least until you learn how to manage yourself emotionally. Is this the same guy that broke up with you in May -- the one with the mood issues?
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 You do need to get a handle on your drinking. Apologize profusely. Blame it on the booze. It will probably blow over if you are sincere. We all do stupid things while drunk. 3
Author winter-solstice Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 I can drink, I've drunk before just not as much. A couple cocktails, a few beers. Last night I had 6 shots of tequila, 5 large wines and 2 beers. and I'm small so alcohol effects me more too. Stupid of me. If he asks that of me, for a period of time or forever then yes. I am prepared to give it a go if it means gaining back his trust. My feelings towards him and us being together means more to me than drink so yes, I am prepared to do what it takes.
Diezel Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Then I was just feeling so low and i went to the kitchen and got a knife and i was gunna slit my wrist...then he came and stopped me. I think you have bigger things to worry about than your boyfriend at this point. Had this been me, this would have been so emotionally jarring for me, I'd need LOTS of time to process everything. You REALLY need to give him some space. I can't even imagine what is going through his mind. You also need to act responsibly for your actions... this "It wasn't me." isn't really going to fly long-term. There are some deeper, darker issues going on here. As drunk as I have been and as angry as I have become in whatever situation...that quoted situation has NEVER surfaced. Counseling definitely is a good start and that has nothing to do with getting him back. 1
Author winter-solstice Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 youre right. I need to stay away from it and sort myself out. And yes the same guy, three months later he messaged me and we talked about everything. He apologised and talked frankly about everything, he was scared of commitment and he realised he has really strong feelings for me. I made his work hard to get back together and since then it has been amazing. He communicates better, he really takes care of me, he's been perfect to be honest and I never thought we'd be together...and now I've just gone and messed it up... He's sitting the the living room and i have this urge to talk to him but i cant since he asked for space...its killing me....
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I can drink, I've drunk before just not as much. A couple cocktails, a few beers. Last night I had 6 shots of tequila, 5 large wines and 2 beers. and I'm small so alcohol effects me more too. Stupid of me. At any size that is a HUGE amount of alcohol. It's a wonder you didn't get alcohol poisoning. Please bear in mind 5 large wines probably equals at least 7.5 - 8 wines meaning you had over 15 drinks. YIKES!
No Limit Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 No offense, but if he's going to stay with you it's most likely only to prevent your suicide attempts. We all do stupid things while drunk. Nope.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 OP. You need help. Your behaviour was beyond inappropriate and I don't believe it came out of nowhere. Somewhere in you is a lot of anger and insecurity. And you let it manifest in this way. People who are healthy and happy individuals don't suddenly lose their minds and threaten suicide when drinking. You've got some inner demons you need to deal with. You need to give him space. If my boyfriend came home from a night out and called me names, insulted me, tossed my things out and kicked me out...well, I would find extremely difficult to overcome that. I would see it as indicative of bigger problems that I am not prepared to deal with. He may be a forgiving individual, but he's not likely to forget this any time soon. All you can do is apologize and give him time. 1
Zahara Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) Honestly OP, I wouldn't know how to deal with it as well. It's one thing to have had to deal with you being belligerent, but what's worse is that I can't even imagine seeing my boyfriend self-destruct that way by taking a knife to his wrist and then moving towards a belt to try and end his life? What kind of picture are you presenting? You did that to emotionally manipulate him into not leaving. Alcohol aside, doesn't that speak about your emotional psyche? The last thing you should be thinking about is a relationship but rather you taking some time apart from him and trying to figure out your emotional and mental state. You've apologized and now let him be. There's a lot that he needs to process and I am sure he is hurt and dealing with his own turmoil. You pestering him and pushing him to do what you want to make yourself feel good is probably going to push him further. Edited July 7, 2014 by Zahara
Author winter-solstice Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Diezel - You are completely right. He must be so distressed with what happened...i can only imagine. I've just hurt him in the worst way possible.... I take full responsibility for my actions of course, and it was me youre right.....I really need to sort myself out...I cant believe how I acted.Wow. thank you all for your words, I appreciate it, 1
