me85 Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 OUCH. I'm really sorry you're in love with someone who did that to you. This is something my ex would do. I hope you realize what a huge mistake he made and how it really shouldn't be forgiven. At least not to the point of talking to him. He and you are on the verge of an affair. Infidelity is bad enough but 100x worse in a marriage. Don't be the OW.
Lovemesomehim Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 What mistake did he make? He told you he loved you, and he's a married man, that in itself is wrong on his part because he's married. He's not being fair to you. He has you hanging on while he's enjoying his life with his wife. Four years and you are still stuck there. But I understand your thinking. I know it is hard to let him go because you love him and letting your love go would mean not believing in his love for you. I cant send messages I have subscribed to the premium subscription but still can't send messages. Really would like to talk to you. I was once where you are right now.
georgia girl Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Searchin81, At about your age, I could have written nearly the same post - except my ex had a new girlfriend (who he did ultimately marry). Here's what I hope I can help you recognize for your own sake and to save yourself so much heartache. Unfortunately, someone did say this to me and I still refused to believe it. I nope you are not like me. First, you have romanticized everything about this man and this relationship. You no longer see what was bad or what faults he had. That puts you in a horrible position. How could you get over the perfect man and the perfect relationship? That is nearly impossible. Consciously stop doing this. When you begin fantsizing about being together - which is fun - stop yourself. You are not only making it too hard toget over him, you are choosing to live in fantasy and not reality.. Then. You just start existing where you spend all of your time thinking about him and convincing yourself you will never get over him. While you are in the phase you are now, you also need to stop talking to him and about him to others. It keeps your fantasy alive and you can't handle it. Recognize that this guy is leading you on. Maybe he has some leftover feelings, maybe it's validation because you rejected him or maybe he secretly believes you have been chasing him for years and he gets off thinking that he is so desireble by someone other than just his wife. Regardless, this man is living his life and building his future while every once in awhile indulging in a fantasy with you. Meanwhile, IMO, you are literally hanging on for the next contact with him. To me, all of this is not love - it's obsession. It's also what we do when we are bored and lonely. Remember, I have been where you are. Please go hard core no contact, force your mind to accept that it's over and quit looking backward. You are wasting some very valuable time. Sorry for the tough love, but believe me, I know what this feels like. Me? I married the absolute love of my life a few years ago. I am amazed daily by how perfect my husband is for me. It was a happy ending for all of us- once I decided to start writing my own success. You think this guy is perfect until you meet the right one. Then, it's amazing how easy and right it actually feels 1
whichwayisup Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 I dont claim that. This is stuff he has said to me, not just what others have said. He will say things like, " I never felt that way about anyone else", "never wanted anyone so bad"...ect.. he said alot. I cant understand why someone would do this just for fun unless they really felt that way. Because he is buttering you up to be his OW so you can fall deeper and have an affair with him. If he truly was "in love" with you and wanted to be with you in a honest way he'd divorce and do everything necessary to make that happen. People say stuff all the time in the heat of the moment but know in the next moment nothing is going to come of it. Listen to what others are trying to tell you. 2
jellybean89 Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 What advice are you looking for? Several have said he doesn't act like someone who loves just you and wants to be with just you. You are allowing yourself to be the OW. Why? You can change that by telling him to stop contacting you and by blocking him. Do you enjoy the drama of "competing" with his wife for priority status? Do you believe if you just hang in there, he will eventually pick you and leave his wife? How long are you willing to wait? 1
Author Searchin81 Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 (edited) I think everyone has a point. I know i should do that at this point and move on. But he keeps giving me hope. Sometimes i think he just needs to process his feelings and is confused. I just have a very hard time people do this stuff for an ego feed or for revenge. Its more like confusion.. especially when they say things like "Were always going to love each other" and that "they can say alot more but there just gonna stop right there" . So of course i wonder what alot more is.When they say your not bothering them, they want to talk to you, want to see you, that they love you, talk to you all day, ect Maybe i am just in denial and i don't know how to get out of it. I made plenty of mistakes myself, at first i didnt think that. I also feel guilty for the wrong things i did. I have a hard time forgiving myself. Edited August 16, 2014 by Searchin81
jellybean89 Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Maybe i am just in denial and i don't know how to get out of it. I made plenty of mistakes myself, at first i didnt think that. I also feel guilty for the wrong things i did. I have a hard time forgiving myself. Yes, I think you are in denial. If you feel guilt for the wrong things you did/do, why are you continuing to do them? He isn't confused. He's married. He isn't ending his marriage. He is with his wife, talking with his wife, kissing her hello and goodbye, sleeping beside her, having dinner with her, planning their day/week together. He then calls you to be told ILY, how much you love him, miss him, want him. He loves being needed and wanted by you. He enjoys the thrill of an affair, the secrecy, the drama. He gets attention at home and attention from you. Best of both worlds. You know about his wife and still choose to have an affair. His wife continues to be his wife. 2 women at his beck and call. Why would he want to change that? If he told you how much he loves his wife, how they have their future planned, vacations planned, retirement planned...I'd guess you wouldn't be in contact "all day" with him, telling him how wonderful he is. Why don't you demand more for yourself? Why do you accept being the mistress? Why is your bar of expectations set so low? Why would you want to continue an affair with a guy who disrespects you so much by having an affair with you? 2
Author Searchin81 Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 I dont feel guilty talking to him now. I feel guilty about the things i did in the past that led to break up.
