Patient Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) Hi guys. So I really need advice on this one.my ex and I broke up a month ago(he spit in my face) and I just found out im pregnant.I had not initiated any contact with him at all until found out a out the pregnancy. Within this past month he has constantly sent me nasty emails, emails talking a out a girl hes with etc.everyday he email me a out things concerning the relationship.I told him I was pregnant he didnt believe me until I took a test and sent the pic. I dated my ex four years so I know this is outta hurt.He doesnt want me to get rid of the baby based off things hes said but in the same breath hes emailing me nasty things. He cant call or text me I changed my number two days ago and I refuse to let him have my new number.ive been so sick from the baby and its a daily reminder of him. He wanted to talk so he could tell me the same things hes emailing me and I didnt respond.if its not about the baby I dont entertain it but the emails wont stop.what should I do? I was thinking of calling his mom a out the pregnancy but I dunno.im confused I dunno what to do.help please! Edited July 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and move to BBU
CarrieT Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 You said that based on things he said, you don't believe he would want you to "get rid of the baby." What are your personal views on abortion? You can't take his account into this if he is not in your life with the exception of filing for child support if you intend to keep the child. In wanting to contact his mother, what are you looking for? Lastly, how old are you? 2
Author Patient Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Hi Carrie.I am 27 years old.I dont believe in abortion but I am highly contemplating one.I dunno what talking to his mom would do I just need comforting im a emotional wreck right now.I jist want the nasty emails to stop.its nothing positive and its all a bout the relationship that is now over.they are pointless.weve had many off and on times in our relationship this isnt our first breakup either but im permanently done.
stephy567 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) I am so sorry you are going through this. I recently (for the first and only time) found out I had an unplanned pregnancy. I was still with my boyfriend when I found out and I am still with him now, but it was a very difficult time. It sounds like you haven't decided what to do. It is your decision to make and I'm not advocating one choice over the other, whether to keep it or not. I just wanted to share with you my experience. I decided to end my pregnancy. I went to family planning (fpawomenshealth.com) and they were really helpful. Because I found out really early, I was able to get a medical abortion (where you take a pill there and a pill at home). It was physically and mentally painful, but I am doing fine now. I don't have lingering depression about the experience. I advise you to talk to those close to you that you trust (friends and family members) for support and to talk about what you think you'll do. I agree that if you decide to keep the baby, it doesn't sound like your ex is someone you can count on for anything regarding having or raising the child. He also doesn't sound like a very positive influence to have around you. From what you describe, he sounds very immature and destructive. I also wonder what you are looking for in contacting his mother? If she is someone you have grown close to and are looking for support and guidance, I guess that might be ok. But, she definitely will not be able to separate herself from the situation as he is her son. She will also also be partial to his feelings and his interests because he is her son. Edited July 7, 2014 by stephy567
Gaeta Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Sorry for being blunt. I know it's an emotional time for you. Terminate the pregnancy. He is not father material, if you go ahead with the pregnancy you will be linked to this monster for the rest of your life. You really think a man spitting in your face and harassing you with emails is husband and father material? If you have this child you are looking at a life time of battles over child support, custody time battle, and over all a life time of battle on how you want this child to be raised. 3
stephy567 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I just wanted to add that it could be helpful to talk to a helpline for unplanned pregnancies. I don't know if any, but fpawomenshealth.com or plannedparenthood.org should have one or should be able to give you the number for one. They are really supportive there and don't pressure you either way regarding deciding. I wish I could give you a big hug. That is such a hard thing to go through. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Get a lawyer. Before you abort think about adoption. There are hundred of childless couples who would love to adopt a baby. 4
katinlc Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 My advice is don't make a rash decision on anything until you have had a chance to come to grips with everything that is going on and are able to make a rational decision (abortion, keeping the baby, adoption) that you will be able to live with the rest of your life. I dont believe in abortion but I am highly contemplating one.I dunno what talking to his mom would do I just need comforting im a emotional wreck right now. This phrase concerns me because you say you don't believe in abortion, but you are contemplating one. I would just want to make sure that you are choosing an abortion because you have decided it is right for you and not out of fear/emotional anguish. Especially since you say you don't believe in abortion, you need to make sure you are ok with that decision as it may go against what you have always believed and there will emotional ramifications from that. I agree with Gaeta that this man will not be someone you want to father a child with based on his actions and I think this should be a consideration. If you want to keep the child, would he let you do it in peace? Are you willing to raise a child alone or co-parent with this man if that is what he wants? Finally, is adoption an option? Would this man consider signing his parental rights away if you chose to go this route? Would this be a route you may want to consider if you do not go with an abortion? Basically, there are a LOT of things to think about and consider. Right now you are a wreck with all that is going on and that needs to be dealt with first. If talking to his mother would help calm him down and she could get him to be more rational, that may be a good way to go. I don't want to tell you what you should do on such a personal matter (that's ultimately up to you), but help you see the ramifications of different choices to help you make the best decision for you. 2
