jnr587 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Hi all- I think I know how to approach this situation but I just feel like sounding off. Any comments are welcomed. I am a 32-year-old guy. I have recently accepted that I am gay and have begun telling some close friends. I made a really close male friend through work a little over a year ago. We unexpectedly hit it off incredibly well and rapidly became inseparable. At the time we both had girlfriends, but that didn't stop us from texting each other constantly and hanging out several times a week. I was fairly new to my city and his friendship was exactly what I had been missing. Unfortunately he moved a few hours away in December for his job. We kept in very close contact- texting almost daily and talking on the phone for like an hour at a time 1-2 times a week. We have also hung out a few times but he has a pretty demanding job so we can't hang out often. Our communication may have dropped off slightly over the ensuing months (texted every other dady or so), but our conversations have always been very frank. He is a couple years younger than me and I think he looks up to me- always asking for advice, etc. We confided a lot in each other. Over the course of the spring I started accepting I was gay and I broke up with my girlfriend in April. I would be lying if I said feeling for him played no role in this, but I have been careful to not drop hints to him because he is straight. In early May, I told him I was gay. His response was very kind and our friendship continued as normal for another 2-3 weeks. Since then, though, his contact dropped off dramatically. My birthday was in June and he didn't acknowledge it. A week went by where I waited for him to initiate contact. When I finally called him, he didn't answer and attempts to text him have been resulted in minimal conversation. I finally called him on this a week ago and sent him a letter to see what was wrong. I acknowledged that I thought it had nothing to do with me- I know he has his own personal difficulties- but I missed hearing from him and if anything was wrong I wanted him to know I was there since he is such a good friend. I asked him if me coming out to him made him uncomfortable. I told him I just missed hearing from him and wanted things to go back to normal. He was very apologetic but never offered an explanation as to why our contact dropped off so quickly. I accepted his apology without hesitation. He told me that he considers me one of his closest friends. Since then, he has been better about initiating contact but there is still something missing from the conversations. It seems like we have nothing to talk about- when we used to be able to talk for hours. He never asks me anything about me. And he doesn't seem as open when he talks to me. I don't know what to do. Something is clearly going on, but I don't know how hard I should try to stay in touch. I don't want to leave a friend high and dry, but if he is trying to get rid of me I don't want to seem desperate for his friendship. I know long-distance friendships drift away with time. I was told that coming out to someone usually strengthens the friendship, but I feel like our friendship is a lot more distant than it used to be (whether my coming out has anything to do with it, I don't know).
Moonborn Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 It seems to me that you did the right thing in trying to reach out to him, now it's out of your hands I'd say. As a straight guy, if my male best friend realized he is gay I would definitely be a bit awkward at first, so maybe he just needs some time to process it. I would definitely try to stay in contact, but without forcing it too much.
preraph Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I guess he feels it has redefined his role and is probably confused now and wonders if there's much more he doesn't know about you. He may have some homophobia, but it's more likely he's just feeling awkward now wondering: Has he led you on at all? Do you have a crush on him? Can you two still talk about girls? Does he feel comfortable having you talk about guys? I agree with the poster above. First I would acknowledge to him via email or phone that you understand this has probably come as a shock to him. As long as your feelings for him are under control, tell him you don't want anything more from your friendship than what you've had. Tell him you still like to talk about the same things as before and go to the same places as before (with him in tow). That's about all you can do. Give him a little space but try to stay in touch unless he just says it's too much for him to get used to. Good luck!
Author jnr587 Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 Thanks to both of you for your very sound advice. I am hoping you are right. I didn't expect it to be awkward and I feel bad that maybe it is putting him in a weird spot. He is a good guy and I know that he does care about me, so I think I need to be more patient. We have chatted a little more the past couple days so here's to hoping...
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