I can't talk to girls or flirt with them. Where/how do I learn?

July 7, 2014

Can you people help me out? How do I not get nervous and also can you give me some tips on how to flirt? This is for early on when you have just recently met.

Every time there was a girl I tried to chat up or was interested in last semester, I played things way too safe (so safe that it was unsafe), couldn't flirt, didn't know what to say, any little confidence in myself would vanish, was super awkward, and couldn't get a conversation or keep one going for more than a minute. Talking to girls felt like tip-toeing on ice that's a millimeter thick and it still does. If you had spectated, you guys would have been like, "This kid needs to lighten the **** up and actually talk to the girl. And I mean, actually talk to her - not just the safe, 'How are you?' stale as **** **** he keeps asking" (you can tell I am frustrated with myself). Every time I would approach a girl, those annoying as **** "bitch butterflies", as Simple Pickup calls them would start flying in my stomach.

That's what I have been trying to ask all along. How do I get rid of this and actually be able to have a natural conversation that doesn't feel forced and flirting? What is that? No seriously, I can't flirt for ****. That's why I am asking.

July 7, 2014

First, don't think of them as potential dating / romantic prospects. Instead just talk to them as you would anybody and get to know them (and have them get to know you). By far the girls that crushed on me the most in high school were ones that I just knew as friends and talked to. I didn't flirt or anything.

Second, be yourself (or at least yourself when you're not nervous). It really doesn't matter what these girls (or anybody for that matter) thinks of you. And to be honest, most people aren't really all that concerned with other people as they're too busy worrying about themselves.

Third, force yourself to talk to girls (just in a friendly way) even though you're really nervous - even if you're shaking. That is the best way to get rid of the nerves - it's called desensitization and it's the same technique psychologists use to get people over their phobias. Repeated exposure will desensitize you to it so talking to girls will become natural.

July 7, 2014

Remind yourself that everybody is nervous at first. Don't over analyze everything. Just be normal & natural. Smile. Be polite. Be interested in what she has to say.

July 8, 2014

But Wheezy1973, won't that get me friendzoned? If I don't show my interest early on?

July 8, 2014

There are some things to keep in mind when talking to girls

1. You control the interaction. You first introduction sets the tone for whether the girl will view you as a sexual partner or a friend. Practice the first minute of conversation the most. Do not come off as an emotional towel that will soak up all her problems with a friendly ear.

2. Never get upset at anything she says. Avoid or have fun with any negativity or insults that come your way. (You probably already got this one. It's the very definition of flirting)

3. Don't stay too long. Get the number after 5-10 minutes and move on. Girls are waiting for you to ask, and will often give you the number if you didn't blow the whole thing (being overly offensive/have some terrible hygiene issue)

4. Be funny. Be interesting. If you can't be either of those, then you have to create things ahead of time to talk about. Search news articles, watch stand up, and do an activity during the week which you can refer to. Even if you do it once, you can always say something like "I just cooked the most amazing braised duck at a cooking class the other week, it was so delicious I went into a food coma for 3 days. Now other food never tastes the same...I would make it for you but only if you can share this misery."

You are implying you did something interesting. A cooking class. You are implying you can cook something well, a skill. You are implying that you would like to make it for her. You are being funny about it. You want her to connect with you by sharing your misery of food never tasting the same after eating your perfect braised duck

Do you see where I'm going with this. I just made it up. This will create a spark in some women, others will shoot you down. Some women will challenge you and say, "I don't like duck though, what else can you make?" I'd say "Tell me what you like to cook, and we'll have a cook off. I'm not going to let you win just because your cute either" It becomes a back and forth. Banter.

You ask her something about herself. You again imply that you should cook together. You imply attraction while also maintaining you are strong.