DArtagnan2 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I think what the poster suggested about talking to a professional who deals with unplanned pregnancy is a good idea. Maybe also see if you can find a support group to go to in order to get support from others who are going through the same thing. As for the ex and his nastiness, I would say just block his emails or set up a "rule" in your email account that will move any emails from him to another folder. I only say keep them because of legal stuff that may come up later when it comes to getting monetary child support from him. You might want these emails as evidence in a custody battle or the like if he decides to be even a further abusive jerk about this pregnancy or child. I would print off any emails you have received now and store them in a box or folder somewhere in order to have them if you need them. Date/time stamps will be important as evidence if it does go that route. I am sorry you are having to deal with such a crappy situation while you are goign through the process of pregnancy. just remember, that whatever you do regarding the pregnancy and child's support afterwards if you were to keep the baby has to be what is best for you AND the child. Those should always be in the forefront of your mind regardless of what anyone else says you should or shouldn't do now that you find yourself in this situation. If you decided to get an abortion or put the baby up for adoption, you have to notify him of your decision because, even though he is a abusive jerk, he will have rights and you don't want to find yourself on the wrong end of that. He could do things out of spite and given what has transpired, I wouldn't put it past him to do anything to hurt you further. take care of yourself as much as you can with eating and resting despite the crap he is spewing. Try to minimize any contact from him by setting up those filters. You have to not only worry about the baby you are now carrying but your own health through this as it will put your body through a lot. stay safe.
Author Patient Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Thanks you all for replying.I am very upset and frustrated and depressed takes everything in me to keep going day in and day out.I am a mother to a little girl and so im taking that into account as well.this is very painful for me to deal with but I will make the right decision and be strong doing so.itll be easier if I wasnt so sick everyday smh. 1
me85 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) Alright, here's my 2 cents: It's been my belief for the longest that there are few exceptions for an abortion. Please think long and hard about this. You weren't sexually assaulted. Yes, your ex is a POS but so is my dad. Despite my struggles and lack of a father figure, I do just fine and always have. If things are bad now, or take a turn for the worst later, you can file a restraining order on him and go to any length to keep him out of your life. You will have full custody of your child no problem because you aren't married. I don't know the laws in your state but I strongly advise that you start doing a lot of research on the matter if you haven't already. Try to ignore your ex. He's not good for you. Right now you should be taking every precaution for you and your baby. Whatever you decide be sure it's really what you want. Even though this was not the ideal way to get pregnant, I'm still going to congratulate you anyways...Congratulations Best wishes & God bless, J Edited July 7, 2014 by me85
Diezel Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I am a mother to a little girl and so im taking that into account as well. You have another kid as well? With this guy?
smackie9 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Go to a family planning clinic and get some free counseling. Their counselors will be able to help you with some different options and help choose what's best for you.
Author Patient Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Yes Diezel I have a daughter from my ex fiance.
CarrieT Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Yes Diezel I have a daughter from my ex fiance. How is he with the parenting of that child? Does he pay support?
Author Patient Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 My daughter is not his child she is from a previous relationship when I was engaged.ibhave no children with him but from how he handles his other children I wouldn't say hes the best father he does what he feels.his daughters mom is who hes supposedly with which thats a whole different situation (she abuses their kids and has been to jail lots of times) but in the grand scheme of things he doesnt get the father of the year award no
Omei Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I cant believe how easy people are willing to tell you to terminate your pregnancy based on what this guy is like. it's not about him, it's all about you and this baby It's all about if you want this child in your life, and if you can care for it and love it, it's about if you are ready. Make your decision based on what you want to do in your life. He may be connected to you for life if you have it, he may step up he may not he may vanish completely and yes take that into consideration... But please do not make the choice to abort over just who he is this life inside you is not him. 4
No Limit Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Adoption, adoption, and again adoption. I'm not saying a pregnancy is an easy thing, but to abort because of a jerk is a high cost and not just for you. 4
Omei Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Adoption, adoption, and again adoption. I'm not saying a pregnancy is an easy thing, but to abort because of a jerk is a high cost and not just for you. Agree Adoption too tho is just as hard, maybe in fact harder than abortion as you will have to see this baby you are giving up. All the choices are hard ones
