Gaeta Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I understand when someone you date is giving you a fade-out you just let him go. If someone wants to get out of your life, let them. Doing it without ever saying a word or calling them out on their game? I am not so sure anymore. For someone like me who's been looking for a long time, who's been stood up multiple times, who's had several men doing the fade away, frustration and bitterness just accumulate and I believe that is because of this unwritten rule you just let a guy go and don't say anything. Why do we let them get away so easily like this? Aren't we just making it easy for them? Yesterday I was online and came across a man who stood me up a couple of weeks ago. It was going to be our second date, we had exchanged a few times during the day about our date that night. No signs he would not show up. I ended up waiting all night long for him, he was a no show and I never heard from him again. I sent him a message last night and told him how it felt to be left in my little dress waiting for him all night long. How I had told my friend, daughter and brother I had a date and looking forward it, and how I had to tell them with embarrassment the following day that the guy had never showed up. I am not just a face on Internet, I am a woman with feelings and hopes, I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. It actually felt good to do that and I feel maybe I should get in the habit of just letting everything out when these things happen instead of playing cool and moving on without a word. Your experience or opinion? 2
Diezel Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Experience? Women do it all the time to me as well. I chalk it up to the game because what's the point of calling them out? You get your own internal temporary satisfaction but for what? You are validating their reason for fading out anyway. In this era of tech-availability and short attention spans, the fade outs are a lot more prevalent now. It's just the way things have evolved now. We deal with it on the other side too, even moreso. Personally, if you texted me something where you called me out, I'd probably just laugh and shrug. If I was on my way out, why would it matter to me what you said or why you called me out? I gain nothing from telling off every woman who flaked on me. So what's the point? 2
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Why do we let them get away so easily like this? Aren't we just making it easy for them? What a ridiculous statement. Why do you want to make it hard for them? They don't like you and don't want a relationship with you. Do you think making it more difficult for them, will make them change their minds? No, if someone is doing the slow fade (or the blatant fast fade) then just retain your dignity, let them go and move on. 3
TouchedByViolet Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I've never been stood up but I'd imagine if someone does that to you just move on and don't contact them. They clearly don't care at all about your feelings or opinions. 1
Author Gaeta Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 What a ridiculous statement. Why do you want to make it hard for them? They don't like you and don't want a relationship with you. Do you think making it more difficult for them, will make them change their minds? No, if someone is doing the slow fade (or the blatant fast fade) then just retain your dignity, let them go and move on. You are missing my point. If someone wants to fade out of my life then GOOD I got no problem with that. I am talking about people that stands you up!! People that book a date with you and don't show up! and a second date on top of that when you got ready, all dolled up, maybe got a new dress for the occasion, you drove miles to meet them, waited all night for them, and they just don't show up? You think we should just let it go without telling them what inconsiderate human beings they were? 1
thefooloftheyear Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 You are missing my point. If someone wants to fade out of my life then GOOD I got no problem with that. I am talking about people that stands you up!! People that book a date with you and don't show up! and a second date on top of that when you got ready, all dolled up, maybe got a new dress for the occasion, you drove miles to meet them, waited all night for them, and they just don't show up? You think we should just let it go without telling them what inconsiderate human beings they were? If it makes you feel better, great....But I doubt they care about it, nor will it make them change behavior...They may even be sick enough to get a chuckle out of it..... TFY 7
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 You think we should just let it go without telling them what inconsiderate human beings they were? What do you hope to gain by doing so? Do you think they will read your words, reflect upon their own decisions and morality and change to treat people better the next time? Or do you think they will show your message to their mates in the bar and have a good laugh at it? 2
Author Gaeta Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 What do you hope to gain by doing so? Do you think they will read your words, reflect upon their own decisions and morality and change to treat people better the next time? Or do you think they will show your message to their mates in the bar and have a good laugh at it? I hope they will think about their crappy behavior. People with integrity don't do these kinds of things. I am a hardcore online dater and I have never ever did that to anyone. You really think someone being called out on their lack of spine would be showing this to buddies and get a laugh at it? really.