Lovemesomehim Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 I dont feel guilty talking to him now. I feel guilty about the things i did in the past that led to break up. Why don't you feel guilty? He is a married man. Do you think if you hang in there long enough he will see your loyalty and eventually be with you? Can you see the hurt you two are causing an innocent individual because of your selfishness to continue an affair with each other? Are there children involved?
Author Searchin81 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Posted August 18, 2014 I don't feel guilty, he talks to me. I don't know how their relationship is or why they got married. And no they don't have kids. Yes I do feel if I hang in there things may change but I'm starting to think not.
Owl Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 You have all this focus on "why does he..." Your posts repeat that phrase over and over and over again. Many posters have tried to get you to see that you're asking the wrong questions. Stop asking "why does he..." and start focusing on "why do I...". Why he does anything is irrelevent, unimportant, and simply none of your business any more. Focusing on helping yourself make different/better decisions is the only way you're going to find happiness. 1
Author Searchin81 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Posted August 18, 2014 "why do i" Why do i keep talking to him.. because i feel like i have a chance because he makes me feel that way. I have talked to other guys i have dated after him, and i don't feel the same way about them. I talk to them like normal, there are no romantic entanglements, they dont say stuff to me like my ex does, They introduce me to their new partners and we talk, I even went to ones house and had a cookout.Even the guy i was with for two years before him invited me to a party at his house with his wife, when i run into them they always stop and say hello. But this ex, he tells me he loves me, talks to me hours at a time, misses me, . wants to see me, that he shouldn't have let me go, never wanted anyone so bad... ec He would never introduce me to his wife, and If i happen to see them out he pretends he doesn't know me. Why? Because he needs to hide his feelings from his wife and make it look like he wants nothing to do with me, soon as he is alone and soon as her back is turned.. its a whole other story.