For all the women who are reading this now and think "This is over thought out and ridiculous" you would be correct, but it works on some women. The rest is my personality which is the foundation of the interaction. I will match with some girls while some girls will be turned off. It's natural

5. Don't swear, don't be racist, don't bring up politics unless asked, don't talk about work or money, don't drink more than 3 drinks if alcohol is involved, don't be negative. ever. I don't care if she has one the ugliest pair of dirty white tennis shoes you've ever seen in your life. Get ready to be rejected for no reason.

Practice the first minute. Everything after that should feel natural. You are ready to talk to girls.

Edited July 8, 2014 by Scales

July 8, 2014

There are some things to keep in mind when talking to girls

1. You control the interaction. You first introduction sets the tone for whether the girl will view you as a sexual partner or a friend. Practice the first minute of conversation the most. Do not come off as an emotional towel that will soak up all her problems with a friendly ear.

2. Never get upset at anything she says. Avoid or have fun with any negativity or insults that come your way. (You probably already got this one. It's the very definition of flirting)

3. Don't stay too long. Get the number after 5-10 minutes and move on. Girls are waiting for you to ask, and will often give you the number if you didn't blow the whole thing (being overly offensive/have some terrible hygiene issue)

4. Be funny. Be interesting. If you can't be either of those, then you have to create things ahead of time to talk about. Search news articles, watch stand up, and do an activity during the week which you can refer to. Even if you do it once, you can always say something like "I just cooked the most amazing braised duck at a cooking class the other week, it was so delicious I went into a food coma for 3 days. Now other food never tastes the same...I would make it for you but only if you can share this misery."

You are implying you did something interesting. A cooking class. You are implying you can cook something well, a skill. You are implying that you would like to make it for her. You are being funny about it. You want her to connect with you by sharing your misery of food never tasting the same after eating your perfect braised duck

Do you see where I'm going with this. I just made it up. This will create a spark in some women, others will shoot you down. Some women will challenge you and say, "I don't like duck though, what else can you make?" I'd say "Tell me what you like to cook, and we'll have a cook off. I'm not going to let you win just because your cute either" It becomes a back and forth. Banter.

You ask her something about herself. You again imply that you should cook together. You imply attraction while also maintaining you are strong.

For all the women who are reading this now and think "This is over thought out and ridiculous" you would be correct, but it works on some women. The rest is my personality which is the foundation of the interaction. I will match with some girls while some girls will be turned off. It's natural

5. Don't swear, don't be racist, don't bring up politics unless asked, don't talk about work or money, don't drink more than 3 drinks if alcohol is involved, don't be negative. ever. I don't care if she has one the ugliest pair of dirty white tennis shoes you've ever seen in your life. Get ready to be rejected for no reason.

Practice the first minute. Everything after that should feel natural. You are ready to talk to girls.

Obviously this advice is about approaching women you don't know very well and doesn't extend into further conversations within the context of an actual friendship or relationship, but for cold approaches, it seems pretty good. :-)

July 8, 2014

But Wheezy1973, won't that get me friendzoned? If I don't show my interest early on?

Maybe, but that's really the point. Don't worry about it. If a girl doesn't see you as a romantic interest that's fine. Just like you're not attracted to every girl out there, not every girl is going to be attracted to you.

July 8, 2014

Maybe, but that's really the point. Don't worry about it. If a girl doesn't see you as a romantic interest that's fine. Just like you're not attracted to every girl out there, not every girl is going to be attracted to you.

Alright. I asked because it seems counterintuitive. A lot of dating guys (Jad T Jones for example) recommend flirting and letting her see you as a potential lover early on so you don't get put in the friendzone and to also avoid coming off as manipulative because pretending to be her friend so you can be something more is kind of manipulative which can turn girls off.

July 8, 2014

Alright. I asked because it seems counterintuitive. A lot of dating guys (Jad T Jones for example) recommend flirting and letting her see you as a potential lover early on so you don't get put in the friendzone and to also avoid coming off as manipulative because pretending to be her friend so you can be something more is kind of manipulative which can turn girls off.

Yes, I agree that it is manipulative to pretend to be her friend if you actually want something more. That's why I personally advocate just being their friend. And nothing more.