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I hope they will think about their crappy behavior. People with integrity don't do these kinds of things. You really think someone being called out on their lack of spine would be showing this to buddies and get a laugh at it? really. ... read these 2 sentences together!!! He has no integrity and has crappy behaviour. If you send him an angry message, why wouldn't he show his buddies and laugh at it? You just said, he has no integrity! He is not going to think about his actions and reflect on how he treats people because he has no integrity!!! Just like you said It's not your job to fix people. 2
firmness Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Your feelings are completely reasonable and I do not blame you for feeling this way. One thing I have learned is that people in my end of the dating pool (take that however you wish) are pretty intuitive. If I am not in a great mood, they will sense it. If I have a bad attitude from the last three times I was stood up, they will smell it. I know this, so I have to watch out for that. So each time I went on a new date, I had to sort of erase my past experience and try (sometimes this was very hard) to take the next person as a completely new human being without saddling them with the baggage of the bereft women who came before. That has made all the difference. Your frustration might also have a lot to do with your mental attitude. I peeks out despite our best attempts to hide it, and this will almost guarantee a flake out in a man or a woman. And they are right for doing so! We live in interesting and dangerous historical times. Consider the following: We can find people who are a pretty good match for us by browsing the web. We do this in our living rooms without even going to an event, a bar or church the way it has been done for centuries. We can sleep with just about any number of people we wish because of changing norms and values regarding casual sex. It is super easy to get laid these days. We can move on to the next person very easily when the current thing becomes even mildly annoying because of the above. So sticking with a person just doesn't make as much sense when the next easier thing may be around the corner. Marriage has become somewhat of a joke these days, and only the most naive or ignorant will sign off on that contract anymore. The majority of those who do will come to regret it. Mixed families are now the norm, and single moms are now revered, and so men have no social pressure to stick around...let alone when it is just dating. Women seem to resent and disrespect men more than ever before. This is our new social norm in America. So when we meet women, it is sort of understood that she will secretly consider us an idiot, a misogynist, a horny pig/dog/animal until proven otherwise. Feminism has basically removed women's sexual power and handed it to men by making promiscuity okay. I am not complaining! I just wonder who the hell was in charge of THAT epic botched strategy discussion. I would be pissed if I were a woman. This makes women now as expendable as men have been. It also means that men can sit back and let women make the first move more than ever before. Women will pay for dates, buy gifts, and woo. It also means that men can pick and choose like never before. I could go on, but you get the idea. This makes it impossible for women/men to date based on the same assumptions and "rules" that existed even just 20 years ago. Put this all together and you can see the implications for the dating scene. It is damned near hopeless if you are thinking about finding a life partner. It is just too easy to move on for both men and women. So what you describe is merely mildly annoying. The bigger issue will come when you actually DO find a decent guy and any real troubles start. Neither men nor women have any real incentive to stay together any more. This is the world we live in and it is awesome in some ways! If a man can avoid signing a marriage contract, be careful about his reproductive rights, and learns how to find intimacy along the way, he can have an amazing life. Ironically, this is due in large part to the strides made by Feminism. It will be only those who really get the true meaning and deep value of respect, trust, and intimacy who will know how to seek out, find, and keep a partner. In the meantime, happy hunting!
bene Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I understand your sentiment and as a woman I understand the effort that we put into our dates but there is nothing to gain from calling the guy out. At least not until the he resurfaces and contacts you again. If someone is inconsiderate enough to stand you up then ignoring him and forgetting all about him is the best 'revenge'. They don't care about your feelings anyway so don't show them how much effort you put into this date and how upset you are. It might even give them some weird ego boost. 1
CaliGypsy Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 If calling these guys out on their crappy behavior makes you feel better, I don't see a problem with calling them out. it's honest. Do I think they will change their actions or have any sudden epiphanies? Probably not. I mean, surely they must know to begin with that standing someone up is a hurtful thing to do? I can't even imagine what kind of man asks a woman out and stands her up knowing she's sitting at home waiting. What a ****ty thing to do. Shame on them. 2
Author Gaeta Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Unexpected development The guy I sent a message to last night (on POF) sent me a text this morning. He said he doesn't understand my message on POF. He tried to call me 3 times that night maybe more and he kept getting my voice mail, he finally went home and he was actually very upset. I told him voice mail are made to take messages. He replied he never leaves messages he doesn't like it. That he doesn't understand what happened he had been wanting to see me for months.
bubbaganoosh Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 In this day and age, it's never been so easy to make a phone call, text, or face book a message that something came up and you'll either be late or can't make it. With all the ways to communicate there's still the lack of manners or respect. If someone can't give you a couple minuets of their time to call and explain the circumstances of why they can't make it then their not worth it.