me85 Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 "why do i" Why do i keep talking to him.. because i feel like i have a chance because he makes me feel that way. I have talked to other guys i have dated after him, and i don't feel the same way about them. I talk to them like normal, there are no romantic entanglements, they dont say stuff to me like my ex does, They introduce me to their new partners and we talk, I even went to ones house and had a cookout.Even the guy i was with for two years before him invited me to a party at his house with his wife, when i run into them they always stop and say hello. But this ex, he tells me he loves me, talks to me hours at a time, misses me, . wants to see me, that he shouldn't have let me go, never wanted anyone so bad... ec He would never introduce me to his wife, and If i happen to see them out he pretends he doesn't know me. Why? Because he needs to hide his feelings from his wife and make it look like he wants nothing to do with me, soon as he is alone and soon as her back is turned.. its a whole other story. You know why he doesn't want her to know? Because he doesn't plan on leaving her and he doesn't want her to leave him. 3
Author Searchin81 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Posted August 18, 2014 (edited) could very well be. lol. But that's why this is all confusing because a few times he got risky when her back was turned he would grab me real quick. Sorry but i just find it hard to believe that a man that is really in love with his wife would be talking to an ex like this and doing the things he is doing. Other guys I have known and were married have said "oh im sorry im married now" and that was that, and others that are married are open and say hello and its very nice.. this one.. whole other story. Edited August 18, 2014 by Searchin81
Quiet Storm Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 He probably does enjoy your company, miss you and even love you. Him not leaving for you doesn't mean his feelings were a lie. It just means those feelings aren't important enough for him to divorce. His wife is a constant. In his mind, she isn't optional. When married guys get feelings for the OW, OW often thinks this means he is now in a dilemma that will eventually work out in their favor, if they juat stay patient. they think he didn't expect the feelings, and that their existence causes MM confusion and will eventually prompt him to act. As women, we operate with the idea that love=being together. This is not the case for most MM. Feelings for OW doesn't make MM say to himself "this means I should be with OW and not my wife". To him OW is bonus love. He doesn't want OW to replace his wife. He wants OW to supplement the life he has with his wife. I have been reading here for many years. What you find so hard to believe happens all the time. MM is not showing you the care and concern he would for someone he genuinely loved in the altruistic sense. He is not thinking "I can't believe I hurt the one I love. Is she OK?". Instead he's protecting his marriage. He values that more than the affair relationship, and feelings for you don't compute into love = being together because his marriage is the constant, his foundation, his home base. In his mind this is unchangeable, so there are only two options - cheat within the parameters that his life allows or let you go. 3
Author Searchin81 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Posted August 18, 2014 all very good advice.. i just dont know how to move on.. i keep feeling like i shoudlnt
FusionCutter Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 He probably does enjoy your company, miss you and even love you. Him not leaving for you doesn't mean his feelings were a lie. It just means those feelings aren't important enough for him to divorce. His wife is a constant. In his mind, she isn't optional. When married guys get feelings for the OW, OW often thinks this means he is now in a dilemma that will eventually work out in their favor, if they juat stay patient. they think he didn't expect the feelings, and that their existence causes MM confusion and will eventually prompt him to act. As women, we operate with the idea that love=being together. This is not the case for most MM. Feelings for OW doesn't make MM say to himself "this means I should be with OW and not my wife". To him OW is bonus love. He doesn't want OW to replace his wife. He wants OW to supplement the life he has with his wife. I have been reading here for many years. What you find so hard to believe happens all the time. MM is not showing you the care and concern he would for someone he genuinely loved in the altruistic sense. He is not thinking "I can't believe I hurt the one I love. Is she OK?". Instead he's protecting his marriage. He values that more than the affair relationship, and feelings for you don't compute into love = being together because his marriage is the constant, his foundation, his home base. In his mind this is unchangeable, so there are only two options - cheat within the parameters that his life allows or let you go. That's some well worded amazing insight. Do you think this also holds true regarding OM/MW?
Author Searchin81 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Posted August 18, 2014 (edited) that really was a great insight. Make alot of sense. I know i need to move on but why do i keep feeling that there is hope. He makes me feel that way. I have dated other guys but i just dont like them as much. Something just feels missing. I also feel alot of guilt for what i did wrong when i was in the relationship and keep running things from years ago in my head.. what i did wrong, what if i did things differently, maybe broke up to hastily. Then i think about all the things we did and wished i could have those moments again.. then add to the mix him texting me saying things, wanting to see me and saying he hopes to see me again. I am so confused i want it to stop but I dont know how. My feelings come in waves, sometimes i am fine for a long time and then bang I feel the pain all over. Edited August 18, 2014 by Searchin81