Stop caring what they think. Just talk to them. Be friendly and supportive. And be yourself. Some will like you and some won't. There really isn't a magic formula. I suspect many of the "PUA artists" that you view on the internet are single and couldn't be in a true, meaningful, relationship if their life depended upon it. Don't be one of those guys.

July 8, 2014

Alright. I asked because it seems counterintuitive. A lot of dating guys (Jad T Jones for example) recommend flirting and letting her see you as a potential lover early on so you don't get put in the friendzone and to also avoid coming off as manipulative because pretending to be her friend so you can be something more is kind of manipulative which can turn girls off.

Stop listening to jerkoff hacks on the internet....They know nothing about you, and women arent like dogs that can be "tricked" with a bone or something...Jeez...

You know what.?

You are probably gonna look back on this one day and get a laugh,...Right about the time a woman you are with is talking the leg off a chair and you just want to get the hell out of there..."OK, babe....gotta get back to work now-Ill catch you later".....

All kidding aside...Just be yourself and dont rely on tricks or games...They(girls/ women) dont play that crap, despite what you heard/read...The good and intelligent one's dont, anyway...

TFY

July 8, 2014

But dude, Jad T Jones is great. And his philosophy is all about not being manipulative and leaving a woman better than you found her. He's a really wise guy. I mean you can check him out on YouTube for yourself. A lot of his videos don't have more than a few dislikes compared do hundreds of likes...

July 8, 2014

Community colleges should offer Flirting 101 classes.

Bet you a lot of people would attend (myself included).

July 8, 2014

I think the general point people are making though is that for you, maybe the best strategy is not to focus on a girl you want to date, but to focus on getting comfortable chatting with girls in general. So that when you do get to talking to one you want to date, you won't freeze up and can make conversation with her (with a little light flirting thrown in). But step one for you seems to be to get past "how are you" into having an actual conversation. Just practice with people - make the goal having a cheerful conversation with someone, not getting a date. That should take some of the pressure off. Plenty of time to crank it up to flirting when you're ready for step two. Master step one first.

July 8, 2014

Alright, thanks for the clarification serial muse.

July 9, 2014

Let me further explain. The biggest problem is that I never know what to do whenever I have a crush. I never really get the ice broken or her to properly open up to me. Then I go online for advice and people tell me general stuff, but then in real life, I wimp out a lot of the time because I feel like she will think I am a creep or something for talking to her, even if I don't flirt (which is why in real life I almost never actually flirt...). I anticipate that she will think, "Why is this dude talking to me? Wait yep, he likes me. Why else would a guy try to talk to a girl randomly like this?" Plus, I don't really know how to start. I can make conversation situationally, but if it's like, "There's your crush. Go up and talk to her," without there really being something there to actually talk about, my mind goes blank and I don't know what to say or how to start which is why I often spend so much time passive before I finally go up to her. I remember last semester, with my first crush, it took me weeks. I started talking to her weeks after I had officially developed a crush on her. And of course, I didn't get anywhere for reasons explained in this post and the OP.

EDIT: I have developed another crush recently yet again (which is what caused me to start this thread). Again, in the same position. Don't know what the **** to do.

Edited July 9, 2014 by R3d

July 9, 2014

You don't have to be as witty or smooth as you think you do. Sincere & polite will get you much farther.

What you talk about isn't as important as the fact that you are talking. Ask her Qs but don't interview her. Favorite movie / song / artist . . . what does she want to be when she grows up . . . . funniest childhood memory. The key is to listen to the answers & be interested in what she has to say.

Smile. Touch her hand or arm.

When you see her eyes sparkle, ask for a date.

Sign In

I can't talk to girls or flirt with them. Where/how do I learn?

Recommended Posts

R3d

Weezy1973

d0nnivain

R3d

Scales

AnyaNova

Weezy1973

R3d

Weezy1973

thefooloftheyear

R3d

Disillusioned

serial muse

R3d

R3d

d0nnivain

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...