Author Gaeta Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 I don't know if I should believe him. We both only had our phone numbers to reach each other. He doesn't know my last name. We did not have online profiles at the time. So there were no other way to get in touch. I just find it weird he did not get my communication and I did not get his several calls. That evening I waited for him I was in communication with other people and my phone worked fine.
sabre80 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I feel ya Gaeta! It's not the rejection that irks me it is the complete lack of consideration. Don't want to go out with me? Fine tell me and let me make other arrangements. As a single father I would get stood up and it was the loss of baby sitter money and more importantly time. I could have spent that time and money with a lady, person or persons who wanted to be with me if you just sent me a text saying not interested. Class is not today's strong suit. 3
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Unexpected development Why do you care what he said, after he stood you up with no message? Tried to call you 3 times, I call BS. He could have texted, POF messaged, left a voicemail, bla bla. It is inexcusable in this day and age to say you could not get hold of somebody, especially in all the time that has now passed. Even if we do believe this story about being too amazingly busy to leave a 10 second message, why didn't be apologise the DAY AFTER? I would not talk to this guy any more, he has shown you by his actions that he is a terrible communicator and has no respect for you or your time. 2
SoleMate Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 He said he doesn't understand my message on POF. He tried to call me 3 times that night maybe more and he kept getting my voice mail, he finally went home and he was actually very upset. I told him voice mail are made to take messages. He replied he never leaves messages he doesn't like it. That he doesn't understand what happened he had been wanting to see me for months. He doesn't understand the usefulness of voice mail in trying to contact the person you're supposed to meet up with, in the case wires have been crossed on time or location? So....maybe he's not really a jerk....more of a moron perhaps. Or an extreme flake who is now slightly regretting having stood you up, and created an implausible cover story in an attempt to explain/excuse himself. 3
Diezel Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Unexpected development The guy I sent a message to last night (on POF) sent me a text this morning. He said he doesn't understand my message on POF. Ignore this message, he's only texting you back to clear his conscience or probably because he thinks you care a little more than you really do. He probably didn't think you'd be THAT disappointed. Whatever he reason... MEH. This wouldn't happen between two people wanting to meet for months. That's just ridiculous. 1
Author Gaeta Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 This wouldn't happen between two people wanting to meet for months. That's just ridiculous. Here's what he meant by that. We did not try see each other for months. I met him once but started dating someone else. I told him if one day I find myself single I would look him up. Each month he would send me a text asking if I was still dating. After 3 months I broke up with the guy I was dating and got back in touch with him. That's why he says he's been wanting to see me for months.
Diezel Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I met him once but started dating someone else. I told him if one day I find myself single I would look him up. Ohhhhhh boy. 3
BlueIris Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) Here's what he meant by that. We did not try see each other for months. I met him once but started dating someone else. I told him if one day I find myself single I would look him up. Each month he would send me a text asking if I was still dating. After 3 months I broke up with the guy I was dating and got back in touch with him. That's why he says he's been wanting to see me for months. You rejected him, and said maybe one day you’d get in touch with him. So any interest he might have after that was probably to just get laid- if it was convenient. No serious relationship intentions. Polite, considerate, well-mannered sorts who really want to date you make it easy to date and interact with, so just focus on them. I don’t see much point in telling people off if they no-show and don't contact prior. Edited July 7, 2014 by BlueIris
Author Gaeta Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 When I contacted him I said I am finding myself single, if ever you are still interested I am free for that second date. He called right away to set it up. If he had felt rejected I don't think he would have called right away to set up a date. Or if he felt rejected why did he touched base with me each month to inquire if I were free? I don't know anymore. It's like every single move a man does around me is insincere.
Diezel Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I get what you are saying, but I doubt his level of "seriousness" for you dropped once you had moved on to someone else. Had it been me, regardless of whether I kept reaching out to you or not, I might think you finally reaching back wasn't going to be too sincere either. I'm not defending his actions, but there's obviously a little more to it. Maybe he wants to get back at you. Maybe he's being honest. Maybe this was just a cloudy situation altogether because there was a "past" already. If you think every single move a man makes around you is insincere, it might be time to take a break from dating.
BlueIris Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) When I contacted him I said I am finding myself single, if ever you are still interested I am free for that second date. He called right away to set it up. If he had felt rejected I don't think he would have called right away to set up a date. Or if he felt rejected why did he touched base with me each month to inquire if I were free? I don't know anymore. It's like every single move a man does around me is insincere. I’ve had a couple of OLD men “circle back,” if you will. But I already know he’d prefer someone else, so I assume/know his intentions aren’t serious regarding me. Edited to add: This is one of the Catch-22's of OLD. You're supposed to multi-date and keeps things light, but if you're like me, inevitably one person is most interesting, so you stop seeing other people very early on, well before you even know that person. Ugh. It just doesn't work for me. Edited July 7, 2014 by BlueIris 1
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