Owl Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 could very well be. lol. But that's why this is all confusing because a few times he got risky when her back was turned he would grab me real quick. Sorry but i just find it hard to believe that a man that is really in love with his wife would be talking to an ex like this and doing the things he is doing. Other guys I have known and were married have said "oh im sorry im married now" and that was that, and others that are married are open and say hello and its very nice.. this one.. whole other story. OK...so you can't believe that he loves his wife. But you can believe that he loves you, even after all the silence, distance, and stress that he's deliberately put you through? You're deliberately, intentionally refusing to see the baseline here. He's treating you the same way he treats her. You're still on the hook (line and sinker)...so how hard is it to believe that he's still keeping her there too? You...just like his wife...are focused on how he makes you feel...not how he's actually treating you. He knows how to pick 'em. He treats you like poo...you come here upset with how he treats you...but instead of focusing on that, you focus on how poorly you think he's treating his wife instead, and using that to convince yourself that he's in love with you and 'someday' going to do right by you. You...and his wife...are probably both waiting for that same 'someday'. What is it that you want us to tell you? That he loves you, doesn't love his wife, and will someday honor you by ending his marriage and seeking you out? We can lie and tell you that. But that's what it'll be...a lie. We've offered you our advice and support...but you refute it every step of the way, insisting we're seeing him and the situation wrong. What more can we do for you? 4
bathtub-row Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 There has been someone like this in my life for the past 10 years. I love him immensely but after several breaks ups over the years, I finally walked away from it. I realized that, aside from doing things that could hurt others, I was also hurting myself. I still see him occasionally but the long, constant emails, messages, etc have stopped. That intense connection we had has been severed, to a point. The truth is, it seems we have a bond that simply won't be broken and I know that's a huge part of what drew us together. But it's like a tragic love story and I'm not willing to let it ruin my life. I loved his attention, having him to share things with, all that -- but I realized that all that time I spent talking to him was consuming my life and keeping me emotionally closed off to meeting anyone else. While I'm currently not in a relationship with anyone, I knew that the only way I was going to meet someone was to disconnect from him. I still see him a few times a week because of televised conference calls at work. We occasionally see one another for dinner when he's in town and it's great fun because we make each other laugh and I adore him. But there's just no way I'll start the affair up again. It screws up my head too much. It took forever to let him go and now that it has been over for a few years, I don't dare tread down that dangerous path again. You need to decide if you want to continue down this road. Think about what it will look like in five or ten years. I honestly think that your best shot at getting this man to get off the fence and leaving his twisted marriage is to stop being so available to him. The only thing that's going to wake him up is the realization that he will lose you. You think that if you pull away, the two of you will lose what you have. But the truth is, if it's strong, it can't be lost. 1
georgia girl Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 I've posted here before about a situation we had at work once. One of the younger partners in the firm was flirting mercilessly with one of the younger staff. It was embarrassing to watch, particularly because you could tell she was head over heels in love with him but he was using her to get off on the attention. The story behind the story was that this guy was married, his wife thought he was the best guy on earth and he was never leaving. But everyday, I saw this young girl come in to work with all of the hope and desires that you write about. She took every single B-S line he fed her and believed that he would "never say things like that" about either his wife or her if he didn't really mean it. Meanwhile, here she was, attractive, funny and smart and holding out all hope for him. She wasted a tremendous amount of time on him. Unfortunately, the rest of the staff saw her as pathetic and desperate. Finally, the older partners (including me) stepped in and told him to knock it off. He was making a laughing stock out of himself, her and his wife. The guy - who was a bit arrogant actually - was pretty humiliated that the older partners had to step in and didn't handle it well. Thankfully, he left the firm. She was destroyed but it was the best thing for her. Pardon me, Searchin81, but you remind me of her. You are so desperate for this man that you engage in significant and destructive confirmation bias. You need to step back because you are wasting some very valuable time on someone who isn't giving you what you need. Good luck, GG
Author Searchin81 Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 well look at Prince Charles and Camilla... One of the greatest love stories in history.
Owl Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 well look at Prince Charles and Camilla... One of the greatest love stories in history. Not so much for Princess Diana... ...and their story and situation has nothing to do with yours. Again...are you coming here wanting to refute the advice you're getting (from folks on all 3 points of the triangle), or are you here actually interested in using that advice in some fashion? What are you hoping to gain from this thread?
Author Searchin81 Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 Great statement by bathtubrow. I agree with alot of that. I keep asking myself those same questions, and giving myself the same advice. But its hard to follow. I do agree if its strong it will last. We have all these feelings still and its been a few years. He even said we will always love each other, and then said "im just gonna stop talking.. cause he can say alot more". I didn't press him to say more. I get nervous when he talks like that. One time he told me he was stressed out.. i asked why and he said didn't wanna get into it. He usually tells me everything, except about his marriage because i dont wanna really hear about it. Maybe I should? So I am assuming that is what he might have been stressed out about.
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