me85 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I cant believe how easy people are willing to tell you to terminate your pregnancy based on what this guy is like. it's not about him, it's all about you and this baby It's all about if you want this child in your life, and if you can care for it and love it, it's about if you are ready. Make your decision based on what you want to do in your life. He may be connected to you for life if you have it, he may step up he may not he may vanish completely and yes take that into consideration... But please do not make the choice to abort over just who he is this life inside you is not him. Well said. 1
preraph Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 You're going to be stuck with this guy for the next 18 years if you keep the child. It's obviously not a good situation. You need to do what is best for you and not even worry about what he thinks he wants. Men have very little to do with the hands-on care of a child in most instances, so it's easy for them to say to keep it and raise it yourself. 1
No Limit Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Agree Adoption too tho is just as hard, maybe in fact harder than abortion as you will have to see this baby you are giving up. All the choices are hard ones No, the only reason why abortion is "easy" is because the women don't get confronted with their babies, or what is left of them. I informed myself a lot about abortion before making my own opinion, and at one point I found pictures of remnants. Little arms, with fingers. Little heads, with dark emptiness where their eyes would be had they lived. I'm not really the emotional type and don't even twitch at stuff like Titanic, but those photos are branded into my mind. I wonder if abortions could have been prevented if those women had looked at them, just for a second. 2
Omei Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) No, the only reason why abortion is "easy" is because the women don't get confronted with their babies, or what is left of them. I informed myself a lot about abortion before making my own opinion, and at one point I found pictures of remnants. Little arms, with fingers. Little heads, with dark emptiness where their eyes would be had they lived. I'm not really the emotional type and don't even twitch at stuff like Titanic, but those photos are branded into my mind. I wonder if abortions could have been prevented if those women had looked at them, just for a second. I can agree with that when I was 16 I had an abortion because I wasn't ready... I got pregnant again at 19 with my now 7 year old child (not from lack of protection **** happens I now take a shot because of how untrustworthy I find condoms) and I had her because I had all this love to give but no place to put it I wasn't totally ready you can never be totally ready but I was positive I was okay with my life changing forever. Tho I never saw the baby I aborted in any form but I felt some guilt and still to this day I often wonder what my life would of been like and what my baby would of been sometimes. to add....for me the looks of the young girls I was sat next too in the recovery room some of them smiling because they were *high* off the drugs given or thought it was fun to be out of it like it was a game or cool? I hated their faces those are branded in my mind Edited July 7, 2014 by Omei 1
No Limit Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 to add....for me the looks of the young girls I was sat next too in the recovery room some of them smiling because they were *high* off the drugs given or thought it was fun I hated their faces those are branded in my mind The ignorance that often (because I know this will for sure be misunderstood - OFTEN, NOT ALL) surrounds women who go for abortions is sickening indeed. If anyone ever intends to start a campaign for sterilization for women (or vasectomy for men) I'll happily donate for it. My mother had 4 abortions before she had me, she was one of those who were foolish enough to believe the "condoms never fit me" excuse. Today, with me being an only child and without any relatives in this country (and because by her description I was the easiest child to take care of, basically never screamed etc), my mother too wonders what it would have been like if she had let my predecessor live. Especially that concerning our better-than-most-financial-situation as well. Personally, all I wonder is what had happened had I been "made" just a few months earlier. Chances are I would have been killed. Hence why I'd love to punch everyone who says "If my mother had aborted me, well too bad, I wouldn't have minded it at all". Or at least put them in a room with a mad murderer with a steak knife and see how they won't mind being killed then. 1
me85 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 The ignorance that often (because I know this will for sure be misunderstood - OFTEN, NOT ALL) surrounds women who go for abortions is sickening indeed. If anyone ever intends to start a campaign for sterilization for women (or vasectomy for men) I'll happily donate for it. My mother had 4 abortions before she had me, she was one of those who were foolish enough to believe the "condoms never fit me" excuse. Today, with me being an only child and without any relatives in this country (and because by her description I was the easiest child to take care of, basically never screamed etc), my mother too wonders what it would have been like if she had let my predecessor live. Especially that concerning our better-than-most-financial-situation as well. Personally, all I wonder is what had happened had I been "made" just a few months earlier. Chances are I would have been killed. Hence why I'd love to punch everyone who says "If my mother had aborted me, well too bad, I wouldn't have minded it at all". Or at least put them in a room with a mad murderer with a steak knife and see how they won't mind being killed then. My mom almost aborted me. & ya, she actually told me that. Not in a "I hate you" argument or anything. My mom and I have always been better at being friends than mother and daughter. We were discussing the topic of abortion. That's when she opened up to me and how she was so thankful she didn't do it. Her and my father had a terrible marriage and that was just a time in her life when everything was upside down and she didn't know what to do. So, I take absolutely no offense to her confession. We're all human. I do support women who choose to have abortions if they have been sexually assualted. Or little girls who were molested. I'm very thankful that women have the legal right to choose for themselves in those types (& only those types) of situations. So I will always vote pro choice because of that. 1
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