Author winter-solstice Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Never before have i tried to take my life. Never.And I will never be so stupid as to do that again. To be honest...it was emotional manipulations. How disgusting...And Zahara is right...very right. My emotional psyche needs to be dealt with, for sure! I will let him be, I haven't seen or said a word to him since he came home. When and if he is ready to talk I will be here. The more i re read all the replies I am seeing that there probably is no hope, but maybe that is for the best. I just question myself now...I've always been a happy bubbly person and laughing, being silly. there is nothing in my life I should be unhappy about. Something darker inside I need to deal with. Insecurities definitely. I'm good at hiding them but I have so many. All this time we've been so happy, i am genuinely happy with him...and then suddenly one evening of my stupid selfish immature actions. 1
Zahara Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 You said at 18 you noticed your behaviors in how you dealt with your emotions. Maybe this was the wake up call that you needed to get yourself sorted out. And if you're going to make an attempt to change, what better time than to start now. Regardless of what he decides to do, maybe turn your focus now on you. 1
Author winter-solstice Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 I am emailing a place that offers counselling as we speak to book a session ASAP. I am so committed right now to get this sorted. It needs to be sorted now and not later. I won't let my inner demons effect my life like this again!!! 1
beach Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I can drink, I've drunk before just not as much. A couple cocktails, a few beers. Last night I had 6 shots of tequila, 5 large wines and 2 beers. and I'm small so alcohol effects me more too. Stupid of me. If he asks that of me, for a period of time or forever then yes. I am prepared to give it a go if it means gaining back his trust. My feelings towards him and us being together means more to me than drink so yes, I am prepared to do what it takes. Why not do it even IF he doesn't ask you? This is for you - doing what's best for yourself. Can you never have a drink again? Not even one? 1
Author winter-solstice Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Youre right. As of today I am not consuming any alcohol, maybe in the future but I need to sort myself out. I have also emailed my local community center about counselling. I am dedicated to getting some form of help. I don't want to ever be in this situation again, it will ruin my life. It will stop now! I dont want to hurt anyone like I have. 2
Smilecharmer Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I think there have been some great suggestions here. Alcohol isn't your friend because you have some inner psychological issues you need to address and I'm so glad you are doing that. Poor man, I can't imagine the pain and confusion I would feel if my husband did this to me. No rugs weeping, time for a hard look. No matter what happens, you are getting help and examining your past. You are right to let him have his space. You owe him a huge apology and a blueprint for changing your behaviors. Hugs, if ok. You will be fine if you get help. You can't force anything on him so give him space. He deserves some boundaries right now.
beach Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) Maybe in the future? I would think the best decision is never again. I mean seriously, you tried to cut your own wrists! Did your BF give any good reason for staying with you? Does he express what his healthy boundary is? Are you prepared to begin expressing your feelings in a HEALTHY way so that you don't bottle them up and explode again? Are you willing to do anything and everything to get past your negative emotions/resentments? What will that look like for you? Edited July 7, 2014 by beach
Author winter-solstice Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Yes maybe in the future. Once I have sorted myself out and if I do in the future it will never be to excess like the other night. But that's future, right now I've decided to not drink at all which won't be that hard for me as I don't really drink much since uni which means I won't miss drinking or anything and I can focus more on counselling. We have not spoken. He asked to be alone and not spoken to so I have respected his wishes. We live together so he is in the spare room right now and I have kept myself in the other room when he comes home from work. He is processing what happened and what he should do which is completely right. I want to give him as much time and space that he needs and when/if he ever wants to talk then I will be here. I am completely prepared for what I have to do. I don't want to be like this, explosive. I need to think calmly about a situation before I react. And when I do react it should be talking about why I feel a certain way about something. I deffo need to not bottle up whatever is bother me and express immediately my feelings. When I attend counselling I am hoping I will learn healthy ways to express myself. I am willing to do anything. In all my past relationships my boyfriends have cheated on me and a couple openly in my face. I now always feel slightly insecure and wary of anyone. My bf was single for years being a single guy which is completely fine and he told me openly that he was with a different girl every couple of weeks... and now I always feel inside a bit insecure that he misses all that and I hate the idea that so many people "had" him. But he chose me, to be with me and I need to focus on the positive. I need to start thinking, he could still be single if he wanted to do that. But he isnt, he chose to be in a relationship with me. I should have probably discussed why I feel this way with him but I bottled that up too, I should have told him about my vulnerabilities but I always felt I shouldn't in case it sounded ridiculous. I feel like writing a letter or list of everything and let it all out, I never tell anyone about anything.
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