ExposedBrick Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I've have been dating a woman for the past two months. We are very compatible in terms of personality and values. On the first two dates, I found her physically attractive. However, since then, I find her physical attractiveness can vary quite dramatically depending on how she presents herself. Its varies to the point that I don't find her attractive about half the time. She is also a bit prudish as we still haven't had sex yet. We do make out and exchange handjob/fingering sessions, but its not particularly loaded with sexual chemistry. I have a hard time discussing sex with her as she is a rather straight laced gal. I know no one is perfect, including myself, in the physical department. I'd hate to let a great gal go after a rough year of dating. However, my inconsistent level of physical attraction towards her is a significant concern. Has anyone else experienced this phenomenon or have suggestions to reconcile the qualms?
central Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I wouldn't say you're shallow, just uncertain if she's a good match for you overall and long-term. If you project what you know now into the future, do you think this limited/negative attraction and restrained sexuality will be things you'll be happy about? It sounds more like you're settling because you don't know if you can do better. IMO, you probably can, and personally, I've learned that I'd rather be alone than with a poor match.
Smilecharmer Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I'd be more concerned with lack of chemistry. That is a tell in relationships and nothing you do can help with that. I find that how I perceived the external attractiveness really had much to do with chemistry. I've dated really gorgeous men who I lacked chemistry with and I started physically seeing them differently after finding no chemistry and little rapport. Other times I have met someone who I really didn't find that attractive at first but they had a great personality and really great sense of self and charisma and soon I would find them the hottest thing on the planet. I don't think you are shallow, but I do think you need to let her move on before sex because you shouldn't lead her on when you aren't into her very much. There is nothing like feeling over the moon and being with someone you can't wait to touch again. I still get butterflies knowing I'm going to see my husband again and we've been married for years.
jay1983 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I've have been dating a woman for the past two months. We are very compatible in terms of personality and values. On the first two dates, I found her physically attractive. However, since then, I find her physical attractiveness can vary quite dramatically depending on how she presents herself. Its varies to the point that I don't find her attractive about half the time. She is also a bit prudish as we still haven't had sex yet. We do make out and exchange handjob/fingering sessions, but its not particularly loaded with sexual chemistry. I have a hard time discussing sex with her as she is a rather straight laced gal. I know no one is perfect, including myself, in the physical department. I'd hate to let a great gal go after a rough year of dating. However, my inconsistent level of physical attraction towards her is a significant concern. Has anyone else experienced this phenomenon or have suggestions to reconcile the qualms? Describe what you mean when she presents herself in an unattractive way. Is it clothes and make up, or you referring to her behavior?
Author ExposedBrick Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Describe what you mean when she presents herself in an unattractive way. Is it clothes and make up, or you referring to her behavior? In terms of presentation, her behavior is always very well-mannered. She wouldn't hurt a fly. She is a nerdy girl and doesn't wear makeup, which is fine. However, her clothing and hair presentation at times really alters her look negatively. Does that help?
Author ExposedBrick Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 I wouldn't say you're shallow, just uncertain if she's a good match for you overall and long-term. If you project what you know now into the future, do you think this limited/negative attraction and restrained sexuality will be things you'll be happy about? It sounds more like you're settling because you don't know if you can do better. IMO, you probably can, and personally, I've learned that I'd rather be alone than with a poor match. You might be right. I've dated a record number of women in the past year and nothing seems to be panning out. Therefore, I can't help but start to wonder if I'm the problem. How do you know you are settling vs. realizing you're too picky?
jay1983 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 In terms of presentation, her behavior is always very well-mannered. She wouldn't hurt a fly. She is a nerdy girl and doesn't wear makeup, which is fine. However, her clothing and hair presentation at times really alters her look negatively. Does that help? How do you think she feels about you?
Author ExposedBrick Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 How do you think she feels about you? She seems to give every indication she likes me a lot. She is a really kind and sweet girl. Its hard for me to imagine telling her I don't want to see her anymore. I can't help but wonder on the other side of the coin if I might be sabotaging things in some way. She reminds me a lot of a former girlfriend I had for a few years. Her restrained, always play by the book attitude really put some strain on the amount of fun I had in life. Despite all her great qualities, she just doesn't seem to excite me very much and its just disappointing.
jay1983 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 She seems to give every indication she likes me a lot. She is a really kind and sweet girl. Its hard for me to imagine telling her I don't want to see her anymore. I can't help but wonder on the other side of the coin if I might be sabotaging things in some way. She reminds me a lot of a former girlfriend I had for a few years. Her restrained, always play by the book attitude really put some strain on the amount of fun I had in life. Despite all her great qualities, she just doesn't seem to excite me very much and its just disappointing. Okay I have an idea of what you mean. When I started seeing my son's mother, I was seeing her because she was attractive. She was boring, didn't like going out drinking and didn't like it when I did my thing. A year into it she went from boring to just plain negative about everything, but we had a baby together so breaking it off became much more difficult. I don't know if that helped any, but I though I'd share.
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